AN: Not. Happy. Not. ing. Happy. This chapter…well…I’ll just let you read for yourself.  

LATER THAT MORNING:

“Hyung! Wait up!”

Taemin laughed and walked backwards, “Come on Jihun! We’ll be late for the train!”

The boy ran faster, trying to catch up to Taemin as they entered the train station together.

They had spent the last few hours walking through Ansan together, looking at the sights and even eating a meal together for breakfast. They quietly got on the train, sitting across from each other. Taemin had taken to wearing his sunglasses so fans wouldn’t recognize him and he could move in peace even though it had been late at night when they arrived. Once the long train ride they had started to move, Jihun leaned on the table in front of him.

 “So, Hyung…why’d you go out on your own?”

Taemin looked out of the window.

“Some issues. I just needed to get away.”

Jihun whistled, “Sounds…bad…”

The maknae shrugged. It still bothered him. Why did he depend so much on Jinki for his happiness? For the time being, he had blocked both the leader and rapper from his phone, so any text messages were going unseen. They weren’t supposed to know where he was, anyway, so he guessed it didn’t matter.

Jihun tried to smile at him, “Did you want to talk about it, Hyung?”

Taemin peered at the boy curiously before sighing and settling back into his seat. What could it hurt? As long as he didn’t give out names, he should be alright.

“Have you ever loved someone, Jihun?”

“Like…in a relationship?”

“Neh.”

Jihun shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I uh…well…yes.”

“You don’t have to tell me names,” Taemin said. He sighed and looked out the window again, “Well…let’s just say my significant other…well, former significant other just left me for one of my very good friends.”

Taemin looked back at Jihun to find him listening intently.

Taemin leaned close on the table, “Can I trust you to not tell people this?”

“Of course, Hyung. I won’t even tell people I met you, if that’s what you want.”

The maknae couldn’t help but chuckle at how eager the boy seemed to listen to him. This was weird for him…usually he was the one listening and trying to help. Too many times had that come back to bite him though.

“I’m…not happy, Jihun-ah. The reason I’m alone was because I needed to get away before I did something I regretted.”

“Are you mad at them?”

Taemin nodded. He was so angry. He felt like he gave his all only to have it shoved in his face in return. He didn’t want to care so deeply about them but he did and it drove him nuts. The reason he hurt was because he cared and probably always would.

“I want to be…”

“Hyung?”

Taemin looked at him with glazed over eyes, waiting for him to continue speaking. He cleared his throat.

 “It hurts to care and not to care, doesn’t it?”

“Right on the dot," Taemin said quietly.

He played with his phone, knowing he should call Jonghyun soon. A pang of jealousy ran through his veins, knowing Jinki and Minho were probably cuddled up together, staring at each other lovingly. He wanted to be angry at them…he wanted to just make them vanish from my mind. Taemin rubbed his forehead.

 “What is that I pretty much see them every day back in Seoul, and I’m not good at letting things go.”

“Are you telling me that the powerful Lee Taemin has a problem with his self confidence?”

Taemin snorted, “Everyone does at one point.”

The boy chuckled, “You’re an idol…you can have anything you want, but you choose to let the two have power over you.”

Taemin snapped up and locked eyes with the boy. He chose to let them have power over him? He thought about it and in a way he was right. Like the woman had told him, he had to acknowledge his pain. He couldn’t control their relationship. Was this a step in letting go?

“I let them control me?”

“Neh…if they want to be together, you have every right to be angry, but letting them hurt you inside allows them to control you. You should feel happy knowing you may have dodged a bullet with the both of them. So what if they’re happy? You’ll find your happiness faster if you realize you have to look out for yourself first before others.”

Taemin raised an eyebrow, “You sound like you’ve gone through this before.”

Jihun blushed, “My ex-boyfriend…dumped me for a girl. A girl of all people! He did in the most tactless way possible.”

“Do you still care?”

The boy shrugged. “I won’t allow myself to care.”

Taemin laid his head on his arms. “How do you do that?”

He watched the boy dig through his bag and remove a journal.

“I write out everything I feel in this journal. Whenever I have a problem with someone, I write them, explaining what I feel. After that, I close the book and I don’t think about it. I allow myself that one moment to yell and scream before I simply shut it away.” 

That sounded…like an amazing idea.

“I’ll have to stop and get a journal…I never thought to do that!”

Jihun chuckled and took out a small composition notebook from his bag.

“Here, you can have this one. It’s blank and ready to be written in!”

“You…totally didn’t have to do that.”

Jihun smiled a cute eye smile, “Think of it as my way of saying thank you for letting me tag along with you!”

Taemin held onto the notebook tightly, feeling slightly better. He nudged the boy.

 “Give me your phone.”

“Why?”

Taemin made the grabby hands. “Just give it!”

Jihun quietly handed him his phone and Taemin played around with it, adding his contact information. He handed it back to the boy and he enjoyed watching him squeal.

“YOU GAVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER?”

“Yeah, just keep it to yourself.”

The boy jumped up and rushed over, hugging Taemin tightly. For once, he didn’t feel like Taemin the idol. He felt like a normal person. He hugged him back, feeling the warmth seep into his skin. He sighed for a moment and an image of Jinki smiling flashed through his mind. He immediately felt his body sag and he let go, watching Jihun bounce back to his seat.

An hour later, Taemin found himself wanting to cry. He had taken Jihun’s advice and wrote down everything he felt. He was angry, angry that there had been no talk. No words between them. Jihun quietly slept across from him and he stood up, tiptoeing to the bathroom located at the end of the train. He locked himself inside and shakily dialed the numbers he knew so well.

He heard Jonghyun picked up with a sigh of relief, “Tae-ah. I was just going to call…”

“J-J-Jonghyun-hyung…”

He could literally feel Jonghyun stiffen through the line.

“What happened Tae? Did someone hurt you? Are you lost? Did you lose something?”

He couldn’t believe he was crying. He was away form Jinki! He wasn’t even with him anymore and he was still crying over him.

“I-I-I’m angry…I’m so angry and I want to scream.”

Jonghyun’s voice softened, “Talk to me Taemin.”

“I-I-I…” He tried to get a grip on himself. He didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted to be home, to wake up and think this was all a bad dream. He wanted his hyung, his protector, the one who understood everything about him. Knowing that Jinki had turned him away made him sob. “I want Jinki…I want Hyung back…”

Jonghyun sighed, “Oh, Taemin-ah…”

Taemin blinked, feeling tears trail down his cheeks and land on his thighs.

“I want to wake up and have this be a bad dream. I don’t want Hyung to hate me, or to think I hate him. I want the past where we were happy and nothing could separate us.”

Jonghyun listened, his heart aching for the maknae. How he wished for that, too, if only so he would stop hurting. He listened to the maknae sob and cry on the other line, knowing he couldn’t do anything but listen.

“Tae…”

“I want Jinki, I want my Hyung back. I want my other half back! Why did this happen? Why to me?”

Jonghyun shut his mouth. He knew this was coming.

Taemin continued, “I’m so angry that I’m crying. I always screw up in everyone’s eyes, whether it be because of my careless speaking or the way I lose stuff. But I made Jinki happy…shouldn’t that count for ing something?!”

“Tae.”

Taemin shut his mouth and curled in on himself, letting Jonghyun talk.

“I love you, Taemin, you’re like my little brother. But…it’s the past…you can’t do anything about what has happened now.”

Taemin sniffled, “It hurts, Hyung…it hurts so badly.” 

Jonghyun wished to hug him, to comfort him. But this was a lesson Taemin needed to learn on his own.

“I know it does, and it will. It will until you come to terms with it. It didn’t end on a good note. You never had the closure I know you want and you have to accept that you may never have that.”

Taemin groaned, wiping at his eyes. “Should I even ask how they’re doing?”

“No one is happy here, Tae, you know that. Kibum and Minho are at each other’s throats, and Kibum and Jinki won’t stop arguing.” 

Taemin let out a ragged sigh. “I don’t want to go back, Hyung…I think I’ll break if I do.”

“Then use this time to be happy. This fan, has he made you smile?”

Taemin was quiet, “Neh…”

“Then stick with him for the time being. I know you want to be alone, but having a companion while you travel isn’t a bad thing. You could relate to him and who knows, maybe become good friends.” 

For a moment, Taemin felt a ping of sadness. Did they not want him back?

“Hyung, why aren’t you telling me to come back?”

Jonghyun chuckled, “I know you will when you’re ready. I also know you need this, and judging by the start of this phone call, you’re not in any condition to come back here.”

The maknae let a few more tears fall. “Am I right to be angry?”

“Yes Taeminnie. You have every right to be angry.” Jonghyun held his phone tighter, disappearing away from the group further so he could continue talking in private. “Tae, if you take anything away from our talk, let it be this.” He looked around and then spoke clearly. “Find yourself. You are meant to be happy and at the moment, you are not.”

“How the hell am I supposed to find myself? I can barely stand-”

Jonghyun interrupted, “Block out everything right now. At this moment, all that matters is you and what you want for yourself that does not involve love or work.”

“No rules?”

Jonghyun shook his head. “You’re twenty-one. Be free, travel, live. If you continue to sulk, you’ll never get better.”

“I…I don’t know how to stop, Jonghyun…I’m just so angry and it makes me want to continue crying.”

“Okay, new rule.” Jonghyun leaned against the wall, “For the next twenty-four hours, you have permission to be as angry and sad and upset as you want. Hell, if you want, I’ll get Jinki on the line and you can scream at him.”

Taemin chuckled softly. “I don’t think that would be best.”

“Right. Like I was saying though. After those twenty-four hours, no more. No more Jinki, no more Minho. You aren’t allowed to think of them anymore while you’re away from us. This is a time for you to grow, Tae-ah, and I want you to do it without reverting back to depending on Jinki for your happiness.” 

Taemin snorted, “And what happens if I do?”

“You force yourself to stop. You force yourself to let it go for that moment and distract yourself. I promise it will become a habit.”

Taemin sniffled, “Distract myself?”

“You’re a dancer, Taemin! Dance, sing, or walk around! Do anything other than let your mind wander and think about what could have happened or what you did wrong,” Jonghyun said excitedly.

Taemin dabbed at his red eyes. “Slam the door on what used to be, huh?”

“And open a new one to what could be. You don’t know the future,” Jonghyun finished. He chuckled when he heard the boy blow his nose and sigh. “Now go. I better not hear from you unless it’s an emergency from now on."

“I-I will…I’ll try.”

“Let it go, Taemin. Life is not perfect and you are not meant to be kept down on your knees, begging for another chance with Jinki. Take your chance and be happy even if you don’t get the closure you seek.”

Taemin didn’t have a chance to reply. Jonghyun whispered a quick ‘be safe’ and hung up. His heart constricted. How could he do this on his own? Would it be easier with each day? Would he be freer if he let go of all his emotions and simply stopping thinking? Taemin eventually stood and made sure he wasn’t crying anymore as he walked back out of the bathroom towards where Jihun was still sleeping. He sighed and sat down. He only wished for closure and Jonghyun was right. He may never get it.

“I’ll slam the door on the past, Jinki. I hope you do the same.” He looked out of the window, "Who knows…our future may be intertwined more than we know it.”