AN: Enjoy.

ONE WEEK LATER:

Kibum wouldn’t deny that he hadn’t slept in days. Between the noisy screams coming from Jinki’s room and the silence of Taemin’s, he was beginning to go insane.

Nothing had changed. In fact, Taemin hadn’t even stepped foot in the dorm since the previous week. No one in their company had seen him, even heard from him. The only ones to hear a word from him were their manager and CEO who were keeping the boy’s disappearance under wraps and weren’t even telling the rest of the members where he was.

Jonghyun remained the only optimistic one in the dorm. Kibum wondered how he could be so calm about their missing member and whether or not he was upset or hurting still.

But Jonghyun was, even as he quietly ate his breakfast and read something on his phone. The singer realized no one had been themselves since the major change in the dorm. Jinki seemed out of it, but Minho usually distracted him long enough to drag him into a room where their moans and screams would make Jonghyun cringe. But what Kibum didn’t know was that Jonghyun knew where the boy was. It wasn’t that difficult to figure out, especially when he received a call from him on the night he had left.

Flashback:

Jonghyun sighed as Kibum finally passed out in their bed, exhausted from crying and arguing with the leader and rapper. He had a feeling Taemin wasn’t coming back anytime soon and he didn’t blame the boy. Who would want to come here and live with his ex and new boyfriend while his mind still unraveled at the loss?

The dorm was quiet, and even Jinki had been upset when he saw that broken picture frame. The four had wondered if this was the end of SHINee, the end of their friendships. Jonghyun knew Taemin wouldn’t let that happen. He and Jinki may be the closest, but after today, Jonghyun had a feeling that Taemin would be coming to him a lot more.

He looked at his nightstand when his phone quietly buzzed. He smirked and swiped it from the stand, leaving the room and going to the boy’s room where it was quiet. He held it to his ear, “Taemin-ah.”

“I-I’m sorry, Hyung…I didn’t mean to make Umma cry.”

Jonghyun sighed, “He’s just worried about you. Where are you anyway?” 

There was silence on the other line before Taemin spoke quietly.

“Do you remember that village I went to when we had our holiday? In Switzerland?”

“Neh…” Jonghyun smiled. He had a feeling Taemin would want to get as far away as he could. “You don’t speak the language, Taemin.”

Taemin sighed and Jonghyun could hear how upset he still sounded. The elder looked around the room, “Do you still have the card I got for you?”

“Neh, Hyung.”

“Does Manager-hyung know? What about your parents?” 

“I called him…he told me to go…no one wants SHINee to break up over me, so I figured maybe going around South Korea for a while would be good…just by myself.” He heard Taemin sigh again, “My parents can’t stop me…I’m twenty-one. I can leave if I want to.”

Jonghyun liked that a lot better than having him in a different country. He rubbed his forehead, “Use that card ,alright? Hyung will make sure you’re alright while you figure this out.”

“Y-you don’t have to…I don’t want to depend on you.”

Jonghyun knew it. He knew this was more than getting away from Jinki and Minho. He was doing this for himself…maybe to find out how well he could do on his own.

“For my peace of mind, use it if you have to. Call me if you need it. I’m not stopping you.” 

Taemin went silent on the other line and for a moment Jonghyun thought he heard him start to cry.

He spoke quietly, “Don’t tell anyone. I promise I’ll call.”

Jonghyun chuckled, “Go, maknae…come back with a fresh start. We’ll wait.”

“Thanks, Hyung. Saranghaeyo.”

“Saranghaeyo, Tae. Be safe.”

Jonghyun hung up after that and opened up the Internet on his phone. He went to his bank account to make sure Taemin was still connected to it before he sighed and went back to his room. He meant what he said. He wouldn’t stop Taemin from doing this. If this was the way to save SHINee, then so be it.

End Flashback:

Jonghyun checked on his account, not surprised to see Taemin hadn’t used the card yet. He was glad, however, that Taemin was keeping in contact with him. He had received an email from the boy this morning, and from the sounds of it, Taemin was in Incheon, exploring. He was safe, which put his mind at ease.

He was in the middle of replying back when Jinki and Minho walked in to the kitchen hand in hand. Kibum glared at the two from his spot at the stove. Minho smiled, “Morning, Hyungs.”

Jonghyun briefly looked up, “Good morning. Slept well?”

“Neh.” Minho sat down, tugging the leader with him. Jinki looked dazed and although this made Jonghyun slightly confused, he found himself glad. “What’s wrong, Hyung? You look out of it?”

He avoided the question. “N-no word from Taeminnie?”

Kibum hissed, “No. My baby is missing and it’s driving me nuts.”

He threw down his spatula and sat down at the table, digging into the food he had previously set out. Jonghyun knew it was quiet without Taemin’s laughs, his constant teasing and poking, and his curiosity. The singer watched Jinki lean into Minho, but gaze at the empty spot at the table. Maybe this was meant to happen.

IN INCHEON:

Taemin breathed in quietly, taking in the sights of the city. He had been here on a few occasions, but this was his first time coming here without the rest of SHINee, or managers or anyone. He was on his own and despite keeping Jonghyun and their manager informed with where he was, he was free to be himself here.

He held onto his bag tightly as he left his small hotel room. He remembered the night he left Seoul, how lost he had felt. When he hung up that phone call from Jonghyun, he really felt alone. The train ride had taken just a few short hours, but it gave him time to pass out from exhaustion and figure out a plan.

He wanted to be responsible because he was still an idol after all. People would know who he was, but he could deal with that. His manager had told him to go for as long as he needed. They didn’t need SHINee to break up before a major comeback and if Taemin wanted to take a month, he would take a goddamn month. Here he was free to depend on himself and he loved the feeling of being alone to make his choices. The boy wandered around silently, passing by stores and markets. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his jacket, hiding behind his hat and sunglasses from fans who may recognize him.

It was different being alone as well. It wasn’t that he was lonely. He couldn’t be lonely as his body finally calmed down and he was able to think straight. He still felt numb inside, but he didn’t let it control him. Where had he gone wrong? Was he too clingy? Too dependent on Jinki that it drove him away?

Taemin knew his negativity was a part of it. He always had a habit of looking down on himself and apologizing for every little thing. He was rarely confident in his dancing anymore and it had affected the band. Taemin knew he didn’t smile anymore, either…and he had no clue why. He thought he had been happy, but he was wrong.

The maknae looked up when he saw a k-pop merchandise shop on the corner blasting some music and some girls and boys dancing along to it. He wanted to think that it was a coincidence that it was Lucifer playing, and the boys were trying to dance to the parts. He watched them for a bit, wondering if he should join in. Curiosity won out and his feet directed him over to the tiny shop and he bobbed his head to the music. The boys messed up on some of the choreography and he smiled. “You aren’t getting the footing right,” he said quietly, catching the attention of the students.

“How would you know?” one boy asked.

The maknae looked at the shopkeeper, “Do you mind playing that one part again?”

The woman stared at him and then nodded, skipping back to the part. Taemin set his backpack down and got himself into position, showing the students the correct choreography. They watched and their mouths dropped as he continued to dance to the music.

It was when he saw their faces of shock that he felt a spark liven his soul again. Was he that good? Was it only because he practiced that dance night and day to memorize it?

“Wow…sunbaenim! You’re amazing!”

Taemin smiled, “Thank you…now why don’t you try?”

The dancer watched them try it once more and he nodded his head in approval when they got it right. He started to dance with them, taking his original spot in the choreography. Soon a crowd had gathered and were clapping along to the music as Taemin danced.

When he was on stage, he wouldn’t deny that he felt powerful when he danced. Dancing was a release for him. Moving his body to whatever music was playing was his way of opening up and letting his one source of confidence flow out. So it was when the song ended and the girls grabbed his hand that he felt…powerful again and he wasn’t even on stage. He was alone, showing off his talent to strangers.

“You’re as good as Taemin-oppa!” one girl said.

He smiled, “You think so?”

“Neh! You totally rival his dancing! Can we ask your name?”

The maknae hesitated for a moment, before he decided he didn’t care. He removed his hat and sunglasses, smiling at the crowd.

“Lee Taemin.”

The screams deafened his ears then, as fans moved closer to shake his hand and ask for his autograph. Even after posing for a few pictures, he was still smiling. Why was it that when he heard that his skills as a dancer were amazing from a stranger that it meant…more to him? His Hyung’s opinions were the same, yet it didn’t hold the same stature to him as it did with these fans.

When the crowd dispersed, the shopkeeper invited him in and had him sit down.

“Would you like something to drink, Taemin-sshi?”

He nodded, “Yes, please.”

The woman came back with a steaming cup of hot chocolate and the maknae drank it quickly, grateful for the drink. She smiled at him, her weary eyes soft and caring. “Where are the rest of your members?”

Taemin frowned, looking down into the cup, “I’m…on my own for a bit. Vacation and all before we have a comeback.”

Why was he discussing this with her? He watched her carefully, her folded hands resting on the table gently. It was silent for a moment before she spoke again.

 “May I speak freely ,Taemin-sshi?”

“Only if you call me Taemin…”

She chuckled, “You look lost, my dear, even a bit sad.”

Was it that easy to tell? He gripped his cup and sighed. How did he tell her what happened without telling so much information? He bit his lip.

“I am.”

Almost as if she could read his mind, “Have you lost who you are?”

He looked up shocked, confused even. How could she know that? How could she understand the life of an idol and the pressures he faces everyday in life and love? She poured him another cup, “I know the look. Have you ever been told that the eyes are the window to the soul?”

“I’ve…heard the phrase…” Taemin said.

He drank this cup slowly. He wasn’t sure what the correct protocol was anymore. Did he offer to pay for it? Did he ask for advice?

“Your eyes are sad. They don’t smile like they have in the past.”

She pointed to some of the posters of SHINee she had and he saw a younger version of himself and it was true. In those pictures, his eyes were shining brightly as he smiled.

He blinked, “It’s…been awhile since I’ve seen myself smile like that.” 

She plucked the picture from its place and set it down on the small table they were at. She pointed at him.

 “Where has that boy gone, if you don’t mind my asking?”

He stared hard at the picture, trying to find the answer. Taemin felt so defeated when he couldn’t find it within himself.

“Were you hurt?” the woman asked.

Taemin preferred to keep silent. Everyone gets hurt, right? Instead he looked at the picture, his eyes automatically going towards Jinki. His heart beat achingly, and he couldn’t help but feel his eyes water in response.

“Taemin…”

He looked up and he felt the woman’s hand take his.

“It may not be my place to say it, but I will anyway.” She cleared . “Acknowledge the hurt. Don’t try to avoid it, or be angry with it…just acknowledge it."

Acknowledge…the hurt? How? The question was bright in his eyes and she tapped his hand.

“You can do it silently, or aloud, but just…acknowledge that you’re hurting.”

“And then what?” he asked in reply.

He didn’t know what to do after. Was he supposed to just let it go? How did he do that when he didn’t know how?

She smiled again, “Continue living.”

He left shortly after that, insisting on signing some posters for her to hang and keep as his way of saying thank you. It was later in the day by now, and he simply wandered the streets, picking some food up from a local market. He ate as he walked, letting the setting sun warm his skin as he made it to the beach. He had always wanted to go here, just to watch the bay lap at the shore. It was when he sat down by himself on the sand and watched the water that he felt for his phone.

No one had texted or called him, knowing he wouldn’t reply unless it was Jonghyun or their manager. He curiously tossed the woman’s words back and forth in his mind. How did one acknowledge the pain? Taemin played with some of the sand and talked quietly to himself.

“I wonder what I would say to Jinki right now…”

Taemin imagined Jinki and Minho standing in front of him, their hands intertwined with each other’s. He glared at the image, and felt himself sob.

“I want to hate you both so much right now.”

The images were silent, staring down at him in return. He gazed at his perfect image of Jinki.

 “You hurt me…you hurt me so much. You gave me no warning, no options. I feel like I was chased out of our relationship because you chose to give up when I wasn’t ready to.”

A single tear dripped from his eyes.

“I wish I could make everything disappear. I almost wish I didn’t know you or love you so the pain can go away.”

He grabbed at his chest, hissing. Here he was in a city unfamiliar to him, crying on the beach to a couple of images conjured by his mind. He knew he probably looked crazy to people who passed by, but for once he found he didn’t care. It felt good to let these feelings out.

“I’m so…mad at you. You never let me give my side, and you distanced yourself away from me. You didn’t care that I still loved you.”

At that moment, the images faded and he stared out at the water. It didn’t feel any different to acknowledge that Jinki and Minho hurt him. But it felt good to acknowledge that he was completely pissed off at them with every fiber of his being.

His eyes widened when he realized that he couldn’t do anything about it though. He couldn’t control Minho or Jinki, or how they felt. He could only control how he reacted, or how he felt. He could choose to mull over and be angry with himself for losing Jinki…or he could move on and choose to be happy.