Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

LIES. 

Whoever said such lies?
Please. 
Please die right now. 

Man, this is such a bad, bad day. 

I stayed up too late last night. Talking to Ji over the phone. Well, it was more like me, listening to him do nothing but-- 
''Nag, nag and nag''
and me saying--
"I'm sorry Ji! I'm sorry! (like a hundred times) What (the hell) do you want me to do?!" 

Man.. I am trying so hard to be a good girlfriend.. But I just don't understand him sometimes..  
It's been going on like this lately. Him, upset over every little thing. And then there's me saying I'm sorry! I'm sorry! like a broken record. 
I am (ing) sorry already! What else does he want from me?!

So anyways, I lack some badly needed sleep.
And this morning, my was dragged out of bed - too ing early. 

Life is so great. 
YG fed me orders for breakfast-- 

"We'll go with this theme." He says, pointing at some paper on the table. 
I looked at what he's pointing at and I'm sure my eyes are about to fall off. 
Is he crazy?!
''Are you sure about this!?''
''Yes."
"But isn't this a little too--" 
"Too y?" 
I nod. 
"Too mature?" 
I nod again. 
He nods too. 
So that means we're on the same page right? 
This idea - it's just too crazy. 
There is no way---
But then he waves a hand in front of him - brushing my objection away. "So what? You're a rockstar! It's not like you make music for kids." He said sounding pissed. 
"But maybe we can choose a different theme--" 
Now he looks pissed. "No more objections! You'll have the pictorial as discussed. Now go away." 

Yum. 

My was then dragged to the location of the shoot. 
Things just moved pretty fast. 
I watched myself get prettied up. The hair, the makeup, the fake tats. 

And then it's time.. 

"Is she ready?" 
"Yeah." 
"Alright people, let's do this." 

I walked up to the set and waited for instructions.
Telling myself to stay calm.. It's no big deal. 
Really. 
I even tried to smile but it probably looked like a grimace to the photographer. "Where do you want me?" 
"Sit down on the low box over there. And show your back to the camera and just look over your shoulder. There. That's right. Dim the lights a litte!!" He barked orders to someone. "Okay, good. Err- Dara?" 
"Yes?" 
"You can take off your robe now." 
I breathe. In and out. 
Yep, this is how it's gonna be. 
A big, big tattoo of a cross is painted down my back, the body was made like an arrow pointing south. And if he shoots from this angle, it's gonna appear like I'm not wearing anything but the damned tats. For the new album's cover, sajangnim says. 
I told him--
"I can't possibly do it!"
And he says-- 
"Too bad. I say you'll do it. And I'm the boss! Ha!" 
Akkkkkk. I wanna punch his face so badly these days. 
But what the hell can I do?! I'm already here. 
I shrugged out of the robe and let it pool around my waist. 

Argh. My head is killing me.
And it doesn't really help when someone's yelling at me on the phone. 
I tried to listen to him despite my throbbing headache. 
Sounds like Ji found out about the photoshoot somehow. 
Don't ask me how, I didn't tell him about it. I thought I can just do the pictorial then tell him about it later when he's in a good mood. I really don't want us to fight anymore. We've been doing nothing but argue over the phone.

"Are you even listening to me?!" 
"I am. Ji-" 
"Then WHY?! Why would you agree to do that?!" 
Ugh. My head. "Ji it's not like-" 
"And you didn't even tell me about it!! What the hell's up with that?!" 
God. I feel dizzy. I closed my eyes but it still feels like the world is spinning a little too fast for comfort. 
But I gotta tell him that it's not like what he thinks. I wasn't at all - my front was covered up. It's just a shot of my back with the big fake tats - it's all just for show--
"You're supposed to tell me about these things!! Because we're in a relationship!! Or did that change just because we're apart? Tell me. Answer me damn it!!" 

I can't! It feels like I'm gonna throw up if I opened my mouth. 
I lied down on the bed, hoping for the moment to pass but that was a mistake. I feel vile coming up my throat --- 
I ran. Ran to the bathroom, dropping my phone somewhere in the process. Dropping on my knees -that hurts- I heaved and heaved but nothing actually comes out my mouth. 
I realize I didn't even eat anything today but sajang's orders. 
A few minutes and I gave up. I spit out for the last time and washed my mouth. Now my throat and my stomach hurts too. 
Great. 
I crawled back to bed after washing up, picking up my phone on the way. 
I feel sick and I just wanna sleep it off but I gotta tell Ji that I'm sorry (for the nth time) and now my phone.. 
Is broken! 

"Oh great." I muttered. 
I tried turning it on. And it doesn't work. 
"Great. ing great!!" 
I threw it to the wall out of frustration. It bounced off the wall and then--
It hit my guitar!
My ing guitar! 

"NOOOOO!!!!" 

I yelled really loud as I watch it fall and it made a terrible terrible sound when it hit the floor. Hard. 
Yeah, the yelling was a big help.
My tears started falling. 
I don't even have the strength to stand up anymore.. 
I turned and buried my face on my pillow and cried.
I'm so so angry. And frustrated. Stressed. Depressed. And all the negative things I can think of. 
Sajangnim and that damned photoshoot! And my boyfriend giving me hell about it! Giving me hell every ing day! Over every little thing! And now my phone is broken! And my guitar -sob- is broken too! I am done!
So ing done!
I cried for a long long time. 

The next morning.. 
I woke up feeling much much worst. 
Sajang should be glad that the pictorial's done cause today --
I wanna hit the mirror and break it into pieces. 
My eyes are swollen from too much crying. 
I feel terrible and I definitely look like it. 
I glared at my reflection. 
''What the hell's wrong with you?!'' 
Silence... Well it's not like my reflection's gonna answer but I really need an answer.
What the hell's wrong with me?

Sighing, I turned away and had a shower. 
If only the water can wash away all these feelings and thoughts boiling up inside me. 
I'm still sighing as I towel myself dry. 
Glancing at the mirror -my eyes- are still swollen. 
I'm gonna have to hide behind my sunglasses today. 

Jjangmae noticed my lack of energy. "Hey are you alright?" 
"Fine." 
"You look pale." 
"I'm an albino." Haha. Not funny. 
Jjangmae doesn't get the lame joke. Tsk. "Are you sure you're alright? You look.. Sick." 
"No I'm fine. Let's just go." I know I'm running a fever but I am never sick. I refuse to be sick. 
He seems hesitant to move. And I just wanna get out of YGE. 
"Aren't we gonna be late?" I asked. Glaring at him behind my sunglasses. 
He doesn't see my glare because the shades are too dark. And he seems distracted. He's looking around - making sure no one's around?
"Er.. Jiyong's been calling all night. And this morning too. He says to tell you to call him ASAP--" He whispered. 
Oh right. Jjangmae knows about me and Ji. 
I showed no reaction. 
I'm too tired to deal with this crap. 
Jjangmae's looking at his phone. "He's calling again. Should I tell him you're gonna call him right now?"
Actually, no. I took a step back. 
"No. I broke my phone. Last night."
"Oh, okay then. Here, you can answer his call." 
He offered me his phone. I didn't make a move to take it. I took another step back. 
"No.. Just tell him I broke my phone. And that.. I'm not with you at the moment. I'll wait for you outside." 
"What--?!"
I walked away. 

It's been half a year since he's gone. 
At first, things were going great. 
We talked and exchanged messages on the phone all day everyday. And it worked, at least for a time. 
But then he got busy doing promotions over there and we can't talk all the time anymore. I completely understand ofcourse, he gotta focus on his work.. So we're still okay. 
And then I got busy doing my own thing over here. So our talks got less and less. And he.. Doesn't understand. 

"I've called you a hundred times why aren't you answering?!"
"I just saw a video of you seated beside this guy on this show and you're talking to him and smiling at him like--! What the ?!"
"What's this pic of you in this mag?! What the hell are you wearing?!"
"Why did you follow this bastard in twitter!? Why'd you like this pic in insta?! Why are the fans shipping you with this bastard?!"

I already feel like crap. 
I really can't deal with all of those crap right now. 
His crap, not mine. 
If I answered his call I'm sure he'll just give me hell. 
And then I'll say sorry again and again until he calms down.
And then the next day, he'll find something else to get upset about and he'll give me hell about it again and I'm gonna have to say a hundred sorries again. And the day after that, it's gonna be back to square one---Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what's gonna happen. 

Well how about----- NO. 

I've been patient and understanding. And I was expecting him to be the same. 
I've told him again and again, it's just work, it's just for show. Why do I even need to tell him that? He should already know. 
Well, I can't make him understand what he refuses to understand. 
And me saying sorry's getting old. 

Pretty damn old.