"Congrats guys. Really, the Very Good comeback was very good. And the tour went just as well!  I have decided to reward you kiddos. Guess what it is!" The boys' CEO grinned widely. It was not hard to be happy around her, as Jiho handpicked only the most attractive and good natured female CEOs. 

"Candy!" Yukwon yelled. 

"A spa trip!" Jaehyo squealed, jumping up and down. 

"Trip to a shooting range?" Kyung offered. 

"Strip club?" Jiho asked hopefully. Everyone in the room rolled their eyes at the same moment. 

"Dance party?" Jihoon smiled. 

"A date." Minhyuk hoped he would get a girlfriend. 

"A road trip?" Taeil asked, eyes wide. 

"BINGO!" The CEO screamed, shocking the the seven boys out of their seats. "You guys are going to go on a road trip in the southern united states!" The CEO looked around for a beaming face but only found Taeil's huge smile. 

"Isn't that where the hillbillies are?" Jihoon asked, worried. 

"No, Texas is filled with British people." Kyung scoffed, rolling his eyes. 

"Wow, really? That's so cool!" Jihoon grinned. 

"He was lying." Jaehyo frowned at Jihoon who in turn look shell shocked. 

"My dreams are crushed."

----

"Now remember, no fighting, disrespect, yelling or weapons." The CEO finished the sentence with a firm glare at Kyung and Jaehyo. 

"I didn't know lighters were considered a weapon!" Kyung yelled, crossing his arms. 

"It is when you set Jaehyo's foundation on fire." Jiho grinned, looking at the two distraught boys. 

"How is my bb cream a weapon? Is it dangerous to look this good? Has my gorgeous face become a danger to humankind?" Jaehyo flung a hand over his forehead, laying back on his large magenta suitcase. 

"No, you rubbed the flaming foundation off on Jihoon." Taeil sighed, shaking his head at his idiotic bandmates. 

"Guys they just announced our flight! All follow the leader now." Jiho grinned, walking ahead with his hello kitty suitcase, his "second in command" Kyung following close behind. All seven boarded the plane without a hitch for once and settled down nicely.

 "So, what city are we going to first?" Minhyuk asked, looking at Taeil and Jiho. 

"Oak-la-hoe-mah city." Jiho read it off a map. "Capitol of Oak-la-hoe-mah."

"What's a "oak-la-hoe-mah"?" Jihoon asked, puzzled. He really shouldn't have slept through his foreign places class. 

"Oklahoma is a huge forest where a bunch of hookers live." Kyung told Jihoon. 

"Wow, really? You know a lot about America!" Jihoon smiled hugely at Kyung, in amazement of the elder's "knowledge of America". Jiho frowned, he deserved the adoration from Jihoon more than Kyung did. He was the leader after all. 

"No, Oklahoma is not a giant forest full of hookers. It's a very flat state in the shape of a frying pan." Yukwon rolled his eyes at the gullible Jihoon. 

"Oklahoma is a forest full of hookers inside a frying pan? Wouldn't they all burn up?!" Jihoon looked mentally scarred. "I'm going to bring some aloe vera." Jihoon pulled out a small potted aloe plant and began to it lovingly. 

"What the actual ." Kyung said, looking at Jihoon being a caring mother for his tender young aloe child. 

"Mothership at it's best?" Minhyuk offered, looking at the maknae and his spiny plant. 

"Goodnight guys. I'm going to nap on the plane." Jaehyo leaned on the window, closing his eyes and cuddling his plush panda. 

"It's noon. How are you tired?" Taeil asked the "slumbering" Jaehyo. 

"A true beauty king needs his twelve hours. It's something you.... average looking people wouldn't understand." Jaehyo flicked his hair out of his eyes and settled down again. The plane jolted as it took off. 

"I thought you said a true beauty king can look good without any sleep." Yukwon looked at Jaehyo with a puzzled look. 

"Hey! We're not average looking!" Jiho frowned at Jaehyo. 

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry. You all look average except for Jiho. He looks ugly. Now, let me sleep, I can hear my hair going grey." Jaehyo shut his eyes tightly and refluffed his plushie. Jiho frowned, glaring at everyone. 

"It's ok Jiho, I think you look fantastically ugly." Kyung grinned, flicking Jiho's nose. "Your nose can be seen from miles away, it's very useful." 

"I hate you." Jiho looked at Kyung angrily. 

"Noses continue to grow your entire life." Taeil said. "Imagine how large your nose will be when you're a grandpa."

"Jiho will never be a grandpa. I don't  think Kyung wants kids." Minhyuk grinned. 

"I don't think Kyung wants Jiho either." Yukwon said as the boys watched Kyung kick Jiho in the shins again. 

---- 

"So this is what Oklahoma looks like?" Taeil said, looking out at the flat plains and farm land on a flyer. 

"Oklahoma looks pretty damn boring to me." Kyung sighed, dropping a flyer. 

"Oklahoma is a snoozefest!" Jaehyo complained loudly. 

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU UGLYASS MOTHERER?!" A chubby person with a beard screamed. 

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME UGLY?! YOU WANNA GO? Taeil, hold my panda imma bout to smack this man up!" Jaehyo shrieked, throwing his plush at Taeil. 

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A MAN? I AM CLEARLY A WOMAN! LOOK AT MY VOLUPTUOUS CURVES!" The bearded lady screamed in Jaehyo's face. 

"Hold up guys, stop fighting!" Jiho yelled, stepping between the arguing enemies. 

"Why should we stop, hmmm?" The bearded lady eyed Jiho evilly. 

"Because I'm the leader!" Jiho yelled, looking at her. The lady blinked calmly and punched the man in the face, shoving him aside to deliver a 520 degree kick to Jaehyo's face. 

----

"I didn't know bearded ladies knew taekwondo." Jaehyo groaned, rubbing his bandaged head. 

"I didn't know ladies could grow beards." Jiho complained, looking at his black eye in the mirror. 

"I didn't know Jiho could look any uglier, but go figure." Kyung smirked, earning a slap from Jiho. 

"Where are we gonna visit first?" Jaehyo asked, applying bb cream. According to Jaehyo, bb cream scientifically makes you look better by 67.895% because the makers of bb cream grind up magical fairy dust and put it in. That is completely fact. You can put it in your science paper if you want, but you better give The Hyo the royalties. Beauty ain't cheap. 

"We're going to the BICH ranch." Taeil smiled.

"The ranch?" Jiho looked surprised. 

"No the B. I. C. H. ranch. It stands for Benny Inglesia's Cattle Heaven." Taeil grinned, waving the flyer in front of Jiho's nonassulted eyeball. 

"We get to milk cows too. Sunhye loves milk..." Yukwon trailed off. 

"And all the ranchers are hot girls. I might get a girlfriend!" Minhyuk cheered excitedly. 

"And we get to milk cows! Kyungie-hyung told me that when you milk the brown cows you get chocolate milk!" Jihoon exclaimed excitedly, bouncing up and down. 

"That was a lie. I lied." Kyung said, looking at Jihoon. Jihoon stared at Kyung, teary eyed. 

"R-really?" Jihoon looked devastated. 

"Yes. And don't call me Kyungie-hyung. It sounds stupid." Kyung looked at Jihoon. 

"My life is ruined."

----

"Where are the cows?"

"Where are the hot chicks?"

"Where is my lighter?"

"Where is my BB cream?!" A particular voice wailed, as the seven boys walked through the gates to the ranch. After a fitful night of sleep at a two star motel, who's restrooms looked like the last time they had been cleaned was when the dinosaurs went extinct. Jaehyo had been robbed of his prized possession, a limited edition bottle of etude house BB creme with extra vitamin D by a small girl who resembled Snooki (Kyung was convinced the theif was an oompa loompa). 

"Why hello there, kiddos! What brings you guys and gal to this fine ranching establishment?" a farmer who looked like he had never heard of sunscreen asked, chewing a piece of wheat. 

"I'm a guy." Jaehyo sighed, messing with his nails. 

"I don't care missy. Anyways, you people are going to lend a helping hand to my ranch today, giving you valuable real life experience in the fine art of raising animals." The rancher said gruffly. 

"So we get to heard cattle? I'm good at hearding these lunatics, so I'm gonna do well." Jiho smiled and got kicked by Yukwon. 

"That's not true at all. We're herding ostriches. They're a completely different type of animal." The rancher grinned, showing off his sixteen missing teeth (Minhyuk counted). 

"Do we get any help?" Taeil asked nervously. 

"Yeah. Bertha! Betsy! Come on in, we've got a bunch of chine-"

"We. Are. Korean." Kyung stated, crossing his arms. 

"Bertha, Betsy! These chinese guys and gal are gunna help us heard them ostriches!" The rancher yelled at his barn. 

 Out came two tall, curvy women. One on the left, Bertha (or it could have been Betsy), had a five o'clock shadow and was missing a front tooth. The other, Betsy (or it could have been Bertha), had a unibrow and the worst case of ripped cuticles Jaehyo had seen in his life (he still has nightmares about them). In other words, the "y female farmhands" weren't y or very feminine. 

"Howdy. We're Betsy and Bertha." Betsy (or maybe Bertha) smiled, exposing her missing tooth. 

"We're pro ostrich wranglers." Bertha (but it could have been Betsy) clapped her hands, showing off her disgusting fingernails. Both of them smelled like rotting hay mixed with horse manure fertilizer. 

----

"I swear if I hear 'no you have to grab it's tail that way' I am going to ing punch an ostrich right in it's ugly- face." Kyung growled, putting down a half empty bucket of ostrich feed. 

"PETA is going to arrest you." Taeil pointed out. 

" peeta, this ain't no hunger games ." Kyung kicked an ostrich brush, mishearing what Taeil said. 

"Hey, Jiwoon, you have to grab it's tail that way." Bertha (or Betsy, nobody is sure anymore).

"Nope. Nope. Nope. I am done with this ." Kyung ran forward to punch an ostrich in the face. Luckily his bandmates were able to restrain him before he got the kicked out of him by an enraged avian. 

----

"Do you know how much trouble you have gotten us in?" Jiho scolded Kyung on the way back home. 

"Do you know how much I care?" Kyung made a zero with his hands. 

"Did you know that ostriches don't actually stick their heads in the ground?" Jihoon asked, clearly excited. 

"Sunhye's favorite animal is an ostrich." Yukwon moped sadly. 

"Now that," Minhyuk stated "is really ing weird."

________________________

 Authors note

 Chapter one is up :D! Thank you SimplyStrange for commenting, comments, upvotes and subscribing makes my day. I'm not even kidding. 

 Anyways, I did not mean to offend any oklahomans, bearded ladies or unibrowed people. All of y'all are cool. Also I probably should have warned y'all, there's a good amount of cursing in this fic.