Coresponding Chapter in "Can You Smile"

Jiu wasn’t entirely sure if sharing his stained and bloody past was the best thing to do. He had to admit that he was scared, for the first time in years he was truly terrified. He was scared to lose SungYeol as someone so pure, so light and bright should not be stuck with a murder, a trash, living dirt, who is visited in his nightmares by ghosts of all the innocent people he had killed. But if he wouldn’t share it with SungYeol it would make him rot form the inside, it would spoil him to no way to return. Beside he knew so much about SungYeol’s past, his own being wrapped in black veils it was not fair.

“When I was around 7… I guess 7, maybe more or less, I don’t remember or maybe I don’t want to remember, I was disowned by my parents,” Jiu began and did his best not to let the moment of his mother closing the door in front of his fair-haired self to be too vivid before his eyes. Yet he could clearly see the door closing, the curtains being closed by his father. He could hear the lock clicking and thus his life slowly starting to fall apart.

“They decided there’s no use of a boy who isn’t born in marriage. They kicked me out because of their own mistakes and I ended up on the street and living on the street in Beijing isn’t easy or nice,” Jiu explained, knowing that not even his odd looks were the main reason for his parents giving up on him. They would have put up with that but the their focus on their carriers, the fact they didn’t want to tie each other down with marriage, that they didn’t want a child connecting them when they were going for a financial peak – those were the factors that had made them end 7 years of neglecting finalize in throwing a helpless child on the thug filled streets of Beijing.

Jiu decided upon not sharing his life in Beijing. The digging through dumpsters, the stealing, the sleeping in gutters – it all was a past SungYeol had experienced far too recently for it to be brought up again. Maybe one day in future they both could look back at those times together when they wouldn’t have to worry about it ever again.

“As a refugee at age of 10 I went to Japan, where I was soon taken in by a man called Miyaji, at least by this name everyone, including me, addressed him,” Jiu vividly recalled trying the customize his Beijing lifestyle to Tokyo, failing and running in to Miyaji while he was running away from the police. At that very moment it seemed like a source of light, but it was very far from being that.

“He raised me and gave me home, food, training and discipline, but nothing more. He still kept me away from himself in separate rooms and as soon as it was possible in separate houses,” fighting fellow refuges, children of his own age, younger and older floated in Jiu’s mind. He lost so many times he could no longer take it. He couldn’t see himself as a third grade trash and he couldn’t imagine being kicked away again so he begun training on his own, observing the older soldiers of Miyaji’s private little army.

He worked on his strength, stamina and pain tolerance, he turned off the past and focused on pleasing his new ‘father’ and soon from the loser he became a victor, earning praises. Jiu was enrolled in serious military training when he was 13, and the struggles that came with it where natural, scars on his back still reminding of failures. But he progressed and soon with his determination and natural talent overpowered even higher ranking generals.

“He started to give me simple missions – bringing him papers, sneaking into places, and finding people for him and as he said, I turned out to be natural in all that and if I would continue like that, one day I would be able to take revenge to those who threw me away and show them who I’ve become.” Jiu remembered that promise; he remembered the burning hatred Miyaji had awoken in against his parents, against the system that had forced them to do that to him. He remembered the speech clearly. “The corrupted government that makes parent turn in to monsters who only think about money and abandon their children for success. There are so many of them everywhere and I have a way how to teach them all a lesson,” was what Miyaji had said and back then it had made even too much sense to Jiu.

“Is that what you’ve been having nightmares about?” SungYeol asked quietly and Jiu just nodded. It was hard to even put in words the whole content of his nightmares, but his was past was a huge part of them.

“Not long after I found out that Miyaji works for an organization called ‘New World Order’ or just NWO, and that they are planning on achieving something big in Japan in following years, and the year they chose for that was this year.” Jiu turned the path of his story to present. He wanted and didn’t want to tell that he became a hit man for a while, that his hands had had more blood on them than anything else and he could feel he hadn’t washed it all off and that he would never be able to do that. He wanted to share his story but keeping it vague was the best for now.

“It started with relatively small things – kidnappings and gaining some money for operations by ransoms, though no one ever asked that money from me and I still have it all; getting weapons and explosives from underground crooks etc. But some time ago the thing finally got serious and not only was more of NWO but also police forces joined in to this madness, which’s main purpose to establish a new autonomic district in Tokyo,” Jiu attempted to explain the situation shortly, as he had to admit to himself now, he wasn’t even truly sure on what was going on.

“The rest of the idea was unclear for me and I didn’t try to go deeper in it, maybe that’s why I lost my connection with this idea somewhere in the middle of all that and apart from this, as I thought, mutual respect between Miyaji and me, I continued to what I was asked to.” Jiu sighed and as if responding, as if showing that SungYeol is still there and still listening he squeezed Jiu’s hand a bit. The small act made Jiu to continue speaking and share what he felt more bravely. It was strange to be frightened by something as simple as speaking, but it was almost a new concept to him to speak this much, not to mention the heavy topic. But SungYeol’s presence encouraged him.

“Then, somewhere in between al this mess you came around and I have no idea why but everything changed for me even more. I was… no longer alone and pushed away…” Jiu looked at SungYeol and he wished he would know how to better express and bring across all he felt, all SungYeol He didn’t recognize his own feelings well enough and he couldn’t tie them together with terms he had only read in books, but he silently hoped that SungYeol somehow saw it and understood Jiu’s ruined heart.

“Everything changed even more when you said that you don’t want revenge on those who harmed you so much. It had me thinking about why I wanted revenge and did I really want it.” Jiu looked away again, trying to find words how to explain at least a part of his feelings. “I had… have this feeling that you understand me, that you know this feeling of being afraid to be alone. Maybe that’s why I…” Jiu stopped what he wanted to say as words didn’t want to come out correctly. How could he bring across something so complex and layered he didn’t even understand it himself?

“I swore to myself not to leave you as long as you won’t leave me,” Jiu settled for such explanation and continued. “And then, that night, I thought that I would have to break this resolution. Things went terribly wrong in the plan and something in my mind clicked making me realize that all this was not for me. I did something that made me traitor in Miyaji’s eyes and I got the highest punishment – three bullets,” the scene was extremely vivid before Jiu’s eyes, but he pushed it back, focusing on SungYeol’s warm hands rather than the head of bullets piercing through his flesh.

“I felt betrayed though I betrayed him first and when I pressed the detonator, that blew the place sky high, all I thought about was that I can’t leave you,” this was the best way Jiu could explain how he felt, how much SungYeol meant for him at least for now and he hoped SungYeol would understand and it seemed that he did, and didn’t at the same time. SungYeol took Jiu’s face in his hands and turned him, so that he could press his lips against Jiu’s, yet the kiss was short as Jiu pushed him away.

“SungYeol, I’m not the one who you probably think I am. I am not an innocent victim… I have done so much wrong… I have killed people…” Jiu said, the last part quieter. His lips had failed him and the fact he didn’t want to voice out spilled past them and even though it was now out in the open, SungYeol didn’t seem affected.
“I know… Well, I foresaw that.” SungYeol said and took Jiu’s hands in his. “You once said that you’re not the one, who leaves, if you’re not being left, so, I am not leaving you…”

“Because you don’t want to be left…” Jiu sighed. He believed in SungYeol, but when you are a trash, a dirt you are allowed to have your pinch of doubts upon why people are around you and whether they would stay there when things would go bad.

“No, because I’m like that too – I don’t leave until I’m left.” SungYeol smiled and suddenly, for a reason unknown, Jiu’s heart felt at ease. It was as if these promises of not leaving one another mere far more than just that. It felt as an unspoken devotion and trust that none of them would dare to break and it was probably both of them needed the most now and always.

As if making sure of it, that SungYeol would not force him away, Jiu leaned forward, pressing his lips gently against SungYeol’s, now really feeling the touch and letting it to sink in his mind. “What if I’m determined of not leaving you… ever?” Jiu asked, his faces just inches away from SungYeol’s. 

“Then I’ll be with you as long as ‘ever’ will last.” SungYeol said and pressed his lips against Jiu’s again. It was a feeling he had been missing since that one night he felt like a true human being, since the night he felt SungYeol as close as it was possible and he had forgotten about his own crimes and what his stained hands could do to an angel he needed in his life. Now as well he had to remind to him that as for now he was a ghost, a ghost who was haunted himself and he couldn’t let himself to touch SungYeol how he wanted, how he longed to do.

Jiu couldn’t fight back the need to hold the tall lean male close at night. He needed his warmth and scent to make the nightmares to melt away, to be sane and not even think about returning to the lifestyle he despised more than anything now. He needed to feel SungYeol’s steady breathing to know that he was really here, that he was not leaving and that he was safe and protected. It was enough, but a ghost couldn’t protect SungYeol forever.

This new way of living with no errands, no dark businesses made the whole world extremely different for Jiu and he indeed felt like a phantom who viewed everything differently. Sunrises were in different colors knowing he didn’t have to leave SungYeol. Sunsets where his favorite time, when SungYeol’s body took its place next to him, fitting by his side as a puzzle piece.

Each night made him understand more and more that as long as he would see the blond murderer in the mirror, as long as his past would be coded in his being, he couldn’t be with SungYeol like both of them wanted. It was an extremely hard decision to let go of SungYeol in the morning, to cover his frame with the blanket and sneak out without him knowing, but it all was for him, for them.

Jiu made his way quietly through the streets, a cap he had ‘borrowed’ covering his head and partly his face. He wasn’t sure how alive the NWO issue was now, but he still didn’t want to be seen. He quietly made his way to a store, picked the needed items, paid and left the same way he came. What he had decided to was not a lot, but he had to begin his changes somewhere, he had to transform himself slowly to be worthy of SungYeol’ promise to always be with him, he had to become a worthy protector.

The morning was still young when a completely different man looked at Jiu from the mirror. The blond locks were gone, pitch black, wet mane now framing his face. The Jiu that was known to the world had to disappear and turn in to the man that was with SungYeol. No longer the blond demonic freak, who roamed around with criminals, but a knight ready to fall for his prince if needed.

Jiu made his way back to the room, where SungYeol was still sleeping, and took his loyal blade from the cabinet where it was laying since the night Jiu barely made his way back. He sat in front of the window and grabbed a handful of his now black hair and let the blade to do its job, t his hair short.

This was the very first stage of his transformation, but he already felt worthier, more suited for SungYeol and his presence. He slowly turned from a demon in to a knight and no matter what it would take, he would make himself good enough for SungYeol, throwing his dark past as far away as possible.

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Hello!~

I am finally kind of back on working with this story, so I hope I will be able to update at least one in few weeks. ^^

Thank you for your patience for updates, and I hope you will like the upcoming ones! ^^