Coresponding chapter in "Can You Smile" 

The chilly air of a summer night entered the small, heated room trough the glass-less window, swirling around the sound-asleep SungYeol and wide-awake Jiu, who was holding the earlier close. It was not by his free will, it was not a decision he made – it was a gut feeling to do this, to wrap his arms around SungYeol’s slender frame and pull his cooled down, shivering frame as close as he could, protecting him from menacing air of the summer night. It was an instinct, an old, very distant memory of times Jiu did not recall himself, to pull the blanket more over SungYeol’s shoulders and not to move away, when the latter tightened his grip around Jiu’s middle and snuggled closer, seeking for warmth.

It was no surprise he had fell asleep near right after he had given his all to Jiu. He was still weak, still too thin, living in malnutrition to go through such physically tiring actions, which had drained even Jiu, and remain awake. The same went for him being more responsive to the cold. He was not made for living like this; he had to be somewhere warm, cozy and safe; safer than Jiu could offer him for now.

Jiu hesitantly raised his left hand, as SungYeol was sleeping on his right, and threaded his fingers trough the sleeping ones hair, which were a light mess, smoothing them away from his face. He traced his fingers over his forehead and eyebrows, gently over his closed eyelids, his nose and puffy cheeks, which probably would look even better if he could eat properly. Jiu let his fingers to run over SungYeol’s jaw and carefully over his kiss swollen, lightly bruised lips and chin and then slowly down his neck, over his beauty-marks, Jiu had noticed before, freezing when SungYeol stirred in his sleep. Yet all the latter did was move closer to Jiu and let out, as it seemed, a satisfied hum.

How could have someone ever hurt someone so beautiful, someone so ethereal, someone so unaffected by all the wrong doings and still remained pure and clear? And better yet, why was someone like him right now holding on to a criminal like Jiu?

Jiu was dirt. A trash kicked around, not wanted, not needed for anything more but to spill blood and hurt those he didn’t even know. He was an outcast since the day he was born and up till this night not a single touch he received had been as gentle as the one’s SungYeol gave to him. Not a single look, not a single word given to him ever had been as warm as the one’s SungYeol had delivered this night. And did he deserve them? Probably not.

Jiu looked down at the sleeping boy on his chest and let his fingers to move up from his neck, where they had stopped and back to his hair, his fingers dancing trough them again. He had never held anyone this close, he had never had this feeling of someone being there, someone being with him and now he had the pure angelic SungYeol in his arms… in arms that had carried dead flesh, in arms that carried guns, arms that attached his blood drenched hands to his body, the hands that had killed, hands that had tormented, hands that carried all his wrong doings.

In shock, Jiu pulled away. He withdrew his hand from SungYeol’s hair and moved away from the sleeping boy as fast as he could, off the matters on the concrete floor. His breathing was racing, heart hammering in his chest but not because of the reasons they did earlier. He had never felt filthier than he did then in that very moment.

How dared he to touch SungYeol with his blood stained hands? How dared he to hold him in the same arms he had used to eliminate his kills? How dared he to force his blood stained self on someone so pure?

His breathing went out of control by the very thought he could have given his sins, his wrongdoings to SungYeol. Jiu could not control the shaking that suddenly came over him by mere image of SungYeol taking over the lifestyle Jiu was doomed to live. The thought he had when he first met the tall boy, the thought of him being Jiu’s odd mirror reflection was back, only now it seems too real, too frightening even for Jiu, who had seen all wrong, horrifying and grotesque the world could offer. He couldn’t allow that to become part of SungYeol’s life.

Jiu looked down at his shaking hands, blood almost visible on them for him, but a quiet whimper called him back. He raised his head, looking at SungYeol. The latter was no longer sleeping as peacefully as he was moments ago. He was squirming and whimpering, desperately pulling the thin blanket around his near as equally thin frame, yet still shivering from cold. He tossed and turned around the matters as if seeking for something there. His face was pulled in a grimace of discontent and worry, his long arms escaping the relatively warm environment under the blanket and grabbing on empty air, where Jiu was laying minutes ago.

“Don’t go…” SungYeol let out in his restless sleep, a whimper escaping right after, shooting right through Jiu’s chest so painfully as if a knife had cut his skin. Did SungYeol indeed, truthfully need him?

He observed SungYeol for a moment longer and when another shiver run through his body he rose from the floor and moved back to the mattress. He laid back down next SungYeol at the spot where he was before and as if being awake, SungYeol was next to him, or more like partly on top of him the very second. His head found its place on Jiu’s chest, his long arms snaking around Jiu’s middle and his legs tangling with Jiu’s. A sight of content left him, his face going back to the calm expression he had before and with one last shiver he sank back in the same, deep sleep he was in before Jiu had his terrifying epiphany.

Only when SungYeol shivered again and tried to move even closer Jiu let his hands to go around other’s frame and hold him closer. So SungYeol indeed needed him. He needed the dirty, sinful thing that was Jiu for a reason Jiu didn’t grasp, but if SungYeol needed him, who was he to refuse such pure creature of what he wanted.

He once had read a fairytale of a princess who had a demon as guardian*. It was an evil, grotesque creature that drank blood of living beings and murdered lost travelers for fun, but when it faced the lost princess, it could not harm her. The beauty and kindness of the princess made it near harmless around her. She didn’t judge him for his bloody past nor did she ask him to stop. All she did ask was for him to protect her from those who could harm her, as no man her palace was strong enough to do so. The demon pledged its unending loyalty to the princess and guarded her. Yet one day, during its hunting time, he was wounded by knights who searched for the princess and had tracked the demon down. With its last breaths the demon dragged its wounded body to where the princess was hiding, warning her about the ones who were looking for her.

With tears in her eyes the princess nursed the wounded demon until in a full moon night, his red scales and horns disappeared. His tail fell off and crooked fingers turned in to human ones. The kind heart and care the princess gave him not only cured the demons wounds but also lifted his curse and the demon turned in to a prince, who then protected his princess till their last days.

Jiu looked sleeping SungYeol and let out a breath before letting his fingers to run through his hair again. SungYeol was like the princess in the fairytale. He didn’t ask about Jiu’s past, he didn’t judge. He simply needed a safe shelter and a protector, someone who wouldn’t leave him and would be for and with him until the end. That made Jiu the demon.

His dark past and even darker present haunted him; it was imprinted in his skin like scales, horns, claws and tail of a demon and he couldn’t shake it off himself even if he wanted to. His only hope to ever get rid of his own curse was SungYeol – the pure creature, which was now sleeping so calmly Jiu’s eyes got heavy with sleep as well.

Jiu shook his head and pulled SungYeol a little closer, pulling the blanket over his shoulders again. If he indeed was SungYeol protector, he had to do it properly. He had to find a way how to give him proper meals, how to let him gain back his energy, but most importantly prepare for winter.

It was now just the very beginning of summer – May in its full bloom – but if even the chilly air of a clear night now made SungYeol to seek for warmth, what would happen in winter, the 3 months that were a rough time even for Jiu? He could try and search for another hide-out with windows and maybe, heating, he could buy warmer clothes, but would that be enough?

His eyes traveled to the black backpack that was standing at the opposite wall. He could give SungYeol enough money so he could live somewhere with windows, with heating, with proper meals available. But the money was a filthy as Jiu’s life, and if someone would catch SungYeol using it, he would be blamed, he would be punished, he would be…

Jiu shook his head and looked at SungYeol. No, not now. He would find a way how to give SungYeol all he deserved, but now he would take care of him as he could and even when his doubts would attack him, he wouldn’t leave SungYeol. SungYeol needed him and despite being the demon Jiu was, he needed SungYeol and not just for lifting his own curse.

Jiu looked at the sleeping one for a moment longer until his eyelids got heavy and despite being used to stay awake for days, despite the fear of nightmares haunting him when he closed his eyes, Jiu tightened his grip around SungYeol and let himself to slowly drift to sleep.

The morning came slowly, lazily and calmly. Jiu opened his eyes only when the trees behind the glass-less window were already all covered in the golden light of the risen sun. He blinked a few times and the first thing he did was checking on the boy sleeping next to him. He remembered every single detail of the past night, every single thought that had run through his head, all his insecurities, but the feelings, the sensations SungYeol gave him were far more vivid than bad things and that was what mattered for Jiu at the moment.

He let out a breath of content and turned his gaze to the grey ceiling, images, sounds and feelings from last night flowing around his head. Despite his epiphany, that had been the best nigh of his life and this was the best morning. SungYeol’s now warm body was pressed against his and nothing, literally nothing to his mind could feel better, feel more right than this.

SungYeol next to him stirred and Jiu glanced at him before looking back at the ceiling. The earlier was definitely awake now, his breathing not as calm. His head moved away from Jiu’s chest, which he had used as a pillow and Jiu could feel him looking at him.

“Good… Good morning…” SungYeol said and Jiu turned his gaze to him. He looked as beautiful as last night or maybe, just maybe even better. SungYeol’s hair were tussled, his lips still slightly swollen, his eyes still heavy with sleep. Jiu had never even dreamed, even dared to imagine someone so beautiful next to him. This morning, this scene before Jiu’s eyes were indeed good, but the word good seemed not enough to describe it, so Jiu remained silent and turned his gaze back to the ceiling.

SungYeol moved again, this time slowly rising up and reluctantly Jiu loosened his grip around SungYeol, letting him to do so. He had to slowly let go or else he would hold him close trough out the whole day till a new night would come, when he would embrace SungYeol even closer, starting a circle from which he wouldn’t want to get out. He would remain with SungYeol at all times, being with him, holding him and that was not an option.

Jiu’s ‘work partners’ would come seeking for him and he couldn’t let them find out about SungYeol. If Jiu was a cursed demon, then the ones’ he had to work with were spawns of Satan, determined to spoil and ruin all good and pure. He couldn’t get their hands on SungYeol. Ever.

“I remember that you left last night… after we…” SungYeol said, and Jiu went back from his thoughts, his disgusting memories of what he had witnessed, to SungYeol’s curing presence. Jiu was not sure what SungYeol was talking about, so he waited for him to continue and turned his look away from the grey above his head, to SungYeol next to him.

The latter was now holding on to the blanket that covered his and Jiu’s lower halves and then suddenly let go of it, covering his face with his palms. “Ouh my God. I am so stupid.” He murmured and Jiu at first didn’t understand why, but then what SungYeol said, how he acted trough his sleep clouded mind last night came back to him and that explained it.

“You’re not.” Jiu said and moved a bit closer. SungYeol was not stupid, he was afraid and Jiu knew how it felt, to have this fear that everyone will leave. In all honestly, he feared SungYeol would leave as well, but what he felt now was not important. SungYeol was more important.

“After the way how everyone had treated you before, your request for me to stay was reasonable.” Jiu continued when SungYeol had removed his hands from his face. There were hundreds of mini emotions written across SungYeol’s face, but sadness won over. The past, no matter how good SungYeol handled it, was still there and was till painful and it was visible. SungYeol let out a sigh that shook noticeably and bit on his lower lip looking away from Jiu and something in Jiu snapped in anger for those who had made SungYeol like this, so vulnerable, and in need to protect him from the mere feeling of being hurt.

Slowly, Jiu raised his hand and placed it on SungYeol cheek, slowly caressing it and waiting for SungYeol to look at him, which the latter did. Spare to say Jiu had never done this and the only time he had experienced something like this on himself was last night, when SungYeol’s touch had cleared his mind from all thoughts and made him solely focus on the beauty before him. He silently hope his touch could have the same magical effect on SungYeol, but he also knew the touch would not be enough.

He inhaled deeply and leaned closer, pressing his lips against SungYeol’s for a short moment. He had no choice to keep it short, despite the want, no, need to kiss SungYeol as deeply, as passionately as last night. He wanted to hold the taller one in his arms and kiss him for hours. To kiss his soft lips, lay kisses on his cheeks and gracious neck, to mark SungYeol’s skin with his lips where-ever he could and have him the same way he head him last night. He wanted to hear all those wonderful sounds and again and again, letting everything else to fade away.

If he would have kissed SungYeol for a second longer, he wouldn’t be able to stop, but he already knew as soon as he would continue, the biggest evil he knew would search for him and like the demon in the fairytale he had to protect SungYeol from all wrongdoers. He was ready to give his all for his personal redemption.

“I am not someone who leaves as long as I’m not being left.” The blond spoke and looked at SungYeol for a second longer, longing to kiss him again, yet restraining himself. He stood up and picked up the clothes that were scattered around the room. With final glance he left to the shower in need to wash away the thoughts, the memories from one single night in order not to give way his secret, his already permanent guest.

Jiu stood under the shower for long minutes, calming his heated body, as the very thought of having SungYeol again gave spark to died out fire he had felt last night and he couldn’t afford that. He couldn’t have SungYeol again, not now, not for a while. He first had to try save himself at least somehow. The demon did not force itself on the princess and Jiu would not force himself on SungYeol. He would first wash the blood, the shame and sin off himself and only then dare to have SungYeol, to hold him like he did this night – their bare bodies molding together as one.

Jiu turned the shower off and looked at himself in the miserable mirror that was in the small room. He was a demon on a quest to protect his prince and he was ready to anything to keep him safe and to find a way out of his cures. All for SungYeol. 

* - I made that up. I have no idea if a fairytale like that exists or not, but my mind said it fits in here.

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Hello~
My exams are almost over, so I will slowly return to writing! YEY~
I hope you liked this insight in Jiu's head and feelings. ^_^
P.S I found this WONDERFUL thing and I am supper spazzy. Like, WHY I didn't know it exists? 
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