Egocentrical Altruism
Project: Cupid!
Project: Cupid!
Chapter 12: Egocentric Altruism
“You’re alright, Unnie?”
Seohyun’s concerned voice drew Yoona back to reality. The Im girl blinked and she hazily looked at her surroundings. She was already back in SNSD dorm –in its bathroom, to be exact. Her hands were holding tightly to the white, marble basin. The remaining of water was still gliding on her porcelain skin, and she had unconsciously let the water from the faucet flow. The ever environmental-friendly Seohyun shook her head and approached the basin to turn off the faucet. Satisfied that the water was saved, the maknae then glanced back at her youngest unnie.
Yoona composed herself and put up her usual reassuring smile, but Seohyun had witnessed how…spaced out she had been earlier after Krystal’s birthday party. Yoona and Seohyun were two of the few who had decided to go back earlier than the others. The moment they reached the dorm, the older girl immediately rushed to the bathroom and the Seohyun could hear what vaguely sounded like someone over washing her face in an exaggerated manner. Even when she had the detailed formula of washing face, she would never wash her face the way Yoona had just done.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry. Hey, do you want ramyun? I’ll make you one too,” Yoona said as she walked past Seohyun and headed to the kitchen.
To Seohyun, that sounded a lot like someone trying to avoid an important subject. Her sense was telling her that she could not let her unnielike that (Seohyun was the type to believe that problems must be overcome immediately, anyway), so the Seo girl turned around and followed her fellow group mates. “Unnie.I’m all ears.” she shot the proposal directly.
Yoona had honestly no intention to spill out her problems. At least, not until she figured it out herself. The thing was… everything seemed blurry to her at the moment. Or perhaps… it was her who obscured everything on purpose. If that was the case, she did not knowwhy she would do it. Usually, she was an easygoing girl who always aimed for simplicity.
Because you don’t want to admit the truth, a voice spoke inside her mind.
“You don’t have to say it,” she grumbled to herself.
But apparently Seohyun mistook the words to be directed to her. With a slightly trembling voice (after all, Seohyun sincerely wanted to help her unnie….only to be rejected that way?), the maknaereplied, “I-I understand. I-I’m sorry, Unnie, for meddling into your affair…”
Yoona sighed and found the urge to slap herself. Seohyun was always like her precious little sister (although, unlike any other little sisters, Seohyun could always take care of herself very, very well) to her and the actress immediately felt guilt was showering her in one instance. “No, Seohyun. I wasn’t talking to you. You did nothing wrong.”
“Then… you’re willing to let me help you? Just to hear your problems. Perhaps I could help.”
Yoona considered herself as a strong girl who would not fall into any bully’s trap. She always had some sort of mechanism to protect herself, so it was never easy for anyone to manipulate her. But with Seohyun… often Yoona felt like Seohyun’s genuine concern was her weak link. If Seohyun (and no one else) looked at her with that kind of puppy eyes… Yoona never thought she could say no.
“You are not good for my mental health,” the older girl said as she pointed at Seohyun. Her intention to cook ramyun was forgotten; Yoona pulled out the kitchen chair and sat on it. The maknaecopied her movements.
“Ah, but Unnie... If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine…”
Yoona chuckled in disbelief. “And you say that with eyes clearly passionate for a chance to help me.” In fondness, her hand reached up to ruffle Seohyun’s long, straight hair. “It’s okay. I suppose… I need to let it out anyway. Besides, I think you’re the right person to talk to.”
Seohyun couldn’t even properly hide her happiness when she was entrusted with her senior’s reliance. Attentively, she leaned closer to hear Yoona’s further confession.
“Do you still remember when you talk about how variety love show…can manipulate one’s feelings?”
The youngest SNSD member’s eyes lit up in recognition…and understanding. She nodded in affirmation and questioned back, “Is this related to Donghae Oppa?”
Yoona chuckled. “Why him all so sudden?”
“I’m…saving Unnie’stime. Because Unnieis the type who likes straightforward conversation, so I suppose I can just engage you in that kind of conversation too.”
A smile of amazement was seen in the Im girl’s face. “Your thoughtfulness is too scary sometimes. But alright. You got me right. Yes, it’s about Donghae Oppa… and clearly about the reality show project that we are in now. And…I think I like him.”
Seohyun spoke nothing and Yoona continued her speech. “I mean, I’ve kind of confessed already that I had a crush on him. But I continue to treat him as a friend, because I was so sure the farthest we could ever be was to be good friends.”
“…But you’re falling more for him.”
“Perhaps,” Yoona answered curtly. Seohyun’s eyes looked at her expectantly and the confessing girl felt the silent force to give more details. “He... did these things tonight that made me feel… something more.”
Yoona was surprised at how calm she actually could talk to Seohyun, while inside of her mind, thoughts were running wildly. Why did Donghae tempt her that way? How could just a glance from his eyes and a touch from his warm hand made her feel such a secretly sinful delight? Why did she ever challenge him and push his button in the first place? How could she lose composure to him that way? Wasn’t he just a good friend? A nice oppa? Women and girls could easily melt with only one line from him, but the question was how could she be part of such pattern? Jae Jeong and Sang Woo had kissed her in their dramas. Even Taecyeon was really good in sizzling her with his infamous seductions. But these sensations were nothing comparable to the mere display of Donghae’s smile and its effect to her. How on earth could she let herself react that way?
The answer was resonating in her thick mind. Yoona knew the answer. Seohyun knew the answer. Heck, even perhaps Donghae was aware of it too.
It was obvious, blatantly obvious.
“I don’t like it,” Yoona declared. She recalled again the conversation she had with Seohyun weeks prior. How could professional work meddle with her personal affair? She understood the maknae’sfeeling and suddenly had the urge to curse Project:Cupid! show.
The younger girl tilted her head and posed the question that Yoona did not know the answer.
“So… what are you going to do about it, Unnie?”
For the umpteenth time that afternoon, Yoona glanced at her wristwatch. Time could not flow faster, she knew. And she was also perfectly aware that he was not late or whatsoever. But waiting had proven to be pretty agitating at the moment.
It was Saturday afternoon and she was sitting by herself in one of the café that just opened in SNSD’s apartment. She actually wanted to go for other café options, but she realized that this one would guarantee more privacy –as this café was designed for the private use of the apartment’s residents and their guests. What she was about to do could provoke scandals, so she knew she had chosen the best place. Fans usually gathered on the main entrance of the building, and Yoona had told him a secret entry door that only residents knew.
After what seemingly hours (but actually only 20 minutes in reality), his familiar figure entered the café. A bright smile, warm eyes, and a friendly wave were all Donghae needed to do to make Yoona felt like she needed a respiration device.
You’re an actress, she reprimanded herself. Act like one!
“Hi, Oppa!”
His smile got wider. “Hi, Yoona-sshi! How long you’ve been waiting?”
She glanced at her wristwatch. “Around 30 minutes. But don’t worry, you come just in time. Sorry for asking you to come here.”
“No problem. The boys have no schedule anyway. And it’s good that we get to bond up like this once in a while.”
The two youths chatted casually for a few more minutes before Donghae finally called for the waiter to place an order. The menu book was already put on each table and Donghae did not need a long time to pinpoint his order. “I’ll have milk tea, please. What about you, Yoona?”
The girl waved at the waiter. “No, I’m not ordering. Thank you, though.”
The waiter nodded and walked away while Donghae eyed her in curiosity. “Why aren’t you ordering something?”
She smiled slowly. “Because I’ll be leaving.”
“Leaving?” he asked in disbelief. “B-but I’ve just arrived. And I’ve just ordered my drink…”
“You’ll stay here,” she said in a final tone.
Puzzlement was clear on his eyes. “Huh?”
The long haired girl took a deep sigh before she leaned her body forward and spoke, “I have also invited Jessica Unnie. She’ll come downstairs soon if she doesn’t oversleep.”
His eyes went wide and his lips were parted open. ”What?”
His surprise was something she had already expected. Calmly, she responded, “First of all, I’m sorry to meddle into your business like this. But I honestly think that you two deserve a second chance. You’ve never really had a talk with Jessica Unnie, just the two of you, after your break-up, right?”
“Well…no, but that’s not the point here,” he argued. “You can’t do this to me, Yoona.”
“You need this, Oppa. And perhaps… Jessica Unnietoo.”
“My relationship with Jessica has ended years ago. Do you think that if it could be mended I wouldn’t do it?” Donghae asked rhetorically. “I want to. But things don’t always work out the way we want to, Yoona. I’ve given up years ago.”
“You never really tried, Oppa.”
His glance back at her was one of pure disbelief. He cared about Yoona a lot, he truly did. But he also could not believe her to say that. Him not trying? Then what would someone call his years of agony, his secret longing gazes he had directed to Jessica? He tried really hard, too hard.
Something inside his heart snapped and he retorted. “No. You don’t have the right to say I never try. Because I tried, okay? I tried to forget her, I tried to move on. Do you thing those ever worked?” His tone rose. He knew he would hate himself afterwards, because he never let himself used that kind of tone to a girl, moreover to her.
Guilt came as swift as his anger. Yoona said nothing, but there was clearly surprise and pained expression on her pretty face. Donghae took a deep sigh, trying to calm himself. “I’m sorry. I…shouldn’t have spoken to you that way,” he said as taking her hand on the table. “Forgive me?” he pleaded. However, before she could reply his words, he added, regretfully, “But… can you just cancel all of these?”
There were many emotions shown in her eyes, and Donghae concluded that for the rarest time, Yoona could be transparent if she just let herself. He sensed guilt, persistence, pain, and confusion all swirled up on her light brown-colored eyes. “Oppa… I’m so sorry. But I still think you two deserve this. Need this…”
He was stunned and his hand slowly let go of her small hand. He tried to beg with his eyes, but in the end, Donghae realized that Yoona could be very, very stubborn. And he simply had the tendency to succumb. “Fine. I’ll… talk to her. But tell me one thing. Why? Why are you doing this?”
She had told him the reason: that she just honestly wanted them to fix things up. That plan had been in her mind ever since she talked to Jessica a couple of days prior about why she had not gotten herself a date. There had been one conclusion that Yoona could draw: while Donghae could not move on, Jessica was just afraid to move on. Truth to be told, Yoona did not know about Jessica’s real feelings, but there was still a chance… that what once had been broken could be mended again.
But she knew she had not spoken all the truth. That there was another motive on why she was so keen on patching things up between Donghae and Jessica. It was after Donghae tried to seduce her on Krystal’s birthday party, that she felt something in her change, that she felt… this was the right moment to defend herself.
She was a selfish person, she knew that.
Yoona braced herself to stare at Donghae again (it felt bitter to see him look at her with that kind of betrayed expression. She never intended to hurt him). “Because I honestly want you two to fix things up…” she replied.
His gaze never left her. “…That’s not all, right?”
Of all moments, why was Donghae’s sensitive sense troubling her now? Yoona desperately glanced at the ceiling, foolishly demanding any help to come. She really did not want to say her second reason…
“Yoona.” His tone was calm; his voice was still as boyish as ever. But gone was the playful sense in it. What was there was only authority.
She shook her head. “I can’t…”
“You can’t tell me why?” he took a deep breath, trying a different strategy to make her speak. “If you want me to go through one of the hardest phase in my life, I have the rightto know the reason why, don’t I?”
She bit her tongue, contemplating. But the voice in her head was telling her that he was right. Donghae hadthe right to know. Donghae had every right to know the ugly, egoistical side inside of her. That was the only way she could set him justice.
Looking down to her lap, she finally revealed, “Because… I’m afraid…”
Worry quickly seeped into his mind and he impulsively grabbed her hand again. “Afraid of what?” His voice came barely in a whisper.
Yoona tilted her head up again and Donghae could see that her lips quivered and there was something glistening on her eyes. She was not crying, but she could be, soon.
“I’m afraid of my feelings, okay?” she squeaked the truth. “I’m very afraid because I think I’m falling more and more for you.”
Donghae’s eyes widened. Yes, he had heard lots of confession –he even had heard Yoona admitting to have a playful crush on him. But this was different. This was Yoona. And Yoona was falling for him? Even when in his wildest dream, he often imagined that, he never truly let himself to believe this could be a reality.
Her words continued to pour in. “A-and I perfectly know that this cannot happen. That my feeling for you is something I should not feel…” She paused to take a deep breath. She would not cry, she would not cry. The mantra was chanted strongly on her mind, until when she nearly suffocated from her own heartache, she would still face him strongly. “T-that’s why, I told myself to stop this all before it gets even more serious. And I know I will give up my feeling if you get back together with Jessica Unnie. That’s why, Oppa. Because I’m a coward…”
Silence came between the two. Yoona gazed up to the ceiling again, a reflexive motion she did to stop the tears from falling. Dumbfounded, Donghae just did not know what to do. Partly, it was because he also needed time to put back the order inside his brain that had just been swapped by Yoona’s confession.
After another minute passed by, Yoona finally looked at him again. Composure was back on her feature and she gave him her usual smile. “So… can you please do it? Just try, at least?”
He stared at her for a long, long time. He did not know whether Yoona was truly the most selfish person or the most altruistic one. Dealing with his broken heart again with Jessica would be a very, very, hard task for him, but –
“Please, Oppa?” Her eyes were desperate. “For me?”
– He gave in.
“…Fine.”
Her smile looked genuine and sad at the same moment. “Thank you.”
No words were exchanged afterwards. Both were busy with their own thoughts. It was not until the blond-haired figure entered the café that Yoona’s cheerful mask was put up again. Jessica looked honestly startled to find Donghae there; and the American-born girl was even more surprised when Yoona told her that she would leave.
However, unlike Donghae, Jessica seemed to catch Yoona’s plan faster. The second oldest SNSD member sighed. If it was not for her cute dongsaeng, she would not do this.
“Have fun, Unnie!” Yoona said as she gave Jessica a peck on the cheek. The younger girl spared no glance to Donghae, but she could tell that the guy’s eyes were keep on staring at her, even as she exited the café and rushed back to her room upstairs.
To be Continued
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