It’s the 28^th day of the month which means the first month of the year is soon ending but the coldness of the winter doesn't subside. The coldness of the falling snow seeps into his sweater but he doesn’t budge as he continues to stare at a distant place. The snow is blowing in his room through the window where he is perched at but he was too preoccupied with his thoughts to notice. Baekhyun always likes it when it snows. He likes playing with the snow, watching the white fluffy condensations falling onto the ground in silence. But today he feels particularly nostalgic and he couldn’t explain the uneasiness he is feeling deep inside. His chest is tightening and somehow, it feels like something bad is going to happen. Or has happened. He feels sad, so sad that he had to clench his chest as tears start to flow down his cheeks.

But what could it be? What could he be sad about?

Baekhyun doesn’t know, yet the tears flowing down his cheeks never seem to want to stop. So he closes his eyes, inhales the cold breeze, and tries to collect himself, laughing at himself for being pathetic and crying over nothing.

The doorbell ringing pulls him out of his reverie and he turns his head towards the sound as if he can see through the wall and to his front door.

He wonders who could be visiting him at this moment when there’s a blizzard beginning to start outside. In a slow pace, while still contemplating who it could be, he makes his way outside his room and towards the main door of his apartment.

*

“Kai.”, he speaks softly as he looks up at the man wrapped in a thick black coat.

He doesn’t expect Kai, of all people, to be visiting him in weather like this. Whatever it is, it must have been urgent and important. Kai does not really talk to him a lot ever since they got in different sections in class. Kai only talks to him nowadays when he needs him. This day must be one of those days.

But there’s one thing different between those days he would usually ask for favor and this day. Kai’s face looks crestfallen although there’s a soft smile on his face... a smile that looks sad. 

The man continued being silent so Baekhyun decides to speak again.

“How may I help you?”

Kai doesn’t speak again. Instead, he visibly shivers and that’s when Baekhyun realizes he is being rude for not inviting an old friend inside the warmth of his home.

“Oh I’m sorry. Please come in. It’s cold outside, let’s talk inside. I’ll make you a coffee.”

He steps aside, opening the door wider for his old friend to step in. His brows creased when Kai slowly lifts a foot, as if hesitating, and plants it back down on the door rug.

“No, actually. I’m in a hurry. Kyungsoo is back in the car and he feels sick.”

“Oh”, was all Baekhyun could say as he tried to look behind Kai. “Will he be okay?”

Kai smiles at him again. That sad smile again.

“He will be...so I uh... came here to give you this.”

Kai stretches his hands towards Baekhyun with something wrapped in red cloth.

Baekhyun slowly takes what is being handed to him.

Baekhyun didn’t even have the time to check what it is that is wrapped in the red cloth that Kai handed to him when the latter envelopes him in a warm hug and speaks softly before walking away.

“Thank you so much for everything. I’m sorry. Bye.”

Baekhyun was left puzzled. He thinks Kai was being weird but then Kai has always been weird especially since he is friends with a weirder person. But this... this is an unusual kind of weird-weird.

It makes him feel uneasy.

Baekhyun watches from afar as Kai turns around to show him that sad smile again before disappearing from his sight. And after a few seconds of still staring at the direction Kai disappeared to, Baekhyun steps back and closes the door.

He doesn’t realize he is freezing until he has closed the door and stepped inside his living room, and then sitting on his cotton cushioned sofa.

He stares at the red notebook. It looks familiar. Is it a notebook he owned that Kai forgot to return? He runs the palm of his hand on the surface of the notebook. It has a rough texture as if the cover is made slightly of sandpaper. But of course it isn’t because that would be stupid, Baekhyun thought. Still puzzled, he flips the notebook open and there, written in bold cursive, are the words that make him laugh.

“My College Life Memoir”, Baekhyun reads aloud as if he has an audience. He snorts right after that and breaks into a goofy smile.

This is the notebook that first year students in their university receive on their school orientation before they start the classes. It’s the idea of the guidance counselor’s office. They said it would help the students express themselves more—especially if they feel left out and new in their college life. It was three years ago when Baekhyun received his own red notebook. He never really tried to write anything on it because he doesn’t think there were events in his first year of university life that was worth remembering and writing down on his ‘red notebook’. He already forgot about its existence and only now, when Kai presented it to him, does he remembers about it. He doesn’t understand how Kai got his red notebook but he doesn’t question that. It was useless to him from the very beginning anyway.

He flips it again to the next page. There wasn’t any name written on it. No identification for him to know who really owns the notebook. But the handwriting—the very familiar handwriting and that one word written on it makes Baekhyun’s heart skip a beat and he knew right there and then that the red notebook isn’t his.

Baekhyun stares at the words written on the page for about a minute—or maybe even more than that. He then breaks into a hearty laugh, eyes forming into little crescents and cheeks turning into a tint of pink.

It’s been so long since the last time he saw this handwriting.

“Does he really have to write like this…” he says again as he traces his hand over the swollen paper because of the pressure applied by the person who owns the notebook. The word ‘bacon’ was written on the paper in capital letters.

Chanyeol likes writing in capital letters because he believes his penmanship looks ugly in small letters. No matter how many times Baekhyun tries to convince him how much he thinks his penmanship in small letters looks just fine, the latter still confuses to write as normal as everyone does.

Chanyeol likes being different.

He wonders why Kai handed him the notebook owned by his best friend. Maybe Kai wanted him to hand it to Chanyeol? But Kai sees Chanyeol more often than he does now.

Baekhyun dismisses the thought as he reaches out for his phone on the coffee table to text Chanyeol about the notebook. That’s when something falls off the leather notebook he is holding. Momentarily forgetting about his phone, Baekhyun bends down to pick up the piece of cut-out paper. Holding the white glossy paper that was obviously cut from a magazine, he wonders again why his giant friend would have a magazine paper cut into a shape of a bacon. He flips the paper to the other side and that’s when he sees it. A photo of him glued to a photo of bacon that he obviously cut from magazine with a caption ‘The most perfect Bacon to annoy”.

He laughs. He laughs because he always gets annoyed by this when the giant friend of his teases him and because the memories of them teasing each other are beautiful memories that will always keep him laughing.

He flips the notebook open in its middle part to place back the piece of paper and was about to close it when he notices something. His name was written on the notebook in bold and capital letters, as if the one who wrote it kept on writing the name again and again.

Curiosity kills the cat and before he knows it, his hands have already reached for the notebook and he starts reading maybe he shouldn’t have.

Or maybe he should.

Because the words he saw and everything that was written on the notebook made him feel different emotions he didn’t know he can feel over a badly-written journal. Some parts made him tear down while others made him smile stupidly to himself. Tears continue to sprawl down his eyes as he flips one page to another, hands continuously wiping the tears away and trying hard to still keep on reading against his blurred vision.

At the very last page of the notebook is a page where “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE BYUN BAEKHYUN. I love you. Always." is written in an ugly handwriting. It’s as if the person who wrote it was trembling. But then this is Park Chanyeol. And Park Chanyeol is always lazy at doing things—even writing. Baekhyun finds himself smiling from ear to ear as he stares at the smiley right after the confession. His face feels warm but it's okay. It's okay to admit his feelings to himself once in a while.

A silver bracelet falling down to his rag when he picks up the notebook doesn't go unnoticed.

Chanyeol is still very stupid.

He hugs the notebook tightly to his chest as if his life depended on it, cheeks flushed, eyes close tight and dried tears still lined his cheeks.

He smiles to himself.

At the end of the day, he has made a decision.

“Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll tell him."

The message from Tao gets ignored again.For the whole day.

Oct. 21,2013

I went out to study with my Baekon until 1am.

Studying stresses people and it makes you look ugly when stressed. That's why I don't study. I wonder why Baekon still looks so damn good while studying.

>< 

He is so cute when he is so concentrated with studying. His tongue darts out to the side of his mouth.

ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Time check: 12:26PM

BYUN BAEKHYUN PROMISED TO TREAT ME OUT IF HE PASSES IN THIS SUBJECT. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A DATE!!!! DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET HIM PASS.

PLS PLSPLSPLSPLS PLSSSSS

-

Nov. 15, 2013

I didn't pass ;(

I won't see him every day now.

But he passed

So we're still gonna have a date.

hihihihihihi XDDD

-

Nov. 22, 2013

I went to my Baekon's classroom to surprise him.

He has a new hairstyle.

He still look so damn good <3333

He blushed.

I saw.

He screamed at me.

He said he would skin me alive and roll me on sandpaper.

Awwww how cute :3

p.s. he keeps changing back my contact name in his phone to Park Chanyeol with that mean ‘tss =____=+”

why does he do that? why’s he so mean to me???  Even if I find him cute when he gets annoyed, he still shouldn’t be mean on purpose, right? Right, right… I’m very right :’<

-

Dec. 7,2013

He’s right.

Drinking won’t make me forget about things.

He’s still who I’m thinking of.

Stupid stupidstupidstupid

I wish you’re by my side right now and drag me out of here

Yeah, that would be cool and sweet

hehe

I’m drunk

….

I don’t like the bartender

his dimples are too deep wtf

-

Dec. 20, 2013

But you promised me

we’re supposed to have a date

how could you forget :(((((((

-

Dec. 28, 2013

Kai is actually crying.

I think you and Kyungsoo planned it out.

How could both of you just leave us

-

Jan 1, 2014

I miss you.

I wish we could go see the fireworks show

They said it's beautiful.

-

Jan 27

I'm sorry I lied.

I love you.

I wish I could say that to you.

Even if you don't feel the same way.

I miss you so much.