The Popping Point

Jongin's words echo all around Taemin like a beating drum. Bum Bum Bum . . . in the silence of the room. The drum gets louder and faster. The bum bum bum . . . of blood rushing to his head. Through his veins. So fast and so loud. Bum Bum Bum . . . as his eyes dilate from the pressure . . . the pressure of trying to drown out Jongin's words. 

But it's not like falling . . . and it's not like drowning. It's like being suspended in air. No, more like . . . coming out of your body. Like you've become completely detached from your physical self.  

It's what it feels like when you've hit rock bottom. When you've come upon your black moment. Your worst fears are materialized . . . and Taemin just can't take it anymore. 

Instead of deep, heavy gasps of air, his lungs barely expand. Just tiny panting breaths pass through his open mouth, weakly making his chest rise as he's immobilized in Jongin's arms. Almost stiff . . . like he's been struck by lightning, his entire body is rigid in shock and in fear. He can't believe it. 

Again. 

Those words. Again. Like poison. 

You're the reason Taemin. You're the reason for the pain. For the tears. For the fighting. And now? Now, he's the reason Jongin's going to quit dancing? But how can this be? What did he do? Jongin was the one who asked for them to dance together in the first place! He just said yes . . . he just . . . listened. He tried to do his best. He tried to follow along. 

NO! Taemin shakes his head. This isn't it his fault. Out of everything that Taemin can mess up, destroy or lose . . . not this. Anything but this. He refuses to accept it. 

Taemin untangles himself rather harshly from Jongin arms. With two tiny fists, he pushes Jongin's chest away from him. "Why is everything my fault?!" He screams, his voice louder and more hurt than he intends.  

But the look of shock on Jongin's face is lost to Taemin, for he proceeds to openly sob, his entire body shaking from the force of his pain. His arms wrap around himself protectively and he starts to curl in. He wants to disappear. He wants to leave. He wants to be anywhere, but here, right now. He just can't take it anymore. 

"No!" Jongin roars and suddenly his hands are fighting Taemin's to unwrap them from around himself. He easily overpowers the smaller boy by taking his wrists in his both hands and pushing Taemin into the mattress. He climbs on top of him, Jongin's hands loosening their grip to hold Taemin's face instead.  

"Look at me!" Jongin shouts, his hands shaking the overwrought boy underneath him. 

Taemin shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. He can't. He can't. 

Jongin sighs loudly. "Jesus Christ, Taemin, please you have to let me finish! You're just hearing the things you want to hear. Nothing is your fault, dammit! I . . . I'm not good at talking either, ok?! So we're both ed from now on, but, just let me explain!! I'm not BLAMING you." 

Jongin collapses his weight on to the other boy, causing Taemin to open his eyes. "Please, I would never blame you for anything." Jongin whispers, his eyes swimming as they search Taemin's, practically begging the other boy to see his thoughts. "I'm THANKING you, Tae. I'm ing thanking you with everything that I have left in this twisted, wounded and broken body. I've . . . been living like a ing zombie this whole time and I just didn't want to believe that I was like her." 

Jongin thumbs away Taemin's tears as they seep out the corners of his eyes. 

"She didn't love dancing anymore and with that she lost her will to live. I thought that would happen to me. If I failed at being perfect, at being the best, at making it into the same company she did . . . It's like I was scared to not try and live out the life she gave up. It scared the ing out of me, Tae. I have no backup plan. No second option. I've had all my eggs in one basket just PRAYING that none of them crack, But when i'm with YOU-" 

Jongin's tears slip down his cheeks, off his chin and onto Taemin's face. 

"With you . . . I DON'T CARE. I don't care about any of those things. Do you understand what i'm saying?! That somehow, somewhere along the way . . . I stopped dancing for myself. And I truly do think that i've been dancing for her. I couldn't tell until I saw you dancing that day on the stage, the lights all around you. The music being played out with your body, your mind, your heart and soul. It made me feel something that I hadn't felt in years. It made me realize what I had been missing. Tae . . . you made me see that I had fallen out of love with dancing. And ever since then, the more I was with you . . . the more I broke . . . the more I started to see it." 

Taemin's lips tremble. "But Jongin, I just- 

Jongin shakes his head. "I'm telling you! The reason I knew I had lost something . . . is because I found something." 

Taemin doesn't want to believe Jongin's words at first. Wants to deny them, reject them, dismiss them. But he can't. The words aren't dead, they are very much alive. So he cries. He lets out his tears as does Jongin. And they cry together. For their broken dreams, for their uncertainties, fears and losses. But they also cry . . . because in the midst of all this, they have found each other. Both strong, yet broken.  

"I . . . just want you to be happy, Jongin." 

"Oh, baby, I'm happy. I'm so happy. You can't believe how it feels to finally say this out loud. To finally feel the weight come off. I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I can fly. I feel like I can just stop everything and it will all be ok. That it is ok. That I don't need to do anything." 

"But . . . will you really not dance ever again?" 

Jongin softens, his eyes warm and open. "Of course i'll still dance. I just don't want to dance like this. I want to dance because I want to, not because I have to. Right?" 

Taemin presses his lips together and nods. He feels so happy for Jongin. That he's finally come to terms with his demons.  

And they lie there for awhile, with Jongin on top of Taemin. The larger boy's body practically sinking the smaller's into the mattress as the silence presses on. A contemplative silence. 

"What are you thinking about?" Jongin murmurs, his voice low and smooth next to Taemin's ear. 

Taemin shakes his h