It's You

There is only one thing that makes everything else stop. 

Anger, fear, sadness . . . we simply forget every question, every thought, every premeditated action because once someone's dead.  

They're dead. 

They'll never come back. They'll never exist in this reality, ever again. 

So every question Taemin was going ask Jongin; every idea he wanted to say out loud, every mis-step he wanted to correct, every secret he wanted to reveal.  

Everything up until this moment-- has just been put on pause, possibly waiting to be erased completely. 

And there's a lot of things you could say about death. You could try and describe it in beautiful words or carve out something meaningful about the loss of life --as if there's a purpose for it-- like it's supposed to hold a deeper meaning than the emptiness that it leaves in its wake.  

But in reality we all know that's bull. Or at least, that's our first inclination. We deny, we reject and we dismiss.  

Taemin's never dealt with death. Sure, the occasional great aunt or distant cousin had passed away, but no one he felt anything for. No one he had any sort of connection to. So to try and even remotely understand the death of a sibling was, in all honesty, boggling his mind. It's just not something he could wrap his head around. For Taemin, Taesun had been everything to him his whole life --is everything to him-- even to this day, and the thought of losing him, the thought of only looking back at their shared memories because you had nothing else, had Taemin shaking his head and his eyes going blank. He can't even begin to conceive the idea. And it's not just Taesun, but everyone that he feels close to; his mother, Kibum, Jonghyun, Minho . . . and of course, Jongin. 

But that thought just further plagues Taemin. What has he done? No, better yet . . . what is he doing?!  

He's hiding, he's evading, and he's not facing the problem head on. Because that's what he's been doing his whole life. If it's too hard or too heavy . . . Taemin doesn't touch it. 

And that's honestly how Taemin thought it would remain. But that was before. That was before he met Jongin; the beautifully talented dancer, with a heart full of such passion and drive. From the very first meeting, the other boy had Taemin doing things he'd never done before. Had him taking chances. Had him changing his mind. And had him dreaming . . . for a change.  

 But this moment. This moment right now isn't really about Lee Taemin, is it?  

Taemin shakes his head. He's just so used to being weak. So used to needing other people to pick him back up, to bring him back from the dark places he easily falls into. That's always been his role. 

But what about Jongin? Who's picking him up? Who's there for him, right now, when he needs them the most? 

No one. Taemin thinks in horror. 

And that's the driving force that allows Taemin to get up from the bathroom floor. That's what propels him forward on shaky legs back to the door leading to Jongin's room. He doesn't know what he's going to do or say as he stands in front of the closed bedroom door. He can't really think of anything as his eyes dart to and fro and he worries his bottom lip, but on an intake of breath, he steps out on to that ledge again. Because he has to; he can't see any other direction. Taemin wets his marred lips and reaches for the door knob. 

But as Taemin's hands slip around the cold metal knob, it turns on its own. The door opens and Jongin's standing right in front of him.  

Standing there with a face so sad and eyes so heavy with tears. He looks shattered and scared . . .the face of a boy Taemin doesn't know. A face he's refused to believe could exist. And his brain goes blank because he doesn't know how to face this Jongin. 

A Jongin that isn't strong. 

Taemin shakes his head, his words starting and restarting in his mind. But do you know how hard it is to say the right thing at the right moment? 

Damn near impossible. 

And maybe Jongin can sense it, maybe he takes pity on the poor boy, for he grabs Taemin by the wrist and brings him forward into the room, closing the door softly behind them. 

For a moment, it almost seems a bit claustrophobic to Taemin. The closing of the door, the presence of just him and Jongin, surrounded by four walls. Somehow it feels like a cage, one that they can't escape from.  

Taemin feels his chest rising and falling, his heartbeat racing, his palms starting to sweat. This is his anxiety kicked into to full gear. 

"I'm sorry." Taemin says quickly, blinking rapidly. 

"I'm so sorry, Jongin." He says again, quicker this time. Like he can't wait to get the words off his tongue. Like it'll erase everything. Like it'll make things better. Taemin his lips again nervously, knowing his thoughts are stupid. "I-"  

Jongin shakes his head roughly, making Taemin's mouth close. The sullen dancer runs heavy hands down his tear-streaked face. God, what a mess. Jongin sighs heavily before dropping his hands to his sides and giving Taemin a sad smile. "You must think I've completely lost it." 

But Taemin's shaking his head before Jongin even finishes his statement. "No! No, of course not!" He reassures rather forcefully, his hands fluttering forward gently. "It was my fault, after all." 

Jongin feels like he wants to crack his neck from the pressure inside of him. He still can't understand how it got to this point. So quickly. He drops his gaze from Taemin and moves with heavy steps to sit on the edge of his bed. 

Taemin doesn't move from his spot by the door, his body rigid with tension and his fingers itching to scratch his skin. He still feels the overwhelming need to fix the situation. To right his wrong. Because even if Jongin holds no ill feelings, Taemin can't un-judge himself.  

"Um . . .I " Taemin starts, his eyes wide, his whole body shaking. He feels like he's just got to get these words out.  

"I-I just want you know." He pauses and his lips again. 

"I'm not really good at . . . talking. I'm not . . . very good at being someone's friend. And I generally at a lot of things. So . . . I can totally understand if you-" Taemin squeezes his eyes shut, mentally berating himself for stammering and fumbling like a bumbling idiot. "But, I- I really am sorry Jongin . . I didn't-" 

Jongin looks at Taemin with red eyes and a body beyond exhaustion, but his feelings are clearer than ever. "Taemin, stop. I'm not upset about the slippers. Just . .  come here." He says, his voice deep and reassuring. 

It takes a second longer than it should for Taemin to hear Jongin's words, and then another few for him to let out a strangely relieved breath. He nods and moves quickly to join Jongin on the be