cy·no·sure

A person or thing that is the center of attention or admiration.

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No child of seven should ever have to wake up and discover that their sister is dead. So why had that hapless child been me?

I was traumatized from that point after.

I can’t recall how long it took for them to calm me down, because Min Tae was only having a mild fever. Unless it skyrocketed during the night or something, I shouldn’t be waking up next to a lifeless body; a corpse. And what had been worse was the fact that as identical twins, we frequently mirrored each other in everything. With her absence, I had inadvertently lost my partner; my role model. No — that was not the precise truth. The truth was that I felt absolutely dreadful. Since Min Tae looked like me, and I looked like her, her death made me feel as if it was mine as well.

And what could be more horrible than watching yourself die?

Being a mere seven year old, details like her funeral was gruesome. I was not capable of understanding such pains of life except for the statement that she was gone forever. I must have gone under much anxiety, for I had not noticed something until it was too late. Wait; to be frank, it was a someone.

I remember how they had introduced the young girl in front of me. At first I assumed her to be another playmate, another try that would end up as another failure, but the words my parents had spoken paralysed me to the ground abnormally. “Min Jae, meet your new sister,” my mother had explained with that sweet smile of hers. “She is Kyung Mi. I know that you two will get along well.” I was horrified at the revelation of that prospect, surely I would not deny. As a child, I was aware that my parents were worried for my well-being, but this? What did I want to do with this kid called Kyung Mi? I only wanted my twin sister that had met her demise far too early. I lost myself during that process.

I recalled greeting the girl with borderline impertinence, obviously displeased with this arrangement. However, against all odds, she had given me a smile. “Let’s be good friends and sisters, okay?” laughed Kyung Mi happily. I definitely stared hard at her. How could she not see that I do not want her to be part of my family? It was dumb, in my opinion back then, that she was able to wear such a gleeful expression. Admittedly, I was very bitter and cold towards this innocent child that was to be my younger sister.

Days passed, and each proved to bring its individual challenges. Unfortunately, Kyung Mi was actually a very likeable child, and it was difficult to continue the sullen act. Now I know that I was only being mean and unfair in the past because I feared that I would involuntarily replace Min Tae with Kyung Mi in my life. It would seem as though my parents already did by adopting her. The possibility was unbearable. It wasn’t helping either that my younger sister was adorable without realizing it herself. “Jae!” called my younger sister with much anticipation. “Look, look!” With as much boredom as I could have mustered, I glanced in her direction. I found it to be a sunset butterfly.

I only thought so because it had the colours of the aforementioned phenomenon. It was remarkable. I couldn’t help but to silently praise her taste. “Can Min Min please catch the butterfly for me?” requested Kyung Mi unblinkingly. “I want to paint a picture of it because it’s so pretty…” I remembered sighing, but because of my duty to my sister, I pretended to make an effort with a plastic bag as a substitute for a butterfly net. Pathetic, I know. Yet it was what I did. Obviously, I failed in my given task. Nonetheless, Kyung Mi had reassured me that even though I did not succeed — well, not that I actually tried my best to accomplish this — she had already memorized the way the colours adorned the said insect. And for the first time in my life, I watched her paint it out with a simple brush accompanied with a piece of stiff paper. I would be a liar if I didn’t call that piece beautiful.

But two months passed, and I was more sickened than ever. Phrases like, “Do you want more watermelon, Jae?” and “Min Min, what should we play?” were beginning to annoy me very badly. I didn’t want to take care of Kyung Mi all day at all! I didn’t ask for this, and in spite of her endearing self, I would not allow myself to love her as a sister would. It was a cost too heavy. So the one day we were in our backyard, her usual inquisitive comment got the better of me. “Jae!” mentioned Kyung Mi. “Look at that blue bird over the—”

I must admit my crime now. Shamelessly, I had turned around and slapped her face with a force driven by exasperation. “Just so you know, I’m tired of you,” were the words I had spoken. “So quit bugging me.” Promptly, I turned back, almost happy that I was able to express my feelings. However, when there was a lack of crying or complaint, it was worry that disturbed my heart. That day, I thought Kyung Mi was going to die. Due to my angered action, she had unfortunately hit her head on a rock when she fell. There was so much blood that I only remembered yelling and nothing else, that is, until the hospital scenario.

She stayed there for a few days, and the doctors said that she was alright. And I was reasonable fine with that fact. I thought the worst was over — but it looks like I was destined to spend a lifetime regretting my childish action. Kyung Mi had come home from kindergarten and asked our parents as to why she could only see in black and white. Although it might not have shown on my face, I knew how irrevocably afraid I was. The doctors confirmed it be a genetic condition, a state that has been triggered after her fall on the rock. Achromatopsia was an incurable condition with the current technology. I saw the way Kyung Mi’s eyes widened at that, squinting afterwards due to her newly discovered sensitivity to light. For the first time, my heart had broken for her. Because of my one fault, because of my selfishness, I robbed my adopted sister of her painting dreams. How was she going to paint ever again like that depiction of a sunset butterfly?

The doctors, having misunderstood her reaction, asked her instead as to how she fell so badly. Smiling in that callow style of hers, she answered rather cheerfully. “Mmh, I fell in the backyard,” responded my six year old sister brightly. “It was careless of me to do so.” Blinkingly, she turned to look at me. “Isn’t that right, Min Jae?” clarified Kyung Mi honestly. It was right then and there I was burdened with this irreversible guilt. Ever since the accident, I’ve never heard her calling me nicknames anymore. I haven’t realized how much I missed them, even. Every night, I’d find myself creeping to her room to apologize, but my attempts were futile. Those words could never articulate. My younger sister then had to wear specialized glasses, tinted ones so that her eyes wouldn’t hurt during daylight. As my efforts became harder to accomplish, a part of me resigned to staying away from my sister for the rest of my life.

As I grew up, enclosed in this inevitable cycle of being unable to forgive myself, I began to look for acceptance and love somewhere else. It was stupid doing so, and that is something I’m aware of now. When I got to the age of fifteen, I began dating guys because I craved for such qualities. Most were the male students in my school, but just one or two were older than me. It might be haughty and vain to say this, but it’s something that I cannot deny. Albeit my simple purpose was to find security, my respective partners had different ideas. They only wanted me for my looks, for my academic marks, for things I no longer wished to elucidate. Those were really dark times, and I would wish I could leave all of it behind, if not for someone I came to know. I must have been eighteen by this time, when I was getting slapped by a current boyfriend who wanted to dump me when I wouldn’t acquiesce to his demands.

“Stop.” That was a voice that felt semi-familiar to me, and I didn’t understand why it was so. Surely it was not any of my old flames? All of my previous ones ended on a bad note, and they all dumped me for various reasons. I felt like I was the problem, and I sincerely believed that I was the only one who cared for each and every one of them. Glancing in the general direction of that voice, I was surely surprised when I saw my sister’s best friend, Gongchan Shik. I’ve seen him many times at my place, but we’ve never actually spoken more than exchanging courteous greetings. Now, it looked like he was trying to save me? With a scowl, my abusive ex-boyfriend left the scene, which subsequently led to my serious expression of gratitude. “You know, your sister Kyung Mi knows of these relationships,” mentioned Gongchan briefly. At that, I felt accused.

I know I spat my answer at him like a hurt animal would when someone drew nigh to them. “And you expect me to a perfect older sister like everyone else around me?” I had responded resentfully. When his eyes dilated, I felt sorry because it wasn’t right for me to just respond like that. Even so, he appeared to have taken that comment into consideration. “No…” tried Gongchan again, altering his mild approach. “I meant that Kyung Mi’s actually worried for you because she has heard of some of your relationships. She just doesn’t think she can ask you about it even though she cares. Apparently, your mother doesn’t even know of these relationships you’re having…?” I must confess that I narrowed my eyes at him after those words. “And you think you are able enough to question me of these things?” I had retorted slightly. Then a kind smile was seen on his countenance. “Do I not earn this right by having saved you of a bad beating?” nearly taunted the male, and I had to admit that he was right. So he did.

Having accustomed to studying after school hours, I remembered doing so even after that day. I went to the library, secretly agitated by students who were gossiping about my latest breakup status. I wanted to yell at them, tell them that it’s none of their business and they should just bother with their own lives when I decided not to. Rumours should just remain as rumours, and protesting or reacting might make my situation worse. Besides, I was lucky that some didn’t believe those gossips, apparently because I was good-looking and smart. It is not my choice to persuade the non-existent crowd of my abilities, but it was said to be. As I sat in my usual spot in a secluded room — mostly because I didn’t want to be in the same place as those meddling people — it surprised me to hear a knock. Apprehensive, I allowed the stranger to enter.

The student revealed himself to be Gongchan Shik. A small smile was formed by his mouth when he saw me. I was taken aback. Had this silly male gotten lost or something? Why would he be smiling at one like me? “Er… Hello?” I greeted awkwardly. “I don’t suppose you have forgotten, but I’m pretty sure that you’d be walking Kyung Mi home today as well, right?” I did not entertain the notion of Kyung Mi being alone professionally. Perhaps having seen my anxious expression, he took the chance to chuckle. “Ah,” he had responded quietly. “That is undeniably true, but her class is being held back until every single person finishes up on their class work today. I must say that my best friend is great in her work, and so she is done, but there a few more to wait for.” With crinkles in his eyes, he continued after a pause. “I’d get her in a bit, and so you don’t need to worry about me messing up your study schedule,” nodded Gongchan thoughtfully.

I must have smiled then, due to his sincere actions. “I just wanted to drop by and ask you if you’re alright,” admitted Gongchan seriously. “Rumours aren’t exactly the best things to go by, really, so I figured I should ask the real person involved.” I assured him rather blankly that I was fine, mostly due to the fact that I had not expected him to ask of such a subject, and being satisfied, he did leave. I felt that at least, my adopted sister had found a good friend. It was enviable. The year I turned eighteen eventually passed, and the new year brought new challenges. Not only we were to take difficult exams, but we had to decide what profession we intended to pursue when we grew up. Being slightly pedantic, I had opted to be an accountant. There was not too much to figure out about numbers compared to people, in my opinion. It is probable that some would think it to be a dry job, but not me. I, for one, cherished it for its routine.

I was undeniably surprised that after the August break this year, I got a new study mate alongside me. “Hey, do you mind if I studied with you?” asked Gongchan with a grin. I stared, I know I really did. I remembered telling Kyung Mi that Gongchan wasn’t taking the whole examination thing wholeheartedly at all, since he allowed himself to go out shopping and watch black-and-white films with her. Yet here he was, explaining that until the day exams were officially over, he was to stay back at the school library for long hours to revise his subjects. I thought of my sister, of how she really adored the short moments she shared with her best friend on their walk to school and back. Does he know what he had just done? Probably not — guys were so dense sometimes. I agreed to his request rather nonchalantly, certain that he would do his own respective task well. If he did not, and made a ruckus, I would just kick him out of this room, really. Nonetheless, the fact that I was no longer alone made me feel happy.

“Say, what’s your dream?” I mentioned once during our copious hours of studying. I was reminded of Kyung Mi’s one day, and it made me feel like hearing his own ambition. I still remember the way his eyes lit up with adoring determination. “I’m going to be a doctor for Kyung Mi,” he declared rather proudly. “I know that there isn’t a treatment for achromatopsia right now, but when I become a doctor, I will find it. Then she’ll be able to become the artist she always wanted to be…” That kind of wistful expression made me recall that time I saw him with Kyung Mi, up in that dark attic, because my mother told me to call them for dinner. I called for them rather grumbly, but I know for sure that his face was smudged with some green paint when he climbed down the rope ladder. Yet it was the last thing he minded. That kind of inner and selfless strength really made me feel that my sister had the best person she could ever have in her life. I was in danger of being covetous.

So it came as a massive shock when he clearly told me something in that secluded library room. I was undergoing one of my secret and embarrassing breakdowns, perhaps wallowing in self-pity for my own faults and wrongdoings. I spoke of how I dearly loved people so much more than I ever intended to, and how I got treated brutally for it. That kind of perception was shallow for a nineteen year old, I know, but it was what I have come to notice. Then he spoke in that soft voice of his, yet the message remaining evident in that air. “Then go out with me, Min Jae,” said Gongchan. I was astonished. I turned around to face him, waiting for him to admit that it was a poor joke of his. However, the seriousness was comparable to the time in which he expressed his ambition, and I knew for a fact that I was caught in a very bad situation. Gongchan Shik was Han Kyung Mi’s best friend, and I have a gut feeling that she has a crush on him, but if my reasoning isn’t wrong — it would mean that he has a romantic interest in me. My throat felt parched. I was at a loss for words. Surely I was not supposed to just take my sister’s best friend away no matter how admirable he was, right? It was outrageous.

His eyes still watched me carefully. “Look, there’s no need to decide now,” he quietly admitted. “But I think you deserved to know this about me. We’ll… take it slow, and you can take as much time as you want to answer to me.” With that, he turned away from me, and I didn’t know if it was the lighting or the possibility that he was actually reddening. I was stuck in the midst of inquietude. A part of me was so horribly tempted to say yes right away, after every horrid experience I had, but I would not. I didn’t want another rash action to affect my people again, especially not Kyung Mi. For goodness sake, not of things concerning my adopted sister again. I was going to pay a lifetime worth of guilt for this earth-shattering secret. But I think I was starting to fall without realizing it, because I began calling him out for outings, for basketball matches that were held at night and all. Why, he even hurt himself that one time, and I felt horrible afterwards, because I was insensitive enough to forget it was Kyung Mi’s birthday that day as well. I remembered the way her voice quivered when she caught me calling his cellphone, but I had to keep up the act.

I had to while I didn’t know my own answer. I was frustrated also, that Gongchan would not tell anything to his best friend, but it was partly understandable at the same time. These feelings were obstructing what would have been a straight path. So it dragged on and on, and we all got strung into this mess. I was almost glad when Kyung Mi had confronted me in that hallway. I was about to burst already. Finally, I think my sister was also able to decipher what I meant to say about her best friend. Something about the possibilities of me and him in the romantic angle. Perhaps at last, I would be able to come clean and tell Gongchan my answer pertaining to his offer; his confession. And the answer would be a yes. For once, I wanted to be the one who loved less. I only hope that this decision of mine, when I make it clear to him, would not be another act that would beget more regret.