I was a mess. No, screw that. It was heaps worse. Because while hours ago I was a sobbing waste, now I was a wreck boiling in raw fury.

I had absconded all people in the chaos of the moment earlier this evening, and when my friends had joined me in the waiting area - perhaps when they'd heard of the news - I had deserted them as well.

I wasn't exactly being an elusive jerk; they were all unscathed - that was good enough for me. And besides, I still didn't fancy revealing my tears to everyone, to anyone.

But Sojin..

I bit back another tear as I gripped harder on the railings. I knew I needed to eschew the morbid scenes of tonight. I had to erase them from my memory, banish them forever.

But how could I when the aftermath is too evident to just forget? And I knew that, even years from now when tonight had faded to a mere recollection of something not so pleasant, it would have already left a mark. A scar. A grim reminder of what was and what would always be.

I heaved in deep breaths, desperate for a distraction. Anything. I was at the topmost floor of the building, but even that failed to swerve me away from my horrifying thoughts.

Sojin.

A tear escaped down my cheek as soon as her name entered my mind. I quickly scrubbed it away with the heel of my hand.

Sojin.

Another tear.

Why, Sojin?

The question echoed in my head, like a mantra, as if doing so would reveal the answer.

Why?

I tightened my grip until my knuckles turned a ghostly white.

Why?

Just then, for the hundredth time, my phone vibrated. I ignored it. I had to be alone. Sojin's state was grievous; it was a lamentation I ought to save for myself - because even the pain I was currently feeling could never compensate for whatever Sojin was going through right now.

"Luhan."

"Please leave me alone."

"I'm so sorry but -"

"Please." I squeezed my eyes shut. I barely recognized the voice of my intruder; my mind was too clouded with thoughts of Sojin.

"It's.." He sighed. My insides flared. Jongdae. "Luhan, I know I am in no position to speak to you about anything after tonight, but I just thought you should know: my brother's been arrested."

So? That didn't exactly save Sojin from her situation, did it? I wanted to feel relieved about it, to placate myself with the vengeful news, but I couldn't. I had a feeling Sojin wouldn't be pleased with me stirring up ill emotions towards others - even those who have wronged me, or her.

I had almost resigned into forgiveness but the flames - as literal as they were - flashed in my eyes like an angry reminder; that Jongdae's brother plotted the party hall's incineration and he very much succeeded. And now, Sojin was in the emergency room, her dear life hanging by a thread.

"Leave me alone," I repeated. I seemed to have developed a grave dislike for people's presence.

My phone vibrated again just as Jongdae called for my name.

Just this once I wanted so badly to satiate my rage; break something, hit anyone. I didn't care if I'd end up seriously hurt. I only imagined the liberation of having indulged my fury.

But what would that benefit me? Or rather, Sojin? Did I think she would gain from my fit?

No. Just as the arrest of tonight's culprit stood too useless for my forgiveness to entertain, so would any fit of mine prove futile - especially in Sojin's eyes.

Jongdae appealed a final time, saying, "Luhan, I'm sorry." Then I heard his footsteps fade away.

I didn't know how long I stayed in the rooftop, or what I was doing in particular, but when my second intruder arrived, it was dawn.

"Luhan." The voice was a girl's, but no identity matched it. The soft, worrisome tone sounded familiar, though. I waited. "Luhan, the doctor has just come out from the ER -"

I snapped around, surprised to see that it was Shinji and that her eyes were red and swollen. I didn't know she was at the party. Or perhaps she had come after she heard of the news. But then again, I was already out of her sight to contemplate her presence. I had dashed back inside and descended the floors of Lemon Hospital to the ICU wing.

Huddled outside the waiting room were my friends, Sojin's family and a few other faces I couldn't recognize. I suspected they were friends from Sojin's prior school because they were in Junmyeon and Minseok's company. I had no idea these many people had come; again, I had deserted the waiting room the instant my friends joined me earlier.

I stepped closer, to nobody's explicit notice, though I saw Eunjin glance at me and nod once before turning back to the doctor.

"She's all right now," he said. "Surprisingly, she suffered no burns despite having just come out of a furnace. Most of her injuries, as far as I can tell, are from the blows she sustained from debris." The doctor then narrowed his eyes. My chest drummed. "She's covered in bruises and scratches but the only serious injuries are those of her right arm and right leg." He scanned the clipboard sitting atop his forearm - pretended to scan it because I knew he already knew what he had to say and was only stalling.

I braced myself. There could only be one reason why he's stalling. It must be that bad. And then I was furious again, because I would never be able to forgive myself if Sojin were to contend with something irreparable and irreversible.

"Her right forearm is broken and her wrist, badly sprained. She might have her cast on for months."

"She's a lefty," called a voice. I didn't bother identifying who. I was fixated on the doctor, whose grim smile earlier relaxed a little. "It's always been her strong arm so it shouldn't affect her writing.."

"I was about to ask that," the doctor replied, "but thank you." He glanced down his clipboard again as he said, "Her right leg is in bad shape. She'll be in crutches for months. We'll have to check on her on a regular basis."

That wasn't the worst yet. I knew it. But he didn't have to say it anymore because I knew what could be worse than Sojin walking on crutches for months, or even longer than that.

I'd started walking away. I needed to be alone. I needed to see Sojin but as I was sure she wouldn't be accessible in the meantime, I decided on being alone. I was rounding a corner for my exit when the doctor's words reached my ears, so heart-wrenching, a tear escaped my eye before I could blink it back.

"She may never be able to walk on two feet ever again."

If I dwelt in the rooftop, it would be easy for my friends to reach me, and so I steered away from it. Instead, I trudged down staircases, dashed out the glass doors and plunged into the lively city.

But the movement and activity flourishing around did little to uplift my forlorn spirits. I tried focusing on the lights adorning the shops that lined along one side of the avenues. The signages, and their sophisticated lightings, matched the décor that spruced up each shop’s interior. They appeared to have been meticulously thought of. I turned away from gawking at them and stormed further into the busy streets, my hands balled into tight fists in each of my coat pockets.

It’s astonishing how so much life could fail to resurrect me from my grief, and hurt. Ah, but of course it couldn’t. It couldn’t. The life around me was external. I wasn’t part of it, and I had no share in its liveliness. It was all internal, my disquietude and pain. And I abandoned all attempts to assuage myself because I knew it’d only be futile. I knew that until Sojin was completely fine, my inner turmoil would hold - indefinitely.

When hours later I had finally driven my legs and feet into exhaustion, I sauntered back towards the hospital. There, by the entrance lounge, was Junmyeon, his eyes tired but quick to morph into wakefulness the moment I entered. He walked to me.

“Luhan.”

“Is Sojin awake?”

“Tonight’s incident has already been publicized, and so the IAC Committee determined to postpone the contest. Two days at most.”

I waved an arm, heading for the elevator.

“You can’t see her,” he said to the elevator’s sealing panels. My stomach churned. I'd be the least worthy person to see Sojin ever but still, who did he think he was to forbid me to see her? I shook my head off of my irritation.

I was back in the ICU wing in a flash. Most of earlier evening’s audience seemed to have left the premises, save Shinji and Baekhyun. Sojin’s family were not even around. It was strangely a relief.

Baekhyun's face was in his hands, and he didn't look up to see who had entered. Shinji only glanced up to pass me a tired smile, and ducked her head again.

It was when I walked further into her own compartment that I saw Sojin’s brother and mother pressed against the glass door, and Sojin beyond it, her eyes shut but their corners endlessly pouring tears.

Her mother said, “We have to move her. Tonight.” Her voice was a sob, and muffled beneath her face mask.

Eunjin, also in a face mask, replied, “They are already doing what they can. They weren’t expecting her to wake this early from her operation.”

“She’ll not die of her injuries, Eunjin. She’ll suffocate. You know that. Oh, good heavens.” She turned this time, landing her eyes on mine. I braced myself for her reaction. I envisioned the worst. And was disappointed.

Her mother lunged into my arms and held me