This is what got me through writing this chapter. Listen to it while you read if you can - KrisHan "When you took it all you forgot your shadow"

“SM Entertainments star solo artist Kris Wu takes China by a storm.”

“’In The Night When I Miss You’ achieves ‘all-kill’ on all music charts and has 500,000 copies of the album pre-ordered.”

“SM’s star Kris has fan girls all over the world swooning over his emotional and touching title track quite different from his previous style.”

“Critics describe his new album to have a finesse that most artists achieve in their 30’s and applaud the hard work the young artist had clearly put into improving his vocal skills.”

EunHyuk is scrolling through his Samsung tablet and picking out random comments to read out loud to Kris. A few months, or even a few weeks back Kris would have given up a lot to hear people say that his albums sell for much more than just its photobook. But right now he could care less. He is just so exhausted. Success comes with such an expensive price tag.

EunHyuk hyung looks so utterly pleased so Kris smiles back at him wanly. He sees a few cameras and phones swivel in his direction and he works hard to make his smile look bigger, look more sincere. He had barely been back from LA after K-CON and they had flown him to a fan sign. And now he is right back in the airport waiting for a flight back to Korea for the first time in three weeks. He feels like he just wants to disappear but he has a shoot for Nylon and then an appearance at Mnet and Music Core and then another shoot for Ivy Club, GQ men, Kolon sport and So cool magazine during the next 5 days. Disappearing, being invisible is a rare luxury for someone like him and even now the Changsha Huanghua International Airport is filled with a hundred odd fan girls with cameras trained on him. He lowers his cap over his face and leans a head on EunHyuk hyung’s shoulder and attempts to sleep for a while.

He is a little groggy and a lot disgruntled when the plane lands in Incheon. He had not gotten much rest on the plan due to a couple of fan girls who had followed him on-board and kept calling out to him all throughout the flight – nobody can really sleep when there are constant camera flashes going off in front of their eyes.

In his irritation and with thoughts of a million things he has to do running through his mind he forgets what it really means to arrive in Korea after a long time like this. With a new album out but no live performances or fan signs in Korea the fans have been revved up to a fanatic state. Nursed by fan cameras and fan accounts, starved by the lack of new material in their official fansites they pounce on him the minute he steps in through customs. The unexpectedness of their screams in his ear makes Kris disoriented for a second, he loses track of manager hyung and he can see nothing but a sea of long hair and winter coats and sophisticated cameras melding together in front of him.

“OPPA!”

“OPPAAAA YOU ARE BACK!”

“”Kris, look here!

“Oppa take this!”

“Kris! Kris! so handsome!”

Kris takes small step after step but it feels like he is trying to go upstream in a raging flood. It’s all a mess of hot bodies pressing against his and frantic hands trying to hold on to some part of him. A girl stumbles and falls to the ground near him and he bends down to help her up despite the many warnings EunHyuk have given him about not doing this. He ends up losing his balance in the pushy crowd and falling to his knees.

He can immediately feel fingers running along the skin on his back between his jeans and the t-shirt, exposed by his fall, and he feels his skin crawling at the touch. Another girl clutches at his arm and he feels as if he can’t breathe when he watches her sink her red nails into his forearm. There is a smile on her face and a manic gleam in her eyes and there are flashes of cameras all around him blinding him, choking him. He feels like he is seconds from snapping, his sanity crumbling around the already frayed edges. While he is pushing himself off the ground back to his feet someone pulls at him making his backpack fall to the ground and its contents are strewn beneath trampling feet.

Some girls stop trying to touch him and instantly pounce on this new treasure squabbling and knocking over each other in their haste to somehow secure something of Kris for themselves. He feels helpless as he watches one girl snatch up his favorite sleeping t-shirt after dragging back another girl viciously by her hair. He watches all this feeling a little more than helpless. He doesn’t have the energy to fight back anyway.

But when he sees a hand reach out for something yellow in his backpack something snaps in him. He gives and gives and always gives. He has given away his free time, his peace of mind, his favorite kinds of sweets, his childhood photos, his smiles, his voice, his personal space and what little possessions he carries in his bags to fans. But the yellow letters, they are something more than precious to him. I didn’t even open it yet, he thinks, how can you take it away? The one thing he had for himself, the one memory of something he loves, the one memo