In The Night When I Miss You

“A little more deeper, but maybe a little softer.”

Kris stares at Luhan in confusion. He doesn’t know how to work his voice that way, softer but deeper. He is used to fast raps and words that tumble over each other to a strong beat – not soft lines that need each word enunciated carefully with so many meanings to be conveyed.

“hmm.. look …. See that last line in the first verse- Ai yu tong zai wo xin li jiu chan- you are trying to say that you are left not only with hurt but the love as well right? So it has to be soft, to show how much you hurt and deep to make people understand that love is still there, still strong. ”

Kris thinks that he would have thought the opposite. Soft to show the love and deep to show the pain. But of course, Kris thinks, of course Luhan would think this way. To Kris who has learnt to feel pain more than he feels love, pain would be the deepest. But Luhan… Luhan looks at the world through his shinny eyes not as if he has never felt pain but as if he has learnt how to love people through that very pain.

“Maybe my voice can’t handle this. Maybe Kyungsoo should have given this to Jongdae or Kyuhyun, like he wanted to at first. They have better training and better practice with songs like this. And better voices, I guess.”

He is not fishing for compliments, he really isn’t. If he wanted those he just has to type his name on Weibo or Naver and he’d see a hundred posts waxing eloquent about his perfection. But sometimes he feels like he needs something more solid to hold on to, to believe. You are special, he remembers, but he wants someone to tell that to him in soft syllables and warm lips rather than with splotches of ink. Maybe he is starting to get greedy. Love can do that to you, make you want too much.

Luhan shrugs. “It’s true, there are some voices that suit certain types of songs more. But in your case I don’t think so. You just think that rapping is all you are good at because that’s what they told you all this time, that’s what they trained you for, that’s what the fan girls go crazy for. They should have told you that you can sing ballads too, they should have told you that it’s hard only because you have to feel heartbreak first before you can sing it.”

Kris thinks that it would be futile not to be awed. “You have such a way with words.”

“Mmmm-hmmm, one of my many talents.”

“No. really. I mean it. I really mean it. I-” Kris lifts his hand intending to pat Luhan’s cheek, something he often does to Sehun or Jongin, but he ends up cupping Luhan’s face in his palm instead –startling both Luhan and himself. His skin feels soft and fragile, bleeding warmth into his hand. He can’t think straight because the mirror is reflecting the way their breath mingle together and Luhan is staring up at him with wide, wondrous eyes, a blush staining his face. Sketched alpacas, Rubik’s cubes, you are special, Shoulder twists, Floofy, coffee, mediocre, yellow, careful you are letting the gay show.

Kris takes his hand back and turns away, his palm burns at the loss. “I think I better get some sleep, I have an early schedule to get to tomorrow.” Kris throws his towel and phone haphazardly into his bag and zips it up.

“I know. I’m supposed to be there with you too.” His face is carefully blank. 

“Oh. See you tomorrow then, or later today. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Luhan doesn’t look at him and Kris lets the door scrape eerily across the floor as it closes on Luhan’s back.

That night he sees that his coffee table is stacked high with fan mail and gifts again- EunHyuk hyung must have finally had time to pick them up from the company. A cursory glance through it leaves Kris in possession of a new yellow letter.

But that night, for the first time ever, he does not trace the alpaca drawn in a corner with his fingertip and eagerly rip it apart to read its content. Instead, he falls asleep with it clutched tightly in his hand, sleeping fitfully.

He dreams of holding a yellow letter in his hand and feeling Luhan’s darkened, sad gaze burning into his back and he dreams of leaning a little too close when Luhan smiles at him and thinking that somebody, somewhere, writing a yellow letter will be feeling betrayed. 

I think I like Christmas times the best. There is something so magical and open about all that snow. Four more months to go!

I think I might be a little bit in love with you. I’m sorry.

Getting out of the Swarnabhumi airport is a little harder than usual this time. It’s not just Kris they are after anymore, now they struggle to sink their fingers into Luhan too. They have found out his Weibo account, his na