CONSCIENCE ft. Lu Han

 

Luhan stepped in the entertainment building and was greeted by the staff who were there by the door. He was one of the popular beginner trainees since the company was fond of him. Who wouldn’t like him? He had good visuals, he could sing, and he could dance. He also was able to catch up with the other trainees and didn’t seem like he was new.

 

There were eighteen male trainees in the whole entertainment and it seemed like Luhan was pressured since there was news circling around that the entertainment has plans on releasing a new boyband. Even if he was only in for a few months, it couldn’t be helped for him to still be hopeful despite the odds.

 

“Okay trainees, it’s time for your monthly evaluation,” the stern woman stepped in the room and sat on one of the sides so that she could see all the trainees.

 

The male trainees formed their three groups of six. They’ve been practicing the routine for a month, and now, finally they’re being put to the test. They all had to learn the same set of choreography taught using Bruno Mars’ “Treasure”.

 

Luhan became tense as he was part of the second group. The middle is always the unlucky one. They have to match up to the first, and they also have to worry about the last group being better. Also account the fact that people always remember the first and the last ones more than the ones in the middle.

 

“First group,” the stern lady said. “What happened? That performance lacked energy. Your trainer told me that your rehearsal was much better.”

 

Luhan was so relieved to hear this since his group can have a chance to outshine the first, but he only got hurt when the lady pinpointed his good friend, Kim Minseok, and told him that he dragged the performance down. Luhan can only look at Minseok, who looked like it was okay for him. He knew, of course, Minseok was hiding the pain. He always did.

 

“Second group, you’re next.”

 

Luhan stood up with the five other members of the group and took the center of the training room. As soon as the music started, Luhan’s instincts immediately told him to dance the choreography the way he usually does.

 

“This was better,” the lady said as the performance ended. When she started pinpointing members, Luhan got nervous.

 

“What if she hated it?”

 

“What if I did something wrong?”

 

“What if I—”

 

“Luhan, you did really great,” Luhan gave a surprised expression as she said this. “Your dancing improved too, it was really good.”

 

Luhan bowed. “Thank you, thank you.”

 

He didn’t expect this at all. He always got lost into his performance, so he didn’t know what made her think that way. As they sat down, his co-members were patting him at the back and telling him congratulations. After the third group, it seemed that Luhan’s did the best.

 

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The trainees weren’t exactly close with each other. For them, it’s every trainee for him or herself. In their eyes, everyone is competition for the same goal. Even if this was how everyone felt, it didn’t stop Luhan from forming good relationships with his co-trainees.

 

“What happened in there?” Luhan asked as Minseok left the room.

 

“Oh you know, I didn’t do well… again…” Minseok replied like he didn’t care. “It’s like whatever I do isn’t even good anymore.”

 

“I meant, why did they make you stay?”

 

Minseok stuttered. “I-it’s nothing. Just practice, they said.”

 

Luhan just looked at Minseok with concern. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yes, I—”

 

Luhan then pulled Minseok to a blind corner so that no one could see them.

 

“Y-yah—”

 

Luhan kissed Minseok deeply as he thought this might make him feel better.

 

“Happy one month,” Luhan said softly as he pulled away.

 

“H-happy one month… Lu ge?”

 

“Minseok.”

 

“I need to talk to you.”

 

Luhan’s eyebrows met. “What’s up?”

 

“I’ll tell you later. I got to go first,” Minseok stormed off as Luhan just let him leave.

 

Walking in the hallways, he stared at all the posters of the idols on the walls.

 

“Sehun’s going to love it here,” Luhan thought about Sehun, for once. Just then, he felt something bad in him. It had a mixture of regret and guilt. He’s been at it for more than a month now. Luhan has been seeing Minseok behind Sehun’s back—Sehun was Luhan’s boyfriend.

 

His head tells him two different things, and he couldn’t come to a decision ever since he got together with Minseok. Luhan’s head tells him to confront both Minseok and Sehun, but then his head also says ‘no, he’s not ready,’ or ‘no, you can handle this.’

 

He remembered when his training got more intense, which required him to stay longer in the building, and prevented him from seeing Sehun.

 

“I miss you,” he used to text Sehun in-between breaks.

 

“You can do it, hang in there, I believe in you,” Sehun used to text back when Luhan was getting tired during training.

 

Those moments slowly ceased as the days went by. Luhan remembered Sehun texting him that he didn’t want to text as much anymore because he felt that he was interfering with Luhan’s training. Luhan thought it was a good idea until he got lonely.

 

One day, he got close to Kim Minseok, one of his seniors. They hung out and spent a lot of time together, then came a day when Luhan felt something different within him. Minseok seemed to fill the empty slot Sehun left. Slowly, the feeling became mutual. Minseok never knew Luhan was already in another relationship since Luhan never told him.

 

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Luhan’s been staring at Sehun’s random morning text during lunch time. It’s been a while since Sehun texted him and if he did receive a text from boyfriend number one, he would expect something like ‘I miss you,’ or ‘let’s talk.’ But no, it had to be ‘are you home later?’ Of course he was. He told Sehun his training schedule just in case he wanted to talk or meet up. Sehun took come opportunities before, but Luhan kept making excuses when Minseok got into his life.

 

“Eating lunch with the other senior trainees. See you later. :)” Luhan then read Minseok’s latest text.

 

“What has gotten into him?” Luhan whispered to himself as he munched on the food he was eating.

 

One of the girl trainees in his team sat beside him. “Hey, you did really well today, Luhan oppa,” she said shyly.

 

“Oh, thank you,” he replied, swallowing all the food in his mouth.

 

“So… how are you and Sehun oppa..?”

 

Luhan’s eyes enlarged, “H-how did you..?!”

 

“I know Sehun oppa and I wanted to tell you a long time ago, but I was too shy.”

 

“So you know—”

 

“About you and Minseok oppa? Yes.”

 

Luhan was at a loss of words. “This girl, why did she ask me if she already knew?” Luhan sighed.

 

“Don’t worry, I didn’t tell,” the girl smiled.

 

Luhan, again, sighed deeply out of relief.

 

“Because I know you will,” the girl added.

 

He looked at the girl depressingly. She looked back at Luhan and smiled.

 

“I know you can do it, oppa. There’s nothing you can’t do right? Better if you tell them rather than having both find out for themselves.”

 

Her words wrung in his head. His conscience tells him to finally reveal the truth. He didn’t want to spend the holidays like this. Luhan wanted to spend his remaining days with Sehun and apologize to the both of them. He feels sorry for Minseok because Luhan felt like he was just caught in the middle.

 

“What do I do now…”

 

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The air outside was chilly. It was just Minseok and Luhan in front of Luhan’s house.

 

“I tried my best, Luhan, I’m sorry,” Minseok said as he hugged Luhan.

 

Luhan did nothing else but to return his hug.

 

“But this isn’t the only thing I want to tell you,” Minseok pulled away and looked at Luhan straight in the eyes.

 

“Wh-what… is it then?”

 

“I know about your relationship.”

 

Luhan’s vision suddenly became blurry as he was caught in an event he thought would only happen in his nightmares. His eyes and mouth were just left open in his surprise.

 

“I saw you texting him days ago… I didn’t know how to… say it exactly… I thought you would tell me.”

 

Luhan cupped Minseok’s face. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for all the things I have done and I’ve been untruthful. I shouldn’t have engaged in this I’m—”

 

“Shh…” Minseok said as he smiled and tried to comfort a crying Luhan in front of him.

 

Luhan pulled him closer and planted a kiss on his lips. It didn’t mean anything, but if it did, it would have been his goodbye kiss. He just needed to do something.

 

As they pulled away in the kiss, he saw Minseok’s very shocked expression. Looking at him, it seemed like Minseok was looking at something behind Luhan.

 

“Minseok..?” Luhan asked as he turned to look behind him.

 

It was Sehun. Sehun caught them. Luhan’s heart broke.

 

“Sehuna!” Luhan instinct told him to shout as he tried to catch up with Sehun. “Sehunnie, please, wait!”

 

Luhan finally caught up with Sehun and grabbed his wrist and pulled him.

 

“Please, Sehunnie, it’s—”

 

“Don’t you dare call me that,” Sehun replied softly.

 

“I need to explain—”

 

Sehun turned to face Luhan. “Explain what, huh? That you’ve been cheating behind my back? That the reason why you don’t even bother seeing me anymore is because you found someone else to be with? Well, screw me for interrupting your day!” Sehun wriggled his wrist out of Luhan’s grip and started walking away.

 

“But Sehu—”

 

Sehun turned back and punched Luhan on the face. “I never want to talk to you again, bastard.”

 

Luhan was overwhelmed. His feelings were too much for him to handle. He slowly knelt on the ground and cried, touching the area Sehun punched.

 

“I deserved that.”

 

“…my Sehunnie…”

 

It was at that point when he regretted all his actions completely and felt that he deserved to be mocked and humiliated. That was when he thought… he should’ve listened to his conscience when he had the chance to.