It's been a few days now. My beloved Benzedrim had died. She passed away on 25.1.2011. I did not know if she passed away peacefully, I just know she left this world of mine. I will never get to see her again.

It took a while for me to post this up because her death was hard for me to bear. I needed time to settle myself and take the fact that she is dead and that indirectly I am the one killing her. The fact that i am her killer is killing me inside more than anything. The effect of this fact may not haunt me in my sleeps, but it has show me how stupid I am and how easily i gave in to my desires without researching the cause and effect of my actions. No matter how many times I said sorry, I know it could never be enough to kill the pain she felt. Because of this, I did not dare to ask her for fogiveness. I couldn't ask her to forgive me after all the pain she has to go through at that time.

On the afternoon of 25.1.2011 that is the very time I saw how cruel and inconsidered my action is. I know your condition is getting worst and worst, but no matter what, I never expect the worst from you. I saw that you couldn't really open your eyes since last night. So i thought I try to wipe it with some water to see if it works. I also bring a piece of bread for you to eat when I'm going upstairs to clean you. When i held you, you look so in pain, so fragile. You shiver from my every touch and you try to push me away. I tak to you. I talk to you through this whole process. I guess a few days wasn't enough for me to cope with your death. That was just the part where I cleaned you. That wasn't the worst yet. I never thought I would break down in front of you. Not many people had see me break down this uncontrollably, but you did and I couldn't stop. You are something special to me that I just couldn't remain strong enough to get myself through this. I love you. I do. I really do. It was a waste that I just let you slip away and my mistake for making you suffer so much. I don't know how much I can ask of you. I don't know what I can do so that you will ever forgive me. I don't know what to do when I did this to you. The only thing I did was cry and cry and cry. And through my 17 years of life living as an underdog in this palace, I know that crying cannot ever ever resolve anything. But somehow, I choose to cry instead of fight.

After cleaning you, I try to feed you some water. At first, you just didn't drink it. A few seconds later, you refuse it. Then i went on and start cleaning you again cause I haven't complete my job yet and after that i tear a small piece of bread for you to eat. You didn't eat it and a few second later, you refuse it again with your little hands. This cycle has been going on a few times. Cleaning and feeding you. This cycles goes on a few times until I really couldn't take it cause I know you're not eating. When you're not eating, it means you're going to the worst. I said it out loud that you must eat something. Something will do. I just said that you must eat something and then, those tears came. It came and lasted for as long as I told you that I'm sorry. I saw that you refuse everything that I gave you and that made me shatter. I was on the edge when I came back and see you on the corner almost not moving. I know my brother knows that I am crying and it is obvious that I am.

After this whole episode, I decided that I must be strong and I shoudl stop crying cause I look like . So, i cleaned my face and went to bed. When I was sleeping, I dream a lot of stuff. Maybe I love you so much that I couldn't bare to let you go. Maybe I am too worried about you that it had made into a dream of comfort by my mind to calm my already-stressed out body. I don't know. I wish I could answer those question myself. But I know I couldn never find those answers.

When I was sleeping, I dreamt that you were ok. You recover and you're doing so well. You were walking around the cage. You just look so happy. I know you have found your new spirit cause it's obvious and someone in that dream said that out. Now I admit. I do love you too much that I do care about you too much that thid dream actually woke me up and at that split seconds, I did believe that this is reality. That you have indeed recover. Doing fine and just happy. But when I went to your cage, things were far from my dreams. I saw that you're not moving anymore. The first things I did was call my brother cause I need him to tell me that you're really really dead. But my dad answer me saying that my brother was asleep and I just call my dad to come up as fast as he can.

When i went to your cage on the second time, I took you out. You really are dead. You did not move even a little bit anymore. You're static now. Frozen in that state that it somehow look graceful. As i was holding you in my hands, trying to get that fact into my head, my dad came. He confirms you're dead. You are really dead. At that time, I did not cry or whatsoever, cause maybe my head just did not catch that message yet. But when my dad asked me "What is her name?", I shatter. I just couldn't held it together anymore. I just shatter. I don't know what made me shatter when they ask me your name, but I just did. I cry from the moment he ask me your name till the moment I wrote down your last memory in me. I still couldn't stop until then. I don't know what made me stop. But i just sort of stop crying and everytime i try to recall about you, I cried again. I really don't know how to deal with your death. 

After taking you to your final testing place, I did not throw away your little house and all the things inside. I left that cage untouch. I write your name on a piece of paper and fold it into a little swan. I lay that little origami paper on that place you used to hide in that little cage. I left it there for three days. I just cleaned your little cage yesterday and that origami paper, I put it on my shelf facing your little friend and the windown. This origami paper will be a symbol of you. A sign of you that whenever I see this little swan, I will remember you as my little Benzedrim. And I will dare say that if anyone dare to throw that origami out or even wrinkle it a little bit, I will not forgive him o her. I don't know where you are, but whenever you are, I hope you have truly found your place and that you will be happier there.