Joohyun loves books the same way some girls love their makeup, shoes or clothes, and if Jongwoon has picked up a lesson or two from one of the novels Joohyun is so fond of reading, it’s everything happens for a reason. That we see the world so close we overlook why things happen to us, why we eat blueberry pancakes instead of ham and sausages, why we are late for an appointment, why we forget an important love one’s birthday, why we hurt someone we love, why we are torturing ourselves at one time in our lives we forget that it’s actually our choice to be happy.

He realizes it’s a good principle to follow in life but over the course of things, Jongwoon realizes that it’s not an easy principle to live with.

But Jongwoon is still trying and isn’t life about that? Trying.

“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon speaks his name like he breathes air.

Kyuhyun is startled. He is just organizing his books after finishing two research assignments in the library, trying to catch up on lessons because in between Winter Cup and avoiding Jongwoon in every corner of the university, he will not deny he’s being left behind and he does not enjoy being left behind, not in school, not with what has happened in his life before.

He doesn’t even realize it’s already late in the evening.

Meanwhile, not being a creepy stalker, Jongwoon is just around the library as well. He isn’t exactly just watching and waiting for Kyuhyun. He’s actually doing some homework as well while waiting for Kyuhyun. He watches as Kyuhyun’s eyebrows furrow, as Kyuhyun’s lip twitches, as Kyuhyun yawns and stretches.

It’s creepy, probably, but isn’t it also sad that that’s just how far Jongwoon can go near Kyuhyun this point of their lives?

It’s really pathetic to run. How old is he, seriously?

But Kyuhyun is really, really torn between leaving all his books and research materials on the library and running outside like his life depends on getting away or not from Jongwoon or scrambling to get all the research he got and running outside like his life depends on getting away or not from Jongwoon. Either way, Kyuhyun chooses to run and when his mind (thankfully) catches up with what his body is about to do, it stops him.

Running away again? Seriously?

He doesn’t even trust his own conscience asking him that. He’d rather trust someone else’s conscience than his own right now because if he’s going to be asked what he is going to do, he doesn’t know what he’ll answer.

He doesn’t want to run away.

No, not anymore. Not again.

He looks at Jongwoon and he doesn’t know what to say or what to do either.

Jongwoon is there, in front of him, across the table, just about three feet away from Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun can’t help noticing the scattered books behind Jongwoon. He wonders if Jongwoon has been studying there the whole time he was. He wonders if Jongwoon was doing some math. He wonders if Jongwoon was having difficulty with some theories. He wonders if Jongwoon was doing okay with the problems on his homework. He wonders if Jongwoon was doing fine.

His dark hair was falling on his eyes but Kyuhyun can make of the orbs in Jongwoon’s dark eyes. The last time he looked at those eyes, this close, was probably when they talked about everything. How long was that? He couldn’t remember anymore.

But those eyes, he missed.

They are tired, Jongwoon’s eyes, Kyuhyun deduces. They don’t have the same glow, the same light like before and Kyuhyun regrets being the reason of it, one way or another, even though he knows Jongwoon will not blame him for anything. But he looks at those eyes and Kyuhyun still sees it, the same thing he believes can be seen on his own.

Still there. Still there… .

“What do I do?” Kyuhyun mutters, not realizing he said the words allowed in exasperation.

Jongwoon looks dumbfounded because he hasn’t even said or asked anything to Kyuhyun and what the hell is Kyuhyun already saying? He stares and meets Kyuhyun’s gaze and their eyes both widen, like they realized over again that the other is standing in front of them and they’re talking (well, one way or the other).

Then, they both break the stare about the same time and look anywhere besides the person in front of them. If Heechul is watching them, Sooyoung and Joohyun who gave the two of them privacy are probably trying to hold him down while Heechul goes like, COULD YOU PLEASE NOT??? (Thankfully, there’s no Heechul in the vicinity.)

“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon finally speaks again. He decides, since he’s the one who came up to Kyuhyun, it’s his responsibility to make this work. No, he wants this to work. “Can we talk?”

Kyuhyun looks at him, at his eyes, and it takes all of Kyuhyun to look away and find his voice. “What about, hyung? I don’t think we have anything to talk about.”

“Yes, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon says decisively. “As a matter of fact, we have.”

“About what that we haven’t talked about before?”

“I just want to ask questions that no one else can answer but you. I just want to stop asking those questions to myself when I know I don’t have the answer.” Jongwoon tries to meet Kyuhyun’s eyes but Kyuhyun won’t look at him.

Why?

“I want answers from you, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon whispers quietly, finally looking down.

“Ask them now then.”

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you, hyung.”

Lies.

“You are,” Jongwoon insists because he’s not taking any more lies and any more dodges from his questions. He wants to know and if Heechul is right, he wants to end this now once and for all.

“I’m not.”

“Kyuhyun, why do you even bother? Why do you even bother lying? Weren’t you the one who told me no more lies?”

“Says the person who hid everything from me.”

That’s a little unfair and Kyuhyun knows that. Because Jongwoon already told him the truth, everything. It’s just him who can’t move on, who can’t move forward from it.

“I don’t want to justify the things I did. I lied, I hid something from you, and I know that. Is that why you’re avoiding me, Kyuhyun?”

No.

“Why are you asking me if I’m avoiding you?”

“Because I want to know.”

“Want to know what?”

Jongwoon lifts his gaze again and this time, Kyuhyun meets his. He doesn’t know anymore if he’s still mad about being left behind his own life or if he’s mad with Yoona’s crazy, stupid antics or if he’s mad with how the world works, a little rumor here and everybody comes rolling with it, or if he’s just mad because no matter how much he wants Jongwoon, he can’t do anything about it.

“If you love me.”

There’s a long silence and while Jongwoon is trying his best to even his breathes, Kyuhyun is trying to breathe. He looks like he’s in a mixture of confusion, frustration and punching himself internally why he didn’t run in the beginning, why he stayed and talked to Jongwoon.

“I can't, hyung.”

“Why?”

“I can’t! I just can’t!” Kyuhyun yells in fury, forgetting that they are still in the library and ignoring everything because he needs to go away.

Jongwoon is hurt. He can see it right in front of him and he can’t do anything about it because he’s the one who’s hurting Jongwoon. He can’t hurt him any further. He can’t be the reason for his pain any more. That’s why he’s trying to go away. He’s trying to avoid Jongwoon because he doesn’t want to hurt him again and again when he can’t be brave about how he truly feels for him.

He can handle the pain himself but not Jongwoon. He does not deserve this.

“Kyuhyun, wait!” Jongwoon runs after Kyuhyun storming out of the library.

“Why can’t you understand, hyung?! I can’t!”

“Kyuhyun, listen to me. You can put an end to this.”

“How?!” Kyuhyun suddenly stops and demands of Jongwoon.

“Tell me to go,” Jongwoon answers, looking at Kyuhyun earnestly. “Tell me that's what you want and I'll go and you'll never see me again.”

Kyuhyun blankly stares at Jongwoon, blinking his eyes multiple times. “Is that what you want?”

Jongwoon smiles sadly. “I want you.”

“Hyung…”

“I know,” Jongwoon says immediately.

“I can't.”

“It’s okay. I love you.”

It's never been said between them before. It has been implied and it has been almost-said, it has been felt, but never out right, never directly like that. And it hurts Kyuhyun how he can't say it back no matter how much he wants to. It hurts Jongwoon how Kyuhyun can't say it back because he knows. But he understands.

He always does, doesn't he? But even though Jongwoon knows that and he understands that, it doesn’t make the pain go away, it doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Kyuhyun is about to say something, about to say it even just this once but Jongwoon doesn’t want to hear it like this, this way. It hurts more to know how painful it is for the person you love to say he loves you than never to hear those words.

“What I said is 'I love you',” Jongwoon says before Kyuhyun, shaking his head lighty and touching Kyuhyun’s shoulders like he never wants to let go – but of course, he knows he eventually has to, like now, “not 'Please, love me, too.' It's okay, Kyuhyun. This is the last.”

“Hyung...”

Jongwoon steps closer and hugs Kyuhyun, for the last time, just this last time again. He kisses Kyuhyun’s temple and holds him like he’ll perish the moment he let go.

Because he knows he has.

“I know,” Jongwoon whispers and he means it with everything, along with how much he loves him and he wishes him the happiness his heart desires, even if it means going away permanently, even if it means never having the love that could have been the source of happiness in his life.

He finally let go of Kyuhyun with a prayer, “We'll be okay.”

Will they?

A/N: Hi, loves! Happy Chinese/Lunar New Year! How’s your Chinese/Lunar New Year? I pray for everyone to be happy and healthy!

I’m sorry for my irregular updates. T^T But for those who are worrying if I’ll finish VHSML or not, don’t worry! I WILL. ^^ And it will be really awesome if you’ll let me know what you think of what’s going on with the story now, too. XD

Let’s pray for Jongwoon to have a safe and successful comeback! ^^

Now Playing: Gray Paper by Yesung

- Elle