“I,” Kyuhyun starts, sounding unsure what he should say after hearing everything from Jongwoon.

He’s not sure exactly what’s the reason but he wants to know everything from the very beginning, wherever the ing hell this all started. He wants to know the reason, and he wants to hear Jongwoon’s explanation from Jongwoon because maybe then, he’ll be able to understand everything, maybe then he’ll be able to understand why Jongwoon did what he did, and maybe, he’ll learn to trust Jongwoon again.

That’s why no matter how hopeless this all seems, he asks Joohyun and Sooyoung to help him talk to Jongwoon, just the two of them. Even though Sooyoung, and at first, Joohyun, is more than reluctant to help him talk to Jongwoon, they know that they need it. They’re just hesitant because they don’t know if Kyuhyun, or Jongwoon, is ready to talk. Before, Kyuhyun is too confused and Jongwoon is too taken by his emotions, to explain everything and not to lose Kyuhyun, to listen and really talk.

But their heart for Jongwoon told them that they need it. Kyuhyun and Jongwoon.

So, they set Kyuhyun and Jongwoon to meet at one unpopular café near the very outskirts of the city, far from the university, or Jongwoon’s house, or Kyuhyun’s. It’s where they’ll be able to talk without worrying who’s seeing them together, or if someone’s overhearing what they’re saying. It’s a place where it will seem like they’re the only people in the world, something that might not happen anymore elsewhere.

Despite Kyuhyun’s best effort to get to that place earlier, Jongwoon is still earlier, anxious what he’ll do once he sees Kyuhyun again, worried that he might say something wrong and drive Kyuhyun further away. But he knows there’s no ‘say something wrong’ anymore now. He just has to say the truth, all truth. Then maybe, Kyuhyun will forgive him for lying to him, and Kyuhyun will once again learn to trust him.

He sees Jongwoon instantly, after opening the café’s door with his slightly shaking hands. He still looks the same, Kyuhyun thinks as he walks towards Jongwoon as casual as possible. Dark and slightly messy hair, dark denim jeans. The bags under his eyes seem to be darker than before and Kyuhyun wonders if Jongwoon is losing as much sleep as he has.

He thinks about running away. He isn’t sure how this will work.

Kyuhyun isn’t even sure how to talk to Jongwoon anymore. As Yesung? As Jongwoon? He thinks it’s surprising that he hasn’t completely lost his mind yet even after what happened, even through all this happening. But if Kyuhyun is sure of one thing, he doesn’t want to lose Jongwoon, or Yesung, or whoever he is. It drives Kyuhyun crazy but he knows in himself that whoever Jongwoon or Yesung really is, he doesn’t want to lose him.

That’s why he wants to hear it, why Jongwoon hid his true identity, why Jongwoon did everything he did.

“I don’t remember anything…” Kyuhyun says, looking frustrated at Jongwoon, and Jongwoon remembers hearing the same thing, the exact words, three years ago. “I don’t remember anything, hyung. Why can’t I remember anything?!”

 “Kyu…” Jongwoon says, uncertain if he should be the one saying this.

“I don’t remember anything, hyung!” Kyuhyun says again, a little more loudly. He isn’t angry, really, and it’s good that there are only two other people in the café besides him and Jongwoon, because they might mistake his frustrate for anger. He’s just really upset that he already knows everything and yet he knows nothing.

Kyuhyun doesn’t remember exactly how he met Hyesung when they were children. He only remembers visiting the hospital with Sooyeon, and Soojin treating them cakes and cookies, and there’s Hyesung. She looks pretty even though she doesn’t speak much and sometimes, she seems really out of it. But she and Kyuhyun became friends and even after years, Kyuhyun remembers her.

Why doesn’t he remember her?

“Kim Hyesung,” the nurse speaks inaudibly, “is gone.”

He doesn’t know how to process those words. He doesn’t know where to begin, with the name or with the words that she is gone? He doesn’t know how to walk or who to talk or where to go because the only thing that’s running on his mind is she is gone.

She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone.

She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone.

She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone.

She is gone. She is gone. She is gone. She is gone.

She is gone. She is gone. She is gone.

She is gone. She is gone.

She is gone.

How do you process the fact that someone’s gone? How do you move on when you know that someone you know, someone you deeply care for, someone you love is gone and you will not see her again and you will not be able to hold her hand again and you will not be able to see her beautiful smile again and you will not be able to laugh with her, or cry with her, or grow old together with her? How do you just accept the fact that you’ll never be with that person again and you just have to continue living life without that person?

How do you accept the fact that it’s never going to be the same again?

Is it possible to live without loving?

Is it possible to love without fearing that one day, you’ll get separated?

If getting separated is really part of life, is it possible to love someone and never be afraid to lose them?

If it isn’t, then how are you going to continue living when that day comes?

Kyuhyun isn’t familiar with losing someone and on that day, he isn’t sure how to move. If only he could stay static for some time, and with that time, figure why there are some things in our life that happens, that no matter what we do, or how much we think about it, it will just happen, inevitably, because that’s just how it goes. There are really things in our life that are out of our control, like the falling of leaves from the tree. How do you know which leaf is going to fall next?

Unfortunately for Kyuhyun, that’s not how it goes. The sun will continue to rise and earth will continue to revolve.

People will come and go.

Shops will open and close.

Cars will run.

“KYUHYUN!”

It’s a shriek, a voice he isn’t familiar with, the first time he ever heard of it, but for some reason, just the tone of the voice seems familiar. It’s like even though his mind can’t put a face on that voice, Kyuhyun knows that he is somewhat important to that person because even though his eyes are already closed when that person reached him, he feels trickles of tears fall on his face as that person cries his name, calling him back to wake up.

“Wake up, Kyuhyun… Please, open your eyes! Wake up… Don’t, don’t close your eyes! Please… Kyuhyun…”

“Selective amnesia,” Jongwoon finally says, deciding that he’s not the one to decide Kyuhyun’s life for him, but it’s also not going to be his parents, or Jongwoon’s parents, or Sungmin, or even Hyesung. Besides, he’s been left in the dark for so long already and what good did it do to him? Jongwoon doesn’t even know if there’s any, besides prolonging the agony. He might have saved Kyuhyun, but what happened still happened and Kyuhyun has to know it.

“I’m sure you’ve heard of that. You forget a certain part of your memory. It might be a time frame, from your childhood up to seven years old. It might be a certain happening, an accident or painful losing. Sometimes, it can be an entire person. You lose the memory of that person all in all, everything with that person, every memory you have together with that person, you lose it.”

“You won’t remember that person no matter what, and no matter how important that person used to be to you,” Jongwoon continues, “They say it’s an unconscious choice of the mind, because sometimes, a thing so painful would happen and it would be better not to remember it at all so as not to bring the pain back. It’s like, subconsciously, you are choosing to forget it, her.”

“But how could you remember the good memories if you’d forget everything?” Kyuhyun silently asks.

“You couldn’t,” Jongwoon answers, “You simply couldn’t.”

“You’re telling me I have selective amnesia.” It’s not even a question anymore. It’s like Kyuhyun is stating a fact, a fact he’s yet to confirm. “My parents didn’t tell me anything about it, this, her.”

Jongwoon looks miserably at Kyuhyun. It’s a miracle how he’s holding up, explaining everything to Kyuhyun from the very beginning up to the end, up to where Kyuhyun lost it. Those memories aren’t exactly good memories for Jongwoon, too. But he’s willing to go there, to go back, if it’s for Kyuhyun.

Anywhere is okay if he’s with Kyuhyun.

“You were so crushed, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon tells him, hands clenched below the table as he remembers the scene. “You were so heartbroken. You almost died.”

“I almost died?” Kyuhyun gapes, disbelievingly.

“You almost died,” Jongwoon confirms, reiterating the fact. “You looked up to my sister so much, if not loved her too much. When you found out she was gone, you were walking without direction, you were merely  existing without living. The thing you taught noona, the thing she taught me, you forgot it. Then, one afternoon, you crossed the road without looking at the lights and got hit by a car.”

“I,” Kyuhyun starts and he feels so small, and so pathetic, for not being able to remember anything, for not being able to confirm if what Jongwoon is telling him is true or not. “I don’t remember.”

Jongwoon tries his best to ignore the melancholic look on Kyuhyun’s face, because this is it. Everything, all of it, from the beginning to the end, this is the time Kyuhyun should hear it. No matter how painful it is, no matter how unbelievable it is.

“You were unconscious for two weeks in the hospital. You were hit badly, and as I sad, you almost died, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon chooses to continue. “By the time you woke up, the first thing you asked was why you were in the hospital. Then, you asked what happened and when you asked why were you stupidly crossing the road when the light is green, it was apparent that you don’t remember certain things. It was only when tests were done on you that it was confirmed that you have selective amnesia, and subconsciously, the thing you chose to forget is my sister, Kim Hyesung.”

“It hurt you so much, Kyuhyun, that everybody decided that it’s best if you’ll not remember her, because remembering her would bring back the memories, and remembering her would bring back the pain. After what happened, after almost losing you, everybody thought that’s what’s best for you.”

Jongwoon finally meets Kyuhyun’s eyes again, unable to do so because he might not be able to say everything he has to say if he sees how forlorn Kyuhyun’s expression is. But what’s etched in Kyuhyun’s face is a mixture of feelings Jongwoon can’t fathom anymore.

“Best for me?” Kyuhyun asks, laughing mockingly. To Jongwoon or him, he doesn’t know anymore. “Best for me? How the hell is that best for me ? I got kidnapped by your parents, hyung, because they think I was the one who killed your sister. You protected me, right? You are Kim Yesung. You are Kim Jongwoon. You were exposed to the whole university, lies and truth got mixed up. We’re talking five kilometers from school just so we could really talk. How is that best for me?”

“I don’t remember anything, anything at all! I can’t even begin where to start remembering. I don’t know where to begin at all! This started with your sister but now, it’s you,” Kyuhyun tells Jongwoon, and even though he knows Jongwoon just protected him, he can’t stop because Kyuhyun is confused, and he’s upset that even though Jongwoon is telling him everything, he doesn’t understand it all.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore, hyung,” he finishes, looking down at the cold, untouched frappé in front of him.

Nothing hurt Jongwoon more than what Kyuhyun just said.

Nothing hurt him more than that.

It just so ing hurts.

So ing much.

It hurts.

Jongwoon can literally feel his heart shattering and he doesn’t know what to say or do anymore. He knows there are still things to be said, there are still explanations to be done, but it’s like Kyuhyun already ended it, them.

He doesn’t know who Jongwoon is anymore.

Jongwoon used to think that even after everything that’s happening, he still knows himself, that he’s still Kim Jongwoon. But when Kyuhyun told him that, he’s not so sure anymore. Who is he?

“What did she look like?” Kyuhyun suddenly asks, bringing back Jongwoon, who’s falling at the middle of the deepest ocean, with him.