Paralyzing Remorse
Light
LUHAN'S POV
A violet-tinged shadow lengthened on the dull concrete wall of a random shop as the sun went down. I watched it closely as I made my way down the busy and luminous boulevard.
The said shadow walked in wide strides, it was holding a folded package of some sort single-handedly. Although the shadow's strides were familiar and purposeful, the body language of its upper body said otherwise. Its backpack was slung over its shoulder in a casual and careless manner, and it bounced with every stride the shadow took. However, it seemed as though it weighed a ton as the shadow hunched slightly. It was not obvious, but it did not go unnoticed by me. The shadow's head hung low and its puffy hair bounced in a stiff and jerky manner.
It was a sickening sight to watch because it looked so robotic and lifeless. It was a shadow of a human without its soul. A puppet without its puppeteer. A sheep without its shepherd.
Vulnerable. Broken. Alone.
Its steps halted when a shapely silhouette latched onto its arms.
"Oppa." I glanced at the source of the throaty voice and my eyes landed on a teenage girl, probably 16 to 18 of age, who was scantily-clad in a strapless mini black dress.
"Let's go for a drink? My treat." She fluttered her false lashes at me and smiled at me playfully while twirling her long blond curls. I winced when she hugged my arms a little too close to her cleavage.
My heart clenched at the sight of this. She was so young. Bianca should be around her age as well now. I felt a lump form in my throat and I stared at her intensely, scanning her features, hoping and praying that there would not be any familiarity in her features. Some gasps and penetrating glares behind her made me snap out it. Her friends? They were eyeing me in a shameless manner.
Luhan, she's blind, remember?
Ah, I sighed in both exasperation and relief. Exasperation because this girl was not her, and Bianca was still missing. Relief because she was not the one throwing herself at a random man that she met on the street.
However, it still pained me to see such a sight. Why? I wanted to shake the girl so violently so that she will realize what she was doing. Why? I frowned at the girl and pressed my lips together. WHY? Have you ever wondered about how your loved ones would feel about this?
I shook my head and pulled away from her.
Stupid Luhan. Who are you to judge?
"It's really cold out here young girl, you should dress up more warmly," She stared at me, dumbfounded and mouth gaping.
"Go home, it's getting dark." I gave her a forceful and pained smile, tightening my grip on the takeaway I was carrying in my hand. I could feel moisture beginning to form in my eyes. I darted into the crowd. I welcomed the suffocating heat, constant chatters, bright neon lights, and the delicious smell of street food.
Food. I glanced at my watch.
7:28 p.m.
. I opened my takeaway package to check whether it was still in one piece. The distinct aroma of kimchi pancakes hit me in the face and I smiled slightly. Well, it wasn't as warm as before, but I could always heat it up for her first. She loves kimchi pancakes. My stomach growled and only then it strucked me, I forgot to buy my own dinner.
It's late and I do not want her to starve, so I settled for a large cup of Ice blended Taro with egg pudding and rushed home.
_____________________________________________________
My heart raced like never before as I took one shaky step down the stairs. The portable staircase vibrated vigorously due to the thrum of the engines. The smell of jet fuels, hot tarmac and freedom filled my nose.
I am finally home.
The children were listening to their iPods, the old couple in front of me were chatting about some Ginseng garden, and a bunch of young adults, probably around my age, were pointing and gazing at the huge screens displaying the arrival and departure of flights excitedly.The atmosphere was so bright and cheerful, the ambience was great.
I felt out of place.
"Passengers from flight 871-5, China to Korea, please proceed to the..." A pleasant and mechanical sound announced over the noises.
After retrieving my baggage and backpack, I made my way to the exit and saw a horde of people holding up placards of different shapes and sizes. Most of them were written in chinese and loud yelling could be heard above the announcer's voice.
My eyes scanned the crowd warily and swiftly. I stopped at the sight of a tall man dressed smartly in suit and a tiny, fragile figure cowering beside him.
"MA!" I ran towards her, dropping my baggage and I hugged her trembling figure in a firm embrace as I struggled to hold back a sob. "I am sorry." My body racked uncontrollably and my heart died a little when I realized how skinny and boney she had become since the last time I saw her."I am so sorry." I buried my face in her neck, holding back searing hot tears in my eyes.
She pulled away from my hug and held me at arms-length and we stared in each other's eyes for a moment. The once beautiful lady before me gave me a tired smile. The fine wrinkles around her eyes became prominent as her eyes crinkled and stared into mine sadly, sincerely and tenderly. Her once youthful glow was replaced by a sickly and dull shade of ivory. Her almond-shaped eyes drooped slightly and held so much wisdom, pain and unspoken suffering.
"Luhan-ah, you are so tall and handsome now." Her calloused hands palmed my cheeks.
"Ma, I am so sorry," My lips trembled." I don't even deserve to call you mother." I held her hands shakily.
"Silly boy," She ruffled my hair, "You are all I have now." Her eyes turned glassy and for a moment. I was reminded of how Bianca's eyes would also look distant and glassy when she asked me how light felt like. My heart tightened.
Bianca. I am sorry.
"Now, now, it's okay to cry," She smiled at me."But you have to understand, it was never your fault to begin with." I shook my head weakly.
I promised Bianca I would never leave her.
But I did.
It was father who left his debts behind, it was father who fled to China, it was father who brought me along to China.
But it was I who was stupid and gullible enough to get tricked into going there. It was I who broke my promise. It was I who was incapable to protect my loved ones.
Naturally, when someone runs away from his responsibilities and problems, these things do not just disappear. Someone else has to take it up and carry it. When they could not handle it well enough, there are bound to be victims of circumstances.
Mother carried his problems, Bianca became the victim, so he let me carry the guilt.
Let me carry the cross.
"Ma, I swear on my life," I held her gaze intensely and spoke with a note of finality."I will do whatever it takes to find Bianca."
At the sound of that, a lone tear that had been held in for too long in mother's heart trickled down her sallow cheek.
_____________________________________________________
"Ma, I am home." I took off my shoes and looked around our apartment for her.
CRASH! I dashed to the kitchen.
"Don't move, I'll clean it up." I darted towards the crouching figure on the floor, pulled her away from the broken pieces of plates and set her down on the chair.
I held her shoulders firmly, demanding her attention and looked into her dazed and distracted eyes. I felt so sad seeing her in such a lost and terrified state.
"Ma..." My voice faltered while I smoothed her hair and patted them into a neater and more presentable state. She finally met my gaze, it was like looking into a hollow and empty crystal ball. I unwillingly tugged the sides of my lips up into a forced smile and held up the takeaway package. "I bought you your favourite food."
She looked at the food that I was holding and she snatched the food away.
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH? WHAT ABOUT BIANCA'S?" She cried out and flung the package at me.
"...Ma..." I flinched when the package hit me on my forehead.
"STAY AWAY FROM ME!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!" She screamed and covered her ears.
"Ma...I am so sorry... so sorry..." I croaked out, picked up the food and enveloped her in a tight hug.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!" She thumped my chest harshly, I ignored the pain and finally released her when her punches became so weak and she broke into sobs.
"...Leave me alone..." She whimpered.
"I will after you eat." I said as firmly as I could without breaking down.
Obediently, she took the package from my hand and headed towards the dining table, tear-stricken and lifeless. As she ate, I picked up all the broken glass and wrapped them up in few layers of newspapers. I smiled bitterly. Here I was, picking up broken pieces of glass. While my heart was already broken into a million pieces, pulverized into powder. Oh the irony.
After I was done, I washed the dishes and announced my leave. I stayed outside of our home for an hour or so drinking my tea.
10:20p.m.
I opened the door and saw mum sleeping on the couch while hugging a photo album tightly.I quietly carried mother from the couch to the bed and covered her with a quilt. I pried her arms away from the album and laid the album on the mini wooden desk beside her bed.
"Ma...I am so sorry..." I said in a hushed whisper.
______________________________________________________
Soomeul gotdo chatji mathae naneun pilharyeogo aesseo bwodo geobujocha hal su eopneun...
Onew sunbae's singing filled up the empty dance studio. I managed to catch the dynamic beat and energy of the song and danced accordingly.
...ireojineun mala, her whisper is the Lucifer...
Sweat dripped its way down my forehead and into my eyes, quicker than I could wipe it away.The deep bass and powerful disco beat of the song made it easier for me to get into the mood of the song. I watched myself in the mirror and made sure I danced at the the best angle as well in order to showcase my best appearance. After I got the flow, I began singing to the song.
, I felt a sharp throbbing pain in my abdomen.
Geobu hal su eobtneun neoeui maryeoheun Lucifer...
Just ignore it, it will go. I continued moving my body to the rhythm and feel of the song.
A swift hook, snide upper elbow jab to the left and right, smoother... Luhan, coordinate your legs and hands, left, right, slide...
Suddenly, the throbbing feeling turned into painful jabs.
...neoeui maryeokeun Lucifer..
That was the last thing I heard before I was crouching on the floor, clutching my stomach tightly, while a silent cry left my lips.
____________________________________________________
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Whoa, I hope this is not too depressing for you to read as how depressing it was for me to write :'D.
I am so sorry for the slow updates. I probably would not be able to update that frequently due to exams :'(.
Thank you so much again for reading, commenting, subscribing and upvoting :)
I would also like to thank RockyBlue for her review of my story :D, I learnt about my mistakes and I am glad for that. Here is the link to her shop if you are also a budding writer and wish to get some advice on how to improve :)
Thank you so much :) Please do comment so I know what you think so far of this story and subscribe if you like what you are reading ^^ hehe, let's be friends~!
Comments