I cried on the hospital’s park for the next hour. I couldn’t believe what the doctor had said but as he explained me all the symptoms and I finally understood. My lack of appetite, my fatigue, my pain… it was all this. And it was reaching stage 2.

“Can it be cured?” I remembered asking the doctor about it earlier, my voice was shaking. I was shaking.

“We can do some more tests to see whether we can lift it from your body or not. If not, we can do some chemo to get rid of the cancer cells,” he explained to me carefully.

“Can we do it in secret? Just you and me. Don’t call my parents,” I asked after I could shake my shock away.

“Jeong Ae-ssi. This is big. You’re under age. Your parents ought to know. And the treatment is not cheap,” the doctor said again, his voice was stern. As if he really cared of this seventeen years old girl carrying a cancer.

“I’m seventeen. I have money. Don’t worry. Just don’t tell my parents,” I told him before I left the room.

There was money I had been saving since I was in middle school for a trip to Europe that I had been longing to do for so long. But now this was more important.

Cancer huh? This was unbelievable.

Jong Up would freak out if he knew that his bulimic sister was not bulimic, but was having cancer in her stomach. Jong Up didn’t need to know.

How about Dae Hyun? I promised him I would talk to him later today. I guess I won’t then. Not even Dae Hyun should know.

I reached the house an hour later. I heard my Mom and Jong Up laughed from the family room, I told them I was tired then went upstairs. I walked into my room and closed then lock my door and my window and went to plop myself on the bed. I didn’t know what to do. I felt pathetic.

I covered my face with my pillow and cried again. Was I really going to die? Though the doctor said it was still cure able, I was losing hope. How could I hide this thing if I went under surgeries or chemotherapy? I knew a few things about Chemotherapy from dramas. It will make your hair fell off and drained you up. It sounded scary.

I heard my Mom’s voice laughed from downstairs. Should I tell them? Should I came up to them and said, ‘Omma, I have stomach cancer,’ like that? I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I could already imagine how Jong Up will only think of me instead of studying. It was his third year of mid school. He will face the exams in a few months. He didn’t need me to worry him. My Mom? I would take her life if she had to take care of me. My Dad? He was already tired trying to make living for this family and I would only be a burden. I didn’t want to be a burden. Anyone’s burden. Everyone’s burden.

Let me be selfish this time. I want to take all this for myself and make everyone happy. I can beat this cancer by my own. I can do it.

I heard knock on my door and I quickly wiped my tears away. “Noona, it’s Jong Up. Can I come in?” he asked.

“Wait!” I croaked. I took a wet tissue and cleaned up my face in a hurry before opening the door for him. “What is it?”

Jong Up frowned when he saw my face. “Did you just cry?”

“I… I was not,” I looked away and went to my bed. I had no choice from now on. It will all be lies and lies and lies. I wouldn’t be able to look straight to Jong Up’s eyes anymore.

“You’re lying,” Jong Up sat on the edge of the bed. “What happened? Did you go to the hospital already?” He asked with concern. “What did they say?”

I hugged myself and hid my face from him. “They said I was bulimic, like you predicted.” Liar, liar pants on fire!

He sighed as if he already guessed it. “I knew it. Were you crying because of that?” He asked again, now scooted closer.

For a quite similar reason, yes. Just different kind of disease. “Yeah… pathetic.” I sobbed again to the pillow.

“Noona…,” Jong Up reached to me and hugged me in his arms. “It’s okay… we’re going to fight it. Together.”

Oh, Jong Up. If only you knew. “Jong Up-ah, I’m scared.”

“It’s okay… it’s okay. I’m here,” he said while he patted my back.

“Promise me you won’t tell Omma or Appa,” I whispered between my sobs.

He hesitated again for a moment before he nodded. “Okay, I won’t tell Omma and Appa, I promise.”

I clutched to him and cried harder after hearing his promise.

***

I dragged myself to school the next morning. After bidding goodbye to Jong Up and Jun Hong I walked to school alone. I didn’t wait for Dae Hyun. I didn’t want him to see me miserable like this. I didn’t want anyone to see me miserable like this.

I stopped half way to school and turned to a different direction. I didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want to explain why I looked sad, why I look miserable. I didn’t want to lie at least for a day. I just want to be with myself and be miserable alone. And probably do some crying again. God, I’m so depressed.

I found a small park near the area and went inside. I found a swing and sat there, leaning my head to one of its holder. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The cool autumn wind blew my face. I felt my tears threatened to fall again but I took a deep breath instead. I don’t want to cry again. My eyes were still puffy because I had cried all night long. I was drained.

Suddenly someone pushed my swing from behind and I turned around, startled.

Dae Hyun was there. He gave me a smile and pushed my swing again. “Hey…,” he said.

“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you on school?” I stared at him while my swing moved forward and backward at his push.

“Same question for you. What are you doing her all by yourself?” He asked back, not stopping what he was doing.

I tore my gaze from him. “I wanted to be alone.”

“Why?”

“I just feel like being alone,” I closed my eyes, feeling the wind as I swung forward and backwards.

He didn’t say anything. He just pushed me in rhythm as we stayed in silent.

“You should go to school, Dae Hyun,” I said as I touched my feet to the ground and stopped the swing’s movement.

Dae Hyun kept quite. He took the swing next to me and began swinging beside me.

“Dae Hyun-ah….”

“I can’t go back to school. When I reach the school I’ll already be late. I rather not meeting Mr. Kim’s push ups,” he looked at me and smiled.

“Are you sure?” He stopped the swing and looked at me.

He nodded. “I’m sure.”