Closing my eyes, I imagined a world that was only mine, a world where I was free, I was happy. I was wrong…

It was everywhere, the image of my loved ones crying over my dead body haunted me, even in death, they haunt me. The image of Jiyong cutting his own throat tortured me, even more than the excruciating pain I went through.

“Why?!” I yelled to the emptiness of my own little darkness. I was alone; I was sad and alone in this place. I asked that question again and again without any answer. Why did it have to be like this? Why am I still haunted by that if I’m already dead?

“There’s no time…” A voice said. I looked around and found no one; I was alone in this darkness. My instinct told me to run, my mind told me to stay and my heart just screamed ‘keep on going’, so I ignore every sane thought and started to run. I couldn’t see anything, couldn’t see where I was going, I just ran and ran until my legs gave in, until my body collapse on the floor.

“Chaerin” Another voice called me. I looked weakly to my sides, trying to figure out what was going on, what was this place.

“Chaerin baby, look at me” He called again. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.

“Why?” I asked again. I heard him chuckle while getting closer.

“It’s ‘us’ not ‘you & I’ remember?” he said. I shook my head and closed my fist. It wasn’t anger, it wasn’t pain or sadness, just disappointment, I was disappointed of him, of everything.

“That was stupid” I said and finally opened my eyes, only to find no one there.

“Only in your eyes” his distant voice said. I stood up trembling and someone grabbed my arm. I looked to my side and then, everything was clear, so clear it was hurting my eyes. I covered my eyes with the back of my hand as the person lifted me up from my spot.

The moment I straightened myself, everything turned calm, bright, and happy. Finally I had come to the place where I could find the peace I was longing for. I was free, free to run, free to scream, to laugh and to cry, I was simply free.

I didn’t had to ask any questions, or to see clearly to notice where I was, I truly believed with all my soul that this was the place of my final rest, the place where I could be for eternity.

But there was something missing, someone missing. My mind started to look for that missing someone in this place. Was he going through that darkness like I did? Was he lost? Can he come here?

‘Not here’ someone said. I looked around but the bright lights still blinded my eyes. I couldn’t see clearly, only silhouettes of people passing by.

“Why not?” I asked. One of the silhouettes came closer, I tried to see who it was but the lights were too bright for my eyes.

‘He doesn’t belong here’ the voice said, and it surprised me that it had some echo on it. I felt my heart slowly sinking on my chest.

“Where does he belong?” I asked. The silhouette chuckled and put a hand on my shoulder.

‘Home’ she said. I tried to see, I really tried, but all I got was a blurry image of a beautiful woman with long and dark hair. I lowered my head and took a deep breath trying to hold in the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes.

“He belongs with me” I whispered. The woman grabbed my cheeks and kissed my forehead. It was a tender and comforting kiss. I felt protected, felt in peace and felt loved.

‘His home’ she said. I nodded, still confused of what she meant. He wasn’t here, but I’ve seen him commit suicide, he wasn’t here and I’ve seen him die. Then how does he belongs with me when I’m here?

‘There’s no time… no space… only here…’ She said backing away. I widened my eyes surprised the lights had subsided and now a small darkness was surrounding us.

“Wait! I don’t want to go back to that darkness!” I yelled. She laughed and I felt some arms hugging me from behind.

‘Come with me’ his voice said. I felt his presence strong, but then it was all blurry, it couldn’t be here.

‘Second chance, another opportunity’ the lady said. I was genuinely confused, and there was no time to think as the person behind me was slowly dragging me away from that peaceful place, where there was no pain, no fear, no tears. I felt a sadness within me that couldn’t be measured, couldn’t be explain. It was like being taken away from your mother’s arms, from the protection of your home…

Home… the place where you’re protected, loved, safe.

Home, a place to always long for, to always want to return to…

Home is not a place, home is not a house, home is the place where your loved ones are, and Jiyong was my home, my love, my heart.

‘Go back home’ the lady finally said. I smiled and nodded. Home…

“Wake up sleepy head!” Someone called. I felt my whole body shaking furiously as the person repeatedly called my name. I slowly opened my eyes and was surprised to find myself in my room.

The bright lights of the sun hurt my eyes, but not as much as to be blinded by them. I looked around and found Jiyong’s smiling face in front of me. Was I dead? Was I in Heaven?

“Jiyong? Where am I?” I asked while sitting up, confused about what was going on.

“Home baby, come, let’s eat breakfast!” He said. I looked at him from head to toe, he wasn’t the skinny guy that killed himself not too long ago, he was toned again, fit, his blonde hair was back to normal, healthy, his dark circles were gone, he was the Kwon Jiyong and remembered and loved.

He frowned and grabbed my arms, lifting me up from bed. I smiled and stood up. He then hugged me and kissed me, deep, tenderly. I couldn’t resist, so I hugged him back tight, I didn’t wanted to let go, not anymore, not when I have lost him once,  I wouldn’t lose him twice.

“Babe, you’re choking me” He said. I hugged him tighter and kissed his chest.

“I don’t care, I will never let go” I said, tears falling from my eyes.

“Alright crazy morning lady, but at least let us eat breakfast, I’m starving” He said. I smiled and pulled away, quickly cleaning my tears. He kissed my lips and grabbed my hand, dragging me out of my room.

The house seemed normal, like nothing was changed, there weren’t any pills around the place, neither the side trails of the stairs, everything was back to normal, back to the moment I was healthy. As Jiyong dragged me to the kitchen, Taemin was coming out of his room. His normal and fit body surprised me, he looked strong and healthy…

Just like three months ago…

“Hey wait for me you food monsters!” Taemin said as he saw us and ran to our side. Jiyong laughed and pushed him lightly, Taemin faked the strength and threw himself to the wall. I laughed at their silliness, they will never grow old.

“Kids, don’t be fighting for food, there’s plenty of it here!” Mom screamed from downstairs. We all ran down and sat on our chairs. She put our plates in place, everything was perfect, like all I remember of our family.

In that moment, Nagueti entered the kitchen and greeted us all. She smiled and looked at me, she hugged me tight and kissed my cheeks while crying.

“You’ve been given another opportunity my child, be grateful” She whispered. I looked at her confused, I always knew she knows stuffs, but this was just plain strange.

“What do you mean Nagueti?” I asked her. She smiled and hugged me again.

“You’re back” She whispered on my ears. I widened my eyes and slowly looked at out calendar.

June 25, 2013

“This can’t be possible” I said stepping back. Nagueti smiled and nodded.

“You’ve been given a second opportunity, be wise” She said. I gulped and looked at my phone, it was the same date, three months back. But there was a difference, I wasn’t feeling the pain on my chest, wasn’t feeling tired or anything, I was back and healthy, back and sane. In that moment, just in that moment, I closed my eyes and tears rolled down of them.

It was a dream…

I couldn’t be grateful enough, couldn’t express my happiness in that moment. Maybe I was one of the few people out there that was given an opportunity like this, to learn about who will suffer when I’m gone, to see how they will live when I’m gone. If this isn’t a kind of heaven, the I can’t explain what it can be.

I looked at Jiyong who was happily eating, then at Taemin, my mother and Nagueti, they all loved me, so much they could give their lives for me, and me, I will do the same, and now I see, now I can appreciate and treasure their love towards me. We could fight, we could have our misunderstandings, but in the end of the day, they will always be there, they will always hold my hand when I’m falling. At the end of the day, I will go back home, will go back to them.

I was back home…

Gily's Notes: Up to here!

I trully hope you guys loved this as I loved writting it. 

What I want to express in here is that, no matter what you will go through, no matter how bad your life can be, there will be a home where we can always go back to, there will always be a home where we can feel safe.

Don't forget to let to tell the people you treasure how much you love them... you don't know where you can be now, or tomorrow... 

Always love!

Stay Healthy!

Happy Reading ~

Gily ♥

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