‘Even in death’, I wonder what that meant. There’s a time in one’s life that you start to reminiscence everything that has happened in your life, your flaws, your victories, your depressions and happiness, everything. There’s a moment when you just look back at everything and smile stupidly at your life, may it be long or short.

I was no exception…

As I was nearing the end, as everything was slowly falling from my hands, my mind flew to a moment of peace, happiness and joy. I couldn’t have asked for more, but now, all my selfishness, all my suffering was hurting someone else, and I couldn’t go leaving these people feeling like this.

‘The only thing I will regret, Lee Chaerin, is the inability I have to keep you with me’ His word rang like melodic bells on my mind, a sweet melody slowly torturing my soul as I realize just one thing, I could destroy him with my own two hands and he will still smile at me and tell me how much he cared, how much he loved me.

I was selfish, I was egoistic, but worst of it, I was cruel, cruel to him, to my mother, to my brother, I was being cruel to myself. Trying to drown in my own misery only brought tears to the eyes of the people I loved, to the people I cared.

Yes, one day he will wake up alone, but he wasn’t the one who will regret it, it will be me, I will be regretting, even beyond this life, the words I once told him, the sharp and hurtful words my mouth spilled, who was I to be feeling miserable when I was the one causing misery to others? No, I don’t deserve my own self pity.

Limping, panting and even stumbling, I ran away from home, ran as fast as my body allowed me, ignoring the yells of the people around me, ignoring the voice of reason in my head. I couldn’t be there, not there when I’ve hurt those people so much.

“Chaerin!” Distant voices called nonstop as I ran into the woods, trying to hide my shameful self from them. They shouldn’t be feeling miserable anymore, not because of my dying and selfish self.

I ran until my legs gave in and I fell on the floor, crying, panting and in pain, but not even this pain could be compared to the hole of emptiness on my heart. Who was I to be feeling self pity? Who was I to be feeling miserable if my life was so perfect? Or was I perfect because I neglected their feelings? I guess I will never know, and now, with only a few weeks left, I don’t even have the time to ask them, neither the strength. I guess my brain still works perfectly, a few hours ago I couldn’t even move, and now, I was running into the woods, call it an adrenaline rush.

As the hours passed, I stayed there, contemplating the beauty of nature, meditating about everything that has been happening around me. Yeah, if my time was to be now, this would be the perfect place to have my final rest, but it wasn’t the best moment. Not now, not when all my loved ones were feeling so miserably, so sad and so hurt by my own selfish actions.

“Chaerin?” I heard a voice near me. I was so engulfed in my own thoughts that I didn’t hear the calm footsteps approaching me. I turned around slowly, scared to see the eyes of the person that was probably searching for me without any rest.

“Please don’t” I murmured as my heart slowly sank on my chest. His face, his gorgeous and perfect face was stained with tears, with sweat, his clothes were dirty and scratched, he even had some scratches around his arms.

“Why?” He simply said. That three lettered question that was always hard to answer. Why did I do it? Maybe because my burden is too heavy for me, but also to heavy for you, or maybe because I was too ashamed to face your perfect self, always there, encouraging me to keep going on, to lift me up when I fell, to hug me when I cried or kiss me when I cared. No, I have no answer for that question, so just a simple shrugging gesture could say the soundless words my soul so desperately wanted to share.

“Is it because of me?” He said while kneeling in front of me. I quickly shook my head and lowered my head. “Then why you ran away?” He asked, his broken voice a mere whisper.

“Because you’re too perfect and I’m too ed up” I simply answered. He chuckled and grabbed my hands.

“We are too ed up, it’s ‘us’ and not ‘you & I’ remember?” He said and another tear rolled down my cheeks. He was perfect, too perfect.

“Jiyong… I’m so sorry…” I said sobbing. He smiled and pulled me closer to him, my face buried on his chest. The warmth on his body gave me the comfort I needed at the moment, the protection I needed.

“I’m the one who’s sorry babe… You’re right, one day I’ll wake up and regret not giving you the peace you needed” He said. I sobbed harder realizing what I’ve just done. I’ve made him more miserably than he already is, it’s not fair.

“No Jiyong, you haven’t done anything wrong, in fact, you’ve given me the time I just needed. I’m the one who should apologize for making your life so miserable” I said. He pulled away and grabbed my face between his hands.

“Chaerin, don’t ever say that. My life’s perfect because of you, you know it. Remember the old Kwon Jiyong? The one who was always kicking everyone’s and being a perfect ? You changed him into the Kwon Jiyong I’m right now, you make me a better person, how can you even say you make me miserable?” He said. I closed my eyes and let my tears fall on his hands.

“You are what makes me perfect, you are my source of life and my source of sanity, don’t say you make me miserable” He sobbed. I opened my eyes and saw him, head low and tears falling from his precious eyes.

“Don’t cry” I whispered and cupped his left cheek on my right hand. He looked at me with small eyes, fresh tears finding their way out of those beautiful jewels of eyes.

“How can I not?” He asked. I didn’t knew what to answer or what to say, I just didn’t wanted to see him like that anymore, but how can I say it? How can I tell him not to suffer in front of me when it was crystal clear that he was breaking apart with every passing second?

I smiled and shook my head, he then pulled me closer and kissed my lips, slow, tenderly, full of love and passion. I couldn’t ask for more, I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect, more peaceful than this. He was my man, and I, I was the dying love of his life. The only thing I could only ask for was for time, time to spend with him, time to regret and fix, time to make and remember.

In that place, in that moment, it was only us, time had stopped giving us the peace we needed. In that moment, the pain didn’t matter, the tears or the misery, in just that moment, we relived the times out health, of living, of joy. In that moment, we became ‘Us’ again, in that moment, we were free, alive and happy.

“I love you babe” He whispered on my ears as his hands made love to my body. Trembling and full of bliss, I caressed his face and kissed his lips, slow and tender, longing for his love, for him.

“I love you more” I whispered back with a pleasant smile on my face. He was all I needed to feel alive and full again.

A few weeks have come by and Jiyong have never left my side. Mother allowed him to stay at our house; she said someone needed to take care of me when she wasn’t around.

I’ve already given up on my treatments; they weren’t doing any good to my body, the body that was decaying slowly but steady. I’ve been obliged to stay on bed due to the pain on my body, Jiyong wouldn’t allow me to make anything to harsh, and now, he had made me stay on bed while he did everything for me.

“It’s not fair you know?” I said with a weak voice. He smiled and handed me the food supplement I’ve been taking.

“What’s not fair?” He said sitting next to me. I slurped the supplement and smiled at him.

“That you’re doing everything for me” I said slowly getting comfortable in my sitting position. Every movement hurt like hell, and he would always be careful enough to help me without hurting me.

“You will do the same for me something, don’t stress” He said. I smiled and nodded. He would never acknowledge that my time was slowly nearing its end, and I wouldn’t even mention it, my body was speaking by itself, but he was stubborn enough to not listen, or maybe that’s his way of dealing with this.

“Jiyong, mom said that you have to go down and eat and if you don’t do it she will come up and whip your . You better do so” Taemin said entering my room. I laughed a bit and Jiyong just nodded.

“Take care of her while I eat real quick” Jiyong said then kissed my lips and left. I know why they were making him eat, he wasn’t eating by himself, and he had lost a lot of weight because of it. The once toned and fit body had become the body of a skinny and weak guy. He was depressed but he was strong enough to not show it in front of me. But I wasn’t stupid, I may be weak, I may be dying, but I wasn’t blind, I could see his suffering written all over his body, on his dark circles and skinny face, on his showing collarbone and now frail and skinny arms. I could see it on his hair, messy, growing fast and with withered, split ends. I could see.

As he left the room, Taemin sat on my side, he too has been suffering, but it wasn’t as noticeable as Jiyong’s. Dark circles around their eyes were now a trend in the people of my family, long nights without any sleep for all of them while I spent my days sleeping.

“Taemin, would you help me stand up?” I said. Taemin fidgeted for a moment but then agreed to do so. I wanted to walk a bit, my legs screamed for the exercise.

“Sure” He said and helped me stand up. I gestured him I could do it by myself, which he doubted but allowed me to walk. I exited the room and with little difficulty managed to get downstairs. I knew Taemin was following me, but I wanted to do this.

I walked towards the kitchen and heard voices inside. It’s not that I’m a noisy person, it just irked my curiosity, so I got closer without making any noises.

“Jiyong, you shouldn’t be forcing yourself so much, look at you!” Mother told him.

“I’m alright” He simply said but his voice was off, distant, tired, even sad, it hurt my heart to hear him like that.

“No Jiyong, you barely eat, barely sleep, what did the doctor told you?” Mom asked him. I widened my eyes in curiosity. What doctor was she talking about? What happened?!

“He said I was alright mom, don’t worry about me” He said. I heard some cutlery hit the counter and then an exasperate sigh of my mother.

“Jiyong, don’t lie to me! There must be a medical reason why you fainted just like that!” Mom yelled at him. I felt like dying right there.

“Alright! Jeez Jaerin, he said I was dehydrated and something about some extreme tired something” He told her. I put my weak hand on my mouth and started sobbing silently.

“You have to take care of yourself, you can’t put all your energy on my daughter, I’m grateful, but you can’t let yourself get weak like that, think about how she will feel if she finds out you are killing yourself taking care of her” Mom said. Little did she knew that I felt like dying right there.

“There’s no time” Jiyong said with a broken voice.

“I know, but there will be less if you spend your days fainting like how you’re doing now” Mom said, also with a broken voice. I lost the balance on my legs and fell, and with me, some porcelain stuffs, breaking into million pieces at my side. As I fell, unfortunately on top of the broken pieces of porcelain, my breathing became hard, I was sobbing hard, but also fighting to get some air. My noises alerted the people talking on the kitchen, and with it their presence came to my side.

“Chaerin!” Jiyong yelled and quickly came to my side to lift me up. As he grabbed my arms, I felt the world spinning in such speed my head couldn’t take it. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply without receiving any air at all. The strength he put on my arms hurt like hell, but the lack of oxygen numbed me from feeling anything.

“Oh my God Chaerin, baby!” Mom said but her voice sounded distant. I looked at her and she was crying, I took a look at Jiyong and he was stressing, crying, and going crazy.

“I’m…. I’m so… sorry…” I managed to say. I was shocking and didn’t know why.

“It’s alright baby, TAEMIN! WHERE THE ARE YOU?!” Jiyong’s distant voice said. He lifted me up and carried me outside, the bright light of the day blinding me completely.

“I’m so sorry… I’m sorry I… I caused you… pain… suffering…” I told him. Jiyong stopped and looked at me. I was feeling weak, distant, heavy.

“Don’t say that” He said. I smiled and closed my eyes nodding. “Baby don’t ing say that!” He yelled while shaking me.

“Take her to the hospital Jiyong!” Mom yelled. They carried me towards the car and drove quickly to the hospital. While we were at the road, I lost conscious of time and place, I was dreaming, sleeping, calm.

I felt people touching me, carrying me and putting stuffs on me, but everything felt like a dream, like a beautiful dream where nothing hurts, nothing gave me pain.

‘We are losing her!’ Some people yelled. I laughed at his remark, now it seemed all real, even if I was dreaming.

‘DON’T ING SAY THAT!’ Jiyong’s voice was heard through the entire place, through all my soul, my mind, my body.

“I’m alright” I said without any sound. I was alright, I was fine.

‘Please baby don’t leave me!’ Jiyong cried on top of me. I smiled and caressed his head, but everything was on my mind, I couldn’t move my body, I couldn’t even smile, I was trapped within myself.

“Come” Someone said. I felt attracted to that someone, like if everything on me depended on that only person.

Slowly, I felt myself being lifted from my spot. I felt lightweight, like I was being carried on water. I was free, no pain, no weakness, no treatment, nothing. I was free from everything I’ve been going through. I felt happy, a happiness that couldn’t be measured, couldn’t be explain.

“Now look” The voice told me. I struggled to look around but everything was dark. “Open your eyes” The voice said. I felt stupid the moment I felt my eyes opening. I was standing in a bright place. Slowly, the strong light became the normal lights of a hospital room. I looked around me and widened my eyes at the scene in front of me.

Jiyong was crying while hugging my weak and frail body on his arms. He was crying nonstop and screaming. I felt my heart slowly crumble on my chest at the scene. And just then, like if it was nothing, my mom and Taemin entered the room running and crying.

“No! CHAERIN PLEASE WAKE UP!” Jiyong screamed without any rest.

“MY BABY NO!” This time, it was my mother screaming. Taemin froze in spot, moving his head in negation as he saw the scene in front of him.

“Time of death, 3:45 pm” The nurse told the doctor. Jiyong glared at her and stood up straight and walked dangerously towards her.

“What did you just say?” He said in a menacing tone. Dr. Choi grabbed Jiyong’s shoulder and pulled him away, but Jiyong’s eyes were fixed on the nurse.

“Jiyong, you need to calm down, you need to calm down and face this” Dr. Choi told him. Jiyong then looked at him and his lips, then nodded and slapped Dr. Choi’s arms away from him.

“Bring her back” He said.

“I can’t” Dr. Choi answered him.

“BRING HER BACK YOU MOTHERING BASTARD! BRING HER BACK NOW!” Jiyong yelled. Dr. Choi inhaled and tried to put a hand on Jiyong’s shoulder but Jiyong quickly got away from him.

“Jiyong, you have to calm and realize this has just happened, you need to be strong!” This time, it was my mother. Jiyong put his hands on his head and screamed at the top of his lungs. I closed my eyes and shook my head crying.

“Please, please take me away please!” I yelled.

“I won’t live without her” Jiyong’s distant voice said. I gasped and opened my eyes. Jiyong took a surgery knife that was next to my body, Taemin ran towards him but Jiyong’s was quick on his movements.

“JIYONG STOP!” Mom yelled. I felt myself getting farther and farther away from them, and just then, Jiyong cut his throat with the knife on his hands.

“NO! GOD PLEASE NO!” Mom yelled and that was the last thing I could hear. I was now dead, away from the people I loved, dead and away from this place.

“Chaerin” I turned around and widened my eyes.

“No” was all I managed to say.