Birds flying freely, people walking by chatting and being happy, some other having little fights. Some girls texting and being all normal with their friends, now everything looked like a magical scenery for me. Even the smallest detail looked extraordinary for me now.

Taemin was taking me back to our house; I got dispatched today from the hospital, exactly three days after Jiyong left and never came back, never called or even sent anything. Exactly three days since my heart slowly died, my happiness left and every little hope within me has gone away. But I didn’t asked for him, didn’t tried to contact him myself, and never asked about him, three days, and we’ve been like strangers, like we’ve never met.

I was being selfish, but something deep inside of me was pleading me to call him, to contact him, to find out something about him. Three days and I was a zombie, walking without meaning, talking and smiling without a reason. Three days…

“Noona, want to go and buy something to eat before getting home? Anything you want?” Taemin asked. I slowly shook my head and smiled at him.

“I’m not hungry” I automatically answered. He had changed since he found out I was dying. Taemin used to be a happy and cheerful person, now, he was cold, empty, sad, even angry, he was changed. But I couldn’t complain, couldn’t say nothing because I would have been exactly the same if I was him. Exactly the same…l just like Jiyong, I would feel the same, yet I was too selfish to let him mourn, let him fight or even die, I was too selfish, I wanted to take death as my own, to take the pain as my own and no one else.

We finally arrived home, and I was expecting to see Jiyong’s car parked in front of my house, imagine my disappointment when I didn’t saw it there. I took a deep breath and open the door, slowly going out of the car. Taemin quickly went to my side and help me get out; I smiled at him and allowed him to take my weight on his body.

“You’ve grown, you’re strong enough to carry me now” I said smiling. Taemin chuckled and grabbed one of my bags with his left hand while helping me walk with his right hand, definitely showing off. I laughed as he managed to get me towards the stairs of our house.

“Stay here while I bring all the bags and lock the car” He said and walked towards the car, leaving me at the base of the stairs. I looked up, there were only six steps, I could manage. I grabbed one of the lighter bags, held tight on the handrail and started to climb the stairs. It was only two steps and I felt like I’ve climbed the Everest, out of breath and sweating.

“Allow me to help you” A voice said behind me. I froze, widened my eyes and stopped my uneven breathing. It was Jiyong, he was here, he never left, he was here. I felt my heart jumping with happiness with the sweet sound of his voice, the delicious scent of his body and the beautiful sight of his face, I could only imagine.

I slowly turned around and my heart beated faster seeing his face, his handsome and adorable face, flawless, perfect, beautiful, carved by God himself. He was my definition of perfection, a human perfection meant for me, only me. Unfortunately, my damned ego was greater that my happiness, so I did what an egoistic and selfish would have done.

“What are you doing here?” I asked with a bitter voice. I regretted every word my mouth spit, but couldn’t swallow them, couldn’t swallow my pride or ego. Jiyong smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“Even in death, you’re that selfish aren’t you?” He said walking towards my bags. When he walked forward, I saw Taemin grinning at his back. So he knew? ing bastard.

Jiyong grabbed my bags and even with my protest, he grabbed my waist and helped me go inside of my house. Jiyong was always like this, he never asked for permission, never asked for your opinion, he just did whatever he pleased, whatever he thought was right, even if it meant going against your will.

“Jiyong, I can manage” I said and struggled to get off his grip. He smiled and let me go, making me stumble a bit. Taemin grabbed my hand and help me. I frowned and glared at Jiyong.

“You said you could manage” He said and grabbed my bags. I glared at him again but he had already gone upstairs towards my room. The inside stairs weren’t only six steps, so I knew I was going to require help to go to my room. Just great.

“Chaerin! I’m glad you’re home, I was making your favorite, Italian pasta!” Mom said walking towards me. I smiled and hugged her. Dad was also home, which was pretty weird if you ask me.

“How are you child?” Dad said patting my back. I smiled and hugged him.

“I’m fine dad” I said. He looked at me with a sad expression but quickly changed it to a cheerful one. He let go of me and Taemin help me go upstairs. There, in my room, was Ji to the ing Yong, waiting for me, sitting on my bed, using my pillows and armrest, just great.

“I’ll leave you too alone, I’ll be downstairs” Taemin said. I was going to beg him to stay but Jiyong quickly stood up and grabbed my hand. He walked me towards my full size mirror and slowly took my jacket off. He was looking at my face the whole time.

As he slowly took my jacket off, all the bruises on my arms, the pale and skinny skin that was covering my body was showing off. I didn’t want to see myself in a mirror, I had been avoiding it since I started to feel weak, but now, Jiyong was making me see myself in the mirror.

“Take a look” He said and slowly took my shirt off, now showing my bare stomach. I had lost too many pounds, I was pale, all my bones were visible, and my pale skin was adorned with bruises all over my body. He traced his hand on my stomach and towards my pants. He ed my pants and slowly took them out, leaving me only with my underwear. I’ve never seen myself like this. All bruised, skinny, pale, weak, frail. I looked to the side avoiding my own reflection.

“Why are you doing this?” I said. He hugged me from behind and caressed my frail body, kissing my shoulders and neck. His touch felt warm on my cold skin, and everywhere he touched, felt alive, renewed, like he had the medicine to get me cured.

“Because you need to see what I see, you need to feel what I feel, you need to know…” He whispered on my ear, kissing my earlobes, my cheeks, caressing my chest, my stomach, my arms. He was making me love, not in bed, not , just giving me love with the small caress he was doing.

“I don’t want to see” I said.

“The world, your disease, needs to know you’re mine, even if you’re slowly decaying, you’re mine, and you’re beautiful” He said and turned me around, hugging me tight. I closed my eyes and cried on his chest as he hugged me, caressed my back and kissed my head.

“Jiyong… please don’t… please…” I said and he pulled away, but just enough to see my face, our bodies were still close.

“No Chaerin, don’t surrender, don’t give up, live fully, even if it’s for a short period, live for me” He said. I closed my eyes as he caressed my face. He then kissed my lips and slowly made me lie on my bed. He hovered over me, careful to not put too much weight on me. He kissed me deeply as he caressed my frail body, again and again caressing every small area of my body, making me love without hurting me, giving me hopes without effort, making me feel alive with just his presence.

“Jiyong… I love you…” I said almost out of breath. He smiled and slowly rested his body at my side, hugging me tight without hurting me.

“I love you more” He said caressing my stomach. Right at that moment, there was no cancer that could make me lose hopes, right at that moment, there was no pain that could make me sad, right there, he was mine and I was his, even if our bodies weren’t connected, our hearts were, and that was enough for us to feel our love for each other, it was enough to make us feel alive, loved and happy.

The next day, I woke up with Jiyong at my side, smiling on his sleep as his almost inaudible snores made its way out of his mouth. I smiled at his peaceful sleep, like a child being protected by his mother, he was there, sleeping. Slowly he opened his eyes and smiled as soon as he saw me awake.

“You’re awake? Good morning” He said with a husky voice. I smiled and nodded.

“Good morning” I said and he smiled.

“I see your voice is back to normal” He said and I nodded again. He stretched on my bed and put his arm around me. “Chaerin, what do you want to do on Christmas Vacations?” He asked. I frowned and looked at him. In that moment, just that question brought back pain and sorrow.

“Jiyong, I won’t be around for Christmas, you know that” I said. He frowned and sat up. He then looked at me and grabbed my hands.

“I have hopes Chaerin, can you just pretend you will?” He asked. I shook my head and sat up, slowly releasing his hands.

“Jiyong, ignoring or pretending will get us nowhere, will only give you more pain the moment you realize everything’s real” I said. He frowned and stood up.

“Let me believe everything’s ok Chaerin, I don’t want to live remembering we spent our last days together full of sorrow and laments” He said and grabbed some dress on my closet and tossed it towards me.

“Jiyong, I can’t pretend I’m fine when I’m not, please don’t make this worst for me” I said and he glared at me.

“What about me? Don’t I have the right to have it easy too? Is it everything about you now?” He said crossing his arms.

“I’M THE ONE DYING GODDAMIT!” I yelled.

“AND I’M THE ONE LOSING YOU! !” He yelled back and punched my wall. I started crying while he vented his anger on my walls.

“Jiyong stop, please…” I sobbed. He glared at me then sat abruptly, grabbing my hand.

“I will stop the moment you do” He said. I shook my head and glared at him.

“Is this your plan? Making me pay for every pain I gave you? Is this what you want?!” I yelled. He smiled and then stood up.

“Maybe if you feel what I’m feeling you will understand me” He said. I scoffed and stood up.

“That’s stupid” I said and entered my bathroom, slamming the door.

“Chaerin you can’t ignore me your whole life!” Jiyong yelled at the door while knocking it.

“Oh, you won’t have to wait too long, it’s only 1 month of ignoring!” I yelled back. He knocked the door hard and then left me alone. I let out a sigh and looked at myself on the mirror. Nothing had changed, yet he wants me to feel alive and happy. What sort of sick plan is he coming up with? And I’m the selfish one. I left the bathroom and saw him lying on my bed. I glared at him and crossed my arms.

“One day, Kwon Jiyong, you will wake up, alone in your bedroom and remember all of this, and you will regret it, one day, you will remember every detail of this, and you will regret it” I said and walked towards the door to exit my room.

“The only thing I will regret, Lee Chaerin, is the inability I have to keep you with me” He said and, I stopped, looked back at him, and then left the room, leaving him alone to think about everything he had said. Or was I just escaping my sick and distorted reality? Who is the selfish one? Who is being such a to give the other that kind of pain? What sort of sick game life has planned for us?