Seconds, minutes, hours, days… How long has it been? How long have I’ve been unable to move or see? Unable to talk or feel? It felt like an eternity. I could barely hear the distant voices of the people I love, or the ones I don’t know, everything felt distant, yet so close.

“I guess we could lower the sedation, she will be waking up anytime today” I hear a voice say. So I was been sedated? Why? Because I’m dying? Are they afraid I can turn violent? The one who they should be afraid is still walking, so why did they sedate me for?

“Thanks doc” Jiyong said. I guess he hasn’t left my side since I came to this state. But which state am I? There’s so many things I don’t know about, so many feelings I haven’t felt in a long time. What is going on with me?

I know my time is almost over, I can feel my decaying body screaming for a break, and now, slowly, all the pain was coming back. Is it because of the sedation? I felt like in Heaven, now Hell is slowly coming back. Why? I’m not too fond of that excruciating pain on my body, then why do I have to keep on going if I know I will die? It’s just not worth the pain and the sacrifice, it just isn’t worth it.

I’m not sure if it was quick, or hours later, but I was starting to feel my body again, and slowly, I could see, or opened my eyes, not sure. I tried moving my fingers and a tingling sensation got the best of my body. I felt like crying from happiness the moment I felt a small portion of my body move. Still, something was forbidding me from talking, like something was blocking my vocals or something.

“Chaerin?! Did you just… CHAERIN!” Jiyong yelled and as soon as he saw my face, he smiled and hugged me tight. I looked at him and tried to smile but there was something on my mouth, almost blocking my sight. I tried to move but my hands were tied, legs too. Why the was I being confined on a ing bed?!

I looked at him confused and tried to move my head to the side but that weird tube on my mouth hurt like hell within my throat, so I just stayed still. Jiyong notice my discomfort and smiled caressing my face and forehead.

“You’re intubated Chaerin ah, your lungs are not working properly so they had to give you an artificial airway, or something like that” Jiyong explained. I widened my eyes in fear and confusion. So my lungs had stopped working? What does that means?! “Stay calm baby, I’ll call a nurse to tell her you’re awake” Jiyong said panicking. I could hear a fast beeping and some alarms, a really annoying and disturbing noise if you ask me.

I move my neck forward and back and felt the tube going out a bit from my mouth. I thought, maybe not the smartest, to take it out. So I tried my best. I kept moving and the tube kept going out of my mouth. Soon, I felt short on oxygen and the tube fell from my mouth. Some other alarms kept beeping and the tube started to emit a breathing sound. I inhaled deeply and coughed, some blood came out of my mouth and, honestly, I found it a bit hard to breath, but could manage.

A bit out of breath, I tried to untie myself from bed. Thanks to Jiyong he showed me self defense and taught me out to free my hands from a situation like this, so with some great effort, I could untie my left hand. Quickly, I untied my right hand and my legs and tried to stand up. There were many cables all around me, but they weren’t stopping me anymore. Ignoring every alarm, every beep and every cable, I stood up from bed and held myself from bed. Just when I was straightening myself, Jiyong entered the room accompanied with some nurses.

“Goodness gracious! Miss Lee you absolutely can’t do that! Call the doctor!” The nurse said rushing towards me. Jiyong had his eyes wide open looking at me. The nurse grabbed my arms and tried to sit me back but I fought her.

“Don’t make me sit again!” I tried to yell but my voice sounded hoarse.

“Miss Lee, you’ve hurt yourself greatly, you have no idea in the dangers you’ve put yourself into!” The nurse said and let go of me. I straightened myself and smiled.

“I’m feeling great” I said, now my breathing was starting to get even and my dizziness was long gone.

“Chaerin, why did you… do that?” Jiyong spoke. I looked at him and smiled, the movement on my neck provoked a session of coughs, and more blood came out. “Why there’s so many blood?!” Jiyong yelled rushing towards me.

“She hurt her trachea; of course there will be blood Mr. Kwon” the nurse said, obviously annoyed. The doctor came in after and smiled looking at me.

“I see you’re out of the Ventilator, I’m glad” The doctor said and the nurse looked at him with a death glare. “Ms. Kim, you may leave, she’s alright, I’ll call you if anything” The doctor told her and she nodded, then left.

“Isn’t it dangerous for her to do that? She was on life support for ’s sake!” Jiyong said and the doctor nodded smiling.

“Watch your language young man, and yes, it is dangerous, but look at her, she’s doing fine, right Chaerin ah?” Dr. Choi asked me and I nodded. He came towards me and took out some flashlight. “Now, open your mouth wide Chaerin” He said and I did as told. He looked at my mouth with that flashlight then smiled.

“Good, now, I will touch your neck and chest a bit, you tell me where it hurts alright?” He said and I nodded. He touched my neck and it hurt a but, I flinched a bit and he smiled, then touched lower and it did hurt.

“It hurts all over” I spoke with the same hoarse voice, Dr. Choi nodded and went towards the small table and took out a pen and paper and started to write something.

“Since you pulled the tube out without deflating the cuff, it damaged your trachea and vocal cords. I will prescribe some Epinephrine for the swelling and some antibiotics to completely heal your pulmonary edema, it’s now a pneumonia, Chaerin, next time, don’t pull the damned tube out” He said then left the room. Jiyong glared at me and I shrugged.

“I hope your voice and lungs are safe, or I will strangle you” Jiyong said and sat next to me. I smiled and nodded.

“I’m feeling good, there was no need to be confined on bed” I said playing with the cables hanging from my arms. Jiyong chuckled and put his arm on my shoulders and pulled me so he could hug me.

“You scared me, I thought I was going to lose you. I was going crazy” He said. I smiled bitterly and caressed his chest.

“Ji, you will lose me… this doesn’t changes anything. I’m still dying” I said. He inhaled deeply and then let go all the air on his lungs and I felt some tears on my cheeks.

“I want to die with you. Chaerin, I will not be able to survive without you around, I tried, tried so hard to be strong, but now, everything’s slowly crumpling again. I’m not strong without you babe, I’m not” He said crying on my head, and I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. I fell back into the dark pitch of sorrow and pain, cries and sobs, heartbreak and loneliness. I couldn’t do anything, I have already surrendered, I can’t fight anymore, not even for him. I don’t have the strength to keep going, and he too is falling with me, it’s not fair, nor for him at least.

“You will find the strength…” I spoke, so low it came out as a whisper. He held me tight and then let go.

“See that? Felt that?” He said. I looked at him confused. He then grabbed my hand and held it tight, then let it go. “What about now?” He said. I shrugged and then he grabbed my face in both his hands and kissed me. Slowly, passionate, full of love, then pulled away, leaving me empty, broken, alone. I finally nodded knowing what he meant, knowing what he wanted me to feel for him.

“I’m so sorry” I spoke. He sobbed harder then did it again. This time, the kissed lasted a bit longer, more passionate and full of love, then abruptly pulled apart. I could feel his pain, his anger, his sorrow and desperation. He kissed me again, and again, pulled apart, abruptly, full of anger.

He did it four or five times in a row, and each time, we both would cry harder, would feel each other pain, and each time, I could feel myself slowly regaining more strength. He wanted me to fight, he wanted me to give him hope, so one day, we would both wake up and I would be healthy, I would be living.

“Stop!” I said when he went to kiss me again. He kept holding my face, crying hard.

“Why?! Why should I?!” He yelled crying. I shook my face and looked down.

“You’re hurting me” I said. He put our foreheads close and cried there, holding the back of my neck.

“You’re killing me” He spoke. I cried harder, almost yelling, out of breath. Yes, I was killing him, yes, I was dying, was there anything that could be changed? No, there was no hope. It was a goodbye, an eternal goodbye, an eternal sleep, an eternal slumber alone, in the darkness, and there was no use of imagining a fantasy where I was going to wake up one day being safe, alive and healthy. It was of no use fantasizing about this disease been forever gone without taking what it came to reclaim.

“There’s no use… it’s not worth it…” I said. He pulled apart and stood up. Looked back at me and then walked towards the room.

“It’s not worth it… I’m not worth it…” He said and left. With him, my heart left running, with him, my hopes left, with him, the little bit of happiness within me left. Without him, I was empty, without him, I was nothing, and he left me to learn the darkest and cruelest lesson ever…

He was feeling the same…

Gily's Notes: Hello!!

So sorry for this short update, I felt like I needed to update asap and well, this is what came out! 

LoL.

Happy Crying~

Gily ♥