“From Me to You with Love”

 Part1

“What?” Jaejoong turned his body to look at him. He shook his head and continued to stare at the latter. He reached out and brushed Jaejoong’s golden locks from his cheek and smiled.

Making love with Jaejoong triggered a delicious feeling inside him; a feeling that he couldn’t put it into words. He continued to be charmed by the beauty to the extent that he thought he was drugged but he’s not. That night had been worth all the risks and so did any other nights.

Still, the sense of something wrong overrode that warmth. A guilt. He was aware that it was wrong but he’s far from feeling regret. The thing is; he has to stop. It’s time for him to stop.

Pulling himself into a sitting position, he pushed aside the blanket and the cool morning air struck his lower part in that instant.

“Yunho-ah…what’s wrong?” Jaejoong asked; his hand’s caressing Yunho’s back gently. Yunho glanced at Jaejoong who’d risen up on one arm with a smile.

“Nothing…you can go back to sleep…I need to clean up myself and go home…” He then bent forward to kiss him lightly before he got up on his feet and headed to the bathroom fully . For a man who valued honesty in his life, his words had a distinctively dishonest ring to it.

Jaejoong watched as Yunho disappeared into the bathroom. The door closed releasing a light ‘thud’ and he dropped back flatly on the bed. He bit back the sigh of frustration and threw his gaze far out on the terrace. The dawn wasn’t far off and Yunho’s getting ready to leave despite the fact that they’re just finished with their scorching love making session just now. Its weekend and it’s not like they’re rushing to go to work or something. Yunho could have just spent a few more hours on the bed snuggling with him like he loved to, like he would always do but he’s not.

He’s being weird. And not just that; it’s weird for him to even ask whether or not they can spend more time together that day. Even if he didn’t say it, Jaejoong could tell something’s going on inside Yunho’s head. And worst; he could see what’s coming next. The bed spread crumpled within his grasp. Jaejoong closed his eyes tightly; silently preparing his heart.

*******

Yunho came out from the bathroom not long after that wearing a bathrobe. He took a quick strode to the bed only to pick up his pants that was thrown on the floor last night.

“You do know that you can tell me anything, right?” Jaejoong broke the silence.

If only it was as easy as that. He was about to say something that he didn’t want to. It required him more than just words. Inhaling deeply, Yunho sat at edge of the bed close to Jaejoong. He gave a glance first while reconsidering it.

“We have to end this…all of this…my wife started to feel suspicious…she’s been asking lots of questions lately…and I have to stop meeting you before she find out about us…I can’t risk our marriage…” He said and putting his pants on, still in the sitting position.

Jaejoong nodded.

“Okay…” He didn’t say much and just agreed with it. There’s no emotion flow out as he blurted that single word; he’s expressionless.

Yunho stopped and threw his gaze at him. He raised his brow as he studied the latter. He was expecting more than just ‘okay’.

“Are you sure? You’re fine with it?”

“What else do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know…maybe if you could put some emotion in it…and-”

“Stop you?” Jaejoong cut him off; his eyes sharp.

“You don’t expect me to cry and hold onto you, do you?”

Yunho shrugged; lost his words to respond to him. He then grabbed the pack of cigarettes on top of the drawer. He tapped the pack against his hand and drew out a long slim cigarette. 

“In case if you’re forgotten, I’m not a girl…I’m a guy, Yunho-ah…and that’s why you wanted to be with me at the first place, remember?” Jaejoong said dryly and stopped Yunho’s hand when the tip of the cigarette was about to touch his bottom lip.

“You said you wanted to stop smoking…” Jaejoong reminded him and snatched it out of Yunho’s hand; crushing it and threw it into the dustbin nearby. While his other hand tentatively travelled to the back of Yunho’s neck, pulling him down to him until their lips brushed each other.

A soft sigh emitted as Jaejoong nipped at Yunho’s lower mouth, leaving the tingle feeling of wanting more. Yunho palmed Jaejoong’s cheek, drawing him even closer as closer as they can be and deepened the kiss. The kiss enfeebled him and whatever he’s doing with Jaejoong, it’s always seems right.

Jaejoong drew away from him, letting his gaze to taunt Yunho before he brushed Yunho’s lips with his thumb.

“I can’t be there for you in the future to do this anymore. But it doesn’t mean you can continue smoking. Stop smoking and less drinking.” Jaejoong gave him a stern reminder and looked away.

“You’re a workaholic person…and those two things are not good for you…”

“Do you love me? Don’t you have any feeling toward me? Even a tiny little bit?” Yunho’s curiosity overpowered him. Jaejoong looked at him thinking that it was ridiculous.

“Don’t you think you’re being cruel to me, Yunho-ah?”

“You’re about to dump me and you asked me whether or not I love you? If I say I do, then what? You’re still going to leave me, right?”

“I…” Yunho’s eyes trailed off. His feeling weighed him down. He didn’t know what to do. His responsibility as someone else’s husband tied his hands from making a decision based on what his heart yearning for.

“If you’re going to end our relationship, I’m not going to stop you…you’re doing it to save your marriage and I can accept that…what I really feel is not important…”

*Jaejoong’s POV

It’s a lie. What I really feel is important but it shouldn’t be the reason to be in between you and your wife. I do know that my existence in your life wasn’t planned; more likely unwanted. I knew where I stand at the very beginning and I was aware that our relationship won’t last long. Sooner or later we’ll have to end it and I’ve already prepared my heart for this kind of situation. I reminded myself every single day not to get too attached to you, not to let my heart depends on you too much because you’re not mine.

You were never mine.

I knew it’s hard for you. And the least thing I could so is to smile as I bid you goodbye, so you wouldn’t notice the tears that sinking my heart.

 *******

Yunho took off his shoes lazily and slipped into the slipper. It’s still early and the house was dark with the light off. He dropped his car key into the bowl and made his way straight to his bedroom where he could find his wife; Jung Ye Jin’s sleeping alone soundlessly. He pitied her and what he’s doing behind her back was unfair. She deserved a better treatment from the man she married to.

Yunho dropped his medium size bag into the couch and took off his shirt; leaving a pants on. He sneaked into the blanket and sank his body next to Ye Jin.

“Y-Yunho?”

Yunho glanced to his wife and smiled briefly. She furrowed her eyes; probably didn’t expect to find him lying there next to her.

“You said that you’ll be away for the whole weekend…something urgent came up…”

That’s right. A lie that he made up so that he can be with Jaejoong. How can he forget about that?

“I’ve settled it and I decided to come back early…Just want to spend more times with you…” And another lie he made up to cover it up.

Ye Jin smiled. That was the good news she ever received for that month. Yunho’s workaholic and he’s rarely home. She doesn’t want to be an annoying type of wife and waits patiently for her husband to return home. She’s glad that he’s back for her and it’s even more precious to hear something like that came out from his mouth. She snuggled closely to Yunho, seeking the warmth she longed for.

Yunho’s hands awkwardly wrapped around her; granted her a kiss on her forehead and slowly tightened the hug. He was holding her but he felt lonely. He’s lying there on the same bed with her but his heart felt empty. He was looking at her but all he could see is Jaejoong’s smiling face. He was talking to her but all he could hear is the sound of Jaejoong’s voice ringing inside his head.

“What are you doing? Sleep! You need to rest! You’ve got to work tomorrow…”

“Later…just can’t get enough looking at you…”

Jaejoong pushed his nose with his finger imitating a piggy nose. He even made a sound like a pig and then made ugly faces.

“Yah~ what are you doing?”

“Making you to sleep…”

Yunho’s lips quirked into a sweet smile as he let his mind replayed those sweet moments with Jaejoong. To think that he could never feel the same way again, the tears rolled down silently. He did the justification by choosing to be with his wife but why did he feel like its wrong? No one forced him to marry her and he married her out of love but why did he feel so sad?

*******

“Don’t forget to come home early…I’ll cook something special for both of us…”

Yunho smiled softly as he’s talking with his wife on the phone. The staffs, whom happened to walk past him, greeted him with a slight bow and he returned them with curt nod.

“Cook? Since when you know how to cook?”

“Because I have nothing to do and you’re rarely at home…so I learned how to cook from Hye Lim Ahjumma…”

“Ahh…Mianhe…” That’s the only thing that he could say again and again. Ye Jin must be really lonely without him accompanying her.

Speaking about cooking skill; Jaejoong is a great cook. Yunho would always run to him whenever he said that he cook specially for him; so eager to taste it. It’s delicious and it gives him the feeling of wanting some more, yearning for more. It’s worthy of a praise. While he’s sitting at the table eating, Jaejoong would watch him right beside him – anxiously waiting for some response.

“Ahh aniya~ I’m not that good… I just can’t wait to let you try and tell how it tastes…”

“I’m sure I’d love it…” Yunho answered with a smile, even though she can’t really see it. He glanced at his wrist watch to check on the time. There’s about 1 hour and half before the office hour ends. He should rush back to his office and finish his works as fast as he could, he thought.

Taking a turn at a corner, he abruptly stopped on his track – froze. Not far from where he’s standing, he saw Jaejoong’s heading towards his direction. Like the world has stopped spinning, he could hear the sound of his heart beats; getting louder with every step Jaejoong took. Their eyes met, but the callous look Jaejoong's giving him caused his heart twinge.

Just like the two strangers who hadn’t had their first encounter yet, Jaejoong walked past him as if nothing ever happened between them before. Emotionless, no feeling attached. Only his perfume scent remained; lingering around him like it’s mocking him. He recognized that scent from the perfume he gave Jaejoong as a present on his birthday.

 “Yunho-ah?! Are you still there?”

“Y-yes…I’m still here...” Yunho’s chin quivered, the grip around his phone tightened.

“Ye Jin-ah…I’m sorry, I gotta go…see you later k…”

“Okay…bye bye…I love you…”

“I love you too…” It slipped out from his lips smoothly, more like he was obliged to say it rather than expressing what he really feels. And slowly, he lowered down his hand. Looking a bit daze and lost in his trance, Yunho’s eyes trailed off to his feet.

What happened to him? That’s what he really wanted, right? No more secret affair behind his wife’s back, no more feeling of guilt for cheating on her. No more lies to cover up his other lies. He’s back in Ye Jin’s arm, tried to be a good husband like he promised her, love her and only her.

Love?

It’s dull roaring in his ears. He loves her, right? But why he feels so empty inside? No memories of loving her surfaced. Where did they go? He closed his eyes, trying to dig it up.

But all he can see is Jaejoong’s face and the memories they created together. He remembers everything about Jaejoong. What he likes, what he hates. His smell, his gestures, the way his dimple winked as he smiles, his habit. Everything.

And what he remembers the most is the way Jaejoong makes him feel.

*******

“You can love two people at the same time, but never at the same level”

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