Kyuhyun sat back on his bed with his empty eyes looked out the window. It was not what he wanted nor expected. He ignored the knocking sound at his door, knowing Ryeowook who made the sound. He closed his eyes and made the tears fell down on his cheeks. Yes, he cried. He cried out his mistake that he lied to Donghae, again. He couldn’t forget the look on Donghae’s face when he found out his lies a few hours ago at Yesung’s apartment. He could see confusion, worries, and disappointment on Donghae’s child-like face. Even more, he couldn't forgive himself when he saw Donghae passed out.

Flashback

“Cho Kyu Hyun is right here before my nose!” Hyukjae revealed the truth to Donghae and indeed made Donghae surprised by his revelation.

Donghae could not say nor think, he felt sick and dizzy. Right before he was about to speak, he fainted. Everyone helped him immediately, except one certain person. That person was too scared to approach him since he was the one who caused the mess. That person had lied to him, Kyuhyun lied to him, again.

Hyukjae and Sungmin were taking Donghae to the hospital, but before they left, Hyukjae came to Kyuhyun. “I will not ever forget this day. I will not allow you to see him again, forever! Put it in your stupid head!”

Siwon went to Kyuhyun’s side, “Are you okay?” he asked. Ryeowook followed Siwon too, “Kyuhyun, I don't know this would turn out this way. I’m sorry.”

Kyuhyun remained silent like a statue.

“Kyuhyun, he will be fine. Donghae passed out because he was shocked.” Shindong tried to ease Kyuhyun.

“Actually, Hyukjae came here was not really a bad thing. At first, I thought it was, but when I saw you both were quarrelling, I realized it was a good thing instead. I even expected you guys would have a fight.” Kibum spoke out his thought.

“What do you exactly mean by that?” Yesung asked.

“What I mean is the fight could help Donghae in a way that it would create an extreme shock for him that is likely to help bringing his memories back.”Kibum explained his idea.

“Kyuhyun, open the door! You are not doing stupid things in there, are you?” Ryeowook shouted from outside the room. “Kyuhyun, I want to apologize to you, so please open the door.” He felt guilty from what he had done to Kyuhyun and Donghae. When he got nothing from Kyuhyun, he left Kyuhyun alone at his apartment.

Kyuhyun was not angry with Ryeowook and had no reason to do so since he was the one who brought up the idea at the first place. What he was thinking that time was Donghae. He wondered how Donghae was and how he would react when they meet each other after the incident. He was afraid that Donghae would not forgive him and hated him even more. He was scared Donghae would leave and go away from his life once more.

“Why can’t I have a happy ending story for my love life?” Kyuhyun muttered hoarsely.

***

Ryeowook had come to Kyuhyun’s apartment several times but never he saw his friend. His friend still locked himself inside his room. It made him worried a lot. Until he got a call from Sungmin and heard the news from the latter, he could see a hope for his friend. He quickly went to Kyuhyun’s room and knocked the door for the nth time that day.

“Kyuhyun, I need to talk to you about something important. Open the door now.”

No response as he expected but he believed Kyuhyun was listening to him so he continued his talk.

“Sungmin just called me and said that Hyukjae had left the hospital and will come back later on tonight. If you want to meet Donghae, you can do it now. This is your chance to fix everything.” Wooky cried.

Upon hearing Donghae’s name, it didn't take a long time for Kyuhyun to finally open the door.

“I need to go to the hospital!” Kyuhyun spoke for the first time for the last few days.  

“Sungmin sent me the address. Go, Kyuhyun-ah. I hope you can fix everything up with Donghae today.” Wooky smiled.

“But what if he doesn't want to see me?” Kyuhyun felt worry.

“You will never know if you don't try, Kyuhyun-ah.” Ryeowook tried to ease Kyuhyun’s worries.

“Yes, you are right.” Kyuhyun took his jacket and went to the hospital. He was holding a hope that Donghae would forgive his mistakes.  

Once he got the hospital, he approached Donghae’s room with so much hesitation. He was afraid Donghae would ask him to leave or even freaked out once he stepped into the room. He felt enormously scared because he knew that his life would be nothing if Donghae hated him after what he had done this time. He stood in front of the hospital room No. 139 but he didn't dare to get inside. Somehow he finally opened the door and stepped in. He couldn't describe his feels that time as he felt happy and excited for seeing his Donghae one more time but at the same time worried and scared too. Once he was inside the room, he saw Donghae stood by the window. When Donghae turned around, their eyes met one and another. They stood still and just staring at each other for a few moments.

“You came.” Donghae smiled. “I’ve been waiting for you to come. I missed you.” Donghae continued. 

“Donghae…” Kyuhyun could not hold his feelings anymore after hearing what Donghae just said.

“Let’s take a walk around the hospital. I feel bored here. I need fresh air. Would you like to give me a company?” Donghae said and before Kyuhyun could answer, he dragged him outside the room.

Kyuhyun followed Donghae from behind. He looked like a lost puppy that ready to get scolded by his master. He silently followed Donghae and waited for the talk to get started. When Donghae just kept walking and didn't look like to start the talk soon, he halted his step and broke the silence between them.

“Donghae, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Donghae stopped and turned around, facing Kyuhyun. He once again putted that smile on his face. Kyuhyun could not be deceived by Donghae’s fake smile, in which it might work to others but certainly not to him.

“You did nothing wrong. Instead, I felt relieved and glad that it was you.” Donghae looked up to the sky but shaded his eyes with his hand because of the sunlight. “I finally found Kyuhyun. I’m happy for that.”

“You know I lied to you, don't you? But you are not mad at me, Hae?” Kyuhyun felt confused and afraid.

“Yes, I know and I’m not mad at you.” Donghae answered.

“Really?”

“Yes. Perhaps it because I still see you as Cho Kyu Jhi since I still can’t remember anything about Kyuhyun even though I know he is you.”

“Donghae, will you forgive me?” Kyuhyun had a need to ensure Donghae forgave him first before he started his explanation.

“Yes, I forgive you.”

“Then, does it mean you want to come back to me as well?” Kyuhyun could feel the excitement in his words and needed the answer right away. “You said you forgave me, so does it mean you will take me and get back together again?”

“Together again?” Donghae repeated Kyuhyun’s question.

Kyuhyun immediately nodded his head.

“I thank you, Kyuhyun, for giving me so much love. You made me feel. Your love for me will never disappear. I’m not mad at you but…” Donghae paused. “I can’t take you and get back together again.” He finished his words.

Kyuhyun’s hope plummeted upon hearing Donghae’s remarks. He subconsciously approached Donghae but Donghae halted him.

“Don't approach me, Kyuhyun. I beg you.” Donghae stepped back and saw Kyuhyun had stopped his moves abruptly.

“Donghae, why? I don't get it. You still love me, I’m sure of it because I can feel it.” Kyuhyun started to panic.

“As I said earlier, your love will never disappear but as for me, I can’t even remember a thing about us.”

“But you will, Donghae. I believe you can do it!”

“I wanted to but I grew tired. I feel so tired to try it again and again.” Donghae stared at Kyuhyun with his sad eyes.

“Are you saying that you’re giving up?” Kyuhyun could not believe it happened.

“I had written everything about us, whatever happened from the past few months as well as our memories from our past. You know exactly that finding you was my priority. It was the only thing that kept me alive. Then, I found you. I’m looking at you now. I’m hearing your voice and you are standing right in front of me. It is the right time to call it a day. This is the end of my quest.” Donghae tried hardly to hold back the tears in his eyes that threated to fall.

On the other hand, the latter cried hard. Kyuhyun cried so hard.

“So you give up on me, Donghae.” Kyuhyun’s voice trembled.

“Not only I give up on you, but also I want to remove everything from our past. I want to forget you forever, Kyuhyun.”

“No, Donghae. Please, No. I’m begging you.” Kyuhyun pleaded.

“I’m sorry I can’t, Kyuhyun.”

“No, you can’t forget about me. No!”

“I love you, Kyuhyun.”

“IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU SHOULD NOT FORGET ME! YOU DON'T FORGET ME!” Kyuhyun shouted it out loud. He could no longer control his emotions.

“Kyuhyun, you know it won’t be easy for both of us. No one knows when I can remember everything about us. Staying around me will only make you tired and you will suffer a lot.” Donghae explained and his tears finally fell down.

“No, I won’t! But I know I will if you forget me, Hae.”

“Kyuhyun, I was happy. I was really happy when I was with you back then. I love you so much, Kyuhyun. I want to end this thing between us while I can still say to you that I love you. You have suffered and cried a lot because of me. You did everything for my sake. Thus I want to end this, because I don't want to see you suffering any longer. I want you to be happy.” Now Donghae cried as hard as Kyuhyun did. Both of them were suffering and in a terrible pain.

“Donghae…please…” Kyuhyun could not say anything other than pleaded.

“I don't do this because I hate you. I simply do this for your sake. It won’t be easy for me either but I will find a way to get over this.”

“I love you, Donghae. I love you so much with my whole heart. Please, stay with me, Donghae.”

“Smile for me, Kyuhyun.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Let’s part with your smile that I love most.”

“No, I don't want to. I can’t!”

“I’m sorry, Kyuhyun-ah.”

Donghae took something and pulled it out from his back pocket. Kyuhyun’s eyes went wide open seeing what Donghae held in his hand. It was a pile of papers from Donghae’s diary. He knew exactly what Donghae would do with those papers and it made him afraid.

“Those papers are from your diary, aren’t they?” Kyuhyun asked.

“Yes, they are.”

“Why did you take them out from your diary?”

Donghae sadly looked at Kyuhyun. “I do really sorry for doing this, Kyuhyun.”

“What are you apologizing for? What are you going to do with them, Hae?” Kyuhyun realized that his guess was right.

“You know this is all I have about us. Cho KyuJhi and I, or Cho Kyuhyun and I are all written here.” Donghae stopped for a while.

“Donghae, please don’t do this! Oh God, I’m begging you!”

“If this is all gone, I will forget you forever.”

“Donghae, DON’T!”

“This is it, Kyuhyun.”

“NO!!!” Kyuhyun screamed and quickly moved to Donghae to prevent him from tearing the papers but he was too late. Donghae already tore down the papers and thrown them out. Kyuhyun could only stare at the flying pieces of the papers that carried away by the wind.

Kyuhyun wanted to scream his lungs out but nothing came from his mouth. He hoped what happened that time was just a bad dream and he would wake up at anytime. Although he couldn’t believe what he saw, he knew it was real.

“Why are you like this, Hae? Why do you have to do this? If you want to forget me, just simply ask me to leave, I’ll do it for you. You don't have to do it this way.” Kyuhyun weakly said, he wanted to cry but had no energy to do so.

“I love you Kyuhyun, I truly do. It doesn’t matter you are Kyuhyun or Kyujhi. What matters is you whom I love. My love for you grows deeper each day. It makes me scared that I won’t be able to say goodbye to you properly. Therefore, I want to do it right now while I still can recognize you. This is my chance to end it all. So…Goodbye my love, Goodbye Kyuhyun.”

After he said his goodbye, Donghae slowly turned around and walked away from Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun wanted to chase him, grabbed his hand and took him away but he didn't know how to move his limbs, he was so weak. His love left him alone. Donghae didn’t want him anymore. So he cried and saw Donghae walked away, even though it was hard to do so when his sight went blur because the tears kept coming and he couldn't stop it. When he got his sight clear again, Donghae was no longer there. Kyuhyun’s hand held his chest tightly in an attempt to reduce the pain he had in his heart. It was too painful for him.

With his trembled hands, he took the pieces of Donghae’s diary scattered on the ground. He didn't know why he did that but maybe that was all he could do. Those papers used to be a part of Donghae’s life so he wanted to keep it.  He collected every single piece of them and clutched it firmly while looking at the hospital where he saw Donghae left.

“You didn't even hug me, Donghae.”

And then Kyuhyun left.

___

Meanwhile, Donghae cried as hard as Kyuhyun once he got inside his hospital room. He suffered too. He never wanted to do that but he had to because he didn't want Kyuhyun to suffer even more. His head grew dizzier, maybe because his heart was in pain, or he was lack of oxygen due to crying hard. When the pain was starting hurting him, he screamed for help but no one came. His head was getting heavier and he fell down the floor. As he kept screaming for help, he heard so many voices in his ears and saw pictures of people and scenes from his past memories. He was in an extreme pain and thought he was going to die. His memories were coming back.

“I am Kyuhyun.”

“You look cute when you smile.”

“I fell in love with him, the student from faculty of arts.”

“Lee Donghae, I love you.”

“I wanna love you forever, Kyuhyun.”

“We’ve been in a relationship for three years but we never kissed. I don't think it is wrong for me to expect it to happen now.”

“Love is about trusting the one you love, Donghae.”

“Kyuhyun, love is something that I feel, for you.”

Donghae heard Sungmin came and saw him panic. He ran and shouted for the doctor. The pain was still there but Donghae didn't feel it anymore. He went numb. He didn't care what he felt. All he cared was his memories coming back.

“Do you think I am going to you, Kyu? Whenever I touch you, you look scared and irritated. What are you afraid of, Kyu?”

“You are so dumb! You don't know anything about love, Donghae! Because if you do, you will see Kyuhyun was no longer interested on you.”

“If anyone hurts here, it is ME, NOT YOU! You know I love you, Kyuhyun, more than any creatures in this world. I always believed in you, even when Hyukjae told me about you having affair with Siwon, I didn't buy it! It was because I trusted you!”

“I simply love you, Donghae. I love you for no reason.”

“I’m mad at you. I hate you! I hate you but I love you!”

“To be born into this world and be with someone who loves me dearly, my life couldn't get better than this.”

When the doctor and nurses came, Donghae knew they took him somewhere he didn't know. He didn't even care to know after all. The memories kept playing in his mind made him not aware of his surrounding. He had stopped crying but the tears kept streaming down his cheeks. He could hear Sungmin repeatedly asked him to hold on and had his hands clutched tightly by Sungmin. However, he was more captivated by the memories inside his head.

“I know you are going to meet him again today. You told me you were busy but apparently you have time for him, huh? Isn’t that weird, Kyuhyun?”

“Love? Do you honestly expect me to believe that? Do you think I’m stupid? Everyone is willing to declare her or his love for Cho Kyuhyun because he is filthy rich! He is the sole heir of Cho Companies and you are none other than a gold digger!”

“Listen, you may think you know who Cho Kyuhyun is but actually you are far from it. First, he is an absolute heir of a very rich family. I assume you already know about this by now. Second, he paid all of your hospital expenses while you were being treated in the hospital.  Third, he had a dream of becoming a professional pianist and had several chances to achieve it but he always refused them all because of you. Also, he will live with his parents in New York. His parents will help him to achieve his dream since they have good networks there. Therefore, sooner or later he will leave you alone. He will become a great pianist and you, an ordinary student who doesn't have anything, don't deserve him!”

“I don't need you help. I have worked for two years and earned money as much as I can to pay you back! I want to pay everything you gave me. Even If I could take my heart out, the one you bought for me, and give it back to you, I would certainly do it. So that I could pay off all of my debts to you, Mr. Cho Kyuhyun.”

“If I say I am a e, do you still want me to come back?”

“I’ll do everything and anything you want me to, but not that one. I can’t be with you. We can’t be together but we can be friends.”

“If I were Lee Donghae, I would choose Kibum. But, if I were Lee Hyukjae, I would choose Kyuhyun.”

“Kyuhyun loves you so much and I hate it! He told me he would never ever love me because he already had you. You know what, he even hit me on my face. I never thought he would do that to me. He did it because of you. Its all your fault!”

“If killing me could make you satisfied, you can go ahead! But do you think by doing that, Kyuhyun would choose you and accept your love?”

Donghae closed his eyes as he felt the needle went through his vein. He then felt his body increasingly weak. His tears came once again. However, when he was about to lose his consciousness, he heard Sungmin whispered to him, “Donghae, you have to be strong.”

“My name is…Cho Kyujhi.”

“Three year ago, you actually didn’t have an accident. What actually happened was someone had tried to kill you.”

“Why did you fall in love with me, Donghae? Is it because I am good with you since I help you and all? If yes, then why are you so easy to fall in love with someone, Lee Donghae?”

“He is Cho Kyu Hyun! He is right in front of me now!” 

In his sleep, Donghae saw the pieces of his memory, his parents, his brother, his childhood memories with Hyukjae, Siwon, Sungmin, Changmin, and many other people. He also saw a person who lovingly smiling at him. That person was Cho Kyuhyun. He found him.

“Am I going to die?” Donghae muttered in his dream.

TO BE CONTINUED