I wanted to tell him something.

It’s not your fault.

Just like I held Jaebum’s hand that day at the coffee shop as he fell through his memories, I wanted to be a support to Daehyun as well. Did Daehyun still remember it like Jaebum did? Probably; and he was probably drowning himself in that guilt. The Daehyun I knew would have done exactly that.

Then again, how was I supposed to console him about something I wasn’t even supposed to know about in the first place?

But before I had a chance to say anything, school had come back again to hit me hard in the back. I moved into Himchan and Yongguk’s small apartment and before long, found myself drowning in my own life.

College didn’t come as easy as high school did. Day one began having to juggle smooching up to professors while making friends with my classmates. Sure, Himchan and Yongguk being there, playing parent (“This is Youngjae, my little brother. He’s a brilliant little genius. I’m sure you guys’ll be great friends. I have to go, but play nice you two!”) was helpful, but all too embarrassing at the same time.

Then there was the trouble with rent. Leeching off of Yongguk and Himchan didn’t sit well with me, no matter how the both of them tried to wave me off – Yongguk had even taken a leave from school to work full time at some PC room to make up for their past rent. Between my already tight schedule, I squeezed in time for work, picking up a job at the book store with decent hours and pay – they even let me study at the counter given I didn’t ignore the customers. Although it wouldn’t be nearly enough, I didn’t want to be a burden anymore.

But in doing so, a little too late, I realized I’d missed my chance.

I’d lost Daehyun.

TO: JUNG DAEHYUN
I was at the old convenience store today,
but you weren’t there. Are you sick?
Is everything alright? Message me when you have time.

Several times a day, after classes, I sat at the edge of Himchan and my shared bed, finger hovering over the ‘send’ button with Daehyun’s number typed in. It would have been so easy to call him, but I always wimped out, instead sending a message with not nearly half the words I really wanted to tell him.

I really was just a coward.

With the drive from college to our old neighborhood being at least an hour – more if there were traffic – and my lack of a driving license, meeting up with him didn’t come easy. I felt like I was losing him.

TO: JUNG DAEHYUN
You haven’t replied to any of my messages in a while.
Is something wrong? I miss talking to you.
We should meet up sometime. For old time’s sake.
Message me when you see this, alright?

And today, today was the same.

I was waiting for Himchan, so he could drive us to class, slouched over the kitchen table my chin was what propped my head up straight as I stared into my phone, just inches away from my nose.

A part of me wished that Daehyun would finally take the time to reply. It had been at least a good month since he’d last messaged me. Four since he’d last called. I was beginning to think he’d finally gotten tired of me; and the thought made my everything hurt. He was my best friend, wasn’t he?

“Himchan not out yet?”

A drowsy– and by drowsy, I mean a completely uncoordinated, tripping over everything in his way – Yongguk made his way toward me, hissing as he kicked at the leg of the kitchen chair next to me. I don’t know why he bothered force himself up each morning when he ran the night shift at his work most of the nights. He should’ve just gotten more sleep.

“Not yet, but he’ll be out soon. It’s been three hours.”

We’d often make small talk, making fun of Himchan as my brother prepared for the day’s stress. Often times, Himchan would walk in on us making fun of him, swatting at Yongguk’s head for so-called contaminating me.

Sometimes, they felt to me like what a proper mom and dad should be.

“Yah!” I could hear Himchan stomping – thank heavens we lived on the first floor – his way toward us in the kitchen over Yongguk roared in laughter, “What are you telling poor innocent Jae?” He tried to come off intimidating, he always did, but it failed, sending Yongguk to the floor, clutching his stomach in giggles.

And as always Himchan was quick to rush over, kicking Yongguk in the shoulder. (His lips inched up a little though.)

I was busy laughing at the duo (they should star in a reality program) when my phone went off, making me jump a little in surprise.

Jung Daehyun.

Hushing my supposed guardians, I pressed my phone to my ear, pleasantly surprised at the call. Daehyun almost never called without messaging me first. “Hello? Daehyun?”

“Y-Youngjae? Can you … … can you come over right now?”