thirty.

lather, rinse, repeat

I’d known it, that I could never get my happily ever after.

I wasn’t nearly perfect enough for it.

My eyes were too small, ears too low, and cheeks too chubby. My skin wasn’t a pale, glistening white, nor was it a deep tan. I definitely wasn’t skinny and my bodily proportions only read of a past full of battles lost against hunger.

I knew I would never get my fairy tale ending. I was foolish in thinking that if I tried hard enough, I could be as pretty as I wanted. I was wrong. I couldn’t have been any more wrong.

“Youngjae, let me finish.”

His eyes were screwed together, brows pinched to a point at the center in a look I could only describe as pity. All that he felt for me was pity; pity for the idiot who thought he could overcome the barrior between us. Maybe Jiyeon had been right all those years ago. He had been fooling with me this whole time. But even like this, he looked perfect – a look I would never be able to accomplish (he really did belong with Jiyeon in the end).

No, I didn’t want to listen after all. “No, don’t.”

I closed my eyes, squeezing them together in hopeless wills to keep from meeting his eyes. If I saw him, I wasn’t sure if I could continue to reject him. If I saw him now, I was almost positive I would melt once more into his eyes. I’d play the part of the fool again.

“Youngjae, just listen to me, please.”

He was begging me. Lim Jaebum never begged. Not to anyone, especially not me.

Whimpering, I pressed the palms of my hands to my ears, shaking my head. I didn’t want to hear a thing. I didn’t want to hear about how much he loved Jiyeon. How I’d only been a play thing to pass time.

I wanted to remain ignorant.

“I love you, I really do.” His hands were over mine as Jaebum whispered this to me, fingers prying at my hands, trying to get me to listen. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen Youngjae. I don’t want to lose you, just hear me out this once. Please.”

“No. No, no, no, no, no.” I whimpered, chanting the words in rushed sentences, each word growing in pitch until I was practically screaming this. I wanted to get out of here.

His hands were all over me, tugging me into his warmth, making me melt into his chest. I was stupid. I knew better than to want this. I should have been running. I should leave.

“I’m sorry, I really am. I love you, I really do.” I wanted nothing but to believe his words; they sounded real to me (or maybe it was just my mind that wanted to believe they were real). “More than Jiyeon, more than anyone else.”

More than Jiyeon.

I gasped out a sob, unfurling myself to grasp desperately at his shirt, burying my face into his chest weakly. Jaebum had set to placing light pats on my back, pressing his kisses to the back of my neck in reassurance. I felt happy, even if just for that second. I was in Jaebum’s arms again. He wasn’t mad at me. He wasn’t upset.

Everything felt right in the world.

And that was my mistake. I’d unknowingly lowered my guard again.

“Break up with her. Please.”

Please.

“I can’t.”

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soy_latte
#1
Chapter 52: I was so surprised when I reached the end! I was so eager to read the next chapter and bam. The end.
Wow but you actually took time to write about the whole back stories it's nice, thank you.
I enjoyed reading this story.
soy_latte
#2
Chapter 38: It's adorable, only one is missing from that cute friend-fam :)
AquaMarina
#3
Chapter 53: Wow this is a really fantastic story! The way it was written was so personal, touching and heartbreaking. I really felt Youngjae' anxiety and issues throughout the story. I like how you've left some parts of the plot ambiguous and up to our interpretation, I think it makes the story all the more interesting and definitely leads a food for thought
Thank you for writing such a beautiful fic!
yeolaf #4
Chapter 53: what....... this is so beautiful :(
why i just found this now :(
daehyun life really a mess more than youngjae life but theres he always beside youngjae really hope youngjae will ready for dae~
and poor baby jongup :( how can he be so angel

i really like your plot and how you conected the caracters ~
thanks for writing this one of best fanfic i ever read hehehe~
LoveBabyCass #5
Chapter 53: Nooh i need DaeJae and BangHim to happen! How could u do this to me?! Hmp! (I still like u a lot tho but i'm taking back what i initially thought of giving u chocolates! Haha!)
chonyallie
#6
((and sorry if i just read it like 2 years after this fic was completed! i'm glad i found this amazing fic, honestly.))
chonyallie
#7
THIS IS SO BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN MY HEART LITERALLY CANT TAKE IT.
i really want to hug the self-struggling youngjae and thank god daehyun's there to force him to eat--even though he'll throw it up later. i know jaebum is actually a good person but i cant help hating him when he shows up after a major interaction between daejae. HAHA
aND HIMCHAN. da best sidekick, literally. i want to have an older brother like himchan, but well, i have my own older brother irl.
jongup, poor jongup. it's not actually daehyun's fault as it's actually daehyun's fault. HAHA you get me? anyways, daehyun doesn't kill him and i hope he doesn't blame it on himself more about it.
but overall i really love how you write youngjae's feelings, how he feels so hideous and those angst-suicidal things youngjae's feeling, and then his development with daehyun's help, to become a less insecure youngjae even though he still is. i love your choice of words on those beauty, health, and pretty kind of stuffs and the one sided thing youngjae has with jaebum-- i really love this story in general.

*i just need another extra, seriously. i need to read them when youngjae is finally ready, and daehyun is there to hold him for real, and they'll be in each other's arms for forever. AAAH I NEED IT.

ps actually when i just reached 10+ chapters i was still thinking that i was reading about got7's youngjae. OMG. and then daehyun went out and i'll be like. what. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH. but daejae is one of my ultimate ships too, so--.
thanks for writing this whole beautiful and inspiring piece, and have a wonderful week! <3 sorry for the long comment.
DaeJaeLover
#8
Chapter 53: Although I didn't like how little of himself Youngjae was thinking and and what he made himself to go through, I still really liked how you wrote this fanfiction, the development of the story and its characters and bromance(s)!
And I know I'm very late. It's just... Although I had your story in my list for a really long time, I found time to read it only yesterday, but I got so into the story that I finished it in less than 2 days ^-^
P.S. I had to delete and repost my previous comment edited, because I saw the links the moment I opened the story in my computer. I don't know if you saw it or not before I deleted it, but I'm still sorry if I bothered you.
jiroyayoi
#9
Chapter 51: i love the bromance feel, no y , just mild kiss and the your choice of diction is beautiful.
This is so good after some hours reading much M rated daejae ;w;

and I never thought dae approached jae for himchan. they had little moment but im curious how it would turn out.
I'm gonna read your other works (:
mizotasu
#10
Chapter 53: I must be honest, I was a little surprised at the way you wrote this story. Your characters were written so well and every flaw or habbit which you wrote about without explanation of what secrets it kept made me think deeply of an answer. The story was so catchy and it got my attention so intense and deep, I just had to read it all in one go. (Although it's 2am now and I have to wake at 6:30) I could already tell from the start Jaebum was suddenly going to get interested with YJ just because of Daehyun. Since bap's lawsuit, it's been Daehyun all the while who surprised me the most of how strong he is and works towards his dream while (i don't want to sound insulting) Youngjae is probably searching for support and comfort with his mist trusting persons, who probably one of them is his brother. Thank you for this! This might sound weird but your story made me think a bit of how important it is to stay strong and believe in yourself. I'm actually a pretty smiley girl while going through ty stuff and health which is dropping to a zero, but still smiling as if being proud of a non existent thing. While a friend of mine is going through something I went through when I was young, and it's practically breaking him, I feel sorry for him, but I wish I could give him some of my strength of keeping up. Welp sorry for my long comment. Long story short; your story moved me, and there's no need to feel insecurities if you ever had some because your writing is really great ^-^