eighteen.
lather, rinse, repeat“I thought I told you I don’t want you hanging around Daehyun anymore.”
I sighed. It had been near forever and a day since Jaebum and I had last gone on a date, and this was the first topic he opted to choose. I had worked hard to lose weight, again returning to the comfort of being able to see my bones. I had thought he’d compliment me, telling me I’d done a good job winning against my battle with hunger.
“Sorry,” but it wasn’t my fault, “it’s hard to stay away from him when he’s in my class.”
‘Excuses.’ I knew that was what he wanted to say by the thin line his lips pressed to. And I knew it was an excuse too. If I had tried hard enough, I knew I could do as Jaebum wanted me to. I could erase Daehyun from my life if I wanted to. But I didn’t. I liked Daehyun. I didn’t want him to go away.
Was I selfish in thinking I could have both of them instead of one?
“Forgive me?” I tried out a smile for him, curling my arms around his, “I haven’t seen you in forever. I don’t want to fight with you.” That wasn’t a lie. I didn’t want to fight with Jaebum.
Because back then, I had thought that the worst that could happen to me, was a petty little argument that could be resolved with a sweet bat of the eyes. It was nice back when Jaebum could smile and kiss all my worries away. In growing from middle school, I had thought that Jiyeon’s past warnings had fallen short.
I thought I could perhaps have my happily ever after.
“Of course,” his kisses were sweet and chaste, loving and warm, “you know I can’t stay mad at you.”
Those days, when it felt like I was floating in heaven, were my best of days. Spending Saturday afternoons, ignoring my homework, curled up in Jaebum’s arms were the best of my life. I couldn’t have ever asked for more.
I can only now wish that I could have remained ignorant for just a little longer.
Because maybe then, I could have been ready for my heart to break again.
“Jaebummie!” I don’t know had been worse, being faced with the girl who had brought upon my worst of memories or hearing her address Jaebum as so. “Jaebummie, is that you?”
I wanted to hurl.
Jaebum pushed me away then, face flushing a paint pink and pulling out of my arm’s reach in one quick snap, leaving me open mouthed and hanging as Jiyeon approached, that sickly smile leading her and her posse toward us. “Oh, is that you Youngjae?” Her words were sweet, but they scared me anyways. She’d always scared me. “It’s been so long, I didn’t you know and my Jaebummie still kept in contact.”
Two years and four months too late, I realized that my whole relationship had been nothing but a sick lie.
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