Chapter 10. No Other Way

I let him in the place I called home— I let him in my life once more.

That night I gave myself to him again, over and over again I would give myself to him. Despite the past, despite everything I’ve been through. I made myself believe that this time, this time it would be different. I could see it, most especially, I could feel it.

He was no longer the boy who repeatedly broke my heart before.

Now he is the man whom I loved with all my heart and my whole being.

I knew this time it would last. I knew this time that this chance I have given us both would lead us to that place where I wanted us to be a long time ago.

The succeeding days were better. All his reservations were lessened now that we were ‘officially’ dating. Although he was still being very careful but I could see that he was trying so hard to get to me more than the other days. And what I love most is that he could never seem to get close enough— I love that, like we were making up after all those times that we were apart.

But there was this distance— the distance I was creating and the distance he was respecting.

I could not understand myself sometimes when I just suddenly want to pull away and run as far as I can. Those were the moments when he would be holding me so tight, kissing me gently, telling me he loved me over and over again like a chant. I would close my eyes until his voice would bring me to the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind until I would be jolted back into that same incomprehensible pain. I would pull back—pull away.

The first time it happened I was cuddled in his arms my skin warmed by his as I was falling back into reality. I felt his soft lips on my temple, I smiled when he whispered, “I love you.” I closed my eyes willing for sleep to take over but a memory flashed into me. The strong force made me sit up, grab the sheets to cover myself. I inched away, looking around the bed as if finding an escape route.

“Hyun, what’s wrong?” He asked worried and confused at my own confusion.

“Nothing, I—“ I muttered, confused myself. I hurried to the toilet then and locked myself inside. When I emerged moments later, he didn’t ask any questions, he just laid there beside me without even closing the gap I made between us. He gave me that space I needed. He gave me that time I wanted. Until I moved closer to him that he pulled me in so tight and kissed me.

“I’m sorry—“

I sighed cutting him off, “No, don’t say it… I don’t want to hear it.”

That was not the only time he attempted to apologize, maybe for what he thought he did wrong, maybe for the wrong things he did before. And I was always quick to stop him. I didn’t want to hear it, it was painful for me. It was reminding me of the past. It was telling me how real everything was— our past was real and I didn’t want it to be real.

I decided to be with him this time but I wanted everything to be new. Like our past did not happen at all. It was crazy but that made it less painful. I guess I could never move on from the past— only that I wanted him—

Only that, I loved him.

And then there were the women— I could not really tell him to stay away from any other female around him because it was plain stupid. Although I was plainly paranoid I could not just tell him to do something about this doubt inside me. Thankfully, he had taken the drift. He casually invited me to a farewell party they were throwing for a retiree in their team. There, he introduced me to his co-workers. There he got all the from his co-workers since they said they never heard of him dating, they even secretly thought he was gay. I realized then that he was not really close to his female co-workers when I got to talk to them while he was hanging out with the guys. They said he was typically standoffish and merely polite around them that they even wondered how I ended up with him. I told them we were college sweethearts and that we just got back together lately. That gave them enough explanation not to probe too much.

But clients were a different matter altogether. Oppa is as charming as they come. I learned that it was a trick of their trade, I saw it happen when his team was pitching for an account with a female executive I knew. When she heard that my boyfriend was on the account, she told me she would feel better if oppa would get it but I had to come to the meetings. He pulled me in the corner and looked me in the eyes and spoke gently but with much determination.

“This is just a job,” he said. I grabbed him by the shirt and kissed him.

I needed that reassurance.

He worked his magic. He was smart, energetic, charming to a fault—magnetizing.

I was on the same field as he is so I knew how it worked. I knew but it didn’t stop that little tinge of pain and doubt from appearing. What if I was not there?

That was all I could think about.

But I left it alone because it was what I wanted. I wanted to be with him and I should it all up and just be with this man.

But it was never enough— I created my own demon. I made my own hell.

~~~

I was out for an early lunch with some of my friends from work when a familiar couple walked in when we were just about to leave. I told my friends to go ahead without me. I knew that woman he was with— the daughter of his boss. She graduated a year ahead of me at the university. One of those he confessed her dated in the past. The dizzying feeling of déjà vu rushed into me. It was so familiar.

But surprisingly, I was calm— appearing calm.

My gaze dropped on the remaining vegetable on my plate but I could see them by my periphery. I smiled, for the past months that we have been together everything seemed to just have fallen into place. I knew I was in love with him and it was something I could not escape from.

And he loved me too. I couldn’t deny that. If it was any consolation to my past younger miserable self, I could still see how he was struggling to reconcile with the past. Every day I could see his attempt to redeem himself from the sins he made. I appreciated that and I couldn’t understand why I was still there— why I was putting myself on that kind of ordeal.

By my periphery, I noticed that she saw me and I knew any moment from then he would walk to me. And he did. I was nervous, stupid for me to stay here when I didn’t really know how to deal with it. He stopped right on my side and was about to kiss me when I tilted my