MYUNGSOO

Is it fate?

I keep on thinking about it over and over again. How things went. How everything seems nothing but a dream. How I keep on asking myself if you're the one.

Yet I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you. I'm afraid that I don't deserve you.

I'm nothing but a coward.

I was always ridiculed by my father if I'm gay or something, because ever since I was a kid, I never really showed interests to girls. I am the type who stays inside the house and doesn't really play a lot. He always says that it's not normal. I must have a girl I want since I'm already in my teenage years. I just ignore him, thinking he's just being pushy about it. To be honest, I don't put too much thought on it because I'm focusing more on the thing I like the most: Photography.

But what if I tell him about you? Would he believe me?

If I myself can't tell you how I feel about you.

I still remember that day, when it changed my life for the better. Or is it? I'm not really sure. What I can be sure of is that I'm happy and I'll hold on it forever.

My father decided to take me to the festival one night. It was some kind of a Japanese style festival, as I see it. I was 14 then, and I wasn't really fond of these kind of things. Everything seems loud, noisy. From the sounds coming from the mini concert, to the loud chattering of people around me. I don't know why he brought me here all of a sudden, since he clearly knew I don't like things like these. But I'm guessing he's doing this to distract me from something I clearly know: My parents decided to divorce.

To be honest, it's not a big news to me. Every night, I can hear them argue. At times, I can hear some shattering of glass. I suppose it's my mother. And those things keep me from sleeping, because the rest of the night I'll be crying alone in my room.

The cause must be something big, since my mom is greatly affected. And to think that she cannot keep herself from breaking down yet she's a quiet, collected person.

Was it a third party? Money? Or is it about me?

If you'll ask me if I'm sad about it, I'll hesitate to say yes, and I'll probably say no. Seeing things now, it's better for them to separate than to keep things like how they were the past 6 months.

I'm used to it anyway.

My father probably would talk about it to me now. But I don't know what he's thinking at all. Does he think I can be distracted by thousands of people at this festival when I can see him with his troubled face on? I may be biased to my mother, but I love him too. And I don't think I can stand feeling his troubled heart and not able to help them.

But to think about it, maybe he's trying to distract himself. Yet the both of us knew that it isn't helping at all.

"Dad, why don't you try this?" I say as I hand him a a fish net made of paper and bamboo sticks. The objective of the game is to catch as many fish as you can with the fish net.

"Why don't you compete with me, eh?" He hands me my own fish net, and I nod.

He tried first, and because he let the fish net soak in the water for too long, it broke. I laughed at his defeated expression. I tried to catch some fish too, and thinking I succeeded catching one, I forgot to put it immediately into the basket. And the same thing happened to me. The fish jumped into the pool again and my net broke.

"Would you like to try again?" I asked but he already stood up and fixed his shirt.

"It isn't that fun. Why don't we try that one?" He points at another stall and I nod.

A lot of people starts to crowd the place. I think it was a big hit, huh? I don't really enjoy this type of place but I think it's quite fun. Though it might have been more enjoyable if mom's here with us, and if my dad's in a good mood.

Maybe I want to go back here again. I want to feel the energy of the people, and share good vibes with them. It's something new to me, and I think I want to feel it again.

And something in this place makes my heart unstable. I can feel that it's something that draws me near to it. It's like if I ever find what that 'something' is, my heart can be at peace again.

But honestly, I like how my heart races like this. Will I still look for it and keep it?

I brought my camera with me, so that I can capture this memorable night. It's not everyday to have our city organize festivals like this. I've been taking pictures a little while when my dad warned me to keep it so I can enjoy it by actually doing things, not taking pictures of people enjoying it. Maybe he isn't aware of the fact that I enjoy it better than what he suggested.

"People's happiness is my happiness too." I said. "Why not capture them, right?"

After sometime, I can see my father's emotions lighten up. He's like a kid who's enjoying this festival. Good to know it affects him this much. At least he can tell me things in a calm composure.

I took a picture of him looking up at the sky. He looks calm and collected. It was nice. I'll keep it in my photobook.

"It's good, isn't it?" He asks me as I chew on my own takoyaki and made a thumbs up sign. This one's the same recipe as the one in Osaka, though I would still like to eat one from Osaka itself. It's good, really. I ask for more mayonnaise, and then we walked towards the mini concert.

A famous all-girls band is performing onstage. People crowd around the stage. Some were waving their banners in the air, some were taking pictures, and others were just enjoying the music by jumping and singing along with the girls. Their music is good, though. But it isn't my type of music.

We were standing far from the stage. I looked at my dad to see him enjoying the show.

"Would you like to roam around?" He asks me. I nod. "Go. I'll stay here for a moment."

I went to the places we haven't checked yet. There were photobooths, henna tattoos, souvenirs, and more food stalls. I see some people wearing kimonos or something; Japanese traditional clothings. "They're really into it, huh?" I tell myself.

It gets more interesting the more I go further the place. It's more quiet here, maybe because it's more hidden and it's kind of hard to access. I took pictures of interesting stuffs here, like those weird stuffs some booths sell (I saw an exotic booth and they sell wallets made of frog's skin. It does look like frogs too!). The view from here is nice, too.

"The hanabi display from here is splendid. Let's watch it from here, okay?." An ahjumma said.

"Hanabi?" Another ahjumma asked her.

"It's fireworks in Japanese."

"Ah. What time will it start?"

"At midnight. It's quarter to 12:00 a.m now. Let stay, okay?"

Hm, I think I have to tell my dad about that. I want to watch fireworks display with him.

I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer. Considering how loud it is, he couldn't hear his ringtone. I think I should just go back there and watch the fireworks there instead. Though I really want to watch it here.

Before I can even move my feet, a loud sound made me look up at the sky. There, at the dark, vast sky, scattered thousands of particles to create a beautiful formation of colors. Another set of fireworks filled the sky, and another, and another.

And before it ends, I want to take a photo of it to remember how beautiful this night is.

*SNAP*

And at that, my heart started to beat rapidly again.

I was about to look at the photo when my dad put his arm around my shoulder.

"Hey kid! Enjoying the night, hm?" He said and he looked up at the sky again. I did the same, for I know it won't last that long.

The hanabi display is over, and so is our night.

My dad suggested to ride the bus, but I insisted I want to walk. He doesn't really mind. I know he thinks it's better to walk too, so we can talk about it better. He isn't the type to walk a lot. Unlike me, I love walking a lot.

"About your mother..." He starts, and I stayed quiet.

"I caught her having an affair." He sighed. I know there're a lot of things he wants to say.

"The thing is, I also am. For the past 6 months, we were staying together just for your sake, Myungsoo." He says.

"Aish, why am I telling you things like these?" He mutters to himself.

"Go ahead, Dad. I'll understand." And with that, he looks at me, and tells me the whole story.

He said it isn't about who started it first, because they both felt like the love they used to share slowly fade and one day, they just felt like it disappeared. That they don't feel the same way again. And because of me, it really is hard to make a move about this, and so they thought the best thing to do is hide it from me. But of course, they didn't succeed at that.

"I know this is hard for you, son." I can see his eyes shine a little with the help of the moon, and now that I realized it, he's in the verge of crying. Something I never witnessed before. "But your mom says she wants you to stay with me for the time being. We're moving to a new place tomorrow, so pack your things."

"Is it because I'll see her differently now? Is that why she doesn't like me to stay with her? Because she disappointed me?"

He sighed. "Yes."

"By the time we arrived, I know she won't be there anymore. Please tell her I still love her, that I understand. Will you promise me that, Dad?"

And at that moment, my father was crying hard, but he managed to nod his head.

I hugged him tight and said, "I love you too, Dad. And I understand."

I let him cry until he said we should continue to walk again. I just wish he cried all of his emotions out, because I think it'll be hard for him to sleep with heavy burdens in his heart.

---

I packed my clothes the moment we arrived home. I wouldn't have enough sleep because of all the happenings, and because it's already 3:00 a.m then, so I just viewed all of my photos again, thinking it could make me sleepy.

They were nice. I think my skills are improving the more I devote myself into photography.

I laugh at the frog wallets again. It's really weird but I like it, so I bought one for myself. I don't think my father will like one though.

I reached the end of today's photos and the last photo I captured was the one I haven't reviewed.

"It was the hanabi display" I muttered.

And the weird sensation in my chest got the best of me again.

In that photo was the crowd of people and the hanabi. And out of the crowd, a masked girl was looking at my camera. I think the moment she turned her head around is the moment I captured this. She was wearing her school uniform and she's holding a blue balloon. Her structure looks young.

"I like her" I say without even thinking about it.

But after hearing the words I spoke, I shake my head to disagree.

"No no no. Am I crazy? Why would I like her? She's just a stranger. I can't be inlove with her. No."

Inlove? Inlove?

Yes, all of the things I said were lies and yes, I'm inlove with a stranger.

With a beautiful, masked stranger.