I don't even know why I ended up here. Partially because of the way he kissed my protest away. The way the kiss was urgent, begging for an entrance, not just to dominate my tongue, but my sense. The kiss slowly consumed me in whole, beseeching me to let go, to harmonize with him. Possibly, it was because seeing him again clouded all my sense, brought my heartbeat into an erratic dance. Maybe it was because he was a memorable character in my past, someone I feared to remember for the heartache I'll receive.

But here I am, clothed in my glistening skin, the breeze from the balcony brushes my hair. The tears fall endlessly, I've succumb to him, he conquered me. His raven hair falls over his unblemished face, a face so angelic to the public. But no, he's a diabolical sinner, and here I am, under his wing. I have the urge to caress his face, to shower him with endless love, to promise him, give him everything.

How could I? I'm frustrated with my own feelings, should I curse him for bringing deceitful longing into my sense? Belittle myself for allowing him to consume the sanity I maintained? Or as I am now, cooed into his arms. I'm unable to will myself to leave, the warmth of his torso tempts me to stay and forget the guilt tugging in my heart.



"Sunny?" A vaguely familiar voice asked from the market's produce section. Lee Sunny abruptly turned to follow the masculine voice, and there he was, eyes flashing in shock, pain, anger before being replaced with the loving eyes he'd wear before he'd whisper those three words. It was too overwhelming, across the alias was Song Joongki, it was definitely him stripped off his superstar clothing, nevertheless he still looked handsome. His almost translucent skin complimented the sight blush on the apples of his cheeks caused by today's harsh winds. His frame was more build, and worst of all, he possessed the longing in his voice.

And to think I'll never cross paths with him again.


Two people, fell in love. Why did they break up? It's a repetitive cycle in life, only a handful actually have a fairytale ending. Why? Because some people just can't be together. Because people love at the wrong time. Because the love was illicit to begin with..  Because he and I were selfish, too in love to give up, but both aware we were unable to compromise.

There was a love affair, he and I were both unfair. He wanted to be someone, an eye of the public, of course I encouraged him, a talented boy to peruse his dream. He's truly inspiring, a beautiful boy who's modest, loving, and flawed. Yet he was able to charm me.

He cheated me with his dream, and I cheated him with mine. Isn't it ironic how two people can be so in love yet so selfish with each other? He will always dream for himself, and I'll dream for mine. Maybe it wasn't our time. Was it possible for us to be in love and cheat each other?

It's not that he didn't understand me, he supported be in achieving a simple career, to be teacher. In contrast, he sought to shine, show all of Asia, even the world the amazing voice he was blessed with.

Maybe it was only a phrase, to be helplessly in love with someone to the point you're willing to give up everything. But Joongki and I, we couldn't do that. We were too independent, it's a surprise we lasted. We lived two separate lives, we headed two different paths. Yet at the end of the day, he would passionately remind me of his love.

But it had to end. How could you have the feeling of not wanting to let go but having no power to hold on?

As he signed a contract, I worked my of getting my masters. The role of the supportive girlfriend was unfulfilled, I was absent during the peak of his fame. How can he hold that against me, when he too wasn't able to witness mine?

We grew apart. Became distant, became two different people, until one day, the hectic schedules forbid us any communication. And you know what's worst? Deep in my heart, I know we both stopped tiring, we both gave up. Like a flower planted with love and care, the stems just grew apart and shine on their own.

Foolish, a tear is rolling down my cheek. Flash backs of our cherished memories fill the heart I've numbed.

Years without contact, he's still able to cause the restricting pain in my chest, reminding me of the heartache my love caused. "Joongki."

Without hesitation, he was I immediately by my side and dragging me out of the market. He only stopped to fetch the keys to his white Audi car and hastily shoved me in. I was too overwhelmed to even utter a single word other than his name-- as if it's too shocking to cope with.

Joongki didn't whisper a trace of a word, he raced through the streets, avoiding any red lights. The duo reached an a small, ramshackle apartment in the outskirts of the city. Joongki opened, nearly knocked down the cheap wooden door and pushed Sunny to the dusted beige couch.

Joongki was fuming in anger, resentment, he had so much to say, yet he was unable to form words for the feeling was in effable. He was frustrated, how could she? How could she just leave!

Sunny tore her gaze of Joongki who was posted in the corner of the worn out wallpaper. This was were they lived.. Before his fame, before her career. He kept this home? The mismatched furniture was unmoved, dusting in age. The second hand tv was still above the wooden desk parallel to the couch she harbored. This was all they could afford, with Joongki's job as a part time waiter and part time singer at the local pub. This was all they could afford with her services at the prep school she worked at. This was the proof of two young people who were deeply in love living together.. Until Joongki replaced the kitchen utensils with store bought ones, there were no more second hand microwaves. The payment he received in his breakout debut was enough to have them reside at a more lavish home in the city. But she refused.. It was the female insecurities and her independence, his controlling and the overwhelming change that occurred in his personality--it cause the downfall in their relationship.

And day by day, her clothes were replaced by Joongki's gifts, as if it was suited to change her, to make her pleasing to the public. It caused a spur of arguments, until it all piled up and they'd dig each other's graves and slap it into each other's faces. They weren't in love, they fell apart. Day by day, her clothes would disappear into her luggage. His schedules was unable to compromise with her internship. Dinner together no longer happened. They grew apart, and she said her goodbyes.

Was she the coward to give up? Or was it because Sunny didn't want to feel Pain?

Although she numbed herself, the pain came, a slap of reality would hit her, gash her pitiful heart everytime she saw him in billboards, television, simply every where.

"Lee Sunny." Joongki called  to her huskily, his eyes were on fire, illuminating the dim light from the flickering lap.

"Joongki." it hadn't registered to her that those were the only words they've said to each other. But it was more of a confirmation, as if they were both in flesh, real. Not just one of their imaginations in the scenario of "What If's they fantasized.

"Why did you leave? Where the hell did you go?" Suddenly he was hovering over me, preventing me from bolting out of his grasp.
I'm not afraid of Joongki, but it was too shocking to say anything. A blink of an eye, his lips crushed mine, the whole world was spinning.. I tried to resist, pushing him away, but he ignored my protests. I bit the bottom of his delicate lip, yet he only plunged his tongue into my cave. And slowly, the vehement punches were replaced by yearning hands, my fingers pulling his hair--closer, closer to me.

Although it's cliche, it felt like it was just me and him, Joongki and Sunny--like before.

The hungry kisses turned into urgent ravishing of my neck, shirts falling in unkempt paths as  he pushed me into our old bedroom. It was dark, but the room, it still held the same presence--the same feeling in where we'd make passionate love at night.

The covers were pulled out, our bodies were tangling in hopes for a release. As if we didn't have to say anything, we--I just knew, I wanted him to take me at that moment.

"Sunny!" He groaned and collapsed on top of me. The breeze from the ajar window acted like a lullaby, making us fall into each other's arms. "Don't leave." I heard him whisper.

Does a kiss really change everything? The passionate night we shared, does it resemble a new chapter in our lives? Like some sort of understanding?

How could I be here? How could I want to be here when I know I don't belong? The sunlight from the window reflected the modest diamond ring on my left ringer, another slap in reality, another stab in my heart.

Joongki's warmth was so inviting, tempting me to stay--drop my entire life just to resume what we had. But isn't that the past? I choose to begin a new.. And here I am visiting the past, it's okay to look back, but definitely not the place to stay..

I tried to slip out of Joongki's grasp on my waist. I'd be unsuccessful with his dead weight grip, and he'd stir to wake. A sagacious woman ice told me, if I wake up with a smile, I'll have a good day. I woke up to what felt like an eternity ago,  content in Joongki's arms--just before flashbacks of last night, our love, what we had settled into my sanity to give me this ineffable feeling. This is so wrong, but I have the urge to stay. Why do good things have to be so bad, why do bad things have to so good?

I willed myself to be detached from his comforting torso. Oh Song Joongki. One last look at his angelic face, he's no face of Helen to launch a thousand ships, but he's comparable to a beauty. His sleek raven hair unkempt, the bedsheets tease me by exposing is muscular chest where his tattoo is unscripted.

I broke away from gazing at him,  I'd tempt me to stay, just little bit longer. The wind brushes to my skin, I struggle to make decision in the corner of the bed. If I stay I'm risking my heart, questions fill me. What if it doesn't work again? He didn't even ask me, give me an explanation, he just dove into a kiss.

I slowly adjusted to my jeans and now button-less blouse. There's that diamond ring shining brightly, flashing it's natural light in mockery. I picked up my heels near the lamppost, taking my time to cherish that it was reality-- Joongki is sleeping in our old bed. In this house. Where we both lived, both dreamed--together. I just never thought we'd end up separately.. Like this, misunderstood, unacknowledged.

The heels are on, time to bolt out of the door, go on with my life, do I return this diamond ring to the man who I was supposed to be last night? Or be selfish, and seek his unconditional love and comfort?


"Where the hell are you going?" Joongki's voice started me, has he been watching the entire time? His eyes gazed into mine intently, even from distance, they burn like charcoals, searching my soul.


"What am I supposed to say Joongki?"


"Give me an explanation." He challenged. What was I supposed to say? Was it not obvious we clearly fell apart?

"Did you even chase after me?" I shot back. Part of me, had hope, in that he would find me and everything would just be okay.


"How could I? You abandoned me."


I laughed bitterly, a sour morning it has become. Maybe if I didn't take the time to memorize his face earlier, the confrontation would never have come. "Isn't this proof? This house--our home. We abandoned it, the dreams we had together. We just fell apart. You know it too."

His eye brows furrowed, a forlorn expression castes over his striking features. "What are we supposed to do?"

All the questions we had through the years were unanswered, that simple obvious question simply was able to drive me insane. What are we supposed to do? As if he was trying to compromise, remind me of what we had.

"What the hell did I do?" I waved my left had, the diamond weighing a ton the moment I was it register in his eyes. His chocolate brown orbs were replaced to dark slits, forlorn eyes. What the hell am I supposed to do?

"You're getting married?"

"Yeah, I'm getting married next month." For to declare that simple statement was a harsh reality--for both of us. The simple statement rolling out of my tongue reminds me I belong to someone else, not an old lover.

"Does this meaning I'm supposed to give up?" Joongki approached me, holding the stained bedsheets by his inviting hips.


"We gave up a long time ago, I think it's time to let go."


"No!" He shouted, I've never seen Joongki look so uncomposed. He strutted over my direction and forcefully yank my hand. He looked intently at the ring, minutes tickled by but his gaze never left my fingers, he was processing the entire thing. He met my gaze, searching my eyes for the love we once had. And in that moment, I was Kim Joongki, broken--by me. He whispered my name repeatedly, begging me to tell him it's all a lie. "Don't say goodbye." He yearned, reaching over to caress my cheek. Instead of the loving effect, I just felt guilt as his fingers lingered on me. I wasn't supposed to be here.

I've come to a conclusion. "Joongki-ah." I called for his attention, fearing my own words. "Joongki.."

Don’t say goodbye
geu soneul notji mallaneun maeumi deullyeoyo
geudae mami deullyeoyo ojik namaneul wonhajyo
geudaen sumgil su eoptjyo geudaen geojitmareul mothajyo


"No." He chanted, he felt onto me tighter, cooing me. "I won’t allow it – your lie of wanting to let go." What I've waited for years ago only come now, at rhe time when I'm able to be free.. To love again? "Look in my eyes and tell me that It's not…it’s not the truth." Did he will for me to repeat those crude words?

"Don’t say goodbye, don’t leave me now." Joongki begged, flashbacks of the time they shared--the time they spent there at that very place replayed in his head. "The promises we’ve shared is everything to me."


"Joongki, we both went with our own lives, we drifted away and dreamt separately." My hands ached to return his embrace, it's heartbreaking, to see glistening tears cascade down his features.


Don’t Say Goodbye
geu soneul notji mallaneun maeumi deullyeoyo
geudae mami deullyeoyo sesangi deung deullyeodo himdeun sarangirado
You are my love, you are my soul



"Don’t say goodbye, you are my everything to me." He whispered, beseeched for my presence.

Joongki wished for a right, right to claim her, but how could he, when his existence was reduced to nothing. "What am I to you?"

eopseottdeon ilcheoreom oneuri ddo jinamyeon
seoro mameul notji anhgo modu igyeonaegettjyo


The tone of his voice tore the strong facade Sunny maintained.  A lone tear drop escaped from her eyes, followed my another and another, a flood of tears fell through her porcelain skin. "You were my love, my soul. I will, I will-- always love you." She confessed, the hidden emotions surfaced and she clung onto Joongki's chiseled chest. "I'm sorry, I have to say good--"


"Don’t say goodbye, you are the only one for me." He whispered, burying his head at the crook of her neck. "As if nothing has happened, let it pass. Let’s not let go of each other, and we’ll make it through." He urged for her courage to love him once more, for he won't give up this time. He tried to restore their fate, as he thought a second chance would be beautiful. Much sweeter. "Cause you are my everything to me."

Cause you are my everything to me

"You were everything to me." Sunny finally returned his embrace, filled herself with his scent, memorize his striking features.. One last time. "But, it's different now. You held my heart, for years when we were together even after we separated. You're not the person who holds it anymore."

No he's not. I truly did love him. But I had to love myself, I had a foresight of our future--together. But that image vanished, faded away with the love with shared. Time, faded it away. I was able to love again, trust a man and let him see my vulnerabilities, unfortunately it's not Joongki. I'd love to be in love with him, I once had. I wouldn't be in this position if I hadn't. And maybe this is proof. That I did love him, I will always love him, but I love another man.  My love for Joongki is intense, passionate, full of vehement desire. Yet we were selfish, and it led go our destruction.

"You're letting go?" The question was more of a statement. He withdrew from my grasp and faced me with some understanding.

"We have to let go." I nodded, assuring him--myself that this is in favor of each other. "I will always love you Joongki. You were everything to me."

Joongki looked at me expressionless before bitter understanding twisted his features. "I'm sorry." He held my hand, pulling me into his arms once more. "I'm sorry for not trying. I'm sorry for giving up. I'm sorry for everything."

"You're the love of my life. We had a great love, a greedy love, it was beautiful, colorful. We loved, yet we were so inconsiderate. You can't say we didn't try." I informed him, somewhat trying to make it easy for the both of us. "It was a great love, but now we have to go with the right love." Sometimes love can be so wrong, ironically that's why the heart is at our left side, it's not always right.

We parted hesitantly before looking deep into each other's eyes. It's going to be okay. Joongki and I are finally having our closure. "Don't say good bye. I don't want to hear those words." He said in hopes to end on a better note. He wasn't asking me to stay, but those words would be a permanent detachment.

A small smile escaped the corners of my lips, still the same Joongki. "I'll see you around. I always see you on TV anyways."

"Don't forget that you didn't choose me." He joked, attempting to see the light in a farewell. Of course he'll never be forgotten-- a man I gave my whole self to.


"I had you." I turned to the hallway, I heard his foot steps trailing from behind. It felt like eternity until I reached the wooden door and it's rusting doorknob.

And this was it, a beginning to a new life were we can both go on.  For we have come to a closure, admit our faults. The minding questions through the past years were answered. This is to fully letting go, no more pondering about what could have happened, what should have happened. This is to allowing each other to love again.

"Saranghae." A ghostly whisper cut the silent journey we made to the door-- the door of freedom, of leaving our relationship behind. I turned the knob and looked back to see the sincerity in his eyes. The words I've wanted to here years ago finally rolled out of tongue. Thank You for the reminder that this is what I'm choosing to leave behind.

"I love you too." I stepped out of the house, his hopeful expression vanishing. Atleast he smiled, I saw through the bitter facade, I wore the same.