Will you be my girlfriend?

Together forever.

I’ll always be right here.

I love you.

Baby, I’m sorry…

--

            “Ah!” Hye Jin cried, scrambling out of her bed in fright. Her eyes darted around her room, glazed over with paranoia. Hugging herself tightly, she cautiously sat down on her bed and stared at the blank wall in front of her.

            It was only just a nightmare, she sighed, falling back on her bed. Staring at the stucco ceiling, her eyes traced swirling patterns along the bumps and ridges, her mind wandering a similar path. An image of herself and Kris crossed her mind and she shivered in displeasure.

            Her dreams, no, her nightmares of Kris became more frequent ever since he kissed her at opening night. They were haunting, painful. Honestly, she would rather have lucid dreams and know that everything she saw was just her imagination. Beats waking up in cold sweat, panicked and wondering whether what she had seen was the truth or not.

            And she definitely didn’t want any of it to be true. Getting back together with Kris would only turn her back into the naïve girl she once was. Always relying on other people to make decisions for her, she wanted to stay away from that.

            But, she couldn’t deny the fact that his kiss brought back good memories as well. Their dates, anniversaries, parties, firsts – she recalled them all. And, frighteningly, she couldn’t help but feel hopeful of a relationship. She saw the pros of rekindling what they had back in high school. He knew her quirks and qualms, her habits and preferences. Rather than learning about new things, they would just continue right where they left off.

            That’s not what I want though, right? If we get back together, he will only hurt me. But he has changed though. He’s trying to mend our relationship, isn’t he? That effort is worth the recognition. Ugh, what am I supposed to do now? Sighing heavily, she turned to her radio clock and checked the time. Four in the morning already. Might as well get up now. She dragged her body off the mattress and stumbled over to her bathroom. Taking a quick shower, she bundled herself up in a hoodie and some sweats and headed into her kitchen.

            Early dawn light illuminated the room, casting a blue hue over the kitchen as Hye Jin shuffled through her cold flat with a shiver. She manoeuvred her way through her cluttered floors with ease and brought out the things to make a cup of coffee. Stirring in the cream, she took her cup to the couch, shifting over to make room for Marty on the seat. He settled himself down, laying his head on her lap and returning back to his land of slumber in a few breaths.

            Hye Jin absentmindedly his fur, sipping her coffee as she gazed out her balcony door. She watched as the sky gradually lit up, transitioning from pale blue scattered with wisps of translucent clouds, to clear cerulean skies. The sun rose slowly, casting an orange light from the horizon as it peeked over the edge. It spilled its bright colours across the silent city as it drew higher into the sky, washing everything out with a gradient of orange to blue in its ascent.

            Contrasting colours, blue and orange…yet, they compliment each other so well, kind of like Kris and I...wait, what am I thinking?!

            Startled, Hye Jin flinched at the sound of her alarm. It wailed from within her room, slicing through the silence with its effective, yet annoying, trills. Shifting Marty’s head, Hye Jin trudged over to the kitchen and rinsed out her cup, setting it on the rack before going to her room to get ready for her classes, the thought of contrasting and complimentary objects still lingering on her mind.

--

            Hye Jin glanced behind her, quickly locking eyes with Luhan just before her cue to go on stage. His warm eyes greeted hers, embracing her in its depths of comfort that she relished in every night before entering her despair. She smiled at him with a calm breath and turned around, entering the stage with the confidence gained from his silent support. Though, it quickly subsided the second she felt Kris’ hands on her shoulders and his lips roughly molded against her own.

            Why is he doing this to me? He knows we’ll never work out and that I don’t want him back. I hate him, I know I do. But, why does a part of me enjoy this feeling of being in his arms again? What is wrong with me?

            Struggling out of his grip, Hye Jin fell to the floor to ending the scene along with her torment. The stage lights turned off and the curtain came down, giving the crew enough time to clear the set and bring in another. Hye Jin pushed herself up and shuffled over to Luhan, silently burying her face into the front of his shirt like she had been doing the past few nights. His arms automatically wrapped around her as he rested his chin on her head.

            “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, circling her arms around his torso and squeezing lightly. The words slipped out before she could even process her thoughts, like a reflex developed over time. Luhan hummed in reply and rubbed her back. Hye Jin burrowed herself further into his chest and choked out another apology. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…” She pulled away from him, looking up at him with guilty, rueful eyes. What was she even apologizing for? She hadn’t a clue. But, she felt like she supposed to tell him, that she needed to tell him those words.

            Luhan only smiled at her and shook his head. “There’s nothing to apologize for, Hye Jin.” He unwound her arms and grabbed her hand, taking her to the dressing room since they were done for the night. She quietly followed along, a frown still etched on her face. He turned back and sighed at her expression. He stopped and leaned down, poking her forehead. “Stop frowning. You’re going to get wrinkles.”

            “But…I’m sorry,” she apologized again, looking down with a pout. He sighed and hugged her gently.

            “I know, and you’re forgiven for whatever you’ve been apologizing for, okay? Stop sulking, please? It hurts…” he whispered, kissing the top of her head. He held her for a few more seconds before he pulled away and led her backstage.

--

            Another day, another show, another kiss. The restaurant was humming with conversation, yet one table in particular was quiet. They sat across from each other, Luhan and Hye Jin, both picking at the food on their plates. With the show later that night, the duo decided to get an early dinner and relax a bit, though Hye Jin had other plans.           

            “Hey, what’s wrong? You’ve been quiet since we left the school.” Luhan reached over the table and gently took Hye Jin’s hand in his. She flinched at the contact and lowered her gaze, picking at the napkin in her lap to avoid his questioning eyes. Raising his eyebrow confusedly, he tugged on her index finger and prodded her foot with his own. “I know something’s bothering you. What is it? Tell me...please…” he whispered, feeling just as bothered as she was even though he knew not what for.

            Hye Jin looked up, startled by the anxiety in his voice. She searched his eyes, easily reading them like an open book. Drowned in worry and confusion, he was puzzled and somewhat scared by her sudden change in behavior. What was bothering her so much?

            “Hye Jin…”

            She looked away and pulled her hand out of his, folding them on her lap silently. His eyes grew wide as he stuttered to find the right words, surprised by her sudden actions. Sullenly, he looked away and slowly pulled back his hand, evidently hurt by her gesture. Luckily, she picked up on it right away.

            Reaching forward, she hooked her index finger onto his little finger. “I’m sorry…”

            “You’ve been saying that a lot recently, but you never actually tell me the reason why,” Luhan huffed and tugged at his hand. She held on tight and looked down, shaking her head silently. “Seriously, what’s going on? Why do you keep apologizing to me? Even though I forgive you each time, it would be nice to know what I’m actually forgiving you for.”

            Hye Jin winced at his words, glancing at him for a second before looking back down at her lap. She had never seen him so angry before and it scared her. Seeing the stern frown on his face, it was odd, abnormal. He was always smiling even though he was hurt or upset.

            Now I’ve done it. He’s angry because of me. Why do I always have to go and screw everything up? Drawing a deep breath, Hye Jin tilted her head up and looked him in the eyes. She had to explain everything now or risk her friendship with Luhan.

            Yet, she didn’t know where to start. Why was she apologizing to him in the first place? Clearly, guilt was nagging at her, but exactly what for? Was it because she felt like she was cheating on him? Or was it because she felt guilty for enjoying the kisses Kris gave her?

            Well, she thought, it can’t possibly be the cheating thing since Luhan and I are dating. We're not in a relationship…yet. And it can’t be the latter because I don’t like Kris or his kisses. I don't like him like that. Not anymore. She drew a breath to calm down and tilted her head up hesitantly. Luhan was staring right back at her, waiting for her explanation with a slightly annoyed expression plastered on his face.

            “Everything is just so confusing, Luhan. I don’t know where to start…”

            “Okay, then I’ll ask you a few questions and you just answer me truthfully.” Luhan waited for her agreement before firing his first question. “What are you apologizing for?”

            Hye Jin sighed, “That’s a hard question…” She paused to think things through and sort out her words. There were two possible answers, but she didn’t know which one was the exact cause. Either way, guilt was her core factor. “I guess I’ve been feeling guilty?” she mumbled. Her reply came out as more of a question than a statement, but Luhan accepted it anyway because it was a start.

            “Okay, so you feel guilty. Why do you feel guilty?” he asked, wiggling his pinkie in her grip to urge her on.

            “Well, it’s not just one thing that makes me feel guilty. Rather, there seems to be two reasons for it.”  She stopped and looked up at him as if she was waiting for him to answer her problems for her. He nodded encouragingly to her, telling her to keep going. “Um, yeah, two reasons. I guess the first reason would be that I felt like I was…um…” she stuttered and shifted her eyes, a light blush tinting her cheeks. She fiddled with the napkin in her lap and cleared , but didn’t continue her thought.

            Luhan raised a brow at her and shifted his pinkie again, trying to gain her attention. “You felt like you were what? What is it? Hye Jin-ah, we won’t get through this if you don’t explain.” Hye Jin pouted and let out an exasperated sigh before turning to him with determined eyes.

            “The reason was because I felt like I was cheating on you.” She held his blank stare confidently, but her cheeks reddened nonetheless. She continued rambling, “Every time Kris kissed me, it felt like I was being unfaithful to you. I know, I know. You must be thinking ‘But we’re not even in a relationship, Hye Jin.’ And you’re right; we’ve only been on some dates. But, I can’t help it. My conscience constantly nags at me about it. And I, I…” She dropped her gaze and stopped talking, too embarrassed and confused to continue on. Mentally scolding herself, she knocked on her head lightly with a pout.

            A light chuckle from across the table brought her back to reality. Luhan covered his mouth with his free hand, stifling another chuckle. His eyes gleamed mischievously before he broke out into full laughter, covering his eyes to wipe away his tears.

            “I’m glad you find amusement in my despairs,” Hye Jin grumbled, loosening her grip on his finger. Luhan didn’t let her pull away though. In fact, he held her hand, intertwining their fingers as he lowered his hand from his face.

            “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. But, I couldn’t help it.” He grinned. Hye Jin looked at him, puzzled. “Wow, I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.”

            “What?” Now she was really confused.

            “I should’ve asked this earlier, but I was too much of a coward to do so. Now that I know what you’ve been feeling and going through, I can ask this confidently.” He squeezed her hand and smiled. “Hye Jin, will you be my girlfriend?”

            Hye Jin stared at him wide eyed and slacked jaw. “I-I...what?”

            “Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked again. She hesitated, listing out the pros and cons of accepting his confession. Luhan could see the gears turning in her head and intercepted her thoughts. “You’re probably thinking you’ll feel even more guilty if you accept because then we’d be official. But, you shouldn’t worry about that. In fact, you should be assured that I’ll be there to back you up, to support you. I won’t be jealous of Kris because there would be nothing to be jealous of. You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours. Nothing will come between us, not even Kris.”

            Hye Jin nodded warily, still very uncertain about her decision. She wanted to accept it; there was no doubt about that. But she was too scared of what would happen if she did. Kris was a physical and emotional threat. As long as he was around, Hye Jin knew that he would meddle in her life.

            “So…”

            “So…” Hye Jin repeated. Luhan raised an eyebrow at her and squeezed her hand, patiently waiting for her answer. She looked down at her plate and counted everything twice over before her heart and thoughts calmed down enough for her to give him an answer. “Um…Yes?”

            “Yes?”

            “Yes.”

            Luhan leaned forward with a grin and brought her hand up to his lips, kissing her lightly on the back of her hand before cheering silently. Hye Jin chuckled at his reaction and blushed a deep red, turning her head away from the stares he was attracting. Seeing her discomfort, Luhan quickly tugged her up, gathered their things and paid for their dinner. Dragging her out of the restaurant, he wrapped his scarf around her neck hastily before grabbing hold of her hand once again.

            They strolled through the brightly lit streets, glancing into each store front as they walked by. With a few hours left before the show, they decided to hang around the city before going back to school to get ready. Luhan kept a firm grip on Hye Jin’s hand, never once letting go despite it being near deserted because of the cold.

            “So, you’ve told me one reason already, what was the other? You said there were two, right?” Luhan led them to the park and found plenty of empty benches to occupy. They settled down on the cold seat, snuggling up to each other to keep themselves warm. With an arm draped over her shoulder, his other hand found hers and he held on tight, hugging her close as she rested her head against his chest.

            Hye Jin sighed, leaning into his jacket. “The second reason…the reason I felt guilty was because I…” She stopped and took a deep breath before whispering, “I actually enjoyed his kisses.”

            Luhan’s breath caught in his throat for a split second before he coughed to clear it out. He gently rubbed her shoulder and kissed her temple. “It’s okay,” he murmured.

            She shook her head. “No, it’s not okay. I shouldn’t have felt that way. I shouldn’t have liked it as much as I did. It’s not right.”

            “Hye Jin, it’s all right. It’s a natural reaction. Besides, we’re only human. Who doesn’t like being kissed?” He hugged her close and let her ponder the thought. He felt her relaxing just a little bit and felt her nod thoughtfully against his chest.

            “Thanks for not judging me.”

            He shook his head and tilted her head up to meet his eyes. “There’s nothing to judge. Like I said, we’re only human.” He smiled and softly kissed her forehead. “Besides, if you enjoyed his kisses, mine would probably blow your mind.”

            “Luhan!”

--

            “Okay, I can do this. There’s nothing to be worried about,” Hye Jin muttered under her breath, trying to convince herself that everything was going to be fine. But she knew she wasn’t going to be fine. She could already feel her muscles seizing, tensing up in anticipation and fear of what was going to happen on stage.

            He was going to kiss her- that much she knew. What she was afraid of was not Kris himself, but her own emotions. How was she going to react? Would she shy away from it this time, or would she take pleasure in it like all the other times? Now that their relationship was official, would she feel even more guilt towards Luhan? Was she going to self destruct now that there was a new factor added into the equation?

            “Hey, relax. Everything will be just fine.” Luhan hugged Hye Jin from behind and rested his head on her shoulder. She reached up and cupped his cheek, turning to give him a peck on the temple.

            “I hope so.” She dropped her hand and held onto his arms around her waist. “I just don’t know what to feel once he…you know…” she sighed, leaning her head against his. “Actually, I’m scared of what to feel. I shouldn’t like it, obviously, but what if I do?”

            Luhan straightened up and turned her around in his arms. “If you do, you do. It’s an emotion you just can’t help but feel,” he whispered in reassurance. He knew she was feeling conflicted about everything and that those thoughts wouldn’t go away until after the production ended. So until then, he could only give her encouraging words and hope for the best.

            “I guess. Anyway, I’ll be right back.” She slipped out of his arms, not forgetting to give him a peck on the cheek before sauntering onto the stage. Luhan wrung his hands anxiously as the scene played out, painfully dreading the moment Kris would swoop in and take her lips. He wanted to look away, but he just couldn’t. His jealousy and anger wouldn’t let him.

            The stage turned black and the curtains came down. He heard fabric dragging across the floor and knew she was coming to him. Holding out his arms, he waited for her to join him and didn’t have to wait long before she ran into him. Her familiar scent drifted to his nose and he inhaled deeply, his jealously instantly subsiding.

            “I’m sorry,” she mumbled those familiar words against his chest.

            “It’s okay. It’s all right,” he easily forgave her. “Like I said, there’s nothing for you to feel sorry about.”