Define hate. Dictionary says, it is to dislike intensely or passionately, detest, hatred.

This is the meaning of hate and I knew it because this is what I clearly feel for you. I hate you, I hate you with all my heart. I really hate you Bang Cheolyoung a.k.a Mir.

So why?

Why am I feeling different from what the dictionary states? Is the dictionary wrong or it’s just my heart that feels wrong?

I first met him when I was 7. The moment we met we just clicked and became best friends instantly. He even had an endearment for us, he called me baby bowl and himself as poopie because he said that toilet bowl and poop can’t be separated, I laughed hard at that but then I became curious as to why am I the bowl and his the filthy poop so I asked him.

“Why are you the poop not me?”

He just smiled then said, “You’re too beautiful to become the poop.”

And that was the first time I felt sparks throughout my body but I just ignored it. I didn’t know that time that those sparks will lead to something called love.

We were 18 the first time I realized that I love him not just a friend but something more. Of course I didn’t tell him because I’m contended on what we were. Best friends, we will be forever and I will do nothing to ruin our 11 years of friendship. I will always stay by his side.

19 years old, the time that he announced to the whole campus that he has a girlfriend. The name is Jiyeon by the way, I didn’t like her from the beginning because of her attitude and obviously she doesn’t like me, she thought I’m a threat to her popularity so when Cheolyoung said to me that he has a crush on her I was completely dumbfounded. After that I disliked her even more. Well it’s just a petty crush so I just shrugged it.

So I was really flabbergasted, I thought that he just have a little crush on her, I didn’t know that he loves her that much to make him his girlfriend. I knew Cheolyoung, he will never make someone his girlfriend if he doesn’t love her so much.

Darn it.

19 years old. That’s the first time my heart broke like broken lenses. First time I felt an indescribable pain.

It hurts.....but I still loved him.

Stupid right?

“I’m happy for them”. That’s what I always said to myself every time I see them. We were 20 years old and I’m one of the witnesses who saw them happily celebrating their first anniversary. They were being congratulated by everyone and I just meekly said, “I’m happy for you.” With a smile of course.

I thought Cheolyoung will be happy after I said those disgusting words but I didn’t expect the opposite. He became kind of upset and he ignored me the whole time. Well maybe because I said too little, but what can I say? It hurts to say something more, I might kill myself.

The whole party all I did was drink, drink and drink because that time I didn’t want to see the happy faces of the couple especially Cheolyoung’s. So I drank until I faint.

The next morning I found myself on my room, lying on my bed and beside me is Cheolyoung sitting on the floor staring at me. I was ready to ask him how I’ve gotten home but then he beat me to it and he’s question made me want the floor to eat me alive.

“Do you love me?” he said staring at me, his eyes making holes on my head.

I didn’t know what to say so I just stay quiet.

“Baby bowl you love me right?” there was demand in his tone of voice when he said that and that’s the first time I heard him like that so I courageously answered him.

“Y-yes....” I answered him with my eyes closed then I heard footsteps and click of a door. The moment I opened my eyes Cheolyoung is not at my side anymore. That time I felt that our whole relationship is ruined because of me. He hated me for sure.

I felt restless and can’t sleep that night. So the next morning I decided to visit his apartment, I was determined to make things right so I will tell him a lie, that I didn’t love him and it’s just a joke. I brought all my courage with me and bravely knocked on his door. I was already practicing in my mind what to tell him when the door opened then greeted him with my best smile. But my smile faded right away at the sight that I saw.

Jiyeon in a bathrobe and Cheolyeong sleeping........ on his bed.

I felt like slapping her with all my might but then her words slapped me first.

“Oh you’re here. I just wanted to tell you that he doesn’t love you back. He was really upset with you last night so I comforted him with this” she pointed her body.

I was frozen in my spot never taking my eyes off on the sleeping Cheolyoung on the bed.

“Didn’t you hear me? He doesn’t love you, so don’t go around ruining someone else’s relationship!” then she closed the door in front of my face.

20 years old. The second time I felt the pain. The first time I felt heaven’s closing on me and hell’s welcoming me.

It hurts.........this time I don’t feel any love anymore. All I feel is hatred.

For my entire life this is the first time I wished we’ve never met. I hate you.

I hate you Bang Cheolyoung.

21 years old. No more baby bowl and poopie but just the mere me. Since that incident happened I haven’t spoken to Cheolyoung. He kept on calling me but I just ignored it all the time. Even at school I don’t even meet eyes with him. Then I suddenly heard the news that Cheolyoung and Jiyeon broke up. Before that incident I should be celebrating right now but after it happened I only feel nothing. There’s no happiness but disgust on myself just thinking how I acted like a love struck puppy towards him before.

There is only hatred in my heart.

Hate. Hate. Hate.

I was 22 years old when all the calling stop. Maybe he gave up on pranking me of his calls.

Then on the spring of my 22 years of life I heard the news of Cheolyoung leaving for America to study literature. I suddenly remembered that we shared the same dream...becoming a writer. The thought of sharing the same dream with him makes me want to puke and eat dirt. That’s how I hate him. I didn’t even feel sadness when I heard the news that he was leaving.

I really don’t care about him anymore.

I was 25 years old, a writer and being extremely happy with my life, a life without Cheolyoung. But then again fate has its cruel way on playing stupid tricks on you because our new editor in chief is no other than Bang Cheolyoung. Why? Because our last editor in chief resigned and left to follow her lover abroad. It is stupid right? Why follow someone when you have the best position all the writers dreamed of?

 Ridiculous if I must say.

Now I’m stuck with the stupid jerk called Cheolyoung whom is by the way called as Mir in the office as he preferred. Conceited....well poop is the only nice name for a jerk like him.

Everyday is hell for me. He always rejected my synopsis, my drafts. Even the works that I confidently knew that was beautiful was rejected by him. For goodness sake I was the best writer on that whole building!

He even demanded me to stay overnight with him and think of nice new ideas for the latest work that has to be presented to the board.

Why me!

But every time he'll offer a sweet smile only just for me. He will help me when I feel pressured on work. He even forced me to let him take me home everyday.

I hate him....but why am I feeling this way?

Now I am 27 years old, it’s two years now and I’m still working with him. As the days passed I don’t know what to feel anymore. Do I still feel hate? Why is it that when I remind myself that I hate Bang Cheolyoung his sweet smile will suddenly appear. This is unfair. I hate him but all I see is his sweet smile.

Then suddenly this Joon guy appeared. Oh if you’re wondering his the new guy in the company and is a co-author on my latest projcect. He is a very sweet guy and really love writing. I like him.

After he came Cheolyoung’s level of being a jerk rises. From the past two years I thought that he became sweet but now he’s acting all grumpy over me. There’s a time that I’m walking with Joon laughing with him then Cheolyoung bumped me and said,

 “You’re a flirt” with a pout. How dare him say that! He even pouted, what a baby. But then again my heart beat rapidly inside me. Why? Why again am I feeling this way? I hate him right? Ugh I don’t know what to think anymore....

“I think I have feelings for you..” suddenly Joon said to me while working overtime with him. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say. He’s just a special friend to me and a brother at that. What will I say? How will I respond.

“So what’s your answer?” I heard him speak so I didn’t have a choice but to tell him what I feel.

“Joon.... I.. umm” but before I finished my sentence someone grabbed my arm and possessively embraced me.

“She’s mine” a menacing voice said and even if my eyes are closed I can tell who it is....

“Cheolyoung” I said in a whisper.

He pulled me and left the dumbfounded Joon. All I can say is I terribly feel sorry for him for making him hang there.

As Cheolyoung’s pulling me I busiedmyself on taking his hand off of my arm not noticing that we were already on the rooftop of the building, finally he let go of my arm.

“WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?” I asked shouting at Cheolyoung.

“YOU ARE MY PROBLEM!” he countered back with a louder voice

My blood boiled inside because I don’t see why I am the cause of his stupid tantrum. “WHAT? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”

“YOU’RE FLIRTING WITH THAT IDIOT AGAIN!” he shouted back.

What the hell! So what if I’m flirting but clearly am not, why does he care? What am I to him? He is really self-centered, he wants all the attention to himself.

“WHY!? ARE YOU JEALOUS!?” I just had the irked to ask him that question even if I clearly know that he is not because he’s just self-centered.

“.......” he just stayed quiet, eyes widened. So I repeated the question clearly amused but now without shouting.

“Are you jealous poopie?” i suddenly blurted out my nickname for him and I mentally smacked myself.

His eyes widened again and do I see his cheeks reddening? But then he suddenly fixed his eyes on me and is like determined to say something.

“So what if I am?” he said with his firm voice.

“Wh-what? Impossible..” I stuttered.

“I’m serious” he said still fixing his gazed on me. I averted my eyes on him not taking the pressure anymore.

“You don’t love me and I know it, I exactly know it” I said again.

“I love you” he confessed.

“Liar” I said barely a whisper.

“I love you” he said again now loud and firm. That’s when the entire dam that I held inside broken loose.

“LIAR! I SAW YOU WITH HER THAT MORNING! ! “ I shouted at him.

“A-after I c-confessed t-to you, why?” I asked him while I loosely punched him on his chest.

“W-why? How could you do this to me?” I was ready to leave when he spoke halting me.

“Nothing happened to us that night, trust me..” he said.

“Then why did I saw you in bed?” I asked the obvious.

“I was drunk, and clearly that was just Jiyeon stunt of making you stay away from me” on his tone of voice saying his ex’s name distaste can be clearly heard.

Stay away from him? Why does Jiyeon need me to stay away from him when she’s the one he love? So I asked curious. “Why do I need to stay away from you?”

“Because you are the one that I love from the start” my heart skipped a beat and let him continue.

“Remember when we were just 19? I announced that I have a girlfriend and that girl is Jiyeon whom I said I had a crush before. All of it was planned and I ask her to be my fake girlfriend to get you. Because obviously you are too dense to notice that I have loved you for a long time so I made you jealous but obviously all of it was a fail.” I think my heart was about to explode because of his confession. I silently listen to him and enjoyed his confession.

“Everyday I tried to get some reaction from you but even on our first anniversary I can’t even read what’s on your mind that’s why I didn’t talk to you the whole time. “

Oh so that’s why he’s upset that time. I said to myself stopping myself from smiling.

“That’s why when you blurted out that you love me when you’re drunk I felt like I’m in heaven” he said smiling.

Well I feel embarrassed right now.

“And when you confirmed it when you woke up I didn’t think twice and went to Jiyeon to break up with her and I thought she’s okay with it because we even celebrated by drinking...” he suddenly gripped his knuckles making it white, “I didn’t know that she was planning to get me drunk just to fool you..”

I am speechless right now. I didn’t know that he planned it all these time. He loved me from the start just as I love him. I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling.

“I hate you” I said to him while glaring. I can’t help but laugh when I saw the fear on his eyes.

He was too cute, my poopie.

“Yah! Come here!” I commanded with authority and like a puppy he complied.

I raise my hand at him threatening to slap him and he just closed his eyes and said “I deserve it”

I felt butterflies in my stomach as he said that and I just want to abused him. Kyaaa.

So without him knowing I kissed him and bit his lip. Now I laugh out loud seeing his reaction. Frozen on his spot with his face red as tomatoes.

Too innocent. How the heck did Jiyeon manage to fool me when I know that his this innocent?

“YAH BANG CHEOLYOUNG!” he suddenly straightened.

“Who said I hated you?” I asked him.

“Ummm...you?” he asked uncertain, making my heart flip.

“I love you idiot”

27 years old. No more pain to feel because Bang Cheolyoung is officially my boyfriend.