I can't. 

I can't do it. I can't, I can't, I can't.

I constantly chant to myself no, no, no. 

He's two rows ahead of me, and one to the left. He sits in the front of the class, and I'm near the middle of the class. I've been in the same class as him for this year so far, and everyday my eyes go towards him. Mainly his back. 

His hair is dark brown, and today he styled it up. Yesterday, he had it down. I don't know which one I prefer, but he's pretty much perfect either way. 

It's not fair that I can't focus in class when ninety-nine percent of the time, I'm staring at him. Luckily, I'm able to keep up with my studies, but I get easily distracted. Everyday, I dream of being able to bravely talk to him, but those dreams diminish everytime I walk into the classroom and see him sitting there, listening to his music. 

I lose all my confidence.

Recently, my friends have given me looks with feelings of apology, like "You really should do something soon." They all know my hopeless schoolgirl crush on him has lasted ever since I entered high school. We've known each other since he transfered during middle school from China, but he already knew Korean as a kid so he entered my school. 

We were really close in middle school. He always teased me, and I back. We lived near each other, so he and I would always walk together to school, and then back to our neighborhood afterschool. But back then, I just saw him as a friend. He was my only friend that was a boy, but I was myself around him. His parents and my parents knew each other because of our friendship, and they became close. 

But our friendship took a weird turn that one day. But I think only I felt that way. 

The day we graduated from middle school, we were celebrating at his house. His parents had hosted a graduation party, and had invited our class to it. We were only around...thirteen years old at that time?

I wandered through his house, looking for him to congratulate him as his best friend, but I couldn't find him. I went up to his mother, and she told me he was in the backyard sitting down. I thanked her, and went to the back of their house.

He was sitting down at the backyard table, and I was about to go outside when I saw someone come from the other side and go to the backyard. I was surprised, and hid back behind the wall. I peeked out, and squinted my eyes. 

The person was a girl. I took a closer look, and saw it was Yuna. I didn't really know her that well, but we were friendly enough with each other that we said hi when we saw each other. She went to the back, and entered the backyard. He heard her close the door, and turned around to look at her. 

"Hi Yuna," he greeted her.

"Hello Luhan," she replied quietly.

"Congratulations!" he smiled.

"Congratulations to you too," she said.

"Thank you," he replied happily.

She blushed, and my mouth started to open. Was she going to do something? My heart started to race in anticipation of her next move. 

"I have a graduation gift for you." She slowly walked towards him, and he stood up with a confused expression on his face. He was about to say something, when she had gotten so close to him,

and kissed him on the cheek. 

My eyes widened, and I went back out of view to the other side of the wall. I leaned against the wall, and shut my eyes.

I started to slide down to the floor, and ended up sitting on the floor with my arms wrapped tightly around my knees. I felt something watery on my face? They were tears.

I didn't know where my tears had come from, but they started flowing out of my eyes like a faucet. I wasn't even making any noise, but I was just mindlessly staring the floor. My mind was blank, but my heart was pumping so fast I could actually feel it hammering against my chest. 

That moment was when I realized I cared more for him than as just a friend. 

That summer after middle school graduation, I realized I was in love with him. Love is a really strong word for a crush at thirteen years old, but I can't honestly think of what other word would describe how I feel about him. How I felt when he would walk with me to my house, or when he would wait until I entered the house and gave me a wave as he turned to walk to his house. Or how I felt when he was the first person to be at my house at twelve am to wish me a happy birthday on my thirteenth birthday. Or how I felt when we walked together to our class and he snatched my books out of my hands and carried it instead, with a smile on his goofy face. All those times in middle school, I hadn't given much thought to besides as a friend. But for some reason, that all changed the second after I saw Yuna's kiss on his cheek. My heart was aching, and I realized that there's only one reason why I would feel that way.

That first day of high school, my eyes were finally open, and they were on him. But the thing was, so were the eyes of a bunch of other girls. He had had a huge growth spurt, and his hair grew a little longer, and he always had a smile on his face with those crinkles near his eyes. 

He looked good.

He saw me, and walked over to me with that bright smile plastered on his face.

"Seohyun! What class do you have?" He grabbed my schedule out of my hands, and I still felt the trace of warmth that his hands had when they quickly passed over mine. I froze, and couldn't respond to him.

"Oh, we have the same class together!" he beamed at me. He my schedule back into my hands, and ran off to meet up with his guy friends. "See you in class, Kerero!" he shouted with a huge wave. He smiled and then ran away to catch up with his friends.

That was the first day of high school. I have had the same class with him for the past three years, and this is my final year. 

And here I am, staring at his backside like a stalker. I sighed, and returned to my books as I continued to take notes. 

I looked up five minutes later, and saw that he was turned around, in my direction. He had an annoyed expression on his face, and threw me a crumpled up piece of paper. 

"Read it," he mouthed. 

I opened the note quietly under the desk and read it.

사연

Hey Kerero.

Are you doing anything afterschool today? I haven't walked you home in a while. After class ends, let's walk together, okay?

Wait for me..or else. -___-

- 루한 Luhan

I rolled my eyes. I quickly scribbled a reply on the other side, wadded it up, and threw it back at him. Luckily, the teacher didn't see us or else we would have been in trouble.

Hey Bambi,

I'm going to the center today. I'm not going home until later.

I saw him glance over it, and then he turned back at me, and rolled his eyes. 

He turned to his desk, and wrote on the same side, and then threw it back to me in a ball. I caught it, and opened it up again. 

Then I'll go with you. Wait for me. And don't reply back, you're too obvious. 

I scoffed to myself, and put my head down on my arms. For more than six weeks, we hadn't talked for more than a simple hi, and then suddenly he talks to me out of the blue? I don't understand. 

Blah, blah, blah. 

The bell rang, and I gathered up my stuff. Usually, I'm the slowest person to pack up, but today I was the fastest for some reason. I put my backpack on and headed outside the classroom into the hallways before the traffic of exiting students happened. I waited near the side of the room, and I smiled to myself. He was going to walk with me again...I couldn't stop smiling. But once he came out of the classroom, I quickly gained my composure.

"Hi Kerero." 

"Hi Bambi."

Our nicknames for each other, because I liked Kerero and he liked Bambi. 

"So, what are you doing at the center today, Kerero?" We walked towards the exit, and he was besides me, like old times.

"I'm not sure yet. Whatever the children want me to do." I volunteer at the local community center, and every so often I go there to help tutor the kids, play games with them, or entertain them to help pass the time. I really enjoy it there.

He gave me a look, and then looked ahead. I didn't understand that look though. Is he weirded out by me or something? I wish I understood what he was thinking about.

"Seohyun," he started.

"Hmm?"

"Uh...never mind." 

He started humming, and there was silence for the rest of the walk.

The walk to the center wasn't very far, but it felt like a lifetime. I didn't know what I should have said to just hear his voice, but I couldn't formulate any words. It wasn't always this awkward between us, and I really miss the times when we used to directly tease each other. But, I fell in love with my best friend. 

I don't even know if we're best friends still, because we haven't talked for a long time. 

However, once I realized I loved him, things got all weird, but it's mainly my fault. I couldn't reply as quickly or know exactly what to say, because I started to think too much of what I said or if how I acted or what I said was stupid. All these things that I never care about before, now were the only things that preoccupied my mind. He didn't seem to notice my new weirdness, but he did ask me what was up with me and how I was feeling, stuff like that. 

What's up? I love you.

What's wrong? The fact that I've known you for over six years but I can't do anything about our relationship because it's nonexistent and you don't reciprocate any of the feelings I feel for you.

How am I feeling? Like nothing I could do would ever work out.

These answers pounded through my head, but I tried to knock them out because I was walking right besides him. 

I can't. 

I can't like him anymore since we're all about to separate and begin our lives somewhere different and new. 

But I can't stop liking him when I've spent the last years thinking of him. 

We reached the center, and I opened the door, and he followed behind me. He looked around and his mouth was open. It was his first time at the center. Everywhere, there were drawings and colorful quilts and many pictures plastered on the wall. He's such a kid. 

"Hi Mrs. Kim," I greeted the receptionist.

"Hello Seohyun, and your friend," she smiled. "The kids are ready for your in that room." 

"Okay, thank you!"

I looked at Luhan, and he was still looking around the center, looking like a little kid. I walked up to him, and daringly grabbed his arm.

"Luhan, are you coming with me to the kids' room?"

He snapped out of his world, and looked straight at me. "Duh." 

I rolled my eyes. I let go of his arm, and walked to the room where my little angels were.

"Hello, Seohyun-sunsangnim," they greeted in unison. Their smiles were so cute.

"Hi everyone. This is Luhan, and he's going to be my assistant for today," I shared. Luhan looked at me with a confused expression but I beamed brightly at him. 

"Hello! I'm Luhan, and I guess I'm her assistant. Hi everyone," he smiled. He looked around the room and gave the kids his warm smile.

Oh, I'm melting. 

I gave him a small smile, and he stuck his tongue out at me. Then he broke into a smile, and his eye crinkles appeared again. Those eye crinkles.

I regained my sanity, and turned to the kids.

"Okay, everyone," I brightly announced. "Today we are going to play a game!" 

There were shouts from all the children, and they were happy. I beamed back at them. 

"What's the game, Miss Seohyun?" asked Haerin, one of the youngest girls in