The moment Changmin gains his consciousness; he smells the mix of hospital and cigarettes. And, when he opens his eyes, everything’s blur, but he knows he sees white only. White and boring, never match with his artistic soul. He tries to speak, but a lump grows big inside his throat. So, he tries to clear it, and that’s when he hears movement next to him.

“Hey,” Junsu’s voice is heard, catching Changmin’s attention.

Changmin turns his head to Junsu’s direction slowly. He doesn’t feel any pain, just weak. He sees Junsu gives him a tired and sad smile. Junsu probably doesn’t sleep at all. He worries too much and, Changmin knows, it’ll be the dead of him one day.

“Hey,” Junsu says again while leaning closer to Changmin. This time with relieves. “How are you, sleepyhead? The whole world is worried about you,” he teases. But, the atmosphere is just too tensed and it feels weird that it comes from Junsu.

“Thirsty,” Changmin manages to whisper.

“I’ll get you something to drink. Stay here, okay?” And, Junsu leaves.

Changmin wants to laugh so badly. Can’t he see that Changmin barely makes a move? How can he possibly leave the bed? Sometimes, Junsu is just too innocent.

In a minute, Junsu storms back inside the room, bumping his shoulder to the doorframe, but he makes sure that the water in the paper cup in his hand doesn’t spill out. He helps Changmin to sit up and Changmin finishes the water so fast. He finally can feel his throat again and it’s like his whole life is coming back to him.

“Thanks, hyung.”

“No problem,” Junsu puts the cup on the table next to the bed and avoids Changmin’s eyes. He looks outside the window.

“Where are the others?”

Junsu comes back to the scene he’s facing now. “Jae hyung went to your place to take some of your stuffs. Yunho hyung is meeting the doctor now. Yoochun is checking your exhibition for you. He called and said that there are so many people in your studio right now. He also said that it is a lot more fun that the owner is here.” He tries to give Changmin a joke, changing the tensed atmosphere. But, it was a bad joke. Well, Changmin always told him that his jokes are bad, but, this time, there is sadness radiating from Junsu.

“Thanks again.”

Junsu nods. He caresses Changmin’s cheek and looks outside the window again. But, suddenly, he looks back at Changmin while frowning. “Why didn’t you tell us that your parents aren't in town? Yunho hyung called them and your dad’s secretary said they’re unreachable in Paris.”

Changmin chuckles weakly. “Do I ever talk to you about my parents?”

“Hm,” Junsu stops for a while and think, “no. Not really.”

“It’s too complicated to tell you guys about what they’re doing,” he shrugs gloomily.

“Changmin-ah, our families aren’t perfect either, okay? Don’t think like that. They love you, no matter what.”

Changmin nods. He looks outside the window too. He can see the sky is already dark. “You smell like cigarette. What happened?” Changmin asks, without fear.

“You fainted,” Junsu answers hesitantly.

“Something’s wrong with me, right? What is it?”

Junsu looks away. Can’t Changmin be more bluntly? Doesn’t he know that some people are really hurting seeing him like this?

“Hyung.” Changmin swallows hard and tilts his head to look at Junsu’s figure. He’s scared of the next question that is coming out of his mouth. But, he has to ask. “Am I sick or something? Am I…going to die?” Because, he can feel that something’s is very wrong. He has been feeling a little bit out of it since three months ago. He didn’t feel sick; he just got tired too easily. He never really cared. He should’ve been care.

Junsu snaps his head to look at Changmin’s eyes. “Don’t say that,” he says firmly. He hates it when people say that in movies, in books. He never thought someone he knows very close would actually say it.

His expression softens in a few seconds and he holds Changmin’s hand. “Everyone’s going to die, Min. It’s-“ he sighs and buries his head on Changmin’s arm for a few quiet minutes, trying to organize the words. And, Changmin waits quietly. “They don’t know what it is yet,” he starts as he looks up to look back at Changmin’s soft gaze, “they did some tests to you this whole morning. There are some possibilities.“

“What kind of possibilities?”

“Do you really want me to say it, Min? Let’s just wait for Yunho hyung, okay? I’m sure he can explain it way better than me,” Junsu shakes his head. It’s too much for him to listen to what the doctor said this afternoon. He won’t be strong enough to say it to his dongsaeng.

“Hyung, I need to know-“

“Why?!” Junsu snaps at him, but it doesn’t scare Changmin.

“Because,” Changmin tries to say calmly, but he fails, “because it’s not about your life!” Finally, Changmin can get rid of his calm mask in front of Junsu. “It’s not your life to worry about! I know something is wrong and it freaks me out too! You don’t have the rights to hide it from me.”

Junsu gasps at the words. He hates it to see Changmin so frustrated like this. But, he knows, Changmin is right. He deserves to know about the things that happen to his life. So, Junsu closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“Maybe, you just overworked yourself. Or…liver cancer.”

Changmin closes his eyes to the words that just came out of Junsu’s mouth. Nobody says anything, but they can hear Changmin’s world is crashing down. Every dreams and hopes that he had build all these years, he knows they’ll never come true anymore.

Junsu squeezes Changmin’s hand so hard. “It’ll be okay. We’ll never leave you.”

…

“How did he take it?” Yoochun asks.

They are currently sitting at the hospital’s canteen. The moment Yunho came into the room, Changmin was back in his sleep again with tears stain in his eyes and Junsu was sobbing next to him. Yunho didn’t need to ask what happened. He just hugged Junsu and asked him if he already ate. Junsu shook his head. He remembered that he hadn’t eat anything ever since before he went to the exhibition. So, Yunho took him to the canteen and they met Yoochun and Jaejoong there.

“Calm. Too calm that it scares me. He only cried, but he didn’t say anything,” Junsu says as he looks down to his plate. It’s only half empty and he doesn’t want to eat anymore. “I don’t know what’s going on inside his head.”

“Nobody knows. We’re not the one who is going through this,” Yunho says calmly, patting the back of Junsu’s hand and giving him a reassuring smile. Junsu smiles back, but they all know it’s fake.

Yoochun leans back to his seat. “He can’t live alone in his apartment after this. Someone needs to take care of him. And, his parents travel a lot.”

Yunho shrugs. “You and Jaejoong can’t take care of him, for sure, because the both of you travel a lot too. So, that leaves the option to me and Junsu.” Yunho looks at Junsu to make sure he agrees.

“I don’t mind at all,” Junsu says, “I can take my work to home. I’ll do anything.”

“No, your company is having trouble right now. You have to focus on that. Beside, Yunho hyung’s place is close to everywhere, so we can get the best treatment for hi-“

“Why are you guys talking like he’s really sick?” Jaejoong snaps. The three of them look at him in a surprise and confusion. “Didn’t your hear what Yunho said? The doctor still isn’t sure if he’s really sick! It’s just one freaking possibility, okay?”

“And, what if it gets real? What if he’s really sick, hyung? What are you going to do? What are we going to do, huh?” Junsu snaps back at him.

Jaejoong bits his lower lip hard and he looks away. He knows what Junsu said is true. He just tries to convince himself that this is only a nightmare, that he’ll wake up soon with Changmin’s ringing his doorbell in the morning, asking for breakfast, and saying “I love you” back at him. Because, everyone knows, he’ll give everything to have that moment with him every single day.

Yoochun leans closer and touch his hand. “Hyung-“

Jaejoong stands up abruptly and stumbles back a little bit. “No,” he says firmly, tears threatening to fall, “he’s healthy and he’s perfectly fine. He’s just too tired with this whole exhibition thing that he gets sick now. He’ll be fine tomorrow.” And, he walks away.

…

Changmin is sleeping. But, even in his sleep, he smiles a little. Jaejoong has been sitting next to him, watching him carefully for two hours. Yunho, Yoochun, and Junsu came fifteen minutes ago, but the nurses said that visiting hours were done. Junsu offered himself to stay again that night, but Yunho and Yoochun were against it because Junsu hadn’t had a proper rest since the day before. So, they had to pick whom to stay. And, since Jaejoong didn’t want to move from his seat, they let him stay. They thought Jaejoong needed all the time he could possibly get to spend with Changmin because he is still not accepting this pretty well.

Changmin opens his eyes suddenly and looks around while rubbing his left eye, shooing the sleep away. Jaejoong is surprised and he shifts worriedly on his seat.

“What is it? Where does it hurt?” Jaejoong asks softly. He puts his hand on Changmin’s hair and it.

“Hyung?” Changmin calls, convincing himself that Jaejoong is really there. His voice is hoarse for the lack of use.

“I’m here, Min,” he whispers quietly. He doesn’t want to speak louder because Changmin will hear the tremble in his voice for holding his tears inside.

“I dreamt of the world outside,” he tells, “I didn’t see anyone else. I just saw the sky and I could feel the wind on my face. There was a beautiful garden. It was so green and there were flowers everywhere. And, I don’t know how, there was a cherry blossom tree. I was so happy. I wonder if there is such peaceful place in this world.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Changmin shakes his head and then he observes Jaejoong intensely. “Hyung,” Changmin says again, but this time with a gentle smile on his face, “I know it’ll be okay, so don’t be too sad.”

“What are you saying?” Jaejoong can’t hold the tears any longer.

“I know you’ll take it the hardest,” Changmin says, “I’ll be fine, okay?”

“Of course, you’ll be fine. You’re as healthy as we all are, Min,” Jaejoong assures him, and his own self. He buries his face on Changmin’s shoulder and tries to cry as quietly as possible.

Changmin laughs a little. “Hey, I’m the baby, right? Why are you taking my spot? I want to be protected and not the other way around.”

And, Jaejoong cries even harder at Changmin’s lame joke. “Not funny, you .”

But, Changmin laughs even harder at Jaejoong’s current situation. He’s a crying mess. Changmin settles down after a while and he Jaejoong’s hand that has been gripping his hand for a long time, like once he lets go, Changmin would fly away like a balloon. “I’ll be fine, really. I’ll get through this. But, I need you to be strong for me. I need you with me. Can you do that, hyung?”

Jaejoong doesn’t want to give an answer to that question. Because, once he answers it, it will be real. That Changmin’s sick. “We don’t know that. We don’t know if you’re really sick or not. Why does everyone keep saying things like this? I hate it.”

Changmin sighs and smiles. Jaejoong is always the vulnerable one. He’s always the one with the soft side in his heart and the one with the warm hands to hold. He’s always the one to cook while holding his tears when the others are bothered with something. He’s always the one who stays around to fix the others’ problems, even it has to hurt him.

“Hyung, promise me-“

“Promise you what?” he stands up from his seat and looks at Changmin with teary eyes. He can’t hold it anymore. The sobs are getting louder and they sound so heartbreaking. Changmin hates it that he causes this. “Don’t talk to me like this is the end because you’re not going to die at such young age!”

“What do you expect, hyung?” Changmin asks calmly.

“You have a bright future ahead of you! And every dreams you have!”

“They were just dreams, hyung.“

“You want to have an exhibition for your own paintings at The Louvre!“

“That’s stupid, hyung, you know it.”

Jaejoong bits his lower lip but he doesn’t stop. “You want to go to Egypt and make a painting of the sunset in front of the pyramid!”

“I’ll never stand the heat.”

“You want to move to Paris with your girlfriend! You don’t even have a girlfriend!”

“Lame, I know.”

“You want to torture Junsu on his wedding day!”

Changmin laughs softly at the idea he randomly had. “I’ll have Yoochun hyung to replace me on that day.”

“Stop talking like you’re dying!” Jaejoong practically screams.

“Well, I am, hyung!” Changmin says loudly to compete Jaejoong cries. “And, I don’t deny it! Why do you?”

Jaejoong steps back until his back hits the wall and he slides down. He hugs his knees to his chest and cries. No. He doesn’t want Changmin go. He is too young to die, too young to be sick, too young to have his dreams shatter away. He is the little one that he, Yunho, Yoochun, and Junsu would always protect, would die for. And, now, the fact that they can’t do anything to take away his problem and pain hurts him the most. He feels useless and helpless and he hates feeling this way.

“Hyung,” Changmin calls, “come here.”

Jaejoong stands up and sits back at his seat before. He pouts and wipes away his tears with the back of his hand like a little boy. Changmin laughs at the sight.

“What did the doctor say?”

“The result will come tomorrow. After that, they will know what to do with you and you can come home.”

“Good,” Changmin smiles, “I want to go home soon.”

“Will you be okay? Yunho wants you to stay with him when you come home. They said his apartment is close to everywhere so it’ll be easier to get you the best treatment you.”

Changmin shrugs. “I don’t want to bother you guys.”

“But, what if-“ Jaejoong stops talking abruptly, without he realizes it, he is talking like he’s accepting everything. He looks down at his hands, but Changmin’s hand comes into the view.

“Hyung, it’s okay. Really,” Changmin says. He squeezes Jaejoong’s hand lightly; transferring how much energy that is left in his body.

And, Jaejoong feels guilty. He shouldn’t be the one that is comforted. He should comfort Changmin. So, he looks up and gives Changmin the best smile. “It’s okay, yes,” he says surely, “I promise it’ll be fine and I’m going to be here. We are all going to be here. We’re gonna go through this.”

“I know.”