An awkward silence stretched between us as we sat on the couch, eating our pizzas, watching another Disney movie. I certainly surprised Chen, Luhan and more importantly, myself. I should have controlled my emotions and my mouth. I internally groaned when I recalled what had happened earlier. I really should have kept my big mouth shut, making up stories wasn’t going to help my situation or do me any good.

Thankfully, the pizza delivery guy came around and I had an excuse to make Chen leave. He still wanted to talk to me about us; I told him there was nothing to talk about but he insisted. I said I’d think about it and I’d call him when I was ready. Like hell, I was going to discuss what happened to us. ‘He has his reasons’, my .

Something was definitely odd with Luhan after Chen left. We ate dinner in front of the television, something I normally wouldn’t do but to be honest, ever since Luhan arrived, I’ve been doing things I would have never done if he wasn’t here. My insomnia has gotten a lot better, I’ve been able to sleep for couple of hours more than what I usually could; I’ve been late, skipped office meetings and now I was taking time off work.

Normally, whenever there was food, Luhan would usually inhale food as if it was oxygen however when I looked over at him, he was only up to his first pizza box (he still had another two boxes, garlic bread and spicy chicken wings to go through). I had already finished my whole box by the time the movie was already halfway through.

Ever since Chen left, he hadn’t said a word to me which quite frankly worried me because it was not like him to actually shut up for once. It was weird because the only sound that filled my cold apartment was the sound coming from the television and the clatter of glass every time I placed my water back onto the coffee table. The silence was eating me up inside, I couldn’t handle this sudden awkward tension between us. I cleared my throat before I spoke up. Luhan didn’t even glance my way. Usually, if I sniffed or breathed too loudly his head would snap in my direction the second he heard me.

“Luhan…” I called out.

“Hmm?” He didn’t even turn to look at me. I was turned in his direction and staring straight into the side of his head.

“Is something wrong?” I questioned. Don’t lie to me, there is something wrong with you.

“Umm, no…” This time, he looked at me. I raised my brows at him.

 “Okay, I can’t lie. Yes, something’s wrong.” Luhan let out a sigh.

“What is it?”

“You lied.” He said. I could see where this was going. His angel nature was taking over. I’ve heard this lecture before. Well, I'm pretty almost everyone has from their parents at some point in their life. Lying is bad, blah, blah, blah. All your lies will come back to bite you in the when you least expect it. It was my turn to let out a sigh.

“Well, it’s not like I couldn’t lie. Are you really going to tell me off for lying? I lied because of you.” I retorted angrily.

“Why did you have to tell Chen I was your boyfriend?” He shot back.

I didn’t know how to answer that question. I have no idea what suddenly came over me to blurt something like that out but I really regretted it as soon as Chen left. You’re so stupid, Kwon Minyoung. It wasn’t like I was trying to make Chen jealous that I had gotten over him and moved on, I didn’t have a need to make him jealous. I didn’t want to get back with him. I would never get back with him even if he came back, crawling on his knees, begging me to forgive him although it would be amusing to see him all guilty.

“I don’t know. It just slipped. It was a mistake. I just thought that maybe if I told him that you were my boyfriend, he wouldn’t bother me anymore but,” I stopped mid sentence, when I realised that I was starting to ramble on. He looked at me expectantly. 

“But?”

“Nothing.” I mumbled, hoping he’d drop the topic but who am I kidding? I was talking to Luhan.

“I don’t want you to lie to me.” Luhan said. “If you lie, how am I supposed to trust you?”

“Are we really going to talk about this? Lying is normal. Everyone does it! I lied because I couldn’t say ‘Oh hey Chen, this is Luhan. He’s my guardian angel’ now, could I?” I was about to lose my temper any second now; I’m pretty sure it’s clear that I didn’t exactly have the best temper. It didn't help that Luhan was so irritating. 

“I know humans can’t help themselves. I get that, I understand but you need to stop lying. Not lying to other people but to yourself.” I felt my mouth slack a bit. I hadn’t really anticipated that type of response. He didn’t stop there. He kept on pushing the boundaries.

“When you’re sad, don’t say ‘I’m fine’ when you’re obviously not fine. When you’re sad, don’t fake a smile like you always do and brush it off.” Slowly, I could feel the wall I spent years building up, crumbling bit by bit as the words left Luhan’s lips. Everything he said was like a rock, thrown against the (what I once thought was a strong) wall. Damn you, Luhan. 

Luhan, why are you doing this to me? I didn’t know how to react. My emotions were all messed up. I wanted to yell at him in frustration and tell him that he didn’t know anything and to out of out of my life but a part of me was telling me that Luhan was right; that I shouldn’t pretend that everything is fine and lie to myself that I was okay.

“Stop.” I said, not wanting to hear anymore because if I did, I’d probably have another mental breakdown.

“Don’t bottle up all your emotions to look strong in front of other people.” I looked up at him. He was staring right back at me. His face was expressionless yet his eyes were telling me everything. 

“I told you to stop.” I hissed through my teeth, looking away. Suddenly, I was enveloped in a tight hug. I wanted to struggle and push him right off but it was as if he had hypnotised me, my body went numb as Luhan held onto me. 

“When you’re sad and you want to cry, don’t hold back. Just cry, let it out. Don't hurt yourself anymore. You're making things harder for yourself.” He said before slowly letting go. With that, he got off from the couch and walked down the hallway and into his room. I heard his door shut with a soft thud. 

I sat on the couch for a couple of minutes, stunned at everything that Luhan had said to me. I was internally fighting with myself. I didn't want to dwell on my feelings but everything Luhan said brought up all the feelings and memories I spent so long trying to block off and forget. 

“Minyoung, you’re going crazy.” I said to myself as I clutched onto my head tugging at my own hair.

I stared at the photographs in the frame. It was one of those black and white photo collages. One of the pictures was Tao with parents when he was about five. In another photograph was of me and Tao on my high school graduation. My father didn’t bother to attend my high school graduation, considering I only came in eighth not first like he wanted.

I only started seeing my father regularly once I started working in the company two years ago. It kind of came as shock to me one day when I realised that my father was still actually alive because I never saw him at home and if I did, it was only for a split of a second and he was right out of the door and right out of my life. He didn’t really bother with me until I graduated from university (this time I graduated in second place and he came to the graduation ceremony).

Dr. Huang is the closest thing to a mother figure in my life. During my high school days, I'd hang around her office and do my homework there and hang out with Tao. The Huang family basically became my family. I barely saw my father since he was always overseas attending important business matters.

I think I was in my second year of high school when I landed myself in the emergency room in the early hours of the morning. I thought that the pain would help me forget about all my problems but I was wrong, it only hurt more. They said I was depressed.

As the years passed, things only went downhill. By the time, I reached my final year of high school, my condition had gotten worse. The same thoughts haunted me constantly. I was put on medication and started having therapy sessions with Dr. Huang. As much as I trusted her, I couldn’t open up, I didn’t want to. The sessions became tedious and hopeless however once my father found out about my condition, he made sure that I was visiting her at least once a month. He probably only did that because he didn’t want people thinking he had a crazy psycho as a daughter.

I suddenly lost my train of thought when Dr. Huang walked into the room and sat across me in her chair. She had my folder in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. She passed me the water and I took a sip.

“You look well.” She commented.

“I don’t feel so bad.” I replied, putting the cap back onto the bottle.

“I guess your insomnia has gotten better,” She said, scribbling something onto paper. I paused for a moment.

“How’d you know?” I asked curiously.

“Tao told me.” She smiled. A genuine smile, not one of those fake sympathy smiles. Of course Tao told her. He tells his mother everything. I just hope he didn’t tell her about Luhan. He better not have or else I’m going to wring his neck so hard that his--

“I heard you broke up with Chen,” I looked up at her incredulously. “How are you feeling?”

I scoffed, “I supposed Tao also told you that too. That kid doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut.” I said bitterly. She laughed.

“He gets it from his father.” She sighed, shaking her head with a small smile playing on her lips.

“Yes, we broke up.” I answered curtly, not wanting to dwell on the issue.

“Good.” She said.

Wait, what?

“Did you just say good?” I questioned, feeling slightly confused. 

“I didn’t like that boy ever since you started dating him. Besides, he was too short for you. You need someone taller.”  I let out snort. I could always trust Dr. Huang to make comment like that.

“Well, what happened?” She asked.

At that point, my therapy session had quickly turned into a casual conversation. I felt comfortable telling Dr. Huang everything because unlike her son, she knew how to keep things confidential, she knew how to keep shut – that’s probably one of the things I liked the most about her. She knew her boundaries and stayed within them unlike someone I know. 

When I left her office, something she used to always say me popped back into my head. She’d often say to me that I deserve someone better but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but think did I even deserve someone to love me? Considering the kind of person I am, did I really deserve love from anyone?

word count: 2k 

a/n: this chapter was kinda meh because i tried to make not so depressing and it's shorter just because i didn't want to put two different moods in one chapter. i guess this chapter gives a bit of a background to minyoung's childhood (kinda?) \o/

as always, thank you for reading.