RW[4]

Title: The Girl With The Sad Smile

Author: Kyuwook_4eva

Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/17757/the-girl-with-the-sad-smile-eunhyuk-heechul-kyuhyun-leeteuk-superjunior

Reviewer: Jiwoo Jung (xxasianninjaxx)

Title 5/5:

Very creative title. It also supported the storyline well. During difficult situations in the story, Emma always plastered on a fake smile to show her strong personality. Therefore, she is the girl with the sad smile. Excellent Job!

Forewords 7/10:

The foreword was creative. I like how it was put into a P.O.V. Although the description could use a little work. Some repetitive of 'he'. All in all, The description was detailed, but not too detailed to the point where it explained to much. It also didn't explain to little unlike other story, which is a good thing by the way. Well Done!

Poster 2/5:

It's a good thing you have a poster, but could it be a little more creative? There is no title in the poster, no author, and no female lead. All you have is a picture of Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun. You don't really have to put Leeteuk, though. He is the antagonist, and usually they aren’t on the cover.

The poster is supposed to capture the readers attention, yet I wasn't really captured at all, but glad that you bothered to put one up.

Originality/Creativity 7/10:

Somewhat creative with some of the elements of the story, but somewhat repeated. What I mean by repeated is I've read a story kinda like this. It was cute and entertaining, I'll give you that. I did enjoy the story. The conflicts were original.

Flow 9/15:

A lot of the events in the story were rushed. For example, during the time Eunhyuk started regaining his memory, the event was rushed. I advise you to prolong the events and plan it out more carefully. It really bothered me how the time sequence went at a fast pace instead of a steady one.

But it was easy to read.

Plot 10/15:

The plot itself was kind of boring. I mean who hasn't heard this kind of story before. The lead is in love with the opposite , yet she is in-love with someone else. I mean, I know it's hard coming up with really new stuff, but this is basic standard. I wish you could have made it a little more creative.

EXPOSITION {Part of Plot}

The exposition is one of the main elements that make up a plot. This part is where it basically describes the story. It was somewhat rushed, but I'll let that slide since the expo shouldn't take up much space. The expo did a good job in explaining everything. It was easy to understand, which is very good, because its a key element into understanding the story.

CONFLICTS {Part of Plot}

The conflicts are basically the detailed problems in the story. It kinda gives that story a spice. The conflicts were quite interesting. Especially during the part where I though Eunhyuk killed himself. "Good Bye World." Very creative! My heart plummeted when I thought he died, but apparently it was just Emma's father. Although the conflicts were good, it was rushed. It get's annoying hearing this, but the events were rushed. The good thing that comes out of rushed event is more conflict to put the reader falling of his/her seat. The bad thing is it should really be at a steady pace, and it gets annoying. I advise you to be a little careful next time pacing your story.

{Part of Plot}

Well done! During Emma and Kyuhyun's moment at the airport was splendid! I like the dramatic suspense. I was wondering if Kyuhyun was too late! Also the addition of having Emma dream about her dad! Such a sweet moment for daughter and father.

FALLING ACTION {Part of Plot}

This is where you tie up all the loose ends. It was good how you really did end everything. Including the conflict between Kyuhyun's mother and him. Good job!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary 9/20:

There were many run-ons sentences. For example, 10:2 (Chapter:Paragraph) you’ll see that there are way too many commas. Replace some of those commas with period. That was just one example of the comma-period mishap. I would say almost all chapters had them. Either most of them or all of them.

There is also this thing where the subject does not agree with the verb. During the time Kyuhyun asked Eunhyuk, "Hyung, are all the school this big?" The verb, in this case, was are, and the subject was school. Are is used for plural nouns, yet school was not plural. In this case it makes the sentence confusing to read. There's also the time sequence problem. In the same sentences, there are situations where you put past verbs with future or past tense verbs.

During dialogue, when two people are having a conversation, they each must have a different paragraph or line, if you prefer. Putting two different people's dialogue in the same paragraph is not only incorrect form of writing, it can also get confusing. In chapter 20 this occurred a lot.

On the vocabulary part, you used the word 'enraged' quite a few times in the beginning. Try thinking of a different word other than 'enraged'.

Character 7/10:

For the readers who don't know Super Junior, please describe who Hyukjae is. Not all readers are reading it for the love of Super Junior, so who knows? Maybe some readers don't know who HyukJae is. You put his name down without mentioning it was Eunhyuk.

You did do a pretty decent job with all the other characters. Like Leeteuk! You showed his personality was evil and diabolical. Along with Kyuhyun and Emma. I really like the way you described Emma. I could imagine her in my mind. Be more creative though.

Writing Style 9/10:

You writing style, I enjoyed. It wavered a little bit, although. It had this tone to where it was calm, but dramatic. Then somewhat in the middle, it became humorous. The story was entertaining and made switch from chapter to chapter each time. I’d say your writing style is in lovely. Work on improvements though.

Total: 65/100

It was good quality work. It had glitches which needs work. Improvements are still needed to be made. I’m looking forward to the sequel!

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RW[4]

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