RW[3]

Title: How To Seduce Kim Jae Joong

Author: blackie-ish

Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/JaeYin/

Reviewer: MachiShupp

Title: 4/5

So far, I haven't seen any connection between the plot and the title since you've just written 5 chapters and Yunho was introduced more detailed on the very last chapters. However, the title did made me want to click on your story because not many people write this kind of plot nowadays. The spelling is correct but I don't think "To" needs to be capitalize.

Forewords: 6/10

Instead of forewords, it's a summary right? Haha, don't worry I don't do forewords either. I was a bit lost to see that there is no short summary of how to seduce Jaejoong. "A summary, synopsis, or recap is a shorter version of the original." Rather than introducing the characters, it should be the plot being summarized.

"...dated her to gain frame." Is it really frame or fame? Overall, the summary was a bit dull at the beginning and their characters introduction was a bit long when it can be explained as the story progress. I think the end of the summary was really interesting!

"Yunho's heart was in pieces." Maybe it should be, "His heart was shattered into pieces the moment he saw evidences of Jaejoong and the mysterious woman."

Poster: 4/5

"The player meets the nerd, would you change for the person you loved?" GOOD ONE! I would've read your story in less than one second already! Unfortunately based on the poster, it seems like the focus of the story is more on Changmin/Yoochun.

In the first chapter, you even had Yoochun and Changmin falling in love. Love triangle, a really good strategy to gain readers attention!

Originality/Creativity: 8/10

I cannot decide this one yet since this is only the beginning. It's not an everyday thing to read fanfics about an obese boy falling in love with a superstar. So far, I've only read about a "shy loner boy had his love at first sight with a popular girl". So this is pretty much original. ~

Flow: 10/15

There were some rushed scenes. For example at the first chapter; where they were in a press conference room. Maybe you should describe a little bit on the crowds, the boys' feeling etc. But everything was in place and as the reader, I can feel the connection between each chapter. It's not 100% smooth but don't worry, there's still a lot of room for improvement.

Plot: 13/15

I can't wait to read the ! :D The start of this story is quite plain but cute. You have a strong plot here! Definitely interesting but you should take some time to carefully develop it into a more enjoyable and brilliant piece.

Hopefully I can read and review for your next chapters~

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: 15/20

Minor hiccups here and there. I think you used too much comas in your sentence. I can't help but notice that you use, what I would call a 'recycle sentence'. You used the same sentence(s) but the only difference is the adjectives.

Your vocabulary is a 4/5. Instead of "said", try using another word of the same meaning like 'replied' etc.

Characterizations: 8/10

I love the way you describe your characters, each and everyone of them. It made my mind instantly conjured up your own version of Yunho, Jaejoong, Changmin and Yoochun. I like all the characters actually. Yunho's character is cute but it could use a bit of explanation on further chapters on why he liked Jaejoong!

Writing Style: 6/10

It's not bad, it's not excellent. Just higher than average average, ^^ There's an excessive use of comas and you tend to write short sentences in your story. Example: The room was filled with people.

Try practicing more on elaborating and developing your sentences, plot and characters.

Think of your readers as your little children, eager to know everything! ^^ A! :D

Total: 74/100

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