Donghae’s POV

I knew that I was very stupid.

I knew what the things that I have decided were really wrong.

But, I just couldn’t keep living like this.

I’ve loved him for 20 years.

The first several years were really awesome. He was really caring to me. I just loved him so much at that time.

It started when we were in Senior High School. He became a different person for me.

He changed 180^o and I didn’t know why. But, I didn’t change. I loved him….and I love him until now.

Many things flew in my head. Should I do this? Or not?

I kept thinking and thinking when finally I realized that I’ve cut my wrist and the blood started coming.

The last thing in my head was ‘I’m a stupid person, but I never regret to know him and love him’

I finally opened my eyes. I didn’t know how many times I’ve shut my eyes.

My head was spinning and my body was hurt.

I felt I was in the car. But I didn’t know why I could be here. I thought I would be in hospital, but I knew it was not a hospital exactly.

I wanted to make my body up, but I couldn’t.

‘You’ve waken up dear?’

I snapped my head as fast as I could and it made my head hurt like hell.

‘Don’t be too eager to see me, my son.’

I blinked my eyes and I hoped it was a dream.

‘Why you looked me like that? You have to be happy to see your father.’

He smiled… no! He smirked to me. He was really scared and my body started trembling.

‘Honey. Talk something. Don’t you miss your father? We haven’t met for more than 20 years.’

He talked to me when he was still driving.

I pushed my body as far as from him. He was still same. He was still my nightmare.

Actually he and my mom got married when they were still 17 years old. They were forced to marry because my mother was pregnant first.

‘You’ve ruined my future, son. You know? Since I was a little, I aspired to be a doctor, built a big hospital and finally I hoped I could live happily with my wife and my children. But because of you, I couldn’t do it. I was forced to marry your mom. I’ve never loved your mom! She was the one who seduced me. She put drugs in my drinks and BAM! Suddenly she cried in front of me and told that she was pregnant. What did you do if you were in my state?’

I couldn’t believe anything! My mom was an angel. She would not do something like that.

‘You don’t believe me right? She was a back then. But unfortunately she fell in love with me. It’s ok if you didn’t believe, I don’t care at all.’

He looked at him and it was the first time he looked me like that.

‘You know? I hoped you never came in this world.’

I didn’t answer him at all. I tried to process what’s going on here.

‘You’re lying.’ I finally said something.

‘No. I will not lie to someone who will die soon.’

Oh yes. He will kill me in no time.

‘What you will do after you kill me?’

‘I will kill myself.’

‘Why?’

‘I’ve ruined from long time ago. I kept living just to take you with me.’

‘Why you have to take me with you? Can’t you let me life?’

‘Why I have to do that? You’re the one who make me like this!’ He shouted to me but I tried to suppress my nerves.

‘I’ve never asked to be born with the father like you. I didn’t know. If I could choose, I will choose to be never born in this world.’

‘Yeah you’re right. But every time I shut my eyes, I kept thinking about you. You’re my nightmare Lee Donghae.’

‘And you’re my nightmare too dad.’

We looked each other and no one from us wanted to tear the gaze.

‘Let’s die together.’ I said to him and he looked at me with his big eyes.

‘What?’

‘Let’s die together I said. Sooner or later Hyukjae will find your place. So, before he takes me from you, let us die.’

‘Are you crazy?’ He asked me.

‘Yes I’m. You think I’m a normal people who would be cut his wrist by himself? No right? I’ve gone crazy. Let’s leave this world beautifully.’

‘Are you sure? Don’t you love that Lee Hyukjae?’

‘Yes I love him, but he doesn’t. I life because of him, when he doesn’t need me at all, I don’t think I can life anymore.’

I could feel he was driving crazily now.

‘Ok. Let’s die together.’

‘Can I borrow your phone?’ I asked him.

‘For what?’

‘I just wanted to say some good bye.’

‘You wanted to tell them right?’

‘It’s no use to tell them. We will die before they come.’

Finally he gave me his phone.

To : Lee Hyukjae

From : Lee Donghae

Hey Hyukjae-ah ^^

What are you doing? Are you fine? J

Hyukjae, since now, I can’t make you some breakfast, I can’t accompany you to anywhere again, I can’t pick you up when you were in the club, I can’t be your secretary anymore, I can’t wake you up again in the morning, I can’t call you, message you again, I can’t clean up your apartment again, I can’t take care of you again. I’m sorry Hyukjae, I’m really sorry.

I love you. I’ve suffered for 20 years because of loving you.

You will hate me when you see this message. I know you hate a gay like me L

But don’t worry. You will not see me anymore.

Thank you for everything you’ve done to me.

I never hate you, I just hate myself.

Lee Hyukjae, I will remember your name forever. In my heart. In my mind.

Someday, if we meet again in the other world, I hope we will not have a connection at all.

I don’t want to meet you again. I didn’t mean that I hate to see you. But I’m afraid if I will love you again.

Loving you is the most beautiful and the most painful thing.

But I never regret to know you and love you.

Lee Hyukjae I will keep our good memories. I, Lee Donghae love Lee Hyukjae with all my heart.

Let’s pretend I am 5 years old and you’re 6 years old. The time when we first met. When you started to change my life.

My best friend forever, good bye 

Love you,

Your forever Hae <3

I sent to him and shut my eyes tightly.

‘Dad…’

‘Hmm?’

‘If, just if I wasn’t born in a wrong time. Would you love me?’

‘Yes and I will make you the happiest person that have ever lived.’

Tears started coming from my eyes. So, in the end what’s wrong in here is my fate. My unlucky fate.

‘Dad…Let’s meet in another world. When finally I will be born in a perfect time and you will love me.’

‘You want to meet me again? After the things I’ve done to you?’

‘Yes. Because I need some love from my parents. And actually I don’t hate you at all.’

I felt someone held my hand and I opened my eyes.

I turned my head and I saw my father was crying and muttered ‘I’m sorry’

The last thing in my head that my father covered me with his body and hugged me tight and I felt very strong collisions.

‘If you survive from this, you have to forget your bad memories and start a new life. I love you.’ He whispered to me.

With that my head hit something and finally I lost consciousness