We grew closer to each other as days, weeks, months pass by.

I’ve learned your parents met an accident and pass away when you were six and that your mother’s necklace was the only thing that was left with you. Just like me, you had been studying and at the same time working for yourself. Your eyes were shadowed with remorse as you told the story. I struggled to find a way to comfort you but before I could, you quickly changed back to your jolly self. Sometimes I wonder how you do that. It’s as if it was your super powers or something.

“Hmmm… you’re wondering the reason behind my optimism, jolliness or whatever?” you asked reading my mind for the nth time. I wonder maybe you’re not a human, maybe you are a superhuman. After all you’re the master of cheerfulness and reading minds.

“There’s no reason for me to lock myself up in the past when the bright future is ahead of me. Past is the past. What matters now is the present. So whatever bad things that happened in the past, don’t cling on it too much. Move on, get up, be strong.”

The words shoot through my soul.

Now that I realized I have been keeping myself locked in the past. It was since my mother and I we’re betrayed by my own father. He told us we were his life. He promised he would not leave us. But all were nothing but empty words…it was all a lie. He met another woman, fell in love with her and he broke the words that kept my mother alive. That’s right, leaving us resulted to my mother’s depression and eventually death while me? I was left alone empty, miserable.

But hearing those hopeful words from you, it kept me thinking. First, you taught me how to be strong and now you taught me how to move on. Slowly, without me discerning, you were changing me and I was falling for you even more.

~~

Ever since I have been friends with you, my life felt a little less quite now. Not literally of course, since your mouth won’t shut up even for a second. It’s okay for me though, I’m more of a listener than a talker anyway.

So back to ‘my life’ topic at hand… Well since I’ve been friends with you, my bullies seemed nowhere to be found. When I told you about it, you bragged it was your work. With your arrogant smirk, you said, “I had connections so don’t worry about them anymore.”

I creased my forehead in confusion so you continued, “I have a friend who happened to be a leader of a gang. I told him about your situation and he thought you’re a pitiful one. He really has a soft spot for someone like you, you know. So he got your bullies and threatened not to bother you once more or they won’t be seeing the sun rises again.”

I thought you were high and that you were hallucinating that time but you proved it by actually taking me to your friend. It scared the hell out of me. I wouldn’t be surprise if you knew someone in a mafia or yakuza.

~~

The first time you went into my house, you easily felt comfortable, maybe because it has the same atmosphere as your home, chaotic and messy.

The first thing you noticed was my guitar. It surprised you that I possessed something like that. You requested me to play for you but I refused. You begged me the whole time with your puppy eyes. You were cute, I couldn’t deny. Ruffling my hair, I admitted defeat. How could I refuse a cute Hongki? Haish.

Your smile extended from ear to ear when I picked up the guitar. You demanded for Nickelback’s Far Away. I knew the song and so I started plucking the strings. Your eyes twinkled, really impressed. It made me flush for some reason.

You started to sing the first verse. Though I heard you sing before since I actually went to your gigs in my free nights, I still have goose bumps hearing your soothing voice.

Your voice, the only thing I’m hearing. Your presence, the only thing I know.

Whenever I’m with you, my heart beats fast, my breathing slows down, and I feel happy—are these things included under the definition of love? Am I in love? Am I even allowed to love?—To love you?