It was early in the morning, the sun was just rising.

A soft breeze carried in the smell of summer beginning. The wind chime, Youngjae had given to him once as a birthday present was sounding quietly.

Softly and innoccent. Almost sadly.

Daehyun frowned, he couldn't sleep anymore, so he opened the drawer of his bedside table and took out his therapy diary.

He skipped through the entries of the big book.

His first entries addressed no one, he always wrote only a few words. The dates of the entries weren't regular.

2001

Birthday. Mum visited me, dad couldn't come.

got a book as a present.

....

Christmas. One of the nurses put me a TV in my room. Now it's not that boring anymore.

Daehyun stopped at the entry of the 10th December 2002.

One of the nurses brought her son. Youngjae.

He's nice. He talked to me. I hope he will come again.

12th December 2002

Youngjae brought me ice cream. He told me that my smile is cute.

But one day I want to smile the way he does, he has a special smile.

One day I will leave this hospital and will play outside. I want him to be there, too.

I wish he could be my friend. I always wanted to have lots of friends to play with, but I think if it's Youngjae,

I won't need someone else.

26th December 2002

He visited me again, when I had one of these nightmares. But I felt better as soon as he was there.

I feel safe with him. He told me heaven is a nice place.

Daehyun smiled weakly at his entries. He liked Youngjae from their very first meeting on.

May 2003

Youngjae talks a lot, but it's ok. Of course, I want to tell him about me, too - I would tell him anything - but there

is nothing to tell. It's ok. I like listening to his voice.

Still I'm afraid that one day he won't come anymore.

His other friends have to be important to him, too, and I'm sure they are a lot more fun.

Because it's no fun at all to hang around at the hospital.

August 2003

Since there are holidays, Youngjae stays with me every day. Sometimes he stays over night.

I don't have nightmares when he is with me. I feel safe when he holds my hand and won't let go

not even at sleep.

Mum doesn't come very often anymore, she cried a lot the last time. It was at my birthday.

But as long as Youngjae is there, I'm ok with it.

I don't want to tell him, I don't want him to feel like he has to stay with me.

Daehyun's eyes burnt. Youngjae's name appeared more often than any other word in his entries.

At some time around 2005 he wrote: "Dear Diary"

Starting with the year 2011, he changed it to:

January 2011

Dear Youngjae,

thank you again for the birthday present. I really like the cap,

I'm wearing it all the time. You said it looks good on me, did you lie?

Because the nurses always tell me to take it off.

After all these years they annoy me more than ever before.

You know... I didn't tell you about this, because it's a bit embarrassing, but one

of the nurses wanted to take down your wind chime, when she cleaned my room.

She said it's old and only catches dust.

But it's not old, I still remember cleary the day when you gave it to me. 5 years ago, to my

birthday. And it doesn't catch dust at all!

It... reminds me of you.

Daehyun turned the pages, until he came to the day, on which Youngjae had confessed to him.

He had been very confused.

A few days later, he wrote that entry.

It’s hard to tell him.

It was easier to talk with my parents about it. I don’t know how to say it.

I feel guilty for not telling him everything, I relayed on that he would somehow find out on his own.

I don’t want to hurt him, I can’t stand watching him suffer.

I hate myself for being the reason he suffers. I made him cry...

I’m sorry. It sounds so pitiful, these two words.

I wished I could express it somehow.

And I pray that he will find my notes one day, in case I couldn’t tell him what I feel.

In case I couldn’t tell him – looking straight into his beautiful eyes – that I love him. Forever.

Just in case...

When he skipped through the next pages, he found a loose paper. It was his Wish List.

- leave my room and stay a whole day outside without the gear...  spending this one day with the person I love

- go shopping

- go to school or university

- find friends. ... found the best and only one

             - singing on a big stage... singing a love song to the person I love

- It’s weird to write this down. I don’t know how I came up with this. I think I heard people talking about it.

On the end of the day with my love I want to

I just want to know how it is like and somehow I can’t imagine to go without experience it.

How do I write this down?

I don’t even know a tiny bit of it... I just don’t want to die as a .

Daehyun skipped through the pages and stopped at May 2012. It had been a couple of days after he reached the Accelerated Phase.

Dear Youngjae,

I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t.

You were standing by my bed all the time.

I could feel you and I wanted to open my eyes, smile at you and hold your hand, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.

My body wouldn’t move. It felt so cold inside me...

I was afraid, more than ever before.

But then I heard your voice.

You said that I looked beautiful, even now. Youngjae, how can you be so sweet?

You’re such a liar... Now you would insist that it was the truth, wouldn’t you?

I wish that I had this conversation with you.

And if these had been my last breaths, I would spent them with you, talking to you, kiss you once again.

If it was my last breath, I want it to be your name.

I beg heaven for one more day with you.

One more day to tell you all of this, one more day to love you...

Daehyun turned the pages until he reached a blank one. There were only 2 pages left. He grabbed a pencil and started writing.

Dear Youngjae,

I have no secrets anymore, you know my whole being.

You understand me like no one else. That's why I want you to have my diary.

It's not interesting, I fear... but it keeps all of our memories.

I wish I could give you more than this. I wish we had more time, because another day

isn't enough for me. I want an entire life with you!

I know it's impossible that's why I want you to move on, when it's time...

Youngjae, please be happy and smile that one special smile that I fell for.

Find someone, who doesn't hurt you as much as I did. I'm sorry for leaving you alone,

I'm sorry for clinging onto you and make you go through all of this.

I wished I could have protected you from the pain.

It’s enough when one of us suffers, I’m used to pain, so leave it to me.

Don’t be sad, don’t cry, Youngjae. Please, don’t cry.

I know that I’m not a strong person, but I will carry this last burden by myself,

this is not your duty.

I promise you that I will watch over you and I will be waiting.

Although it’s hard to say this, I wish I have to wait a long time.

Youngjae, live long, be strong and become happy.

I thank you for loving me the way I am. You already did too much,

I don’t think I deserved your love. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret

a single second with you. I had the most happy time of my life with you.

I love you and this will never change.

Right now, I’m thinking about later, when you will come to visit me and it

makes me missing you. But I always have to smile when I think about you.

Youngjae, if you’re reading this now, you’re holding my whole life in your two hands,

just like you always did. I live for you, you gave me a reason to get up every morning,

to smile, to believe in tomorrow and to have hope.

When I close my eyes, I can see you standing in front of me.

You asked me about my feelings for you, at that time I couldn’t answer you

properly. I will try again now.

I like you. I like your gentle hands, when you hold me, it feels like... coming home.

Your kisses feel like pure happiness. I like your voice, it’s calming and your

words make me stronger. When you’re with me, I can forget about everything else.

I thought about love, because you said no one really understands it.

But I think losing myself in your eyes, holding you, being hold by you, kissing you and

most of all, you staying with me, although we both know that there’s

no tomorrow, that we’re longing for; I think this is love.

Although there are a couple of hours left, until you will come, it’s like

I can already hear you running down the corridor, opening my room’s door.

I can already see you smiling at me, I can feel your hug and your lips on mine.

It’s a nice feeling, I want to keep this precious memory in my heart forever.

Dear Youngjae, I love you.

Daehyun

The pencil rolled out of his trembling hand. It had been exhausting to write that much.

A dull pain throbbing in his chest, but Daehyun wasn’t finished yet, he opened the drawer again and took out a picture in a frame.

It showed him and Youngjae. They’ve token it on his first day out. Both of them were smiling.

Daehyun looked a long time at the picture and gently over Youngjae’s face. He smiled, but he could feel the tears burning in his eyes.

He took out the picture and put it in between the last 2 pages, he had just written.

Then he closed the book.

He had just lain down on his bed, as a sharp pain pierced through his chest. It felt like thousand needles. His fingers dug into his bed sheets and he panted.

But somehow he managed it to press the button of the caller to get a nurse.

She immediately started talking about getting the doctor as she checked on the monitors. She didn’t listen to what he was breathlessly begging her.

Daehyun again pressed the button and felt a little relief as Youngjae’s mother appeared.

Everything went blurry in front of his eyes and his hands shook, the book felt heavier and heavier. But he passed it to her.

“I-It’s for... Youngjae. Only for... Youngjae”, he said with gritted teeth.

Then the pain took away his senses and everything went black.  

Wow!!!

70 subscribers, this is amazing!

I want to add that I was listening to "Lana del Rey - Summertime sadness" while writing this chapter.

I hope I can update soon, because I'm very busy at the moment...

Thank you for reading <3

I love every single one of you!

And by the way: Congratulations to B.A.P. for winning the PD's Choice Award at the MAMAs! <3

I'm proud of them!!