Whenever I think back of the first time I met you,
my heart beats fast and I can’t help but smile, even when tears are rolling down my cheeks.

Every winter I will remember our first meeting, it was 3 weeks before Christmas.

 It was freezing cold and snowflakes were dancing through the white air that came out of my mouth.

I was mad when my mother dragged me along to her work, I didn’t want to go there, but she begged me and promised me that for this favor I would get the best Christmas gift ever.

And I really got the best gift on earth, I just realized later... the meaning of this gift.

I’m thankful to her. Without her we wouldn’t have met. She knew probably before us. Do you think she felt that we were meant to be?

Right now, snowflakes are dancing in front of my eyes.

My hands are cold, my fingers are red, but I won’t go back. I will stay with you for the whole day.

It’s Christmas. I brought you a little gift, I hope you will like it.

I hope to see you smile, because I really love your smile, it makes me happy.

[10 years ago]

Youngjae pouted.

“Mom, I don’t wanna go”, he nagged. “It’s so cold outside”.

His mother shook her head.

“Youngjae, please. I beg you one more time, this is important! You know that I’m trying to help other children at your age to have a better life.
Daehyun is a lovely boy, he needs friends, too. He’s just very shy and I think you can deal perfectly with people like that.
And I absolutely know that you two will get along”, she said with a warm smile.

Youngjae struggled as his mother grabbed his arms.

“Mom, why do you want me to meet him? I thought you said, he will die soon”, Youngjae said furrowing.

He was 9 years old, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t understand the meaning of death. His mother stopped.

“How can you say that?”, she cried. Youngjae jumped back, surprised by his mother’s sudden anger.

“He deserves to live, too. He deserves to enjoy life, he deserves to have friends and to be happy, at least once in his life!”

Youngjae lowered his head, staring at his feet. Daehyun, the boy his mother wanted him to meet, was one year older than him.

He has had seen his data before, although he wasn’t allowed to. It was a mere accident.

But the facts about his life were burned into his brain.

Later when he was older he wondered how you could reduce a person’s life to a few facts listened up in a couple of lines.

Name: Jung Daehyun

Birthdates: 28.06. 1993 in Busan, South Korea

Current stationed in: Children’s Hospital Seoul

Room number: 220

Disease: Wiskott-Aldrich-Syndrome

Youngjae’s mother has been working at the hospital since 7 years now and she always loved the children there, but she never had cared more for a child like Daehyun.

Maybe because he had not a single friend and was the shy and timid kid who hid in his room and didn’t talk.

Daehyun was staying since 6 years at the hospital now. His parents had problems to handle his disease.

They couldn’t bear the thought of losing their child. When they learnt about his disease at his age of 3, they were told that their child wouldn’t become older than 10. There was no chance of cure.

She understood their pain, it had to be terrible to watch your own child dying.

But no matter how hard she tried Daehyun wouldn’t even talk to her, at least he wouldn’t hide behind his blankets when she entered the room and she was the only one who was allowed to touch him.

But Daehyun needed friends, every child needs a friend and that’s why she decided to bring her son along.

Youngjae was the noisy and friendly sort of children who would become friends with anyone. Somehow she had the feeling that he would be able to make Daehyun talk.

She felt sorry for screaming at him, Youngjae was still a child, he didn't mean it what he said before...

But she wanted the two to meet.

They reached the hospital with red faces and cold fingers. She took off her coat and took her son’s jacket and greeted the other nurses.

They all loved the cute Youngjae and cuddled him. He looked a bit annoyed but let them hug him and call him “cutie”.

“Can I see Daehyun now?”, he asked.

His mother smiled. “Of course”, she said.

The nurses looked surprised. “He wants to meet Daehyun? You know, sweetheart, don’t be disappointed, but he doesn’t talk”, one of them said. Youngjae shook his head.

“I know...”.

His mother led him to the room with the number 220 on its door. The nurses kept watching them, they looked curious.

She softly knocked.

“Daehyunnie? It’s me, may I enter?”, she said gently and opened the door.

The room was small. There was a little bed, a bedside table, a small closet and another door which led to the bathroom.

The curtains were closed and it was pretty dark in the room. A pale boy was sitting on the bed and stared at the two.

“I brought you someone along. He wants to meet you”, she said. Daehyun didn’t react.

“It’s ok. He is my son. May he come in?”, she asked patiently.

It was only a small movement, but it was clearly a nod.

Youngjae had seen it, too, until now he hadn’t done anything, but when he nodded, Youngjae started smiling.

“Hello. I’m Youngjae”, he said.

Daehyun eyed him and stayed silent. Some of the nurses had come to the door and were watching. They sighed.

Youngjae smiled again. Not brightly, his lips only lifted a little bit, but his mother loved that smile.

It was the world’s purest and gentlest smile, in her eyes.

Daehyun still looked at him. She wondered if he could even see him clearly, because it was so dark in his room.

“Hello”. The nurses opened their mouths and exchanged gazes.

“He talked”, they whispered.

Daehyun’s voice was quiet and shaky, but yet, he talked.

Then Daehyun’s eyebrows furrowed and he turned away.

Youngjae blinked, then he looked at his mother.

“He doesn’t want them to be here”, he said so confidently as if Daehyun had told him.

“What?”, his mother asked confused.

“The nurses. They disturb him”, he said.

Daehyun was sitting with his back turned to them and didn’t react, but he didn’t seem that tense anymore.

His mother asked the nurses to leave and stopped for a moment.

“Daehyunnie, is it ok now? They left. It’s just Youngjae and me now. Will you look at us again?”, she whispered. No reaction.

“Do you want me to leave, too?”, she asked. He slightly shook his head.

The two entered the room and closed the door behind them.

“It’s snowing outside. Don’t you like snowflakes? They look pretty”, Youngjae said. His mother smiled at her excited son.

Daehyun shot a glance at Youngjae.

“Do they?”, he asked. Youngjae nodded happily.

“Do you want to see them?”, he asked with a smile. Daehyun hesitated, then he nodded.

“Then I have to open the curtain. Is that ok?”, Youngjae asked carefully.

And his mother nearly cried because she was so proud of her caring son.

He had realized immediately that Daehyun needed to be treated in a special way. Daehyun nodded again.

Youngjae went to the window and slowly opened the curtains. The sky was grey and snowflakes were dancing in front of the window.

The streets were muddy, but the park was shining in a bright white. Daehyun’s eyes were half closed by the light flooding into his room.

Youngjae opened the window and reached his hands outside. He let the snowflakes fall into his hands, then he turned around.

“The snowflakes will melt when they enter the room. They only exists in cold places”, he said and waved.

“You have to come to the window”.

Daehyun eyed Youngjae and stayed silent. But he also didn’t get up.

“It’s ok”, Youngjae’s mother said softly. Daehyun stayed on his bed.

And – she had no idea, how Youngjae had known, the reason why Daehyun didn’t move – suddenly Youngjae went towards the bed.

He reached out his hand to Daehyun.

“Let’s go there together”, he said. Daehyun blinked. Youngjae smiled.

Seconds and minutes passed but he patiently waited.

Usually Youngjae wasn’t like that, he would get annoyed if he had to wait and he would pout and nag, but right now he smiled and waited. Until Daehyun’s hand gently touched his, Youngjae carefully intertwined their fingers.

He helped him to get up and they walked slowly to the window as if they had done it already a hundred times. Daehyun winced when they reached the window. Youngjae immediately looked worried.

“Cold”, Daehyun murmured. Youngjae smiled.

“Of course. Like I told you, snowflakes can only exist in the cold winter”, he said.

Without letting his hand go, he reached out his other hand and caught some snowflakes and watched them melting in his warm hand.

Daehyun was standing close to Youngjae and looked at Youngjae’s hand with the vanishing snowflakes.

“Where do they go?”, he asked. Youngjae looked up.

“They vanish. They die in your hands. Where do they go to?”, Daehyun asked. Youngjae shook his head.

“They don’t die. They melt and become water, they were frozen and then they thaw as soon it becomes warm”, he explained.

“We learnt that last week at school”, he added looking at his surprised mother.

“Try it”, Youngjae said to Daehyun. Daehyun slowly raised his hand and before he could stuck it outside he made one step back.

“It’s not dangerous”, Youngjae said smiling.

“But they melt, when I touch them”, he whispered.

“Snowflakes don’t feel pain, they don’t suffer”, Youngjae said quietly. He seemed to understand that Daehyun transferred his own pain onto other things.

“Then I want to become a snowflake”, he whispered and reached out his hand.

Youngjae looked sad. Some snowflakes landed on Daehyun’s hand. He looked closely at them but they melted quickly under his warm breath.

“But snowflakes can only exist outside in the cold winter”, Youngjae whispered.

“I can only exist in this room”, Daehyun said. Suddenly Youngjae started shaking and Daehyun turned surprised to his side. Tears were rolling down Youngjae’s cheeks.

“Why?”, Daehyun asked. He looked terrified as if it could be his fault.

Youngjae shook his head. “It’s not your fault”, he sobbed and he felt his mother’s arms.

“Darling. What’s wrong?”, she asked worried.

Youngjae didn’t answer and Daehyun wouldn’t talk to her, so she closed the window and brought Daehyun back to his bed. The boys let go of each other’s hand. Youngjae had stopped crying but he was very silent.

Before they left, Daehyun opened his mouth.

“Will you come again?”, he asked. Youngjae turned around and smiled again.

“Yes. I promise”, he said. Daehyun nodded.

“It was nice to meet you”, Youngjae added. Daehyun nodded again.

“I’m Daehyun”, he said. Youngjae looked firstly surprised but then he seemed to realize that Daehyun hadn’t introduced himself until now.

Youngjae smiled. “See you soon”, he said.

                                                                                  ***

Youngjae’s mother knocked on her son’s bedroom door. It was 9 pm but she was sure that he wouldn’t be sleeping by now.

“Sweetheart, are you ok?”, she asked softly into the dark room. Youngjae lay on his bed. He was lying with his back turned to her.

The blanket softly shook.

“Are you crying again?”, she whispered and closed the door behind her. She sat down on his bed and gently his arm.

“He really can’t leave this room, can he?”, he asked. His mother blinked.

“Well, he can but he doesn’t want to”, she said.

“He said he would die if he left his room”, Youngjae sobbed.

“What? When? I can’t remember that!”, she said surprised.

“He said he only can exist in his room... Like snowflakes can only exist outside”, he said.

His mother opened and closed it again. She sighed.

“I knew that you would be the one to understand his way of thinking”, she murmured.

“Mom, will he die when he leaves his room?”, he asked. His mother shook her head.

“He only needs the medical treatment and the whole gear, then he could go anywhere. But until now he had always been afraid to leave his room”, she explained.

“Can we go outside with him next time?”, he asked.

“Of course, but that’s something you have to ask him. If he wants to”, she said. Youngjae looked down.

“I asked, because I wanted to know if it’s ok... for him to leave his room”, he said. His voice got shaky again. His mother blinked.

“I don’t want him to die, when he leaves the room”, he said. Tears were falling down into his pillow.

“He won’t die. I will come with you and take care so that nothing happens”, she promised.

Youngjae smiled through his tears and nodded. “Ok”.

She sighed and his hair.

“Now sleep and don’t cry anymore”, she whispered and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

Youngjae struggled against the kiss, but he lost and let her kiss him.

She left and closed the door.

Youngjae stared into the darkness and closed his eyes.

He didn’t fall asleep right away and he didn’t stop crying.

He saw Daehyun’s fearful face, afraid of hurting others, he was afraid someone could suffer as much as he was.

His heart painfully beat against his chest when he thought about Daehyun’s words.

Later, when he was older, he was surprised himself about the way Daehyun talked.

He said things a 9 year old boy wouldn’t even think of.

He was never surprised about how he had been able to understand any of his words, the spoken but also unspoken ones.

They had been connected from the first second on.

One look into Daehyun’s eyes and he knew what he was thinking and feeling.

The pain and fear in Daehyun’s eyes hurt Youngjae.

He always had been a happy child, but through his mother’s work he was confronted with death often.

He often heard his parents talking about work, about the children who died.

The one child she couldn’t save from death, the other child that died in her arms and another child that died, but she couldn’t have done anything because it stood no chance.

Youngjae’s father would always say, she shouldn’t take her job home and she shouldn’t care too much about these children, because one day she would break down because of this.

But she never stopped, she still cared too much and she cried at night in her room because of another child that died.

And Youngjae heard all of this, he never fully understood the meaning behind this.

But after he got to know Daehyun, everything changed.

And this night he cried, because he feared the night to come when his mother would cry, because a boy called Daehyun would have died.