Note : Italic ---> Flashback

" I’m so sorry .. I can’t leave her.. I do love you.. but I love her more.. "

Because life is all about choice..

It’s funny, how something that you thought is the most thing that could you trust can betray you so bad. How it can change, choose, and lie.. without you even realize. How could it lie and keep deny when it actually love her, not she..?

Heart.. Is one complicated thing..

My heart is betray me. How could it choose to be in 2 different life at same time? How could it choose to be in pain instead of happiness? How it could change easily and fall to another?

I feel so wrong.. and right at same time. It confuse me to the high level. I should choose,  it’s me who need to choose. The thing is, I don’t know who should I leave to make me feel complete in the end..

But now I know..

I stand across the church where the wedding held. My eyes keep stare at the gate, try to catch a glimpse of the bride and groom that might appear anytime soon.

No, I don't want go in, cause going in only remind me what of what I loose. 

It only remind me that I used to be a monster..

________________________

(Flashback)

It start 2 years ago.. I never knew that someone could interest with me. Moreover that someone is girl. Beautiful, attractive and smart girl who happen be my best friend. Tiffany Hwang.. that’s her name. She have this cheerful and positive attitude that can draw attention from everyone around her. Her crescent moon eyes smile make every guys and girls head over the heels at her. She perfect, almost perfect.. and she choose me.. she confess her love and choose to be with me.. I’m so lucky am I?

“ I like you. “ Tiffany said it softly as she close her eyes tight cause she afraid to see my reaction or answer.

Actually, I don’t know what to do at the time. It just amazed me that someone like her can fall in love with someone like me. I mean I’m only ordinary girl compare to her. Moreover after she said that she been feel that since long time and she keep hide it to me until now. It just wow.

“ Look it’s okay if you don’t have same feeling, I just want you to know Taetae.. “ she add softly after seen no reaction from me after while. But what I said later make her completely speechless.

“ Me too. “ I said as I smile to her. “ I think I like you too, Fany ah.. “

“ … “ that’s exactly her reaction at the time, she only can stare at me blankly before suddenly jump from he seat to hugs me tight.

“ Oh my God, Oh my God, oh my God, “ she repeat the words as she squeeze me tight. “ Tell me I’m not dreaming. “ she ask me.

“ You not dreaming. “ I said as I chuckles a little.

She pull back only to look at me. “ Tell me that you love me? “

Smiling cause her adorable act I pokes her nose gently and said, “ I love you “

“ Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ “ she scream in high pitch before paunch herself to me again as I only can laugh and support her body so we not fall back to the floor.

Honestly, I don’t know why I said yes to her at the time. I don’t even have any feeling towards her beside the fact that she my best friend and I love her. But something inside my heart said, that I want give it try for us. I don’t want be regret in the end cause I said no too fast. So I said yes. Sound selfish? Maybe, but I really want give effort to the relationship, I mean, who know that in time we together, I actually fall for her? And that what exactly happen after it, I start fall for her, little by little. Slowly but sure until I finally thinking about live forever with her. But that’s before I met her.. before I start questioning about my first love.. before my heart betray me..

__________________________

I still remember vividly in my head the first time I meet her. It was evening, beautiful autumn evening. I was waiting for my coffee on my favorite café. I always love the smell of coffee blend with the orange of falling leaf. It like familiar feeling that remind me of home. I smile when I remember home. It’s been long time since I go back home, I miss my family so much. I hope christmas come soon so I can go back home at the time.

My thought interupted when suddenly someone open the café's door. The 'cling' sound somehow attract my eyes to glance at it. And then I saw her.. the most beautiful person that I ever meet in my life. She took off her sun glasses and scarf. She let her long brunette fall down so softly around her shoulder and collarbone, before  her eyes scan around the area to find an empty table. I suddenly feel can't breath properly and all I see is her. And then I realize that whole this time, I’ve been hold my breath. The burning sensation on my chest make me don’t have choice to finally take a breath, and when I do, all I can smell is vanilla, the flavor that I never thought so lovely until now.

Unfortunately my coffee finally come. With half of my heart I pay for it and turn around to leave when someone collide into me.

“ Oouch! “ I heard a high pitch voice yell as my coffee now spill into a sweater and part of someone hand.

“ Oh my god, I’m so sorry! “ I said as I look up and found her in front of me.

She bite his lips and hissed as she hold on to her hand that burn from the coffee.

Feel so guilty about my careless I reach her hand and grab my handkerchief, before slowly clean her hand and sweater. I gulp when I feel how soft her skin against my hands, my heart beat so fast when the vanilla scent intrude my nostril again. It was her scent, all of her is smell vanilla.

“ I will pay for your sweater laundry.. “ I said guilty as I still try clean her sweater that ruin, thanks for my coffee.

“ It’s fine, really. “ She gave me soft smile before excuse herself to bathroom to clean herself more.

I closed my eyes and sighed. I wipe away the sweat that form on my head. I don’t know what makes me so intense and feel hot, I mean it’s almost winter and cold outside! I sit on some vacant chair as my eyes keep looking at the bathroom area, waiting for her comeback. She back 15 minutes later, she now take off her sweater and only wear baby blue long sleeve shirt. Almost immediately I got up and approach her.

“ I really am sorry.. “ I said again as I bite my lips.

She little bit surprise when saw me suddenly come to her but then smile at me, “ It’s okay, it’s accident. “ she said as she now order her coffee.

“ Where do you live? “ I suddenly ask her.

She look at me and chuckles softly, “ Why? Are you try to flirt  on me now? “she said teasing me.

I widen my eyes at her playful answer and shake my head quickly, “ N-No! I mean I ruined your sweater, and it’s cold outside.. so I- maybe I could take you home, with my car.. “ I explain my intension and she laugh at my outburst.

Gosh her laugh so soothing.

She stare at me for minute, “ What’s your name? “ she suddenly ask curiously.

“ Taeyeon, Kim Taeyeon. “

“ Hm.. “ she grab her coffee and nodded her head, “ It’s only few block from here, but okay. I’m Jessica by the way. “

I smile at her when she tell me her name before quickly lead the way to my car, “ Jessica.. that’s nice name. Well, shall we? “ I said as I open the café door for her.

Again she chuckles before walk outside, “ Thank you. “

I never been so nervous in my life. The whole ride from café to her home my heart keep pound hard. I try hard to keep focus on road, I was excelent driver but with the fact that she sit beside me make the simple thing like driving can be so hard.

“ You can stop the car at the big tree there. “ she said to me as she pointed the big tree that stand 100 meter from where we are.

I nodded my head before slowly stop the car and parking near the tree. I look outside to look at neighborhood.

“ I live there. “ she pointed the building across the street as she unbuckle her seatbelt.

I lookat  the building, “ It’s nice. “ I said to her.

“ It’s only small apartment.. “ she smile sheepishly. “ Um.. do you want come in? “ she ask me.

I turn my head at her and for first time our eyes stare to each other. I could say no and just leave, back to my home and cuddle with girlfriend. But no, my heart want me stay, my heart make me do the opposite. That's why I finally nodded my head and follow her inside the apartment, that choice forever become my nightmare.

She open the door to her room and let me inside. Like she said, the apartment is small, only have one bedroom, one bathroom, one kitchen and living room. I look around and notice her try to put her sweater to her washing machine.

“ Hey do you have first aid kit? I think we should tend your hand first. “ I said to her.

She smile to me before goes to bathroom and back with the aid box.

I ask her to sit on couch before grab the medicine for burning in aid box. I slowly put it on her hand and wrap it with bandage. Whole the time I do that we not talk a single words.

“ It’s done. “ I smile when I look at my work before look up only meet eyes to eyes with her.

I gulp when realize how close our position is. I can even feel her breath on my face.

We keep staring for don’t know long before I notice that we slowly lean more closer..

Closer..

Until our lips meet.

We kissed, so gently and slowly but turn to be passionate moment later.

I just can’t think of anything anymore. All I feel is how fine her lips and skin against mine now.

I fall down.. and deep. Without knowing that I about ruin my life.

______________________________

I never thought that small session of make out can turn into the bigger affair in my life. I just can’t get enough Jessica. She like drugs, so addicted to me. I can’t stand a day without kiss or touching her. I’m jerk I know but I never want to stop.

I was at her apartment. We messed her bed since I come an hour ago and we still on it. I miss her skin on mine, I miss her touch, I miss her scent, I miss her everything. Funny because it’s only 3 days since we last meet and I feel like it’s 3 decade. I was busy with Tiffany up coming birthday while Jessica busy company her girlfriend who work as a model.

Yes we both have girlfriend, but we never stop seeing each other since our first met. This affair is done for almost a year. We lied to our partner for whole time. We just don’t know why we don’t leave our girlfriend and be together.

“ Will you be here tomorrow? “ I ask her as I intertwine our finger together and kiss her earlobe.

“ I don’t know Taengoo.. Yuri want take me to Jeju Island this weekend. “ she answer me as she moan softly when my lips on the pulse of her neck.

I groan and pull away from her in annoyed, “ Yuri, Yuri, Yuri.. I hate hearing her name.. “ I said as I look at the ceiling.

I heard Jessica sigh before turn her body to me and rest her chin on my chest.

“ Well she my girlfriend I just can’t neglect her. “ she said to me.

“ Then leave her! Be with me instead. I love you. “ I said to her.

“ Will you leave Tiffany for me? “ she ask me slowly.

For moment I feel so torn, but then I remember how whole this time I’ve been unfair to Tiffany. Maybe it’s time to choose..

“ I do. “ I said to her softly before turn to look her in the eyes. “ I will leave her, but you must broke up with Yuri and live with me. “

Jessica not said anything when I said that. She only look at me with confuse and unsure eyes.

“ I don’t know Taengoo.. I don’t know.. Give me time.. “ she said as she now bite her lips and look at the ceiling.

I scooted closer to her and wrap my arms around her tiny waist and kiss her shoulder gently.

“ I love you so much Jessica Jung.. I’ll do anything for you.. “

_____________________________

“ Who is she? “ Tiffany ask me coldly as her eyes stare into my soul. Sad, pain, betray, I can almost see it all in there.

I’m not say anything and only look at her in guilty. In her hand, she still hold tight of my shirt where Jessica’s lipstick can see on one of side of the collar.

“ Answer me Kim Taeyeon. “ she step closer to me. I still stand on my ground and just look at her.

“ Fany I.. “

“ Did you f’ck her? Hm? “she ask me with cold and dangerous voice. “ Did she better f’cker than me? “

“ What are you talking about..? “ I look at her surprise with the outburst, she never act like this. But everyone have their own first of everything, maybe my act just pull the trigger of her mad button.

“ Answer me! “ she slap my left cheek, make me stumble to back a bit. I hold on my cheek before slowly look back at her.

“ Did she taste good? “ she slap my cheek again, more harder than before. This time I clenched my jaw and curled my fist.

“ Did she make you c'm hard? Huh, Kim Taeyeon? ANSWER ME!!! “ she scream to my face.

“ YESS! “ I scream back to her as I now panting in anger and look inside her eyes. “ Yes, she good f’cker. I f’ck her hard on her p''sy, she taste like heaven and when she c'm she scream my name. “ I answer her angrily without even think what I said.

Tiffany sobs hard after I finished my last words. She slap me again, hard and twice in cheek. She hit my chest couple times before pull away and just cries hard while stumble down on bed. That's I realize what I just do to her.

“ My gosh.. Fany.. I don’t.. “ my tears start fall down on my cheek as I saw her curled on bed, hugging herself. How can I hurt her like that.. What kind of person am I..? A monster, I must be a monster..

“ Go. “ I heard her said between her sobs.

“ Fany, I… I’m so sorry.. “

“ Leave.. now.. GO! “ she scream at me again as she sobs hard. “ I DON’T WANT SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN KIM TAEYEON! YOU HURT ME SO MUCH DAMMIT! “ she said as she clutch on her chest. “ You hurt me so much.. “ she sobs again.

My body tremble hard as I put my hands on my mouth, silently cry and guilty of what I’ve done to her. “ I’m so sorry.. “ I said as I take a breath and leave out the house.

I cry and start to run.

I keep run and run to place that I know the best that can make me calm.

Jessica..

_____________________________________

“ Taengoo..? “ Jessica who open the door confuse when look at me stand there with body full of sweat and tears.

“ Sica.. “ I said between my sobs before hugs her tight.

“ Taengoo what happen? “ she said softly as she rubs my back.

“ Tiffany.. she knows.. everything.. we have big fight.. I-I leave her.. “ I said to her between my sobs.

Jessica frown when heard the news and just keep hugs me in her embrace. “ Oh Taengoo.. I’m so sorry.. “ she said softly in my ear.

I pull back and cupped her cheek, look at her in the eyes, “ I.. leave her.. for you.. “ I said as I caress her cheek so softly with my thumb.

“ Taengoo.. “ she look at me sadly. “ Taengoo I- “

But before she can even said any words again, I pull her for kiss, I kiss her hard and passionately. We kiss for minute before she slowly pull apart.

“What..? What happen..? “ I protest as soon he lips leave mine.

“ Taengoo.. I can’t.. “ she said as she pull away from my embrace and step back.

I arched my eyebrows in confuse when I look at her who now looking down and sighed.

“ Yuri ask me to marry her.. “ she said in whisper but the effect it’s like thunder to me.

“ What..? “

Jessica look up to me before continue sadly, “ And I said yes.. “

I almost faint in my spot as I heard what she said. I gulp hard and about to pull my hair out. It’s just too much. I shake my head slowly as I wish that all of this is only dreaming.

“ I thought.. you love me.. “ I said to her as my tears streaming down in my face. This is not fair. I try hard to breath as everything feel so suffocated now. “ It’s not fair.. “ I said as I shook my head. “ It’s not fair.. “

“ Taengoo.. “ Jessica step closer to me, try to calm me down by hold on my arms softly.

“ Why..? “ I ask her helplessly. “ I leave everything for you.. “

“ I’m so sorry Taengoo.. I can’t leave her.. I do love you.. but I love her more.. “ she said to me.

Her voice only make me feels like being stab in heart.

“ Taengoo.. “ Jessica bite her lips hard as she keep rubs my arms, but everything about her is like acid now. Her touch, her voice.. it burn me to death.

I take a breath try to calm myself before ask her one more question, “ Tell me what she have that I don’t have.. cause god dammit Sica.. you killing me here.. “ I look at her desperately.

She sighed before answer me softly, “ She have my heart.. “

(End Flashback)

And that’s the end of me.

The end of person who got betray by her own heart.

There’s nothing to blame but me.

My choice who led me here.

I was just selfish.. selfish to get love..

Funny, because I end up without love now..

I hold my breath when I see Jessica smile happily with her wedding gown while another girl who I believe name Yuri kiss her on lips and hugs her close. She still pretty like always.

Then my eyes shift to the café next the church where I surprisingly saw the eye smiling girl sit and laugh with a handsome guy that hold her hand close and look at her with love.

And I remember myself.. alone and loveless..

I sighed  as I let my tears once again fall on my cheek.

Love..

Life..

And death..

We never know when or how it come to us..

I wipe the tears from my cheek and take my breath before step up to walk across the street..

Without knowing a car with high speed approach me from other side of road..

My name is Kim Taeyeon, and this is my story..       

END

a/n : annyeonghaseyo! It's been long time not update this story ^^;
The story this time is angst, with message that you can't get anything you want in life so you must choose or something like that.. ouo;;
I really hope you can enjoy it, I might post another story later, soon, and it might be not so dark and sad like this one ouob
Last,pardon any grammatical error and typo, you know english not my first language ^^;
Well, happy new year everyone! Keep love GG! \O/