My not-so-deep slumber’s interrupted by the lights trying to pierce my closed eyes. I open my eyes and force myself to stand up and close the windows. I don’t remember opening them the night before though. It’s still silent so I guess Minhyun’s still asleep which is also a bit weird, because he never wakes up later than 5am, and the clock says it’s already 5:15am. I unwillingly walk straight to the door. I am excited to see Ren, but the exhibit will be at 6pm so I really don’t find a reason why I woke up this early. Of us three, I am the heaviest sleeper. Minhyun and Ren aren’t even heavy sleepers.

There’s a weird feeling when I touched the knob. It’s so cold that I flinched at the first contact. I try holding it again and when I seem to adjust to the coldness, I slowly turn it. My heart beat unbelievably faster when I see what’s on the other side of the door. I rub my eyes very hard to make the illusion disappear. However, it is still there when I open my eyes. Honestly, I am terrified by what I saw but my body start to approach it like it has a mind of its own. After 4 long years I am walking to the same place again.

Our little dorm room. I and Ren’s dorm room.

I start to scan the room. The light coming from the windows near my bed makes the room a lot more nostalgic. I glance at the clock and it reads 5:20am. Then I look at Ren’s calendar and see that it’s July 6, 2008. I hold the calendar and adore the small crosses Ren draws when a day is completed. He does that to make him remember the date. I came back on the last week of our class before summer vacation.

I continue to admire Ren’s table that is full of pink stuffs and some books properly piled up. Suddenly, I hear a creaking sound behind and so I look back. There I see the 16-year old Ren coming out after readying for the day. Panic begins to eat up my entire body but then I soon calm down because he went past through me. So, I’m an illusion? I’m time-travelling? Shrugging the thoughts off, I follow Ren. He went straight to my bed and there I saw my 16-year old self. I feel my cheeks heat up as I see how I sleep back then. I am hugging a big, orange pillow tightly and I have this weird position close to fetus-like. I’m pretty decent but still, now I wonder I survived dorm life. It’s really embarrassing when someone sees how you look like when you sleep. It’s more embarrassing when someone’s intently looking at you. Wait! Why is Ren looking at me like that?

Ignoring the sleeping me, I look at Ren and try to decipher whatever it is that is shown on his face. Why does he look so sad? He moves his hand like he is going to touch my face but hold it back when his palm and my skin are almost in contact. He then sighs and shakes my shoulder.

“JR, it’s already 5:25, wake up.”

After saying the same line, with only the time changing, for 10 times, or is that 20, I finally wake up. I look at Ren with sleepy eyes and smiles when I seem to wake up a bit, for real.

“Good morning, Ren!” I greeted.

“Hurry and change, I want you to do something for me.” Ren calmly said.

I lie back to my bed when I heard what Ren said that causes him to literally drag me to the bathroom. “Hurry JR. I’ll be waiting at our meeting place. I give you 5 minutes, okay? I need to catch the sunrise.”

“What?” I yelled, or little JR yelled.

“Just hurry, please? And oh, wear the clothes I prepared, I’ll put it on your bed. Okay?”

And with that Ren dashes out of the room. I walk to my bed and see the white t-shirt and white pants Ren have prepared. Then it hit me, I rush back to the calendar and then to the clothes. How can I forget? This is my last happy day.

My thoughts are interrupted when I see myself rush out of the bathroom and prepare. I laughed at myself, I was silently cursing Ren for having a big effect on me that I am ready to follow whatever he says.

I join the little JR in running towards the meeting place. There we see Ren assembling his camera. I already knew what was going to happen but my 16-year old self back then knew nothing. It’s not like I can read Ren’s mind. No one will be able to read him, not even Minhyun. He already perfected his mask that anyone would be surely deceived.

My 16-year old self walk towards the busy Ren and watch. I remember I was so amazed by how his hands worked really fast and was bothered by my running heart. I felt really good that I already knew my feelings back then, at the same time overwhelmed by the overflowing emotions attacking me all at once.

I decide to stand a bit away from them, still worried that I will bother the most precious moment of my life thus far. I see little JR flinch when Ren suddenly looks at him after he finishes assembling the camera parts. I thought I won’t be able to relive this moment again but now I am even watching it like it’s some kind of a true-to-life movie.

“Now JR, promise me you’ll agree, okay? No, you have no choice but to agree.” Ren half-begged.

“If that won’t kill me then I agree, what is it Ren?”

“You stand there beside that tree, hurry, then I’ll set the camera on timer.”

My little-self did what I was told to do. I walk towards the place where I should stand up. “Here?” I shout, in case I am wrong or what.

“Yes, wait.” Ren said and he ran towards me. He stands up right in front of me and holds my shoulders. “Now, I set the clock to timer, all you need to do is kiss me.”

“Huh? What?” I asked, dumbfounded. Is he asking me to kiss him? Yes he is.

“JR please? I’ll explain after, okay? Time is running and the sun, I need the color, the sunrise, okay?” he said and immediately closed his eyes.

I look at his perfect face for a while before focusing on his pink heart-shaped lips. All I want to do is to draw him, why, how, how was I given that opportunity that time? I swear my rib cage won’t be able to hold me heart any longer. The camera timer also runs. Left with no choice, I leaned forward until our noses touch. Seeing Ren this close makes me happy, he let me enter his personal space. I inhaled before I let our lips touch.

He asked me the night before if I’ve kissed Minhyun already, the truth is that I’ve never kissed anybody yet. I’ve never been in a relationship before Minhyun, and we even didn’t end up like that too. Ren is my first kiss, and it’s so awkward that for a while no one moved in the kiss. Then I felt Ren smile a bit. I pulled away and saw that he already opened his eyes, lips are curled into a small smile.

“Camera isn’t flashing yet, JR-sshi.”

And I took that as a cue, I captured his lips again and this time my lips moved on its own. I was shocked when Ren began to move his with me and then our lips danced to a song only us could hear. I didn’t even hear the camera’s flash anymore, maybe Ren didn’t hear it too. We continued our sweet and gentle kiss, no teeth or tongue involved, just our lips feeling each other. After God knows how long we unwillingly parted because, whether we like it or not, we need oxygen. I felt that my face was burning but I faced Ren with all my strength. I didn’t know if it was just my imagination or Ren’s cheeks were pinker than usual. No one spoke, as if the comfortable silence was enough to convey what we felt for each other.

However, unexpected things happened after that. Now I see my 16 year-old self sulking inside our little dorm room. I can’t help but silently cry too when I see the opposite side of the room empty. I pity myself so much, I want to hug the boy who is crying hard on his bed but I can’t. The pain doubled now that I see how miserable I looked back then. I thought everything’s okay. I thought I already understand everything. I am wrong.

I remember seeing Ren fixing his hair that Monday before we go to school. I offered to wait for him but he literally pushed me away, saying that he’ll need a lot of time. “See you at school, JR.” He said while waving and smiling like an idiot. I waited but he never came. As soon as heard the bell for dismissal I rushed towards our room and I found it empty. Too quiet, too clean. I opened Ren’s cabinet to see nothing. His bed is empty. When I went to his table I found a little note.

“Thank you JR. Thank you. And sorry.”

That’s when I broke down. I stayed inside the room the next day. I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink, I didn’t do anything but to cry. I was shocked myself that I have that much water inside my body. I wondered when I would lose supply. I grew very tired I didn’t notice that I fell asleep. When I woke up I saw a pair of eyes looking at me.

“JR-sshi.”

I cried again. I saw how Minhyun looked at me. I cried because I pitied myself so much. I cried because I was so stupid. That moment I felt so vulnerable. When I looked at Minhyun I saw him crying too. Why was such a pretty face crying like that?

“Do you know where could he possibly go, Minhyun-sshi?”

Minhyun shook his head as a reply. “He disappeared once too, JR-sshi, and I found him here. Now I don’t know where. Not in Busan, definitely not there.”

“Why?” As if that question sums all of the questions I wanted to ask, I didn’t talk again. I cried like a child. Minhyun cried with me. After that he told me to eat. When it’s almost curfew, Minhyun left me with the untouched food. I couldn’t eat. I had no will to eat. The only thing I was able to do was to cry.

Then someone’s shaking me hard. I open my eyes and see a worried Minhyun looking at me.

“JR-sshi, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

I let my hand touch my cheeks. They are indeed wet. Then the pillow I used is wet too. “I had a bad dream. No, a good, then a bad? I don’t know.”

“You worried me. I heard you shouting a while ago. Come, let’s eat. You’ll finally see Ren later!” Minhyun said.

“Yes. Finally.”

---

I know this is confusing. There are two JRs in this chapter, the 16-year old and the present. Un-beta-ed. Thank you to my subscribers, readers and commentors. :) I think the next chapter will be the last, or if not there are 2 chapters left. OMG I hope this is okay. T^T Sorry if the kiss scene's awkward, never felt something like that before. Oh fail me. :))

nowplaying: 미친거니 (Going Crazy) - Song Jieun feat. Bang Yongguk