The world stopped. My world stopped. Everything seems not to move as our eyes meet. I forced the tears back as I tried to say something but I failed, letting out a whimper instead. I am very happy, I am also troubled. I want to have the answers, I want to let him know what I felt, I want to show my frustration, I want to… I want to hug him and never let him go again. But at the moment I felt like I won’t be able to do anything.

He starts to approach me with the same awkward smile and all of a sudden I want to run, but then again, I can’t. I let him come close and I was shocked because he did the thing I so wanted to do a while ago. The feeling I longed to have. A hug. He starts to whisper his apologies and goes on and on. I want him to stop. I know, I know that he won’t leave me without any reason.

After some time of him hugging me while chanting the same ‘I’m sorry’ I am finally able to say something, or so I think, but of all the things I wanted to say, I only manage to say a word. “Why?”

He released me from the comfort of his embrace, eyes catching my own as he holds my shoulder tight. He seems… troubled too. Maybe he doubts if he should tell the truth or push everything in the corner again. Not that I mind, no, maybe I do, but I realized that as soon as he’s here standing in front of me uttering his utmost apologies, then I’m ready to forget everything. After all, I’m still a friend and I should give him the air he needs to breathe.

He gave one of his sincere smiles again. Maybe he’s done reading my mind. I braced myself for whatever he’s about to say while trying to give a smile back. Before I can do, he opens his mouth. “Do I have a chance to explain JR? Do you mind if I sort of, uhh, narrated here? Is it okay?”

I finally showed my smile after I processed his question. That’s what I’m dying to hear, an explanation. Then maybe, I’ll be able to understand him. I nodded as a response and I need not to wait any longer for him to start.

“I, you know I was a bit arrogant and a brat right? Well, sadly, I can’t be like that to my father. I’m so scared of him that I did nothing but follow whatever it is that he’d like me to do. I studied in one of the best schools in Busan, I became the best student, I tried to socialize every time there’s a gathering or something that I needed to show my famous fake smile. I did everything to please him. But then—“

I wonder why he stopped talking. Then I realized that I was chuckling a bit. I immediately stopped when I caught myself doing such. He looked at me with curious eyes and I’m left with no other choice but to tell him the reason why. “You’re boasting. I thought you’re implying that you are a good son. Sorry. I won’t intrude again, I promise!” I said as I raised my right hand.

He laughed as he hears my reason. That laugh, I was longing to hear it again. I’m so lucky I’m given the chance to see and hear him laugh again. After a few seconds of laughter, he composed himself, readying to continue his explanation. I see that it’s hard for him to say it, and a part of me wants him to stop, I’m ready to accept him if he wants me to. At the same time I am happy that he’s trying his best to explain. In the end I let him continue, for his own sake, maybe for mine too.

“Where was I? Oh, but then, before high school, I found out that I’ve acquired something I don’t want. I thought it was nothing serious, the doctor just gave me medicines and asked me to come twice a month for check-up. So I went on with my life, entering a school that’s not on my choice and avoiding people as long as I can handle. Then you came into my life, I don’t know. I was overwhelmed. Minhyun and you are my only friends before, and Minhyun’s a persistent fellow. What surprised me is that you didn’t even do anything, I was like, amazed by you. I look up to you. I envy you. You really look happy when you draw, and me, I didn’t even know what makes me happy. No, scrap that, I did, but I couldn’t do it. I want to take photos, I discovered that I want it when I tried back in middle school. I was scolded when my father knew I joined the photography club. I wasn’t meant for it, I should’ve joined science whatever club. I don’t want to. I want somebody who can answer my questions. But nobody could, saying I was asking unnecessary questions. What’s unnecessary with the questions I asked? I want to learn, but they couldn’t give me the information I needed. In the end I always seek for the answers alone. But then, back when I brought the camera in our dorm, then… then—“

He stopped talking, I wanted him too. I mean, I noticed a tear escaping from his left eye. Unconsciously, I wiped the trail the tear had left and gave him an attempted support nod. I am here, I won’t leave him, ever. If he needed to stop it’s okay. If the past hurts him so much then I’m willing to forget everything, I’m willing to start something new. Gaining the right amount of courage I said, “It’s okay, if you can’t, if you don’t want to continue then it—“

“No! I’ve waited for so long. I want to tell this to you. I want to, I want to be fair JR. I want to show you that I trust you, that I’m really sorry, that I won’t be selfish anymore.”

I am shocked. I am grateful that he trusts me. Knowing this is enough. I smiled to show him that I am really happy then said, “If, if that’s what will complete you, then, I’m here to listen, Ren.”

“Thank you JR.” he said, and then he rubbed his face before continuing again. “That day, that’s when I found out that I actually have a sickness that would kill me. I don’t know, I don’t know why I visited the doctor early in the morning only to find out that I am going to die early. I wandered around the city, trying hard to forget everything I’ve learned, trying to dig my brain with some solutions. I was so frustrated, I was so desperate. It’s the first time I can’t think of something to solve my problem. Then, then I came across the pink camera. There I decided to do what I want, I don’t want to regret, that’s the only solution I had in my mind. To live my life to the fullest. I became happy. I really did, but then again, there’s something, no, someone I wanted that I couldn’t have. I’m happy because I have you and Minhyun. I’m happy because the both of you are happy. But then I can’t help but to feel left out. I was alone, trying so hard but to forget what I was actually feeling. I don’t want to be selfish too, I will die soon anyway, what’s the need of someone you like beside you. I don’t want to hurt you JR.”

And then time stops again. Ren stops too, and then covers his mouth when he seemed to realize what he’s said. So, I was, I was right, yes? But then, Ren, he’s sick, he’s, “Ren, are you, are you okay now, I mean—“

“I’ve slipped there.”

“Yes, you, you did.” I said, trying to hide the blush I’m sure is invading my cheeks right now. “And I, I don’t know what to feel.”

“You know what, the day I asked you ‘bout this photo, I mean, the kiss, I already knew that maybe, maybe you feel the same about me, so I wasn’t guilty. I’m sorry. It was blissful, really, that feeling when you held my waist closer so that you can deepen the kiss. The way I desperately clung onto you for dear life, because, hell, I can’t even stand properly.”

He’s also blushing while telling how he felt during that kiss. How can he even talk about it like that, I mean, I can’t even stay sane remembering his lips against mine, oh, and I swear I look like a volcano going to erupt. It’s suddenly so hot and I feel like I can’t breathe.

“The night before I left, I was contemplating on whether to tell you what I feel or to not even continue what I was planning. You’re with Minhyun and I don’t want to hurt him too so—“

“That, that time, we, we kind of broken up Ren, because—“

“I know, Minhyun told me, but it was kind of late, right? And you’re so slow! If you, if… no, there’s no more ifs, it already happened, there’s nothing we can do about the past. So, where am I? Wait.”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t, don’t you dare stop me when I start this part, I mean, this is the hardest part of all, okay?”

I nodded as I reach for his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. Hope he got what I meant. I want to give him the strength to continue, I want him not to give up. I’m here. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

“Before I left I tried to be selfish too, that’s why I asked for a kiss. One of my cousins died because of the same sickness JR, when he died I felt like I’ll be following him soon. I went to Busan to tell my parents that I’m dying. My mom, being the loving lady she is, persuades me to try the medication. My Dad, he changed after I told them what happened. He contacted his doctor friend from here then the next day I found myself inside an airplane with my mom. I was afraid, what if, what if the therapy shortens my already short life? I don’t trust people, I don’t even trust myself, so how can I trust a stranger? I came here, had the most painful days of my life, lost weight, lost my strength, I even lost my hair…”

That, that explained the wigs… I know I already have my eyes the biggest possible size it can be but I’m really really surprised. Never in the past 4 years did I think that Ren’s going through so much pain.

“Then I remembered you. I want to know what you’re currently doing. I asked my mom if she can find you, when she did, I started sending postcards. I wanted you to know, or to think, that I am living a happy life. I rode a bike, fed the birds on the park, climbed a mountain, played, I tried to learn how to dance, I tried doing everything that popped up on my mind. I was getting weaker and weaker each day. When I saw myself on the mirror I was terrified. The beauty you wanted to draw wasn’t me anymore. I changed. There came a time I couldn’t walk anymore. I was devastated, I thought I was going to die.”

Ren shakes hard. It’s obvious that he’s trying his best not to cry in front of me. But no, it’s enough. I reach for him and soon he’s shaking inside my hug. He’s crying hard that I can’t help but cry too. “It’s okay Ren, I’m here. I’m here.” I said while drawing circles on his back. There’s no way I’m going to leave him alone, not when he’s fighting with something bigger than the world.

“JR, I don’t know. It’s a miracle the doctor had me healed. But I was really afraid. I am really afraid. I want, I want to see you again, so badly, I want to tell you everything about me, no more secrets. I want to be fair, I want to make you feel better. I want so many things JR and I’m just, just so happy that I was healed. I’ll be strong again.”

It calmed me when I knew that Ren’s already healed but I felt bad at the same time. He was almost alone when that happened to him. If I can, I’ll stay beside him, share the strength and health that within me. I am also proud, because he is so strong, he is the strongest person I’ve ever met. I am so blessed that I came across a person like Ren. Now all I want to do is give him all the love I can give. I want to take care of him. I want to stay beside him for as long as time permits.

We stay like that for minutes, hugging each other, not caring about anything in the world. When he seems to calm down, he dusted off my black tux. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to have this wet.”

“No. It’s… uhh, is it okay? I mean this is not mine, and, and why am I the only one wearing black?” I almost face-palmed as soon as I realized what I have just asked.

“I am wearing black?” Ren said, pointing on his black tux while having a hello-don’t-you-see-is-this-not-black look. When I laughed he began saying, “So that I’ll be able to find you quickly, and, I don’t know. Kind of observed back then that black looks good on you.”

For the nth time that day, I blushed. Then an awkward silence surrounded us. Not really quiet, there’s some jazz playing on the background, the people chit-chatting can still be heard, but still, it’s awkward. I thought so hard of what to say to kill the awkwardness between us. And then I ended up confessing about what I did to his private room. “I, you know, the door’s open back then so I went inside, uhh, inside your private room?”

His eyes widened. Okay, I guess end of the happy reunion moments. He breathe hard then asked, “What, what on earth did you saw, JR?”

I instinctively raised my hand in front of my chest, ready for his attacks. “No, I, bottles of chemicals, some photos, then wigs and a disassembled wheelchair, and, and a box. Yep, that’s it, I think?”

“What did you see inside the freakin’ box?”

“Nothing. Nothing, really, believe me, I saw nothing. Minhyun came back so I rushed out and then that’s it.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

He retreated after that and fanned himself. What, what’s inside the box? How I wish I saw. I bowed and apologized for what I’ve done then saw him smiling as I stood up straight.

“Those, those are the remaining postcards JR. I don’t think you’d still want to see it after this so… I don’t know, really.”

“Huh? Did you really think you’re—“

“Do I look like kidding when I told you a while ago that I thought I was going to die?”

Then there’s silence again, more awkward this time. I brought the negative vibes back, I’m really kind of stupid sometimes.

“I’m going to stay here a bit longer, JR. I need to finish some business with the doctor and everything.” He stated all of a sudden.

I looked at him and held his arm while showing my most serious face. “Then I’m staying with you. I don’t mind how long, I’ll be staying.”

“No! You’re studying, and besides, I have Minhyun with me, and my mom will be coming too, so, JR, go back. I don’t want to ruin your studies. I’m already fine and—“

“No, I want to stay!” I half-shouted. I am going to stay, there’s no way I’m going back without him.

“No. It’s already planned. I mean, no, JR, don’t you trust me?”

“I do, but—“

“Then you’ll go back without me, I’ll follow, I promise.”

I really appreciate silence, I do. But this time it’s different, I find it annoying. Ren’s still Ren, I will not win over him, never. I sighed as I accept my defeat. I’m not good in arguments, and I think I will never be. I nodded to imply that I agree, that I’ll wait for him to come back, that I’ll wait for the right time. “And I ask for one thing too, Ren.”

“What is it?”

If I’m going to wait, might as well wait like how I used to. “The postcards, send them to me while, while I’m waiting.”

***

Even though I don’t want to, I went back to Seoul alone. The memories and promises from my trip firmly sculptured inside my mind. He’s going to return healthy. And by that time I’m going to let him see this portrait of him carefully hidden under my bed. It’s not fair that I saw that photo of us, uhh, kissing, while he didn’t see how majestic I drew him for our first year high school art project.

If not for that school, that art project, maybe I won’t be able to meet my friends. Maybe I won’t be able to experience the magic of being a high school teenager. When I think about it, the past may seem so hard, so painful, that I want to erase it sometimes, but I also learned. Maybe, instead of changing it, it’s good to move forward while bringing the lessons I’ve learned from it.

The past did change me to a better person.

I smile as I think of the things I never thought I’ll be thinking ever. As I walk outside, I heard the dorm manager calling my name.

“Kim Jonghyun-sshi!”

I immediately run towards her and as I stand in front of her desk I asked, “What is it, Ma’am? And good morning!”

“Oh good morning too. You have a letter. Here.” She said while giving me the ‘letter’. The sight of the pink envelope already completed my day. I took the ‘letter’ from her and ran to the university building.

I may look stupid, or I know I do look stupid, but I can’t erase the stupid smile on my face as I read what’s written on the envelope.

To: Kim Jonghyun

From: Choi Minki

PS: I hate it that I tripped down in the process of sending this, Kim Jonghyun, you, you’ll get what you deserve when I come back, but for now, eat ice cream for me. – Ren

PSS: Oh no, strawberry flavor please! I won’t forgive you if you eat another flavor seriously.

I swear I laughed hard, but I don’t care. I know I am a bit late too, but again, for now I care about nothing. I went straight to the convenience store nearby and bought a strawberry ice cream. When I came back, I was indeed late for the class, but I don’t care. I went straight to my desk and as I sat down, Baekho, the loud social butterfly back in high school, whom I ended up to be friends with, said, “You’re really strange, JR. Who the hell will smile when they arrive late in class?”

I smiled, and even though I know he won’t understand I still answered,

“A mysterious person and a strange person click perfectly, Baekho-sshi.”

---

UWAAAHHH OMG THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'M ABLE TO FINISH A CHAPTERED FIC! I AM SO SO SO HAPPY! OMG... To the people who read, subscribed and commented, thank you very much. If not for you I won't continue writing this one.

I'm still awkward with ending fics, you know, for me it's the hardest part of the whole story... because a lot of people like the first parts but end up disliking the story because of the ending... I know some are feeling that way right now. But I really really tried my best and I'm quite satisfied. Hehehe.

This is still unbeta-ed. Grammar/spelling mistakes, I'm so sorry.

Again, thank you, thank you very much people. I LO/\E YOU! ^^

Hope you'll continue to support NU'EST, coz I will. :)

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HAPPY NEW YEAR! Let 2013 be NU'EST's year! /LO/\Ehug/

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