I watch as Zi Ying finally emerges from her room, looking rather distraught and out of place. I get up from my seat on the sofa (Kai sniggers as he plants his on it) and walk after Zi Ying, who hid herself in the laundry room. Just as I am about to walk in, I look over at Tao, who seems to have caught on to what is happening and nods at me to see what’s wrong.

I knock on the door lightly before opening it. Zi Ying is sobbing quietly, not wanting to cry out loud and cause suspicion amongst the boys. Automatically I feel my legs move as I walk over and wrap my arms around her, feeling the hot tears soak into my shirt. I let her take her time, knowing well that something serious must have taken place a few seconds ago.

When she quietens down, she mumbles a quick sorry before wiping her eyes and face. It is red and patchy, but I couldn’t care less about her appearance compared to the pain in her heart. I take the handkerchief in my pocket and press it slightly to her cheeks, removing the damp tears that had settled and dried.

“Do you want to talk about it, or should I leave you alone?” I ask politely, knowing that women sometimes need their space to deal with things. Don’t ask me how I know – my older sister is always like this and I’ve learnt the hard way about women having erratic behaviour but I care too much for Zi Ying to leave her alone.

She shakes her head and opens , but a strangled noise comes out. She must’ve suppressed her cries too hard before, that’s why it’s hard for her to sound normal without cracking. She clears and smiles sorrowfully at me.

“It’s for the better,” is all she says, before turning away and looking out at the night sky. The stars are shining extra bright today, but not for the purpose that they should be. “He needs the space just as much as I do. It gives us time to rethink our priorities. Maybe then we’ll see if we’re meant to truly be together.”

I pull the clothes rack away from the wall and stand next to Zi Ying, opening up the window and letting the cool night air in. I sigh; I didn’t think that this would happen at all, although something small – tiny, even – inside me jumped for joy, because I could have the chance to prove my worth to her, but I felt rationalism draw me back. I couldn’t do this to duizhang… And I couldn’t do this to the group.

I don’t want to leave the room. I don’t want to have to explain everything to the members. This is something I want to deal on my own, and something I know I alone must overcome. Zi Ying isn’t the type to think irrationally. She must’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I know that she has good intentions for the two of us, but why now? Why of all times, when I need her the most?

I can’t lose her, not to anyone else, and definitely not to Yi Xing. I’ve seen the way he looks at her, and I’ve seen how he acts around her. She probably has no idea that she’s in his heart. And that hurts me the most, because she’s so vulnerable to his words.

What if I’m not good enough for her? Would letting go give her the happiness that I can’t give?

A surge of anger pulsates through my body and a sudden urge to scream out loud forges its way through my lungs, but I drown it out with louder cries. Her scent, her entire presence is in this room and I can’t seem to turn away, no matter where I face.

I let my emotions override my actions and I storm out of the room and out of the apartment, much to the guys’ curiosity. I end up on the rooftop again, where I sit quietly for the next few hours. The temperature has definitely dropped, and I’m shivering heavily by the time Joon Myun finds me, with a thick blanket in tow.

“Cold night, huh?” he says, sitting down next to me. “Reminds me of the time we went to the mountains as trainees. Yun Ho sunbaenim took us for a training exercise, and we thought it was going to be hell, but it turned out so fun we swore we’d be caring leaders like him, remember?”

I felt the sides of my lips tug upwards. I nod in reply to Joon Myun. It had been one of the best days of my life. I had never felt so connected to my group mates before. At that time, everything seemed so purposeful and full of energy. I thought it was the right thing at the right time, but now I doubt myself and my decisions. Is this what I really wanted in my life?

“I don’t know what happened before in the apartment, but remember that we’re always here to pick you up when you’re down. The group will always be here. I will always be here if you need me. Everyone else may abandon you, but EXO will never. We were forged as one, and will stay forged until we die.” Joon Myun reiterated Yun Ho hyung’s words to us, and I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes. I blink furiously to stop it.

“Let go of your insecurities and tackle them head down. If there’s anything we can help you with, we will.” He ends, slinging his arm across my shoulders and squeezing them.

“Thanks,” I reply hoarsely, my throat dry from the crying. Joon Myun smiles brightly at me, and I gratefully reply the gesture. “It’s just hard now… Everything with Zi Ying… It’s all crumbling before my eyes. I don’t know how I can gather all the pieces back together to have her back in my life. It’s looking pretty dismal now. I’m not even sure if she’ll give me a chance again. I broke her heart once, and I’ve broken it again. How much of a jerk am I? Tell me. I need to know,”

I wake up feeling groggy and nauseous. My appetite has dwindled to the size of a pea and my bones feel heavy and lethargic. I groan as the pain shoots through my head and back – I must’ve had a really bad sleep last night.

I am ready to get out of bed and into a hot shower, but the sight at my feet makes me halt in my step. Kyung Soo, Tao, Yi Xing and Se Hun are all sprawled across my bedroom floor, each sleeping in a precarious position, much like Tetris pieces trying to fit into the awkward shape of my room.

Trying to keep quiet and tiptoe out of the room was an immediate failure, seeing as Kyung Soo and Yi Xing are such light sleepers that even my breathing can cause them to be wide awake and very much alive.

“Oh, Noona you’re awake,” Kyung Soo mentions, rubbing his eyes. I’m surprised that he’s slept without Jong In by his side. Se Hun is clinging on to his blanket tightly, squished between the wall and Tao, who looks like a wild caveman in his native habitat. Yi Xing shuffles over to my bed and lies on it, using my covers to keep himself warm.

“Do you want me to cook breakfast?” Kyung Soo offers, and I gratefully accept it. The wide eyed boy then walks out of the room to wash up, before Yi Xing sits up on my bed and pats on the empty spot next to him.

I walk over and sit down, amazed at how these boys manage to look so beautiful, even if they have drool crusts or eye crap. Is it just me who manages to look so hideous in the mornings?

I don’t talk much, seeing as I’m trying to work through a terrible headache, but Yi Xing’s gentle voice doesn’t hesitate to lull me back into a light doze. I rest my head on his shoulder, listening to him remind me of how much I’m worth. It’s flattering, but also embarrassing. I feel my mind signalling me to tell him to stop, but I’m too tired to even move a muscle.

…

…

…

“BREAKFAST IS READY!”

I jolt awake, eyes widening at the voice. I look around my room, feeling a tiny bit disorientated, but soon realising what had taken place before I slipped into dreamland again.

Tao is now sitting up from his sleeping position, sleepily yawning and trying to shake Se Hun awake. Yi Xing is still sitting next to me, but is rubbing his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I say, reaching over to massage it for him. He smiles back at me widely, grateful for the gesture. “I know my head is heavy.”

Yi Xing shakes his head, frowning as he does so. “No don’t say that! It’s just that I was really nervous so I kept still the entire time.”

I laugh just as Joon Myun opens our room door, revealing Lu Han beside him. Se Hun wakes up with one call from Lu Han and doesn’t hesitate to lock himself next to his hyung tightly. I smile at that sight and continue to massage Yi Xing’s shoulder, since it was partly my fault.

Joon Myun mentions for all of us to gather in the dining room for breakfast and Wu Fan just so happens to walk by, looking into my room before frowning and walking away quickly. I look to Yi Xing as he returns the same guilty look.

I initiated this semi-break, but there’s this gnawing feeling in my mind every time I look at Wu Fan. It’s as if it’s telling me to go back to him and give him a second chance. But each time I think about it, another voice in my mind keeps telling me that I can’t continue to put myself in a place where I’ll constantly be hurt, time and again.

After a long time of wanting to be back in his embrace, the mere fact that people change over time had slipped from my mind. I had forgotten that Wu Fan had grown up. I had forgotten how I’ve changed and become someone I was not – once carefree and spontaneous, now closed in and quiet.

If I wanted this to work, I’d have to prepare myself for any sort of obstacle that will come my way. If this meant taking a long time to prepare then I’ll put the effort in. I’m not the kind of person that will give up easily, but every time I see Yi Xing, I wonder if my efforts would have gone to waste waiting on a relationship that might not work.

It’s not like I hate Yi Xing. I’d just always have to remind myself that he’s just a friend. But what if, what if, he was meant to be more than that? What if this chance was given to me to love, and be loved back? Is this what it is?

I’m caught in between the love I’ve always envisioned and a new love that could change my course of life. The decision isn’t hard, but the situation is making things so complicated for us. Is there even a way out?

I sigh and walk out of my room with Yi Xing and Tao in tow, listening to the shuffling footsteps gather around the dining table. The apartment is small, so it forces all of us to sit on the floor instead. Kyung Soo, bless his soul, has already cleaned the table and placed breakfast on it neatly, along with clean bowls and utensils.

“Thanks Kyung Soo,” I whisper to him softly, while the boys are busy gathering their food. Kimchi fried rice and beef soup isn’t what I had expected for breakfast, but ever since the arrival of 12 boys into my house, I can’t keep buying the same normal breakfast meals – they’re too expensive for my budget.

“It’s all right Noona, anything for you,” Kyung Soo blushes before scuttling away to Jong In’s side, who squeezes him by the waist, whispering into his ear, making Kyung Soo blush even more. I smile at the sight and encourage everyone to dig in. Tao is the first to dive into the food and this causes a chain reaction from everyone else.

As a girl I don’t want to push my way in, seeing as I’d most likely be pushed out. So I don’t even try to get any food – whatever that’s left will be mine, I guess. I busy myself with making a fresh cup of coffee, seeing as I probably need it now to cure the throbbing in my head.

“Here,” Wu Fan’s familiar voice rings out beside me and I turn to see a plate full of food in his hands. He extends it towards me and places it on the countertop. “I saved some for you just in case,”

And with that he walks off before I can say my thanks, leaving me to stare after him with a weird feeling in my heart. I’m grateful that he’s being more attentive to me. Even Yi Xing is too hungry to notice; his nose is in his bowl.

Se Hun walks over to me and bumps his hips against mine. He’s holding his bowl of soup in his hand as he casts me with a knowing look. I frown back and watch his gaze travel to the plate of food beside me.

“I saw that,” he whispers, taking a sip from his bowl. “Lu Han hyung saw it too.” When he said that, I immediately looked over at Lu Han, who (as per usual) looked at me with the same knowing look as Se Hun.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” I say to Se Hun. I had previously told him of my plans to take a break with Wu Fan, and undoubtedly Lu Han would have heard it from the younger boy, seeing as they can’t keep things from each other. I only decided to confide in him because he trusted me with his problems. I was quite surprised that he took it so well – though it must’ve been all the counselling sessions with Lu Han that helped. Having spoken to Se Hun was like speaking to Lu Han as well, two heads are definitely better than one, and what more two heads that could keep secrets to the grave?

Se Hun’s jaw opens slightly and he pauses with drinking his soup.

“Are you kidding me? You think he’s joking around?” he whispers harshly, causing a few questioning glances, but none too pressing. “Listen,” Se Hun says, placing his bowl down and leaning closer to my ear. “Kevin hyung never, I repeat never does anything like this for anyone. He may do things out of his responsibility, but never out of his own freewill. This is something I’ve never seen before, seriously.”

Yi Xing, Tao, Se Hun and Lu Han had stayed behind in Zi Ying’s place, while the rest of us left after breakfast for the company. We were called in for a fitting, since our new concept requires us in suits all the time. I had the most difficulty, as with Chan Yeol, seeing as we’re the tallest in the group. The stylists are always complaining behind our backs about our long limbs, and how they have to alter everything by hand because nothing fits.

While everything ‘slumps’ with Kyung Soo, Baek Hyun and Joon Myun, it ‘hangs’ with Chan Yeol and I. That’s why the majority of us were called back. Jong In was visiting Tae Min, while Jong Dae and Min Seok were video calling their parents on the available computers.

I stand still as the stylists’ measure my leg lengths, arm lengths, shoulder width, wrist widths… Just basically everything, before they allow me to relax. My arms grew sore from holding them out for too long.

“I hate fittings,” Chan Yeol mumbles after the stylists begrudgingly take our new measurements to redo the hems from each suit piece. I feel rather sorry for them, but this is their job – they shouldn’t be complaining about it.

Joon Myun casts Chan Yeol a soft, reprimanding stare. “Now Chan Yeol, you know they do this because you get to look good in the end, right?”

Chan Yeol scoffs. “Not if they put in a moon print curtain again, they don’t. I saw the comments on Naver! ‘Chan Yeol looks like he stole his mother’s table cloth!’, ‘Chan Yeol-ah, please don’t wear that, ever again!’”

I frown. They had me wear it for a performance too, and it was the most uncomfortable piece of clothing I had to wear. Excluding the leather pants (which was actually part Lycra so it was quite comfortable), most of our outfits are stifling and uncomfortable. That huge outerwear that Chan Yeol and I had to wear was just… a piece of cloth that committed a heinous fashion crime.

Seeing as we’re left to do whatever we want after the fittings, Jong In, Joon Myun, Chan Yeol, Baek Hyun, Kyung Soo, Jong Dae, Min Seok and I pile into Cafioca, the bubble tea store that we frequently visited before we debuted.

“Ah, it’s you guys! Congratulations on your debut!” the owner of the store greets us cheerfully. He and his wife had been tending to the store for over 10 years, their store walls filled with colourful blocks of autographed papers. “Let my wife pass you some markers and papers, we want your names on the wall!”

While ordering, the lady boss came over with one big sheet of paper and a stack of markers. We all gratefully signed our names on it when we were waiting for our drinks to be made.

“Here are your orders! Thank you for coming, and we really hope to see you again!” the owner exclaimed, smiling widely. He and his wife took care of me really well when I first came to Korea. I had a really good impression of them because they reminded me of my own parents.

“Kevin-sshi,” a soft voice breaks my thoughts and I see the lady boss smiling sweetly at me. I look at her questioningly as she places a plastic bag full of items into my hands. “It’s not much, but these are supplement drink packets for you. I know that your schedule is probably busy and your health may be affected, so take these, okay?”

Her gesture isn’t much, but it hits me so hard that I’m struggling to keep a straight face and the tears from spilling out. I muster a nod and give her a tight hug, before waving and running off the emotions into the ground.

~*~

It’s during the mid-afternoon when a random chime from the door causes all of us to freeze in our movements. We weren’t expecting anyone – today was the start of our week long break and we specifically told our managers that we wanted to stay in today.

“Did anyone call for delivery?” Joon Myun asks as he stands up to look at the receiver. I walk behind him and peer at the camera screen. A figure with a cap is standing outside our door, with his/her head down.

“Who is it?” Joon Myun whispers out loud. It catches the attention of Jong In and Baek Hyun, who are peering between our heads. As if the figure outside heard us, it snapped its head towards the camera outside our door.

“It’s a girl!” Baek Hyun gasps, backing away. “Don’t answer the door, it might be a fan. Remember what manager hyung said: ‘absolutely no answering of doors unless advised.’”

As much as I wanted to see what was going on, Baek Hyun was right. I couldn’t risk their danger just because I was curious. I turn around and see Baek Hyun turning the TV off quickly and dragging Chan Yeol and Jong In away to their rooms.

“Kevin hyung, look!” Joon Myun whispers to me again, this time hitting my arm lightly. I look back at the screen and see a note from the girl. She’s holding up a notebook and on it are a few scribbles in messy Chinese.

“What does it say?” Joon Myun asks with his eyes wide. I stare at the note in disbelief.

“Nothing – she’s crazy, let’s go into our rooms and leave her alone.” I say hastily, dragging a now very curious Joon Myun away from the receiver. Once I leave Joon Myun into the safe hands of Baek Hyun and Chan Yeol (who will now bug him to no end), I enter into my quiet room.

I pick my phone up to call the person I have in mind, ready to tell him of the news.

“Hello?” the other person on the line asks. I hear Zi Ying’s laughter, as well as the TV in the background.

“You need to come back now,” I tell him flatly, somehow feeling hesitant about sharing the news I have with him.

“Why?” he asks again, obviously a little irritated I’m cutting into his free time.

“It’s urgent – you just need to come back, okay?” I say calmly.

“What if I don’t want to? I’m in the middle of a game here – I’m going to lose against Se Hun!” he whines, and I hear the rest of the group muffling their laughter in the background. I wish I were there instead.

Ah, the fic is ending. Much to my relief!