Two days roll by and I’m sleeping in bed when I suddenly feel the other side of my bed sink downwards. I frown upon seeing Wu Fan’s face smiling at me.

I didn’t know how or when it started to happen, but I grew angry at him. Seeing him in the flesh made me even angrier. I didn’t feel my heart squeeze when I look into his eyes and my mind was telling me to get rid of him.

“You could’ve told me you were coming,” I say, sitting up in bed and combing through my hair with my fingers. “Like, even a text message would be cool.”

Wu Fan lets out a short but unbelieving chuckle. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know I had to text message to see my girlfriend.”

I wanted to laugh at his comment. Seriously, since when did he make himself so comfortable in my life? Since when could he come and go as he pleased?

“Since, uh let me think, when was it okay to leave your girlfriend hanging without a single text message or a simple call for a whole week?” I retort back, sliding out of bed and quickly putting on a pair of track pants. I suddenly felt and bare with what I wore as pyjamas.

“It wouldn’t have hurt to write a simple, ‘I’m safe in Thailand and having fun!’ or even just a smiley face. But no, nothing! I got zilch. And you know what’s even funnier?” I started to raise my voice because I wanted every word to sink into his brain. I wanted each syllable to etch itself so deeply it couldn’t be erased. I didn’t know what overtook me, but I was on the verge of exploding all of my emotion in his face.

“Everyone ELSE except YOU told me not to miss them too much, or even just let me know how things were going. Where were you when that happened Wu Fan? Oh, let me guess, dancing with women in a tranny show! And to think that I thought you were busy being the ‘leader’ and taking on huge responsibilities for the team!”

I scoffed. “You can’t even take responsibility for this relationship. You were the one who told me to work hard for this. You said that you’d work hard for this. But I don’t see anything happening. I’m always the one taking the initiative for everything that’s going on between us. I can’t keep my trust in you if you keep leaving me deserted half the time. I don’t want to go back to when I was 14, Wu Fan; I don’t want to go back to that dark place, ever. But you keep pushing me back there and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. So don’t come and say ‘since when did I need to text message to see my girlfriend’, because – believe it or not – trust and respect in a relationship don’t come easy.”

Wu Fan kept quiet the entire time, sitting frozen on my bed with his head down. I sighed as I throw on a hoodie and slip on my running shoes.

“I’m going for a walk.” I say, emerging from my room and shutting the door behind me. What greeted me was the sight of all 11 members looking at me with awkward glances and shuffling feet. They had stopped what they were doing to stiffly greet me as I walk into the lounge room.

“Jie…” Tao says, bitting his bottom lip and walking over to give me a big hug. I smile and weakly hug him back, not really in the mood for entertaining guests, even Tao himself.

“Sorry about this, but I think need to go for a walk,” I tell Tao in Mandarin, bowing to the rest of the boys and leaving the apartment complex as fast as I can. I don’t make it past the convenience store down the end of the road when a strong hold on my forearm stops me.

I turn around to tell the person off, but I see Yi Xing heavily clad in a weird disguise – fake moustache in use – smiling brightly at me.

“Let’s go to somewhere quiet.” He tells me, before flagging down a taxi and muttering into the driver’s ear about the location. “You’ll like it when we get there.” He mentions, smiling smugly to himself before leaning back onto the seat.

After 45 minutes, we end up in a very suburban area of Seoul where traffic doesn’t seem to jam and pedestrians are walking leisurely. It’s a sight I’m not too familiar with, but welcome it with wide arms.

“Come on, let’s take a long walk,” Yi Xing drags me off into a nature reserve, picking a trail for us to start walking. He talks for the first leg of the trail, mentioning about his schedule and how he doesn’t have time, then he goes on to talk about his family and his hometown. The whole time he spoke, I felt myself letting go of my anger and listening to his words.

When we reached the halfway mark of the trail, which was situated at the peak of a very beautiful valley, I exhaled a very long breath that seemed to take my troubles away. It felt good to be so close to nature and just breathe in everything around me.

“How’d you know about this place?” I ask Yi Xing, who manages to smirk at me. I playfully kick him and end up slightly tripping. He grabs my wrists and makes me sit down next to him on a deserted log.

“I was lost one day and ended up here. Ever since then I’ve been frequenting this place for my daily walks. But obviously I can’t, nowadays, so thanks for giving me the chance to take a walk again. It feels good, doesn’t it?” he asks, smiling at me, revealing his dimple on his right cheek. I feel my finger naturally poking it and this time he doesn’t shrug away like he usually does. Instead, he turns and looks at me in the eyes.

My heartbeat accelerates and I am finding it hard to breathe. Why is it that he always manages to creep in when I’m feeling at my most vulnerable?

“How are you really feeling, Zi Ying? You know you can tell me about it. It’s not good to bottle things up – it does bad things for you. I will be here to listen and wipe your tears if you ever need someone like that. I promise. I will always be here for you.”

At that moment I couldn’t help but pour everything out to him. 2 hours went by with just me telling and explaining to him about the problems Wu Fan and I have been experiencing with our relationship and how I feel about it. Being the nice guy he is, Yi Xing listened with all his attention and even squeezed my arm whenever he felt that I was going to cry (which was accurate 99.9% of the time).

“You did a good thing by telling him how you feel, but maybe you should listen out to him too. The two of you should open up more to each other, so you know where he is coming from and vice versa. That way there won’t be any form of miscommunication between the two of you and arguments won’t come as much.” Yi Xing tells me matter-of-factly, pouting a little as he does so.

I smile, the first in a while, and thank him. My heart does a little squeeze when we smile back at each other, relieved that we’ve both gotten problems off our chests. I stand up to stretch but Yi Xing holds me back with a strong grip on my wrist.

“Wait, I need to tell you something,” he says, looking serious. Confused, I sit back down and look at him as he tries to form his sentence. He frowns and bits his lips, sighing when he can’t do it right.

 “Well, uhm, I think I need to let you know now before it gets too complicated,” he tells me, looking me straight in the eye. My eyes widen and my heart pumps faster as Yi Xing squeezes my hands. “It’s not easy saying this, but…. I feel that I need to be completely honest with you. And since you’ve let me in on your secrets, I’ll let you in on mine.”

I nod, urging him on. I guess it was the right thing to do; he had heard me out, listening to him was the least I could do.

By the time Yi Xing and I return, I was shocked at the state of the boys, who seem to be on the verge of malnourishment. Wu Fan, as it seems, left the apartment after I went for my walk and was un-contactable. He didn’t leave me a message or notified anyone of his whereabouts, so I figured that he was still mulling over what I had said earlier in the morning.

I know that it wasn’t the best of mornings he could have had, especially since (maybe) he was expecting something a little more welcoming instead of my hostility, but honestly, Wu Fan needed to know and look through his actions before talking things out with me.

Throughout the entire afternoon, the boys keep a close eye on me, often whispering or nudging to each other whenever I was supposedly ‘not looking’.

Yi Xing laughs at the boys and shakes his head to tell me not to worry. Even after the talk we had at the nature reserve, I still feel no awkward inhibitions towards him. Although he told me of his feelings, Yi Xing knew that I had friend-zoned him a long time ago and would not force anything to happen, even though he felt that way about me.

He did promise me that he’d still be there for me, no matter what feelings he was having or problems I would have. It felt reassuring that I had, at least, someone looking out for me and trying his very best to be there.

“Jie, guess what,” Tao asks me, scooting closer to rest his head on my lap. He had previously been sitting on the floor with Kyung Soo and Jong In, playing a card game. I look down at him questioningly.

“What?” I ask, raising my brows. Tao casts me a playful look and giggles. I smile when he covers his mouth with his fingers.

“You have to guess!” Tao answers back, giving me an annoyed look. “You can’t just say ‘what’ when I asked you to guess.”

I roll my eyes. “Let me guess, you’re going to fly to space tomorrow.” I sarcastically mention, watching Tao scowl at my choice of answer. I smile wider. “I’m kidding – I have no idea, please do tell me what I have to guess…?”

Tao purses his lips and looks at Baek Hyun, who looks back with an equally questionable expression. It seemed like all of them were hiding something from me. I had guessed that much, seeing as all of them stopped what they were doing momentarily to listen in to my conversation with Tao. Something is definitely up.

“We’re free for the whole week!” all of them chorus at me, grinning grins so wide they look slightly rabid. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and assume that they’re feeding off the liberation given to them, seeing as free time is quite rare in their schedule.

“I’m going back to Beijing! I can’t wait to see my family,” Lu Han speaks up, clapping his hands together quietly. Se Hun pouts and looks down with a sad expression plastered on his face. No one seems to take notice of this except for me.

“Hey Se Hun, want to come with me and get some ice cream?” I ask, watching the sides of his lips tug up slightly. “I believe this vacation should be celebrated with some ice cream! C’mon Se Hun, you can wear one of my hoodies and use Yi Xing’s moustache.”

Se Hun agrees to come along, although after some incessant prodding by Chan Yeol and Baek Hyun. He still looks slightly downcast, but I am determined to change that frown into a smile! We leave the house after some fussing over Se Hun’s appearance and reach the convenient mart in 10 minutes. I arrive slightly panting, since Se Hun has long legs and I do not. He seemed pretty nervous walking out without his manager and had decided to take longer strides (although I do have to note that normally, the equivalent of one step from Se Hun is about three steps of mine) today.

When Se Hun saw the ice cream staring up at him, it seemed to have melted his pouty demeanour. He smiled so wide I could count the amount of teeth on his upper jaw and hummed a happy, upbeat tune as he got around choosing the different ice cream flavours for everyone.

“Which one did you choose for Tao?” I asked, looking into the basket. There was a sizeable variety that came in all shapes and colours and flavours. Strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, lemonade, banana, melon and other flavours were just some of the few in the freezer that we could choose from.

“I got mostly chocolate for the members, because we all seem to like chocolate the most. But I’m going to choose Melona for Lu Han, because chocolate is a bit too sweet for him.” Se Hun answers back quickly. I’m surprised he notices so much – he seems like he doesn’t care for most of the time.

“Wanna let me in on why you pouted so much when Lu Han mentioned he was heading back to China?” I ask as Se Hun gasps at my observation. He opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. I smile widely and grab the Melona packet from his tight grip and place it into the basket.

“I’m a woman; I notice the finer details of life – that includes people’s expression sometimes.” I tell him walking over to the tubs and picking up a green tea flavoured one. I bring the basket to the counter and whilst waiting, I face Se Hun, who has a guilty glint in his eyes.

Se Hun, being the gentleman he is, takes the bags from the counter after I paid up and says a loud thank you to the worker before we leave. I hold his elbow lightly to steer him through the roads and traffic lights because both his hands are busy holding the two bags FULL of ice cream.

“Lu Han hyung is very important to me. He’s the only one I feel truly comfortable with, so sometimes when he’s not with me I feel empty and lost. And I don’t like that feeling. It makes me uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do about it.” Se Hun quietly tells me when we stop at a traffic light. I face him and give him a sympathetic smile. I feel the same way when Tao leaves.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel that way about hyung, but he’s more than a friend to me. I treat him like my family. And I hate leaving family behind, or family leaving me behind. He’s the first one that has managed to break the walls I build around myself. I guess you’re doing the same too, but you’re different to hyung…” he rambles on.

We stop by the chicken store and buy back nearly a crateful worth of fried chicken and rice. I figured that the house would be empty, seeing as I didn’t have much groceries left and boys being boys, would raid it within minutes.

I find out through this so called ‘confession time’ with Se Hun that when he’s flustered, his voice tends to go into a higher octave, and he pouts quite a bit.

“I’m the only son, so Lu Han hyung is like my older brother I’ve never had. I don’t like letting go of him. I’m too attached.” He ends, sighing. We’re already inside the elevator, watching the door close.

“Se Hun, you don’t have to feel guilty about the way you feel. I feel the same when Tao leaves for his schedule. I don’t get to see him very much and it saddens me too. But Lu Han isn’t going to go anywhere. He’ll always be there for you! And with technology these days, you can still see him and talk to him on a daily basis!” I tell him, watching the levels increase on the screen.

Se Hun nods and pouts. But he’s still frowning and thinking over what I’ve said.

“Noona, will you be here for me if I ever need to talk to you?” he asks quietly.

“Of course I will! I’ll be here even if you don’t need me! Besides, I have too much time on my hands these days so you can expect a fast reply! Within a minute!” I say truthfully, but adding a little lightness to ease into the situation. Se Hun smiles back at me widely.

After Zi Ying left, it finally dawned upon me that she was hurting much more than I was. I didn’t know why I couldn’t see it from the get go, but it definitely made me feel like the biggest in the world for realizing it too late.

I walked out of the room to find the members looking everywhere but me. Even Tao was struggling to avoid my gaze, although I knew he wanted very much to tell me off for hurting his sister. Deep down I know I am the one that has to solve all of this, and I will, but I really need to clear my head right now.

Leaving the apartment quietly, I head towards the roof of the apartment block. I’d been here a few times when Zi Ying’s mother was around and had voiced plenty of opinions to the air up here. It’d provided me with enough familiarity that I had managed to sort out and organize my thoughts within the next few hours.

I just so happened to peer down at my watch and came to the realisation that I might have been here for more than 5 hours. It didn’t even seem that long, to be honest, and my thoughts were still not as organized as I’d liked it, but I had a vague idea of what I was meant to be saying to Zi Ying, to make up for my mistakes.

I got off the floor and stretched, feeling the ache from my joints dissipate. Walking down the stairs was easy, but heading back to the apartment was not. How am I going to tell the boys about what happened before? Entering into the apartment felt daunting, but I knew that this was something I’d have to face anyways.

I expected Tao to come bounding to me, bombarding questions in my face, but the boys were sprawled all over the apartment, looking half-dead from the lack of food.

“Where’s Zi Ying?” I ask, counting the number of heads in the room. “Where’s Se Hun?” I had figured that one out when I realised Lu Han was left stranded by the sofa, reading a magazine. Usually they’d be together, giggling over stupid things like bows and ribbons.

“They went to get ice cream… Hungry… Need food….” Jong Dae whines weakly from his position on the couch. His legs were resting over Min Seok’s who is as equally frustrated with the lack of food.

I sigh and grab a cap and sunglasses off the counter top. I didn’t really notice if it matched my outfit or even looked good on me – I needed a disguise and if I could look as inconspicuous, then it didn’t matter.

“I’ll be back with some food – is chicken all right?” I asked the boys again, who rallied a half-assed chorus back at me. I scoffed playfully and shut the door quietly, making sure that my bright hair wouldn’t show much through the cap. I’m pretty sure it belongs to Kai, who has a bigger head than I do.

I wait by the lift lobby for the sole elevator to reach, and whilst doing so, I fumble around with my appearance. I made sure the sunglasses sat properly on my nose bridge, and I wore my facial mask to cover as much as possible. It was already hard enough to mask my height, so I had to make sure everything else was done properly.

I heard a subtle ‘ding’ of the elevator and was about to enter it when I see Zi Ying and Se Hun talking happily in it, Se Hun’s arm around Zi Ying’s and Zi Ying’s hand gently touching Se Hun’s forearm. I frowned, but I didn’t know if she could tell through the disguise.

“Hyung, you’re back! Where are you going? Noona and I bought food to eat! Let’s share, I’m hungry!” Se Hun says, walking out of the elevator and passing me a bag full of ice cream. I take it from him and use my free hand to remove the facial mask and sunglasses.

Zi Ying looks uncomfortable when Se Hun walks ahead of us, having a profound skip in his step when we make our way to the apartment.

“What’s going on with you?” I ask Se Hun, who happily keys in the code for the pass. He finishes with the code before looking up at me with a big, smug grin.

“Why don’t you ask Noona yourself? I’m sure you two will have much to talk about…” he adds cheekily, before opening the door and running in, half-screaming and half-shouting at the boys to get up because ‘we bought chicken back’.

Kyung Soo, bless his soul, walks up to me quietly and gives me a tight hug. “Thank you hyung, you didn’t have to run to get chicken. I know you hate running, but thank you. This has saved my life. You have no idea hyung. You may be strict and really bossy but I love you hyung. I really do. You don’t know how much I love you hyung. This chicken will always be a reminder of how you nearly saved me from starvation.”

Zi Ying bursts out laughing, loudly. I can’t help but join her as well, laughing even harder when Kyung Soo looks up at me with wide eyes, wondering what he said that was so funny. I shake my head and just point to the chicken crate, to which he doesn’t hesitate to head over.

 I watch silently as the boys lay the food out – which smelt heavenly – and Zi Ying placing the ice cream neatly in the freezer. I make myself busy by getting water jugs and cups.

We finally sit down and have a proper meal, me sitting beside Zi Ying, who decides to lean on my leg slightly. She doesn’t say anything to me throughout the meal, but I know from her physical actions that she’s somehow forgiven me. A surge of happiness shoots through me and suddenly my appetite increases.

Zi Ying notices this and helps me place chicken pieces on my rice bowl, smiling shyly at me sporadically. She does the same for Tao and I smile. I like watching her take care of people – it reminds me of why I fell in love her in the first place.

 “Se Hun-ah, did you buy all of us chocolate ice cream again?” Lu Han asks, frowning a little when he peers into the freezer. Zi Ying opens to reply but I watch as Yi Xing takes the opportunity to reach across the table to place a piece of half-bitten chicken in there. He shakes his head at Zi Ying.

What does he think he’s doing? I’m going to have to talk to him later on.

“No, I didn’t! I bought Melona for you hyung. I know you don’t like chocolate that much…” Se Hun trails off, looking down at his metal cup. As leader, I know that it’s right for me to step in and sort things out, but Joon Myun taught me that sometimes the members have to talk it through to be able to sort it out for themselves.

I let out a long exhale and lean back, pulling on Zi Ying’s shirt so that she’d lean back on my chest. She hesitates, but leans back nonetheless, pulling her knees up to her chest. After a few minutes, the table resumes its noisy chatter and my girlfriend turns around and looks at me with seriousness.

The boys fall into a state of perpetual food coma, especially after they order Tao to buy more snacks for them as they go through Zi Ying’s DVD collection. She’s got over 200, so imagine the amount of snacks that has to be bought. When Tao came back, he was red-faced and refused to answer any questions thrown at him. His silence could suffice for the embarrassment he had encountered at the convenience mart.

When the chatter decreases into murmurs and the only noise in the house is coming from the movie itself, Zi Ying beckons me to follow her into her room. We settle comfortably on her bed, me at the foot, and her at the head.

When she doesn’t speak up, I do.

“Zi Ying, I’m really sorry. I know I’ve been saying it so much that it’s probably lost its meaning, but I really do mean it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for neglecting you and thinking that you’re all right with it. I’m sorry that I can’t even lift a finger to call you or text you. I don’t know what came over me. I know I should have contacted you, at the very least. This whole problem is my fault and I will take full responsibility for it. I’m sorry Zi Ying, I really am.”

Zi Ying looks down at her fingers, where she’s twining it back and forth. I can tell she’s nervous, but I don’t know why. There isn’t a need for her to be nervous unless… Unless there’s something serious she has to tell me.

Suddenly a wave of emptiness floats through my whole body and there’s a sinking feeling in my tummy. I try to brush it away, but it’s too strong for me to fight it. She can’t… She won’t… right?

“Listen Wu Fan…” she trails off, taking a deep breath. I stare at her with pleading eyes. She can’t do this to me. She won’t do this to me.

“I… I accept your apology. I didn’t understand your situation and I acted upon my anger. It was wrong of me to do so. I just- it was hard to try to understand where you’re coming from. I was over-thinking everything and assuming things. I’m sorry too.”

I feel the nervousness lift off my shoulders. Why was she so nervous for just telling me this? I smile a little and stretch my arm out to hold her hand, but she leaves it limp in my grasp. And then like a wave, the nervous itch slowly makes its way back to my head again. A sense of desperation grapples my heart and I inch closer to Zi Ying, who refuses to look at me in the eye.

“Zi Ying…” I whisper, watching her bite her bottom lip hard. She’s fists her hands so hard that they’re turning white from the lack of blood flow and her breathing is deep and forceful. “Zi Ying, please…”

“I’m sorry Wu Fan, I really tried. I’ve tried so hard to see where you’re coming from. I have. But it’s so hard… Each day that I go by without any news from you is like a stab in the heart. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. This is worse because I know you’re here and that you know I’m here, waiting. It’s like being dragged along a rough road before I can even get to see a glimpse of your face. At the most, I could probably get a small hug, but other than that, I’m just being dragged along. I don’t know how long I can sustain it. I’m not exactly the strongest girl out there. I’ve been broken apart before and pieced back together slowly. I can’t afford to fall apart again.”

I shake my head. No, no this can’t be happening.

“I think we should take a break. I need to get my mind in the right place before I take the next step of my life and you need to focus on your comeback. I’m really sorry, Wu Fan.”

STUFF THIS CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP I'm going to update even if no one is reading it. Okay.

I'm done with AFF. After this, there's going to be nothing more.

Even though I'm in the midst of typing one up now. I don't know wth I did wrong honestly. Writing stories is hard work. But not getting enough subscribers is another~! It's like... I'm writing this for nothing.