It’s the middle of the night, and I can’t sleep at all. I’ve been listening to Yeong’s breathing grow deeper and deeper. I stood up and grabbed an extra pillow from my bed. This reminds me of that night I found the necklace. I reached up and felt the cool chain around my neck and unhooked it. My mom used to always tell me not to sleep with a necklace on because I could choke in my sleep.

                Maybe some water will help me sleep. I placed the necklace on my nightstand and walked quietly down the dark stairway. As soon as I passed the front door a feeling over came me. It was worry. It almost felt like something bad was about to happen. I walked to the door and looked through the peep hole, nothing. Not even a shiny little box. I could feel the intense cold from the other side of the door freezing me through my thin cotton pajama pants and t-shirt.

                My hand froze on the cold doorknob and turned it slowly. I opened the door slightly. Chilling winds hit me in the face. The snow had stopped falling at some point but the roads were still blanketed in white. I grabbed some shoes and headed out the door, locking it behind me. Maybe I shouldn’t lock it; I won’t be out that long. Once I walked down the porch steps the worry dissipated. Only to be replaced with something deeper. Some kind of energy…it felt like despair, misery. I reached my hand up into the cold dark air. This energy…it felt so sad. It’s so tangible. As if I could really reach out and feel it, I’d just have to find it first. I followed it down the street.

                Almost as soon as I left my neighborhood I knew the feeling was real. It was moving! The more I followed it, the stronger it became. I could feel it eating at my heart; I couldn’t stand the pain any longer. My cold feet began running after the strange energy. Somehow I knew my way around the unfamiliar neighborhoods. Once I realized I was about to cross the street, I stopped myself and waited for the light to change. I almost slipped on the icy cement. It seemed like the cold air had managed to sink into my thick shoes; I should have worn socks.

                As the few cars passed, I wiped my runny nose on my shirt. I should just go back home. But, I can’t, what if I never find this energy again? Across the street from me was a somewhat familiar sight. It was the cemetery that I used to always feel drawn to. All the street lamps around it were either turned off or were broken.

                I tried to warm myself by wrapping my arms around my chest. Though I’ve always been curious about this cemetery, I’ve never actually walked through it before. But, I have to go now; the energy is calling me here. I stepped forward, once the light turned green, and walked under the entrance where the gate should have been locked.  Inside the cemetery was near total darkness. But somehow it was still visible. It must be the moon light coming out from behind the clouds. The gravestones were all neatly spaced apart. I could tell I was getting closer, the feeling had morphed again. I felt as though I had to help it, or like it needed my help. Is it a ghost?

                The energy had taken a sharp left turn, away from the cement walkway. I stepped onto the crunchy iced grass. Just as I felt like it was getting stronger, it disappeared completely. I was left feeling stupid standing in front of a random tree. Where did it go? My hand reached up to feel the icy bark. It was ridiculously frigid. Something shifted to my right, but before I could turn my head to see what it was, something cold landed on my hand. It was another hand, colder than the tree and almost as pale as the snow. I wasn’t surprised; the scars on the hand were all too familiar to me now. There was no need to look at the face to find out who the owner of the hand was.

                My eyes remained strained on the hand covering mine, knowing that if I looked into his silver eyes it would send my heart into a frantic pace, leaving me completely numb.

                “What are you doing here?” Taemin asked his voice low and gravelly. Slowly, my eyes traveled from our hands, up his sleeveless arm, across his shoulders and up his neck, to his face then ending on his eyes. I took a deep breath, the air burned down my throat. Staring into the beautiful platinum, I was at a loss for words. The scars that seemed to have disappeared managed to show. His pitch black hair seemed even darker compared to his pale skin. The way his lips were set suggested he was waiting for an answer…and I was taking too long.

                “What are you doing here?”I asked instead. He let out a low breath, sighing. I looked down to avoid his gaze as he shifted toward me, his body heat slightly warming me.

                “What happened to your neck?” He asked suddenly.

                “What do you mean?” I reached up with my other hand and felt my neck; I looked down to see a long redden line ending at my chest in a familiar shape. “Oh…I fell asleep with my necklace on.”

                “You shouldn’t do that,” He commented lightly, his hand gently tracing the line with his icy fingers. When I didn’t comment he sighed again and let go of my hand on the tree. He took both my hands by the wrists and rubbed them together, a poor attempt at trying to warm me. I doubt rubbing two snow balls together will produce heat. He obviously knew that.

                He stopped and stared at my palms in his hands, his eyes vacant, empty.

“Are you okay?”I lowered my head and looked into his eyes, searching for the truth.

“I don’t know,”

“What does that mean?” Instead of answering he started to rub my hands together again.

“You’re so cold.” He said in a low voice.

                “So are you…but your changing the subject. You can tell me anything,” He let go of my hands and leaned his head to my ear and gave a short laugh.

                “You’re standing on my parents’ grave,” He whispered. I jumped back, quickly losing my balance. My feet tripped over a large tree root, causing me to land hard on my back.

                “I’m so sorry,” I said to all of them, ignoring the sharp burning pain in my arms, back, and legs. Taemin laughed softly as he approached me. He held his hand out to me. I took it and pulled myself up, putting most of my weight in my aching legs.

                “Thanks,” I said trying not to feel embarrassed. His eyes fell to the ground as he took a deep breath. How could he do that so easily? Just breathing normally was burning my lungs. At this point I was mostly breathing out my mouth. “What’s wrong?” I asked again. He looked up at me, holding his hand out to me again, like in my dream. He took both my hands and walked forward, so close to me that I could feel his breath on me. His eyes froze me more than the ice.

                “Walk back,” He said quietly, it almost sounded like a laugh. I walked backwards till my back reached the tree, my feet comfortably between the branches. “I never saw their funeral…” His voice sounded clear. Is he finally ready to tell me about his parents? “My aunt brought me here three months after they left me. We don’t know when they actually died”

                “I’m sorry,” That was the only response I could come up with when he stopped talking for a few seconds.

                “It’s not your fault,” He whispered, his tone suggesting that it was someone’s fault, like it was his fault.

                “It’s not yours either,” I said, not really looking at him. He silently looked down, his perfect lips set in a way that gave him away, like he didn’t believe what I had said, he still blamed himself. What if he had killed his parents? Should I really be alone with him? “So, you live with your aunt now?” I asked to change the subject.

                “No, not anymore,” Not anymore?

                “Why not?”

                “I told her I had another home,”

                “Where do you live? Where do you sleep?”

                “Here,” Shock slowly crossed my face as the tiny word finally set in. I let go of his hands.

                “No you don’t. Not anymore,” I told him, my voice stern.

                “Really?” He tested, his gaze burning into mine” Where do I live then? ”

                “You …you can live with me,” I offered the option that never really was possible.

                “You know very well I can’t do that,” His eyes dropped to the ground again. I held his face up, forcing him to look at me.

                “We’ll find a way,” I felt determined to help him now. He laughed lightly, delicately moving my hand away.

                “That’s precisely one of the reasons why I love you; you always do what you can to help people.”  I stared at him, moon eyed. Did he really mean that?!  Did he really just say that?! “I should take you home,” He said suddenly, interrupting my long silent stare.

                “Did you really mean that?” My voice only came out in a small whisper; it was all I could manage. He laughed quietly.

                “Do I really mean what?”

                “What you said,” My legs started to shake at the thought that he didn’t really mean it. It felt like my stomach was about to completely turn inside out.

                “What did I say?” He laughed again.

                Sure, he could laugh, like it’s no big deal. My eyes started to sting. Since he didn’t mean it in that way I want to hear him say it. If he’s going to reject me I want to hear the exact words. That way it’ll be easier to stop hoping that one day he could ever feel something for someone like me. That way I’ll never have to wonder ‘what if’s for the rest of my sorry life.

                “You know what I mean,” I almost yelled, my throat burning as the tears tried to force themselves out.

                “What? That I love you?” He said sardonically, like he was purposefully trying to mock me. He knew all along how I felt about him and he was just playing a game with me! My heart stopped beating. “Sure,” He continued in the same tone, he can’t possibly be about to tell the truth.”Ever since we were little I’ve always loved you.” How could he joke about something like that?! I could feel that the tears were falling now. That’s probably what he wanted all along, to see me in pain. I won’t give him the satisfaction.

                “You know what, if you’re not going to be serious…” I couldn’t think of anything clever to say,” Just leave me alone. Go away!” I turned away before he could see any more tears.

                He grabbed my arm, turning me back toward him. His face inches from mine. His face serious now, his eyes intently focused on mine, they were slightly shaking.

                “…I’m not joking…” He said firmly. “I don’t know how to show you, or how to convince you that I’m not lying. I can’t afford to have you go like that again,”

                “Just tell me…” As I spoke, my throat continued to burn.  Should I really believe him?  He breathed deeply and rested his forehead to mine. I could feel every cold breath from him on my face. “Just tell me,” I repeated. I think a part of me wanted to say ‘just show me’ instead. My eyes closed as my tears began to cool, burning my eyes.

                The sound of his staggering breath made me open them again. I could feel him backing away again, another awkward moment is sure to come…again.

                “Do it,” I forced out of my frozen lips.”Just do it. Don’t be afraid,” With that, his body froze suddenly. Just as quickly, he pulled me close, closer than ever before. His cool lips pressed tenderly against mine. It took longer than it should have to realize that he actually did it this time. Once realization hit, my heart beat started to beat faster than the speed of light.

                I wasn’t ready for the feeling. The feeling that came with Taemin finally knowing how I felt about him, knowing that I loved him, and he somehow loved me. There was no need to question it now. I know it’s real.  In just that tiny moment of connection, my whole future shifted, I could feel it.

                He pulled back slowly. Even though he actually did it, the awkwardness decided to come along anyway.

                “That was my first-“My word were cut off by the force of his gentle lips. They were soft, even though he applied more pressure this time. If my first kiss had been with someone else, anyone that wasn’t Taemin, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much. Of that I was certain.

                Once our lips parted and I could contain my emotions again, I noticed that I was actually out of breath. I didn’t think that would really happen. He stared at me with his bright, glowing eyes, smiling beautifully. His slightly hysterical laughter ended the long silence. I laughed with him.

                “No it wasn’t,” He joked with a grin.

                “Right,” I laughed; I’m pretty sure that was my first kiss. Slowly, small white orbs of snow started to fall around us. A slight electrical current ran through my body so quickly I barely registered it. I smiled up at the snow…that’s strange. It stopped falling already. I looked back at Taemin. Oh well…as long as he was still here, I’ll be happy.