Every inch of Howon is tingling with anxiousness and nervousness and want, want for Dongwoo, as the older boy slowly drops his bag on the floor against the wall and looks up at him expectantly. 

“What’s up?” Dongwoo asks with a nonchalant shrug, stuffing both hands into his pockets. His pose looks so flippant and uncaring that Howon’s heart cracks a little.

“Hyung, I- ”, Howon’s voice shakes, “I miss you. I miss you, Dongwoo hyung.”

There’s a pause, and then Dongwoo’s loud and uninhibited laugh fills the room, and Howon feels tears form at the corners of his eyes and cloud his vision and he shakes, because-

“This isn’t ing funny!” Howon yells straight at Dongwoo, rope finally snapping.

Dongwoo stops laughing immediately. Howon’s never raised his voice at him before. His eyebrows furrow, “Hoya- ”

“No! No, no. Don’t, okay? Just- ”, Howon’s hands are curled into tight fists and he knows he’s crying but he doesn’t give two s right now. “Just don’t call me Hoya. Don’t. I’m not Hoya, damn it, okay? my life, I’m Howon. Lee Howon.”

Howon doesn’t even know if he’s making any sense, but he’s just spitting his words out at Dongwoo and he knows that he wants Dongwoo to know- wants his managers to know, wants his bandmates to know, wants his fans to know- that he’s Howon, just plain old Lee Howon, who’s shy and slightly awkward and trips over his words and can’t meet eyes with people he doesn’t know, not Hoya. No, Howon’s only Hoya when he’s onstage, when he’s being filmed, and even Hoya has a limit to what he can do.

Dongwoo takes a tentative step nearer, and Howon wipes the tears from his cheeks angrily, refusing to be the crybaby and the weakling, because why can’t I be as emotionless about this whole thing like Dongwoo?

Silence reigns between the two for a few long seconds, and Dongwoo looks so small and uncomfortable that it sends Howon’s heart to the soles of his feet, raw and broken.

“You know, hyung,” Howon can’t look at Dongwoo as he says this, “if you’ve grown tired of me, or if you don’t- ” Howon chokes because this hurts so bad, “if you don’t l-love me anymore, I completely understand, okay? Just- just stop giving me mixed signals and false hopes because it hurts so ing bad here, right here,” Howon brings one shaking fist to the left side of his chest and twists the cotton of his shirt, “because I love you, hyung. God,” Howon shakes his head at himself, “I love you so much, Dongwoo hyung. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you.”

Howon’s voice cracks along with his heart as he says this, because even though he knows that he’s laying his heart out in the open for Dongwoo to trample on, everything he’s saying is true, and he’s already given his everything to Dongwoo, and he won’t stop doing so until the day Dongwoo chases him out of his life.

Because I’m completely in love with Jang Dongwoo. Howon smiles slightly as he realises this. He’s completely in love with his bandmate, his hyung, his best friend, the fun, loveable, perfect boy that is Jang Dongwoo.

Dongwoo’s face has gone completely ashen, and the last of Howon’s hopes fly out the window, but he forces himself to keep it together. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry for being a burden, for being a member who can’t do a single thing to help our band offstage, I’m sorry for holding onto you even though I know there’re so many amazing people out there who are so much better for you than me.”

Howon’s tears are dripping down his cheeks silently now, and his voice is hollow and quiet, “But I hope you know that I love you, okay? I love you, Dongwoo hyung, and I- ”, Howon’s words come out hoarse and croaked, “I always will.”

Just like the day Infinite had their first win on M!Countdown, Howon brings one small and tightly clenched fist to rub at his eyes, to wipe away the embarrassing, salty tears, before turning around and nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste to get back to his own room.

But in the next second he’s knocked onto the floor, and he doesn’t have time to catch his breath before he feels those soft, familiar lips crash onto his, clumsy and messy and desperate and salty. Hands are twisting fistfuls of cloth in his shirt and the weight on top of him starts to shake, and Howon pulls away to see Dongwoo’s red eyes and puffy nose, tear tracks staining his cheeks and lips pink and swollen from kissing him.

“I’m sorry, Howon-ah, I’m so sorry,” Dongwoo chokes out incoherently, and he sounds so small and so afraid that all Howon wants to do is take him into his arms and shield him from all the ugliness of the world. “I got carried away by everything and Sunggyu hyung was so stressed out one day because the managers had told him that we were too unapproachable and cliquey amongst ourselves as a group, and we were killing our chances of getting more recognition by doing so, but Sunggyu hyung didn’t want to make us do anything we weren’t ready to do, and he just looked so tired that I knew I needed to do something to help him, so I thought that detaching myself more from just the seven of us and mingling around with the other idols around us would be a good idea but I didn’t know- ”, Dongwoo stops his rambling mid-way to steady his shaking voice, “I didn’t know that I was brushing you off and I’m sorry, Howon-ah. I guess- I guess I got a little caught up in all the praises and attention that I took you for granted and I’m so sorry and I’m such an because I’ve loved you from the start and I still love you, I really do, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in so long and I- ”

Howon shuts him up by slipping one hand around the back of his neck and pulling him down to him, lips meeting his in a kiss full of all the things unsaid and done, full of want and need and love, and when he feels Dongwoo’s familiar gentle fingers cradle his cheeks, he swears he falls in love with the older boy all over again.

Both boys don’t know how long they spend like that, tangled up on the floor with lips brushing against lips, and frankly, neither of them care, because they’ve missed the other too much to think about anything else right now, and they’re both so crazily in love that they realise that no matter what happens, present or future, that they’re going to stay this way for a long time to come- crazily, stupidly, and completely in love.

-

“Get out get out get out get out!”

Dongwoo groans in frustration and chooses to ignore (whom he supposes is) Sunggyu, instead running a hand down Howon’s chest before slipping his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, yanking the younger boy to him to deepen the kiss they’re sharing. He’s not going anywhere right now, because Howon tastes exceptionally sweet today and Dongwoo’s totally enjoying the sounds that escape Howon’s lips every time he bites down on his bottom lip or trails his hands down his chest and arms.

“!” Dongwoo yelps when a pillow smacks him across the head, and the impact causes Howon, who is lying beneath him, to hit his head against the bed frame with a loud thump. Howon whines in pain and Dongwoo quickly pulls his boyfriend up and cradles his head against his chest, rubbing soothing circles onto the impacted spot while giving Sunggyu a dirty glare. Sunggyu is completely unfazed, and simply jerks his thumb towards the door.

“Both of you, outside to the living room. We’re going to have a talk.”

“Oh no,” Dongwoo groans, and he really hopes Sunggyu’s not going to have some group-bonding session right now (because he’ll end him for interrupting his make-out session with Howon) or another lecture on the need to control their raging hormones (because honestly, Sunggyu can tell him again and again to stop biting Howon all over his skin but it’s never going to stop him from doing just that).

Sunggyu waits for Dongwoo to tug Howon up and leave the room before stepping out himself, and the two boys come out to be greeted by Sungyeol trying to neaten out his shirt and pat down his messy hair, sitting in between Myungsoo’s legs, with said boy busily nipping away at Sungyeol’s neck.

Myungsoo looks up and sees Howon’s swollen lips and Dongwoo’s energetic look, and he stretches out an arm for Dongwoo to bump his fist against, giving him a secret look that says to the real men who top. Dongwoo laughs and Myungsoo chuckles, and Sungyeol rolls his eyes and tries to crawl away to Howon who’s gnawing at his bottom lip to reduce its swell, but Myungsoo yanks him back down with two quick arms around his waist, just as Sunggyu comes back in with Woohyun trailing behind him, looking rather sleepy.

Sunggyu glares at Myungsoo with his small eyes, “Stop touching him!”

Myungsoo intentionally presses a kiss to Sungyeol’s jaw, causing the latter to yelp, Sunggyu to squeak and the rest of them to chuckle.

“Hurry, hyung,” Dongwoo rushes impatiently, fingers laced through Howon’s, and Myungsoo and Sungyeol snort at the leader’s helpless expression.

“Look, guys, I know you all really love each other and it’s sweet, really, but the make-up noonas and stylist noonas keep telling me that it’s getting harder and harder to cover up all those bite marks on your skin. Howon can’t keep wearing collared shirts and Sungyeol can’t keep wearing jackets, and- ”

“I heard that one of the stylist noonas saw purple teeth marks on Sungyeol’s hip when she was giving him a belt a few days ago,” Woohyun interrupts, and his eyes are full of respect for Myungsoo, who taps his fingers against Sungyeol’s hipbone with a smirk.

“Nice, man,” Woohyun leans forward to slap Myungsoo a hi-five.

Sunggyu glares incredulously at Woohyun and Myungsoo, and in the next second he’s off about something along the lines of no respect and completely inappropriate, nagging at the two boys who don’t seem to be paying an ounce of attention, considering how Woohyun chooses to ask Sunggyu how his eyes can get even smaller when he’s lecturing them.

When Sunggyu finally returns to the issue at hand, Dongwoo and Howon are gone, and he hears Howon’s rare (but rather endearing) giggles resound from inside his room, followed by Dongwoo’s familiar laughter, and he decides that he’ll let the stylist noonas dress Howon up as an eskimo one day.

He gives up.

-

A/N: Hi guys! Wow, ok, thank you for supporting me through seven chapters of fluffy and angsty yadong! :) I hope to be able to start on a new fic soon, and I think it’ll most probably be a myungyeol/wooyeol one. Hope you’ll support it too! And thanks to all my subscribers and for all the comments, I shall reply to them now-

livelovelifeah: thank you for the first comment dear :) hope you liked the story as well ssbciuwcdoosjdbsiq incoherency. tysm <3

Hiimee: tysm! :)

Kavallier: yes! I kind of wanted this fic to be a yadong-exploring-their-feelings-for-each-other thing :) hope you liked it :)

kodiak: tysm! I hope I managed to write Dongwoo ok :) keep giggling!

MyReaction: thanks for reading! Yes, I always get this feeling that Howon and Dongwoo are so contented with each other :)

Horrorano: tysm! Hope you liked it!

dojorockergirl: haha thank you!

MinaOK: tysm and no, this is far from perfection omg :(

Lullaby: tysm :)

BalancedCuppycake: thanks for all the comments dear :) yes! I kind of get this feeling that Howon’s always so cool and manly onstage, but I think he’s still the awkward little Busan boy when he’s not being filmed, so yup :) AND YES GO WATCH YADONG VIDEOS ok no but you get what I mean ;) and do you ship myungyeol too? Omg I ship the three major infinite ships plus a whole lot of other ships jsbwciusiw.

Hope to see you all at my next fic :) here’re some yadong links to check out, though you might have viewed them but, ah well. A present for all of you lovelies ♥

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AQnZSF4R4g (rappers got married it freaking needs to happen ok)
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qYXEPg8TuA&feature=related (Howon’s naughty hand hoho icwudt)
3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZtixjHUm9c&feature=related (I don’t normally watch these kind of videos, I prefer fancams and variety shows etc, but this one isn’t too bad!)

Love,
oxytocin ∞